lil325 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 so I met this guy, but we just went out about a week ago...it wasnt a date or anything, just as friends...we talked for about 4 hours and we really...clicked...there were no akward moments of silence...we just talked and talked,getting to know each other...he's 36 and I'm 27. without me asking, he told me the kind of women that he likes,he told me about his life,his teen years and you know...his favorite music,food,etc...I told him too...he was surprised to know I'm a virgin...he said it was weird, but awesome... almost at the end of the date he told me I was beautiful and that he noticed I was different, that I was a good person, intelligent and mature...when we said goodbye I noticed he tried to kiss me on the lips...I just smiled and realized I wanted it too...then he looked at me and asked if he could kiss me...I said: do you always ask? and he kissed me and we said goodbye.. we didnt see each other for 2 days because I was out of town,he sent a lot of txt messages during that time,saying he wanted to see me and that he had been thinking about me...he said he was thinking about what it would be if we were a couple.. after those 2 days we saw each other again,he came to my apartment,we sat on the couch,talked about our days,then I tried to grab a newspaper that was between us on the couch and he held my hand...we kept talking and after a while he asked if he could have some water, when I stood up he looked at me and as I was passing in front of him he pulled me and hugged me and kissed me...he said he missed me,that he likes to be with me...and asked if I had thought of him,if I had missed him...we had some water...then sat and started talking again....we ended up laying on the couch and kissing...he said he really liked me...that he liked to be with me.when I asked why he said he felt comfortable,nice,that he enjoyed it...we kissed a lot and talked... the next day he came to see me again,really late because I was at a family thing...I had sent a txt msg asking what he was looking for,he said a beautiful relationship and asked what I was looking for...I just replied that I hoped he would always be honest and tell the truth and that I hoped he wasnt just looking for sex...when he came it was one of the first things he asked,why did I ask him that? had he done something to make me think that was all he wanted?...I told him it was just weird for me,since we had just met...then we talked,then kissed and ended up again laying on the couch kissing....he tells me a lot of things, about how much he likes me and how much he enjoys being with me...that day he started kissing my neck...the middle of my breasts...my shoulder...things got a little...passionate...he started caressing my body and I made him stop and he did....whenever I said no he stopped...maybe a couple of times he got carried away in the kiss,but he wouldnt go further...and if I said no,stop...he would and then we would talk for a while..kissed again...and so on...I kept saying he made me nervous and he asked me to trust him,that he wouldnt do anything I didnt want.. the next day, he came to see me again...I was watching a movie...a childrens movie and he just sat there and we saw it together...he just hugged me..when it was over he started kissing me again...we were laying on the couch and he started to touch me again...kissing and touching...when I said no he stopped and again I asked what he was looking for,he said sex...then smiled and started saying that he wasnt,that if he had been looking for sex he wouldnt come to see me everyday,he would have stopped after the second date when I didnt want to go further...he said he wasnt going to lie,that he wanted it because he likes me,but that that wasnt all he wanted from me...that would come with time...that he wants to live nice things with me,that he wants to be with me for a long time...that yes,he wants to be my first,but that he wants me to trust him,to be confident and feel free with him...that he didnt want me to be scared or nervous...that he wants me to let go...to trust him... he then said he wants me to be his...sentimentally,emotionally and sexually...and that he will be mine...that he doesnt mean I have to be with him all the time or that I have to ask him permission to do things,that he doesnt mean it that way...that he just means he wants to be the only man in my life...and that I will be the only woman in his....that this thing we have is going forward...in a good way... we kissed a lot again and he lifted my blouse,unhooked my bra and kissed me and touched me...he asked me not to feel embarrased or nervous or scared...then he grabbed my hand and made me touch him...I said I didnt know how...he said he would teach me...he was fully dressed...we kissed and then he said he was leaving,it was really late...and something else that was weird for me,he said he was embarrased to ask, but he asked me for 10 bucks,he needed to put gas to get home and he would give them back tomorrow...I didnt know what to say, I didnt like that,but I gave him the 10....he again asked: are you mine? I was so shocked by everything I just said yes...and asked it he was mine,he looked me in the eyes and said yes... I am so scared...when he talks,the way he talks,the things he says, I believe him...when I am with him I feel really good, I am not in love, but I like him...in so many ways...he hasnt done anything I dont want...if I made him stop I know he would...he has already...but I dont have that much experience with men...so it scares me to think that he is a player... any advice will be appreciated...
