donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 lol why is that?Well, because after my divorce I went very cold toward men and the entire relationship thing. In fact, I got involved in an FWB relationship because I wanted to get laid but didn't want the commitment and wound up hurting someone very badly. We were friends over 30 years ago, and now we can't be friends any more. Eventually my sweety, who I had known (not closely) for a couple years, asked me to go to a street dance with him. He is so much fun! He was like no man I'd ever been with. Very sweet, funny, kind, supportive, sexy, smart, industrious, considerate, but also commanded respect and earned it. It took awhile, but he broke down my defenses and now, after almost 6 years together, we couldn't be happier. He is still just as he was at the beginning. There was no dog and pony show being put on to "snag" me. He is just that kind of man. The feelings I have for him are different than any I've had for any man before. And, honey, I ain't no spring chicken! I just wish those feelings for everyone at least once in their lifetime, and with your current mindset, I don't know that you'll ever attain it. Makes me sad. I know. I'm kind of a sap.
xxoo Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 oh I was crystal clear in communicating my stance... th tone may have been a little off.... but points were clear The handful of (smart, openminded, compassionate) women on this thread misunderstood your points--possibly because of the tone, or possibly because they weren't as clear as you believe. It doesn't matter who is right/wrong (if you were clear or not). What matters is that we didn't understand what you were trying to communicate. But you still insist you were clear, which in essence blames us for not understanding. Sound like your marriage?
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 The handful of (smart, openminded, compassionate) women on this thread misunderstood your points--possibly because of the tone, or possibly because they weren't as clear as you believe. It doesn't matter who is right/wrong (if you were clear or not). What matters is that we didn't understand what you were trying to communicate. But you still insist you were clear, which in essence blames us for not understanding. Sound like your marriage? Correction... YOU and SOME others didnt understand BUT others did in as much as we disagreed and please stop commenting on things you are not a part of... (my marriage)
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Correction... YOU and SOME others didnt understand where I was others did in as much as we disagreed and please stop commenting on things you are not a part of... (my marriage) Hey, now, don't turn all *stone cold* again, okay? She's a nice gal and is just trying to give you some food for thought. It may be right; it may be wrong. Only you and your wife know.
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Well, because after my divorce I went very cold toward men and the entire relationship thing. In fact, I got involved in an FWB relationship because I wanted to get laid but didn't want the commitment and wound up hurting someone very badly. We were friends over 30 years ago, and now we can't be friends any more. Eventually my sweety, who I had known (not closely) for a couple years, asked me to go to a street dance with him. He is so much fun! He was like no man I'd ever been with. Very sweet, funny, kind, supportive, sexy, smart, industrious, considerate, but also commanded respect and earned it. It took awhile, but he broke down my defenses and now, after almost 6 years together, we couldn't be happier. He is still just as he was at the beginning. There was no dog and pony show being put on to "snag" me. He is just that kind of man. The feelings I have for him are different than any I've had for any man before. And, honey, I ain't no spring chicken! I just wish those feelings for everyone at least once in their lifetime, and with your current mindset, I don't know that you'll ever attain it. Makes me sad. I know. I'm kind of a sap. LOL.. dont be sad.... I go for mine (as you know ). I just dont believe that you have to be married to be happy
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hey, now, don't turn all *stone cold* again, okay? She's a nice gal and is just trying to give you some food for thought. It may be right; it may be wrong. Only you and your wife know. I wasnt going stone cold... I just didnt appreaciat her taking a pot shot at me and my marriage when she doesn't even know me.
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 LOL.. dont be sad.... I go for mine (as you know ). I just dont believe that you have to be married to be happy But there's happy and then there's HAPPY! It's a deep down, comforting, satisfying happy. The feeling I get when my sweety gathers me into his arms after a long day. I can't get that from just anyone. I know he's got my back in every single way, and he knows he's got the same in me. And, BTW, we're not married. Just very much committed. But go on with yer bad self and be happy!
