brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Last year I got pregnant by mistake. I had only been seeing the guy for a few months and so after sleepless nights and agonizing descions I decided to have a abortion. Although I am young, only 23 I would not have financially able to raise the child the way I had wanted too. Plus the father was adamant I should have the abortion. He is from a jewish backround and I am not jewish and i dont think his family would have accepted me or the child. Ever since I have been haunted by what I did. I have nightmares. Plus I know (even though I was only five weeks) that it would have been a girl, I just felt it. Since it happened me and the guy are not together. To be honest I dont think he ever wanted anything serious so this was his ultimate get out clause.. Although he supported me before and the day of the abortion we are not in touch much now and it is hard to talk to him honestly about my feelings about what happened as we barely really knew each other in the first place. I am finding it very hard to move on from the abortion and have not been with anyone since. I have nightmares and constantly think what my child would have been like and if I will ever get another chance to be a mum. I dont want to burden my friends with this constantly and although I used to contact the guy as I thought he would be able to understand I always feel like I am tiring him and holding him back when I turn to him.. My heart is breaking. please help
Scottdmw Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and painful time. I think that you are not alone, there are many other women who feel similarly even if they don't talk about it much. It is a feeling that can be kind of swept under the rug sometimes. I had a girlfriend once who had an abortion during a previous relationship, and I could tell when she told me about it that it still bothered her. One resource you could look into is Rachel’s Vinyard. It is specifically for women who have had abortions and feel regret about it. It is a Christian site but the focus is on grief from abortion. http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ You are young, you will most likely have another chance to be a mum. Best wishes Scott
StoneCold Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I can see this thread blowing up into a "pro life vs pro choice" battle as this is a sensitive topic. Out of respect for the poster lets not let this go that way guys....because those debates get out of hand really really fast...no preaching, no battling...just advice and support. With that said... seek counseling
Author brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you so much for these posts.. I am going through a very difficult time.. I know Abortion is a sensitive topic so would really appreciate advice and support not horrid posts about what i did wrong... The pain every day is enough
Ay Diesel T Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Kind of hits home, as I'm a couple steps behind the scenario she is in. I MAY have knocked up a woman that I just can't be with in the long term. If she proves pregnant, I will push for an abortion. I'm not sure how that will play out, seeing as she has had an abortion in one of her past relationships. The best advice I can give you OP is to seek counseling, as it is heavy stuff you're dealing with. ****, hopefully I don't get to this point.
Author brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Ay it is very difficult. Just make sure u and the girl make the choice together. I will never forgive the guy for putting pressure on me to get the abortion. If he had turned around and said lets make a go of you and me and give this potential child a great life I would have had the baby. But he didnt! The worst thing would be for you to chicken out after she has had the baby so try hard to really think about what you want. my prayers are with you. Its the most difficult thing i have ever been through in my life
StoneCold Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I can also say that I've been a party to an abortion (I'm a guy so I physically cant have on lol) I can offer you insight into our thoughts but I'm not sure it will be of much help as everyone is different
Author brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Stone cold.. So one of your girlfriends had an abortion?? How did you feel? The guy I was with didnt emotionally open up to me and i guess i needed him too. One of my friends who knows his said he cried about it but I never ever saw this side.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Ay it is very difficult. Just make sure u and the girl make the choice together. I will never forgive the guy for putting pressure on me to get the abortion. If he had turned around and said lets make a go of you and me and give this potential child a great life I would have had the baby. But he didnt! The worst thing would be for you to chicken out after she has had the baby so try hard to really think about what you want. my prayers are with you. Its the most difficult thing i have ever been through in my life It'll sound cold and cowardly to others on this board, but I definitely do not want to share a child with this woman nor be tied to this woman through a child. If she is pregnant, and decides to keep it, I will be there for her and my child. But if she isn't pregnant, man I'm going to be gone like the wind.
StoneCold Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Stone cold.. So one of your girlfriends had an abortion?? How did you feel? The guy I was with didnt emotionally open up to me and i guess i needed him too. One of my friends who knows his said he cried about it but I never ever saw this side. My Ex and myself had an abortion and so did my wife before she met me. I want to tell you my opinion but the prolifers will jump in and this thread will spin out... isnt there a Private Message option on this site?