Mad Max Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 C'mon now, are you that naive? He says you're beautiful, says it's awesome you're a virgin, and to top it off he SAID he was LOOKING FOR SEX. Smile or not, that's what he meant. He's saying what you want to hear.
LittleTiger Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 From everything you've said, my instincts are telling me he's a player. He knows you're inexperienced and he knows your body wants what he's doing to it. I think he's using that information to push your boundaries. Of course he'll keep coming back. He's getting a bit further each time. So in his mind, he just has to persevere a bit longer and eventually he'll get what he wants. He talks like a player too - all that stuff about 'being his'? He wants your virginity and I believe he's coercing you. If you think he's genuine and you want your first time to be with a special person, then I suggest you go easy on the sexual stuff. Develop some sort of a relationship with him first - that means weeks or months, not days. If he is genuine, he'll wait. If you're happy to give your virginity to a man who doesn't care for you, then just keep doing what you're doing. It probably won't take him long to push you all the way. Once you give in, if he backs off and you have regrets, he'll tell you "you know you wanted it - don't pretend you didn't" and you'll become another notch on his bedpost - probably one of many virginal notches he collects. Be careful, is my advice.
utterer of lies Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am so scared...when he talks,the way he talks,the things he says, I believe him...when I am with him I feel really good, I am not in love, but I like him...in so many ways...he hasnt done anything I dont want...if I made him stop I know he would...he has already...but I dont have that much experience with men...so it scares me to think that he is a player... any advice will be appreciated... You are 27 and you seem interested in him. If you use protection, what's the worst that could happen...that you're not a virgin anymore? It doesn't even matter if he's a player or not, as long as you are sufficiently interested in him. It's normal that he wants sex (come on, he's male after all ), and there seems to be a reasonable chance that he doesn't only want sex but more from you.
depplover_1980 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hear that siren? Well that us the sound of Deppsys alarm telling you this guy is a fake - always be wary of anyone telling you they want to be with you and only you and that he is yours. A balanced person takes a while to both feel and then say these things. Keep your virginity if it means something to you, which at 27 it obviously does.
Whatshername Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I would tell him things are moving a little too fast and that you would like to do things away from your apt, to have fun and get to know one another. I would NOT allow him to come in again, feeling as you do. I would meet him, and see what he brings to the table. If he balks, or you stop hearing from him, you might save yourself a lot of trouble. You do NOT know this guy and you have to protect yourself. He is bigger and stronger than you are, and if he gets aroused enough and you resist.......well, what would you do if he forces himself on you? What if he does not use protection and you contract some disease, or worse yet, get pregnant? It happens every day! YOU are in control of YOU. Stop leading him on. You have waited this long to lose your virginity, honor yourself and wait for someone who "loves" you, and respects you, who you know you do not have to question. I admire you for asking for insight, because he seems very sincere and smooth talking. I do hope you resist allowing him in again, because I am afraid it's not all as good as it seems.
oaks Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 any advice will be appreciated... Slow down. If being a virgin is important or if losing your virginity to someone worthwhile is important then slow down. It sounds like you barely know this man, so go slowly (and tell him to back off) until you get to know him. If that makes him disappear then you'll know he wasn't worthy.
Yamaha Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 He's on the hunt for you. Yes. He wants sex. Is that all he wants? Probably. What do you want?
O'Malley Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Him asking to borrow ten dollars from you was the frosting on this BS cake. This guy is out for himself, but he's going to say what he feels you are interested in hearing if it benefits him. Casual sex is fine for some people, but if it's not for you, you need to establish some clear boundaries for yourself. Go out on actual dates, not hanging out, don't go to his house or let him visit yours initially until you're open to the possibility of intimacy. Take your focus off of this man and start meeting and dating more worthwhile guys.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Make this guy wait. If he is really worth it, he will wait for you when you are ready. If he says he can't then let him go no matter what he says. Even if he says he can't wait. Don't give in to him because you like him. If you give in he will walk after he has sex with you. Most men just want sex, and don't want commitment.
PeachyPink Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Stop with the sexual touching. Tell him no more for a couple weeks (yes, two whole weeks) while you two get to know each other. If he just wants sex, you will find out soon enough. I think he knows that you are inexperienced and is testing your boundaries; he sees your virginity as a conquest.