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 But there's happy and then there's HAPPY! It's a deep down, comforting, satisfying happy. The feeling I get when my sweety gathers me into his arms after a long day. I can't get that from just anyone. I know he's got my back in every single way, and he knows he's got the same in me. And, BTW, we're not married. Just very much committed. But go on with yer bad self and be happy! I will And thats good for you....you are HAPPY according to your definitions and standards and as far as you are concerned thats all that should matter right? I'm happy you're happy. See the dangers in judging? we're not ALL that bad
xxoo Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hey, now, don't turn all *stone cold* again, okay? She's a nice gal and is just trying to give you some food for thought. It may be right; it may be wrong. Only you and your wife know. Thanks for the sweetness I wasnt going stone cold... I just didnt appreaciat her taking a pot shot at me and my marriage when she doesn't even know me. I wasn't intending to hurt. But, yeah, food for thought. At the risk of annoying you more, lol, keep in mind that examining relationships is what we do here. I honestly mean this in a friendly way--but be careful about sharing here if you don't want it discussed.
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 And thats good for you....you are HAPPY according to your definitions and standards and as far as you are concerned thats all that should matter right?Well, not entirely. Because I love my sweety so, it also matters to me whether HE is happy or not.
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 I wasn't intending to hurt. But, yeah, food for thought. At the risk of annoying you more, lol, keep in mind that examining relationships is what we do here. I honestly mean this in a friendly way--but be careful about sharing here if you don't want it discussed. Well if that wasn't your intention then sorry for snapping. I certainly dont mind discussing it but as you have seen if I feel like I'm being attacked I will respond in kind... I wasnt always like this again...sorry.... carry on
sally4sara Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 OK.. you see that people... now SOMEONE ELSE is being rude in this thread. There is no breakdown in my logic. You see where YOUR logic breaks down is by assuming that just because he would be OK with her taking another lover that she (a totally different person mind you) would interpret it that way by him "confessing" and offering her the choice. You really think that the reason why hes not telling her is because he wants to be the only one cheating? say what? lmao. The reason why he doesn't tell her is likely because he doesn't want to hurt her..perhaps? Sure hes taking a risk of hurting her all the same IF he gets caught. But note the use of the word IF. However, if he tells her it is likely CERTAIN. Weather you agree with his actions or not.... you're interpretation of it is.... questionable OK, I'll spell it out for you. He says in plain English that he goes to great lengths to make sure his wife does not find out because he is aware of the pain it would cause her. This tells us: 1. she would be upset and hurt to know of it. 2. that he perceives the discovery that one's spouse lying and not being monogamous causes pain. If he really believes the way he is living is perfectly okay and he'd be fine with it if she did the same - then why go to the great lengths he goes through to ensure she never finds out? He goes on to say he does not want the marriage to end even though it would afford him better access to the lifestyle he wants. The quickest way to get what he wants would be to tell her and discuss a new set of boundaries for their marriage but he is not and will not do this. These two are not reconcilable. He claims he has no issue, no defect, does not feel what he is doing is wrong and if he were asked to stop, he is unlikely to accomplish it for long. Yet he is aware it would cause her pain if she knew? AGAIN: What I'm doing will cause pain but there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I'm saying it wouldn't bother me if my wife did the same BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I'LL NEVER BE IN HER SHOES to face it and find out if I'm fine with it. Break down in logic. Him saying he'd be fine with it is like a person with no children saying they know they would be a great parent. He can make all the big bold claims he likes when he never has to face them. PS, I'm sure I can fly around in the sky powered by my own farts; I've just never tried.
Stung Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 PS, I'm sure I can fly around in the sky powered by my own farts; I've just never tried. Eat more beans
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Eat more beans I like hearing someone fart even though it stinks. The sound of that booty tuba is hilarious.