Author brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I dont think there is a private message option. How was your relationship with ur ex after the abortion??? I desperatley want to be able to share some of my heartache with the guy but am afraid he just doesnt want to know
Author brenda collins Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Ay diesal.... What will you do if she gets an abortion??? Will you be able to support her after?? Its so hard
Ay Diesel T Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Ay diesal.... What will you do if she gets an abortion??? Will you be able to support her after?? Its so hard Not sure, I'm really not. It'd be my first time experiencing it. I suppose I'll be there for her emotionally. But to be honest, and I'm being very honest, the thought of my freedom, life, and opportunities going down the drain because I was dumb enough to not use a condom? ****, if she isn't pregnant? Or say she is and we get an abortion? The fact that I have my freedom back is only going to cause me to run far far far away. Cowardice? Maybe. But I never intended on being with this woman in that way.
StoneCold Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I dont think there is a private message option. How was your relationship with ur ex after the abortion??? I desperatley want to be able to share some of my heartache with the guy but am afraid he just doesnt want to know Our relationship afterwards was fine. I mean we eventually broke up (hence the EX) but it had absolutely nothing to do with that. In as much as we are sorry to have put ourselves in such a position we didnt regret our decision as a result; because we made the right decision. My wife has the same sentiments. 8 years later I have a beautiful daughter with my wife and she is the apple of my eye...daddy's girl 110%. The key is...no matter what you do (abortion, marriage, boyfriends, friends, family, career) You have to have conviction and belief in your actions. We believed in ours and we were fine as a result. Seek counseling sweetheart
Stung Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Private messaging is only available after you have been on this site for a certain amount of time, and made a certain number of posts. I'm honestly not sure what the limit is, something like one month and one hundred posts? OP, for some women recovering emotionally/psychologically after an abortion is difficult, as you've discovered for yourself. There are counseling resources available, and I think you should search for something in your area. Please remember the reasons why you made the choice you did, being a single mother without good financial resources is way harder than you can imagine, and it is hard for a child to grow up knowing it was unwanted by it's father. It's challenging enough to raise a child well when it was wanted and planned for. You are still very young and have a lot of time ahead of you to make your life the way you want it so you are able to bring planned children into your world. Good luck. And remember, if this does spiral into a pro-choice vs. anti-choice debate, there is an option to put specific posters on ignore, or if the thread goes completely kablooey you can ask the mods to lock or delete it. Ay, I wish you luck too. Hopefully this will just be a wake-up call to you to stop being so lax and WEAR A CONDOM.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Private messaging is only available after you have been on this site for a certain amount of time, and made a certain number of posts. I'm honestly not sure what the limit is, something like one month and one hundred posts? OP, for some women recovering emotionally/psychologically after an abortion is difficult, as you've discovered for yourself. There are counseling resources available, and I think you should search for something in your area. Please remember the reasons why you made the choice you did, being a single mother without good financial resources is way harder than you can imagine, and it is hard for a child to grow up knowing it was unwanted by it's father. It's challenging enough to raise a child well when it was wanted and planned for. You are still very young and have a lot of time ahead of you to make your life the way you want it so you are able to bring planned children into your world. Good luck. And remember, if this does spiral into a pro-choice vs. anti-choice debate, there is an option to put specific posters on ignore, or if the thread goes completely kablooey you can ask the mods to lock or delete it. Ay, I wish you luck too. Hopefully this will just be a wake-up call to you to stop being so lax and WEAR A CONDOM. Crossing my fingers so hard the bone is showing, lol. Seriously though, I'm droppin' bricks right now.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Brenda your nightmares are because you really wanted the child even though you know you cannot do that at this time in your life. You built up this attachment to it (by thinking you knew its sex in 5 weeks) and you are building up an imaginary world for you and it, you have to come back to reality and stop that. The baby isnt here, and you have a life to lead. When you are older, married and actually start a family you will forget about this because you would be actually doing it. Stop imagining life with it now. You are 23 and you have plenty of mens personalities to go through before you decide on your future husband, you dont need the thought of a child that doesnt exist to be clouding your growing process. Put it this way...Im sure you have had a guy or two that REALLY liked you, you dumped them, they told you about how great life would be if you gave them a chance. You werent attracted to them anymore, and had no interest in what they had to say. But you knew they had to move on and stop imagining life with you, what would you tell them?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 hmm... although the moderator that pulled my post didn't expressly reference the section of the community forum guidelines my post so blatantly violated, I'm convinced it must have been this: "...Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective..." -community forum guidelines>> civility & respect I just wanted to go on record and renew my vow, as a loveshack.org community member, to treat all threads, including the most absurd and ridiculous threads allowed on this forum, with every ounce of unearned respect I can muster. you all have my word. on that note, what I meant to post was the following: "...OP, it's important to note, regardless of the underlying cause(s) for feeling the way you currently do, that I personally have the utmost respect, nay... admiration, for your decision to exercise your womanly right 'to chose'. feel better soon. love, conflicted." I hope my restatement lives up to the LS community forum standards, Tony. I wouldn't want to break another rule...