PeachyPink Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 The funniest thing is he asked for 10 bucks lol If you like him and perhaps you want to have sex with him then why not, if you don't want it, don'tYou only lose your virginity once. She shouldn't throw it away.
StoneCold Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) uummm. I know the popular thing is to pile up on this guy but I'm going to say.... I dont know...Its really hard to say. On one hand he does seem to be coming off really strong but maybe he indeed really does like you. On the hand there is something that goes with popping a girl's cherry; its a major notch on a guy's belt. BUT it only really is something with the younger guys. Older experienced guys arent all that drawn to the whole virginity thing as it is a lot of pressure and hoop jumping all for bad sex. I'm 36 and if a girl tells me shes a virgin I'm out the door. I really dont know....like anything else; use your instincts, your better judgment and a little common sense and you should be fine no matter what you decide as a result. If you think hes not for you...then go If you think hes for you...then enjoy Edited February 4, 2011 by StoneCold
Author lil325 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 wow, I never thougth there would be so many replies so soon, this is really helpful... after writing the first post I decided to do as some of you said...to stop with the kissing and touching and tell him we are going too fast...I made it clear for him today that next time we see each other it will be different....the other day I suggested we go to the movies,that's when he first told me something about money...he said he had to pay a whole lot of stuff and couldnt pay for the movies, I offered to pay and he of course said no...today I told him again and he said the same thing about money...then I reminded him about me paying...I wanted to see what he would say...he then said he would come to my place at 7 and that if I wanted to go the movies we would go.....I told him that whatever we do tonight it will be different... he then told me he had been thinking about me all day...I asked about what? and he said: about you,about us,what we could do together as a couple... I just remembered he once asked me if I wanted to "make love" with him...not now,but sometime...in the future...I said yes,but it's too soon,he asked: in about a year? I laughed and he said: 6 months?? I just obviously didnt reply... so he's coming over in about an hour...I will follow my instincts and your advice as well...we'll see what happens... and I will reply with what happened later...thank you! really...thank you!
StoneCold Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) I decided to do as some of you said...to stop with the kissing and touching and tell him we are going too fast...I made it clear for him today that next time we see each other it will be different.... Sure... a tactic like this MIGHT work.... But heres my concern... IF he is indeed the player you fear he may be.......pulling back in an effort to "reveal him" may not work. Reason being is lets not forget we are dealing with an experienced 36 yr old vet...not a 20 yr old virgin. He could wait you out and play the game you want to play while slowly working on you. You know how he could do that? with a FWB..or two...or three...thats how. He'll get his sexual needs elsewhere while he massages you. You could end up being a project like one of those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles; you work on it a bit every night and then one day its done..then you forget about it. You cant catch a snake by luring it into the bush I'm afraid all that tactic will do is give you a false reading and make it easier for him to really play you (this of course is assuming is in fact a player) Edited February 4, 2011 by StoneCold
LittleTiger Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You cant catch a snake by luring it into the bush This man is a player. I would virtually guarantee it based on the OPs second post. Going by his behaviour, it's not rocket science to work it out. This is why I suggested keeping him waiting months - as she's a virgin that's a reasonable amount of time to suggest. The best 'players' will, of course, play the game (the game being - taking her for dinner every week, going to the movies, walks in the park or on the beach, meeting her parents - the whole 'romance' thing) - but not this one. He's 36, he's already borrowed money off her and he says he can't even afford two tickets to the movies - and he refused her offer to pay - because he doesn't want to go. He has no intention of going on a date with her of any sort. He wants to be in her apartment where he can 'work on her'. I'm a little concerned that 'as we speak' he's in her apartment sweet talking her and using her body's natural desire for sex to 'persuade' her that 'she want's it'. Makes me sick! Men like this just make me see red (and, unfortunately, I've seen one or two on these boards recently ).