StoneCold Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) OK, I'll spell it out for you. He says in plain English that he goes to great lengths to make sure his wife does not find out because he is aware of the pain it would cause her. This tells us: 1. she would be upset and hurt to know of it. 2. that he perceives the discovery that one's spouse lying and not being monogamous causes pain. If he really believes the way he is living is perfectly okay and he'd be fine with it if she did the same - then why go to the great lengths he goes through to ensure she never finds out? He goes on to say he does not want the marriage to end even though it would afford him better access to the lifestyle he wants. The quickest way to get what he wants would be to tell her and discuss a new set of boundaries for their marriage but he is not and will not do this. These two are not reconcilable. He claims he has no issue, no defect, does not feel what he is doing is wrong and if he were asked to stop, he is unlikely to accomplish it for long. Yet he is aware it would cause her pain if she knew? AGAIN: What I'm doing will cause pain but there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I'm saying it wouldn't bother me if my wife did the same BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I'LL NEVER BE IN HER SHOES to face it and find out if I'm fine with it. Break down in logic. Him saying he'd be fine with it is like a person with no children saying they know they would be a great parent. He can make all the big bold claims he likes when he never has to face them. PS, I'm sure I can fly around in the sky powered by my own farts; I've just never tried. nope...dont agree. I could write much more than that...but fact of the matter is I did... but you either dont see it or simply dont agree. And I certainly dont agree with your take on it.... As I said, this discussion is becoming circular so theres no point going back and forth Edited February 9, 2011 by StoneCold
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Well, because after my divorce I went very cold toward men and the entire relationship thing. In fact, I got involved in an FWB relationship because I wanted to get laid but didn't want the commitment and wound up hurting someone very badly. We were friends over 30 years ago, and now we can't be friends any more. Eventually my sweety, who I had known (not closely) for a couple years, asked me to go to a street dance with him. He is so much fun! He was like no man I'd ever been with. Very sweet, funny, kind, supportive, sexy, smart, industrious, considerate, but also commanded respect and earned it. It took awhile, but he broke down my defenses and now, after almost 6 years together, we couldn't be happier. He is still just as he was at the beginning. There was no dog and pony show being put on to "snag" me. He is just that kind of man. The feelings I have for him are different than any I've had for any man before. And, honey, I ain't no spring chicken! I just wish those feelings for everyone at least once in their lifetime, and with your current mindset, I don't know that you'll ever attain it. Makes me sad. I know. I'm kind of a sap. I loved this post for 2 reasons. 1 There's a lot of heart in it. Donna I feel for the first time like I got something from you that wasn't a passing jab to whatever the topic is. Thanks for sharing it. 2 I relate to this post so much. I didn't have a FWB after my bad breakup but I did use someone without intentionally doing it. I didn't love him and I knew I couldn't but I thought I wanted someone so badly I'd settle. At the end I couldn't and I hurt him. Everything you wrote about your sweety I could have written about my xMM. Almost to a T. In amongst it was something that happened after the A happened which he dragged me through and chanced me getting better and going away-which I did. The bolded part where you wish everyone could have what you've found. I did. He was married but I loved him and he loved me with all of the passion and depth you write about. I am not being an a@@ here. I'm being serious. I felt the love and connection you're describing and I honestly would do it all over in a heartbeat. Even if I knew it would end as it did I'd do it all over again. I may love like that again but I doubt it. I waited 45 years for that and I think I'll be too tired at 90 to give it another go. I had that love and I hope yours lasts forever and I join you in hoping everyone experiences it. I hope they have it so it's able to carry them through their years but I still am happy I have at least the memories. I know I must have done some serious threadjacking here and apologize if I did! Thanks Donna.
donnamaybe Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I loved this post for 2 reasons. 1 There's a lot of heart in it. Donna I feel for the first time like I got something from you that wasn't a passing jab to whatever the topic is. Thanks for sharing it.You haven't read enough of my posts then. 2 I relate to this post so much. I didn't have a FWB after my bad breakup but I did use someone without intentionally doing it. Yeah, I didn't do it intentionally either; was very VERY honest that I wanted nothing but sex, and he claimed that was all he wanted too. I didn't love him and I knew I couldn't but I thought I wanted someone so badly I'd settle. At the end I couldn't and I hurt him. Everything you wrote about your sweety I could have written about my xMM. Almost to a T. In amongst it was something that happened after the A happened which he dragged me through and chanced me getting better and going away-which I did. See, the part about this section, though, is that I feel getting involved in an A is settling in the sense that VERY rarely do things end well - for anyone. The bolded part where you wish everyone could have what you've found. I did. He was married but I loved him and he loved me with all of the passion and depth you write about. I am not being an a@@ here. I'm being serious. I felt the love and connection you're describing and I honestly would do it all over in a heartbeat. Even if I knew it would end as it did I'd do it all over again. I may love like that again but I doubt it. I waited 45 years for that and I think I'll be too tired at 90 to give it another go. I had that love and I hope yours lasts forever and I join you in hoping everyone experiences it. I hope they have it so it's able to carry them through their years but I still am happy I have at least the memories. I know I must have done some serious threadjacking here and apologize if I did! Thanks Donna.Well, I'm glad you put things in perspective about the A and have made peace with it. And don't think you can't find that love again. My sweety was single when we started seeing each other. He, too, had been badly hurt by a cheating ex wife and had refused to date anyone for 5 - yes, I said FIVE years! Until me. It took awhile to break down his defenses as well. The thing is, he WAS single and available, so that was one less bit of drama to try to wade through.