hydorclops Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 My ex had an abortion before we met. Over the years I learned a little about it. Her mother championed the abortion. She took her and paid for it. She didn't try to guilt her. Her motive was to protect her daughter. This may have been good for my ex and her feelings, maybe it made it easier. OP do you have any supportive friends and/or family?
sb129 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Brenda I am really sorry you are going through this. I have friends who have been through what you are going through and it sounds like its can be lonely and very sad. I agree re: seek counselling, and remember why you did what you did. You did it for the right reasons and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. And also remember that you are still young and there is still lots of time for you to meet someone who will love you and want you to be the mother of your children. Take care. Hugs.
EricaH329 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Brenda, my heart goes out to you. I, too, had an abortion. I was younger, though. I never had the strong emotions you have now, because I completely detached myself from the situation. Before and after. The only time I cried was when I found out how far along I was (which made it 'real'), and whenever I see people holding up anti-abortion signs along the road. I know how I went about it probably wasn't very healthy, but I kept reminding myself that it was the best overall decision. I still stand true to that. However, if (and when) I get pregnant again, there's no way i'm getting another one. I feel for you. Time will lessen the pain, but so will knowing you did the right thing for yourself, and the baby, at this time in your life.
Author brenda collins Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Thank you for all your replies. I guess I did want the baby even though I could not have brought it up in a proper enviroment. I just hope I get another chance at being a Mum. As for the guy I really hate him at the moment... Do u reckon he gives a **** about what happened? I thought maybe after we went through together we should be close but we could not be further from close. It just makes me so so mad.. We have some of the same friends and I heard two months after it happened he was declaring his love for some one else. It obviously could not have affected him at all. sad really
sally4sara Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Thank you for all your replies. I guess I did want the baby even though I could not have brought it up in a proper enviroment. I just hope I get another chance at being a Mum. As for the guy I really hate him at the moment... Do u reckon he gives a **** about what happened? I thought maybe after we went through together we should be close but we could not be further from close. It just makes me so so mad.. We have some of the same friends and I heard two months after it happened he was declaring his love for some one else. It obviously could not have affected him at all. sad really I think this is similar to how some people feel a strong urge to have sex after a person they care about dies. In the face of human mortality, they want to do something that makes them feel most alive - sex. Perhaps, the moment he was faced with a child he didn't feel ready for, he saw all his freedom slipping away and had to acknowledge that he didn't feel love for you (sorry, might be hard to hear but I'm sure its obvious to you now). So after the abortion was over, that weight lifted off him and he felt a strong urge to seek out and go through the motions of falling in love to sooth himself for realizing how close he came to being tied to someone he didn't feel love for? I do hope you find a way to accept what you've gone through and, in learning from it, seek out better quality people to let in your life.
BS76 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Do a google search for "tom leykis hail mary". It should be one of the first results. Listen to the callers tell their stories. Most are pretty supportive and explain why it was a good thing for them at the time. The page in question may have adult material so consider yourself warned. I posted the direct link previously, but that post was removed. I've checked it after and don't see anything beyond a PG-13 adultfriend finder flash ad.
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