OceanGirl Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I get a really bad "player" vibe here. ALL of their interaction happens at her place (note: he could be married). Most of their interaction is focused on sexual stuff. He won't even spend $10 on her
Author lil325 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) hey...so he just left....it's 12.30am here...he came at 7...it was really weird... I wasnt expecting him to show up at the time he said he would,since he has been late for like 20 minutes most of the time...but he was here at 7...I was still reading replies here.... we just sat down on the couch and started talking about our days,then he asked what was wrong with me...I asked why and he said he noticed I was weird...I said nothing...then he hugged me and asked me if I didnt want to see him anymore...and about what I had told him earlier,I told him about slowing down...that I didnt want it to be all about sex, he said he didn't either...I said: prove it....so he asked about it,he then started telling me that he didnt want me to think he just wanted sex,that it was not like that,that he enjoyed spending time with me...and he asked me: has it been all about sex? we havent even had sex....I said: no,but remember what happened yesterday....and he said: remember we saw a movie before that?? it's not all about that...he then asked me to tell him what I felt and what I was thinking...I did,I told him I didnt want it to be all about sex and he said he didnt either,then he asked me what I would like to do,where would I like to go or which activities I wanted us to do together.... then we just sat there and he pulled my laptop closer and started showing me music videos on youtube...then we saw some pictures on his facebook account...his friends,his family...then he started asking about my job,and he told me he is looking for 2nd job, because of some financial problems...we looked at some websites and he sent a couple of resumes.. then we saw more videos...just sitting on the couch holding hands or hugging...watching videos,talking....etc... that went on for like 4 hours....he didnt try again to touch me sexually...before saying goodbye he told me he liked spending time with me...that I'm a very special person for him and that wants me to trust him...to feel good with him...that he wanted us to build something together,that he wants us to go out,to experience things...and that sex was just a part of it... it was so weird...then right now he is sending me txt messages....he is already home...he is asking me what I think....what I want... this is so confusing... Edited February 4, 2011 by lil325
oaks Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 and he told me he is looking for 2nd job, because of some financial problems.. So he didn't pay you back the $10? On a more serious note, are you concerned that he isn't financially stable? That would be a red flag for some people, and of course if he can't afford to go on dates with you (even if you pay your half) then that could limit what you can do together - especially if you're trying to take things slowly rather than rushing to the bedroom. that went on for like 4 hours....he didnt try again to touch me sexually... Ok. Good. So it sounds like he got the 'slow down' message. Be prepared to remind him again next time in case he forgets. Try meeting him somewhere in public... it doesn't have to be expensive (eg just have coffee and a slice of cake in a coffee shop or go to a free museum or gallery). That way there are more things to do than touching and kissing and the public setting probably prevents that anyway and you can concentrate on getting to know him. If he makes excuses that he just wants to hang out at your place then this might tell you something.
StoneCold Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) I told you.... You pull back and nothing is revealed about him. About the only thing we do know is that he has financial issues. Financial issues doesnt mean anything other than hes broke....which may explain why he doesnt want to do stuff outside and be seen as a "leecher". You need to hone your judgement skills...learn how to watch people when they dont even know they are being watched. Edited February 4, 2011 by StoneCold
Author lil325 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 yeah...well I don't like that he is financially unstable...but I put myself in that position...to be rejected for financial issues...I mean I'm not going to marry this guy,we are just getting to know each other...dating... so....don't judge me for what I'm going to say.....next day,he came to my apartment again...we talked again...I again told him I didnt want it to be all about sex...he told me it wasnt,he reminded me of the day before when nothing happened....then he started saying he was a serious person,honest and that he wanted something real with me....that he wanted us to do stuff together...not just sexual stuff...but to go out,to travel eventually...he said a relationship is about many things....he said he does want sex with me and that he wants me to be more open to him,he said he wont pressure me or do anything I dont want....but that he wants me to feel more comfortable when he hugs me or touches me...he said he wants me to feel like a grown woman...to stop thinking about a relationship as if I was in my teens...he said he wants to be with me,to have a relationship,to support each other,to share our lives,etc... again,we ended up kissing...laying down...started touching...it got very passionate...after a while he unzipped his pants and grabbed my hand to make me touch him...I would move my hand away but he would grab it and tell me not to be scared,to just let go...and started making me touch him....he was kissing me at the same time...then after a while he tried to touch me down there...I said no and he stopped...we kissed...then he tried to make me touch him again...and after a while tried to touch me again....I said no...and he stopped...but