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 You haven't read enough of my posts then. Yeah, I didn't do it intentionally either; was very VERY honest that I wanted nothing but sex, and he claimed that was all he wanted too. See, the part about this section, though, is that I feel getting involved in an A is settling in the sense that VERY rarely do things end well - for anyone. If we were talking prior to my A I would have agreed with you but I wasn't settling. I didn't feel it as I was building the R with him and I don't feel I did all these years later. I have never been so loved or loved so much and I wouldn't trade it. I never would have thought it possible till it happened but it did. So I can understand what you're saying but the reality can be very different to that. Not trying to start a debate I'm more just letting you see some honesty on how some of us feel within an A at times. I know you won't agree and that's all good. Just that sometimes it's not black or white and that sometimes it can be the love of a lifetime. I will absolutely agree that more often than not they do not end well. For me the end was worth having had the middle. Well, I'm glad you put things in perspective about the A and have made peace with it. And don't think you can't find that love again. My sweety was single when we started seeing each other. He, too, had been badly hurt by a cheating ex wife and had refused to date anyone for 5 - yes, I said FIVE years! Until me. It took awhile to break down his defenses as well. The thing is, he WAS single and available, so that was one less bit of drama to try to wade through. I had peace with it when it was going on. I made the choices and gave him ample opportunity to not proceed. I don't know if he's made peace with it but that's for him to come to terms with. I hope I find it again. I don't count on it but never say never. I know you won't believe me because most people pigeonhole As but I didn't have any real drama other than ddays. When they came along I told the truth. I never lied and I never hid from her. He had plenty of drama but I didn't. Thanks Donna. Long live Donnamaybe and Sweety!
donnamaybe Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks Donna. Long live Donnamaybe and Sweety! Thanks! And actually, I believed every word. But, really, please don't be telling yourself that you can't have a great love again. It could happen, but if you've already determined in your mind that it can't, it probably won't.
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks! And actually, I believed every word. But, really, please don't be telling yourself that you can't have a great love again. It could happen, but if you've already determined in your mind that it can't, it probably won't. Believe me Doll I am open to it happening. I am more open to a normal love happening and I'll be happy with that. I think that a true love is something you're lucky to find once in a lifetime. I've had it and I am such a lucky girl. You are as well. I have someone in my life who is special and wonderful and I thank my lucky stars for him. I love him but it's different. Good for sure but still different. I agree that once we shut off the expectation of something it normally passes us by. I think we don't bother to look for it or to notice it. Sorry for the TJ guys!
StoneCold Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) why was I thinking Summer Breeze was a guy (with a fruity name)? I know.. because she was agreeing with me.....MWAHAHAHAHA Yes thats right... I just went there Edited February 9, 2011 by StoneCold
Summer Breeze Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 why was I thinking Summer Breeze was a guy (with a fruity name)? I know.. because she was agreeing with me.....MWAHAHAHAHA Yes thats right... I just went there I've never been so insulted. Ok yes I have. I agreed with you on the importance of sex in a relationship and so many people make it seem like a nonissue until lives are torn apart because of it. I'm not saying anyone not getting enough should go out and have an A but if your partner gives up asking you can't just assume it's ok. You can't be complacent and let it ride or it'll be the end of the R. I also agree with you that you can't judge someone just from an article. You don't have to like what happened but you don't know the whole story. It's like in here. We all make judgements when we only have the part of the story that any poster is willing to pur forward. At least in a forum there's the chance for some more information to come out. A chance to get some conversation going to make a better guess on the state of things. I don't think people should turn to affairs but I'm mature and worldwise enough to know they do. They shouldn't lie but they do. Humans predominantly take the path of least resistance. Sometimes it's lying to keep the peace and sometimes it's an A so everything in life stays the same and an escape of sorts is put in place. I'm not condoning it I'm merely passing observations on people that I've had over the years.
donnamaybe Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I've never been so insulted. Ok yes I have.I was going to say where I thought I'd heard the name "Summer Breeze" before, but I'd better not.
Stung Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) I've never been so insulted. Ok yes I have. I agreed with you on the importance of sex in a relationship and so many people make it seem like a nonissue until lives are torn apart because of it. I'm not saying anyone not getting enough should go out and have an A but if your partner gives up asking you can't just assume it's ok. You can't be complacent and let it ride or it'll be the end of the R. . I actually agreed with both of you on this, too. I think most people on these fora believe that sex is important in a relationship, even the women. Edited February 9, 2011 by Stung
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