miss my ex, don't understand..

[Boom]

It has been 3 weeks since my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and I am really hurting.

 

As I had said I was with my ex for 3 years before she broke up with me. We definitely had our ups and downs, and occasional some big fights over friends, changes in our lives like work choices and school schedules. We had broken up a few times as well over some of those things and just overall frustration. They would last a week at most. The last few months of our relationship is basically what I am here to talk about and get some advice. The last 6 months things started to go down hill and to be honest a lot of which is my fault. My work is seasonal and I am off for most of the winter months. It was always a good thing for our relationship because she was a full time student and we had a lot of time to spend with each other. However, this year she had gotten a good full time job as well as continuing her schooling, so I was not able to see her nearly as much as we had been used to for years. It bothered us both, but it was a good thing for her. I was proud of her. I had a lot of free time on my hands and because of our relationship I had lost many of my friends and most of the others were busy with either work or school. I started to become very depressed and didn't even want to get out of bed most of the time. My ex started to see this and would tell me things like I seemed like I was in a rut and would ask what was wrong. For the most part I would just brush it off and say nothing. I couldn't sleep well and started to drink quite a bit. Everything I was going through really put a toll on the relationship and we both knew it. One day I was using her computer to surf the net because mine wasn't working atm and I had seen that she had been on match.com for the last few weeks talking to different guys. I confronted her that same night and told her if she wanted to be with me than be with me, if not than please leave tonight. She said she felt like she was in the relationship alone and that she wanted to feel like someone wanted her, but she loved me and wanted us to work and deleted her account. I forgave her and decided to myself to do what I could to make this work because I loved her and didn't want to lose her. It felt like a huge wake up call. The next few weeks were going well and things were looking up for us. I had buried the whole idea of her being on the dating site deep down instead of dealing with it and it was creeping up on me more and more, I started to wonder what she was doing at work or if she was on the site or talking to someone she had met.I know it is odd, but we share the same birthday, just a different year. We had plans to go out for a nice romantic dinner to celebrate. That night when she got off work to come to my house to get ready I had had a few drinks with friends before to celebrate my B day. With the idea of her being on a dating site on my mind it all came out when she arrived It started off small with me asking questions like how could you do that?... Why would you just not break up with me?... Where you just going to use me till you found what you wanted?... It was like as though she had no real remorse and no genuine sorry. I was angry and hurt at this point and didn't see the point of going to dinner to celebrate. It turned into a big argument and she said she was done and couldn't handle this anymore and she hasn't been happy for months, but she really wanted this to work so she stayed in it. She said she was done and left. It just so happens a few days later I had gotten sick with a type of virus, nothing very serious but I had to be in the hospital for about a week. She showed up at the hospital to visit me and seemed really worried for me. She sat with me and held my hand, asked if there was anything she can do, she even asked if I had wanted her to stay the night. I said no because she wouldn't be able to sleep and I knew she had work early. Before she left she gave me a very sad look, like she was going to cry and than she gave me kisses all over my face. It was nice to see her and I felt happy, but I didn't understand what it was all about. She contacted me everyday I was in the hospital to see how I was doing. I wasn't sure where we stood after that meeting so when I got home I had seen her online and sent her a hello. She was very short with me and wasn't saying much at all. I asked her what we were and what that was all about at the hospital, she said she loved me and cared for me very much but she couldn't go back to being with me and she needed to move on, she said she wanted space from me. A week had went by since I had talked to her and than she called to ask how I was doing, I was doing much better. She had told me that she had met someone and was hanging out with a lot and was really happy, also that she could not be friends with me because it couldn't be fair to this new guy. Her tone was somewhat rude about it too, I told her how much I loved her and that it was wrong of her to be the way she was in the hospital and lead me on. I told her how much I loved her and reminded her about how we wanted a family and a life together forever, than I said if this is what you want and your happy I am happy for you, but this will be the last time we talk. She said.."OK,bye" and I hung up.

 

It has been 3 days since NC and I am really hurting, It is so hard to picture her with another guy when not long ago we were confessing our love to one another. I keep wanting her to call or text, but I am really trying not to expect it so I won't be let down.

 

I don't understand all of this and how she could move on so fast and not wonder how or what I am doing. Not only were we in a relationship, but we were best friends for 3 years. I am trying my best to do NC and will stick to it, but it is just so very hard and it hurts so much.

 

Should I just let everything go and delete her from everything? Is there a time I contact her again or leave it alone? Does she even wonder about me? Things are just really confusing.