he was touching himself at the same time and he came...we spent a minute just laying there and then he went to the bathroom...when he came back I was so nervous...he noticed and layed next to me and hugged me and asked what was wrong...I told him I was nervous and he said he understood,that it was normal and it would go away with time....then we just layed there,talking for a couple of hours...then he left...before leaving he said he loved me....where I'm from,we have "te amo" that's the most intense word,its for the love of your life....then "te quiero" which is a form of saying I love you to friends,family..or when you are just not ready to say the other word...etc...and thats what he said...te quiero... the next day,my mom came to visit me and other relatives who live in the same city,we had a huge family reunion...she was staying at my grandma's but I told him she would be with me and that if he wanted to see me we would have to do something else....we couldnt stay in the apartment...he agreed and asked what I wanted to do...in the afternoon we had a family reunion...I went to the reunion with my mom,in her car....so when he called I told him I didnt have a car and he agreed to pick me up.... we went to a karaoke bar and had a really good time...I got to meet 2 of his friends that were at the bar that night...we talked and he asked me if I felt better..if I wasnt nervous anymore...I said I wasnt and he said: did you notice I did respect your decision? that I didnt push you or force you or even insisted? I said I did...he said: do you still think I'm with you for sex? do you think if I wanted sex I would have stopped last night? do you think I would be here?..... before leaving the bar he asked again if my mom was staying with me...I said she had sent a txt message and that he had to take me to my aunts home,where my mom would be sleeping...he said we could go to the apartment but I told him I had given my mom the keys to the apartment and didnt know she would change her mind about staying there...so I had no keys...he said he would have liked to sleep with me...and when he noticed my face he said: sleep sleep, nothing more....and he drove me to my aunts...the keys where in my bag the whole time of course we kissed goodbye,he caressed my body while kissing...he then reminded me he was watching superbowl with his friends the next day and asked if I wanted to go...I said no,I had family stuff to do....he sent txt messages all day...I sent him one telling him I would go out of town...my mom lives half an hour away,I would go with her to spend some time together since I dont have to work tomorrow....he called me while watching superbowl and asked when I was coming back...he said he missed me,he asked me to come back tomorrow...but I said I was coming back on tuesday morning... right now he is still sending text messages,saying he misses me and he loves me...(using "te quiero" which like I said is a not so intense word) he is also asking me to go back tomorrow...but I wont... so...what do you think? I still have my doubts...it is so weird...
TryingToMoveOn Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 There are so many warning signs that he's just in it for the sex! He certainly knows how to talk, and tell you what you want to hear. He's trying to make you think he's one of the "good guys" by asking you "do you still think I'm with you for sex?" A man serious about getting into a relationship would not have brought that up. He wants to make you feel romanticized so you give it up to him! Stay away! He doesn't respect YOU for who YOU are. He just wants your body.
Kaplan Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I'm going to join-up with the "he just wants sex" team. If a guy really likes you he will probably try to have sex with you. So it is difficult to say if someone in this situation is sincere. But this guy sounds pervy to me. For one thing he keeps saying, "I want you to feel comfortable." That's the kind of thing a pedo would say to a child. Also, he keeps "jokingly" saying that he's looking for sex. He wouldn't joke about it if he was being sincere. In fact, if he was being sincere, he would have stopped trying to seduce you. I mean a guy who really wanted to start a sincere relationship with you would be able to put it off for more than one or two days. And there's one other thing I wanted to say: you are definitely sending the message that he will eventually succeed. Your behaviour reminds me of a guy I used to play poker with. If you made a small bet he would think about it for several minutes and call with such obvious reluctance that you knew he would fold in the face of a larger bet. I would continue to make smaller bets until the last betting opportunity, and then I would make a bigger bet and steal the pot. It just seems that losing your virginity is a big deal for you, and I don't want to see you get taken advantage of.
Author lil325 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I know...it's just that at times I do doubt and kinda believe in the things he says...and what makes me doubt is that...would a guy who is just looking for sex go so far as to spend more than 5 hours a day,everyday for a week with a woman?? I mean,there are easier girls than me out there....much easier and it is not hard to find them... and if this is some kind of...quest for him...wouldnt he be making more effort to fool me? I mean, he hasnt done things to make me go like this ...which I think is the easier way to get a girl to have sex...just by being prince charming....he hasnt tried that one...he doesnt make me swoon....and when he talks, it's on a more...serious way....not like...romantically...I don't know how to explain... edit: oh and something else...I'm no hottie...I'm a bit overweight,size 12 and definitely not sexually attractive...I dont dress provocatively either,I'm more the jeans and a tee kind of girl... Edited February 7, 2011 by lil325
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