Arasae Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Long story short, he left his journal on his desk and I, always curious, opened it since he tends to have random doodlings and story ideas lying around, and I thought it was one of those. We had a big "heart to heart" the other week where he told me that he was concerned that we don't have the same interests and seemed to be talking himself back from the brink of breaking up. Well, in one page, his journal confirmed that and made it absolutely clear that we shouldn't date any longer. In his journal, said some nice things, like that he trusts me implicitly, the sex is good, and I'm the shiniest prospect he's ever had.. But then he had to go on and add that he questions my stability, my ability to someday be a good mother, and laments that I'm apparently not as intelligent as his last ex-girlfriend. (If only I'd become fluent in Latin instead of American Sign Language! Right..) He concluded by using a phrase like "she has a long way to go before she earns the crown of becoming my queen" and said something about how he feels quite content by his onesie. So by his onesie, he shall be. If the person I'm with is going to think those things about me, he should at least be willing to show up for salsa dancing occasionally. This is really hard for me. It's abundantly clear that he loves me for who he hopes I'll someday be rather than who I am now. It seems the main reason he's with me is because he doesn't have an abundance of options. So.. I'm going to do it fast, like a band-aid. But.. what do I do after? I admit it: I'm one of those people who is afraid of being alone. I've never been happy by myself.. and that's a problem. What do you all do after break ups? First, how do you move on, and then, how do you learn to be happy? I don't think I can ever be in a healthy relationship unless I figure that part out first. Advice?
Cee Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I used to be afraid of being alone. What worked for me was doing the break up and then getting a lot of support. I went into counseling and learned that childhood trauma was part of the reason I latched onto men. I also got involved in social activities and made a lot of friends. I have learned that friendships can be very satisfying and intimate. Also, I developed several interests and started to exercise. I took an improv class and started doing comedy as a hobby. Hmmm, I guess what I did is I was so busy, I couldn't even think of dating
Mrlonelyone Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You do realize that what he writes in his journal would be private thoughts that he just has bouncing around in his head? When you do break up with him will you tell him you read his journal?
Author Arasae Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 When you do break up with him will you tell him you read his journal? No. I'll tell him what I've been feeling for the past three weeks, which is that we aren't compatible enough to maintain our relationship in the long run. I adore all things English related, dancing, singing, reading, and ASL. He likes everything History (and laments the fact that I'm not historically inclined), fashion (he's told me that I need to develop a sense of fashion for this to work in the long run), architecture, reading, and very specific types of music. He won't go dancing, he doesn't try to talk to my friends or interact on the two times I've dragged him to karaoke, whereas I've made a point to try to understand fashion a tad better, gone thrift-store shopping with him, gone to concerts with him... I feel he needed to try a little harder to maybe try out some things that I liked. It feels very one-sided. As for thoughts he had bouncing around, one of the thoughts he DID have was that, through talking to me, he "talked himself off of a ledge." He was thinking about breaking up with me before, and almost did.. I'd say that's a pretty good indicator that we should stop wasting our time.
sammyd Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hi Arasae, Well, seems like you have made the decision, so good luck! As for being on your own, well, you don't have to be. How about joining a local social group or something where they do lots of activities? Arrange with friends to go out, even if it's just for a coffee, or a walk, or something. Umm, you can post on here, get a dog, join a gym, take up a new hobby, get new pen pals, etc. I was never very good at being on my own before, but i've sort of learnt to cope with it, so maybe it's something u should try and do for a while:) It's just a case of finding things to do, keep busy. If you get lonely, there's always someone to chat to on here! Take care:) Oh and for what it's worth, i think you are making the right decision:)
Crazy Magnet Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I struggled with the same thing when I was younger. I was always afraid to pull the trigger on a relationship and would stay long past what I needed to. What I had to discover was that I could have deep and meaningful relationships with my female friends that were just as intimate as with a partner. Since then I have spent considerable time pursuing female friendships and really getting to know my friends on a deep level. That has helped more than anything. I also found things I was passionate about and started volunteering to help out organizations that aligned with those passions. I found a new hobby (gaming, which can be done solo) and tada...I'm ok with being single. I also forced myself to be single for a specified period of time because from the age of 15 to 29 I had never been single more than a month or two, and even then I always had an in-between guy. I'm in the same relationship spot and it's the first potential break up since I made all these efforts so I'll let you know how it goes!
GivenUp0083 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Although I do agree with the post about a journal being private thoughts and ideas bouncing around... I say drop this guy for sure. He sounds extremely critical and I wouldn't be surprised if any woman (let alone the OP) doesn't live up to his unreasonable and ridiculous expectations. Let him live his life in disappointment. His attitude toward the relationship just plain sucks. He should see their differences as a positive for him to learn more about her interests and expand his own, rather than wishing she was more inclined to take on his interests. Sure, I wish my girl had a little better fashion sense but I'll wait a while to bring it up to her and try and help her. Once she's comfortable that she knows I truly care for her and want to be with her in the long run, then maybe tweak her a little bit on how she dresses (she's a fantastically gorgeous woman with a great figure, just her clothes don't compliment her at all). But yeah, as for being alone, I was single 4 years before my current gf and you can either dwell on the negative of being alone or you and embrace the positive of the freedom to try new things, meet new people, and develop yourself and grow as a person.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Meh, a man is entitled to his preferences. Kind of messed up you went through his journal, even more messed up that you're going to lie about why you're leaving him. Personally, you'd be doing this man a favor if he can't even keep his private thoughts to himself...as they are, private.
etrujillo Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I think if youre gonna be with someone its beacause of who they are, not their potential. this guy sounds to controlling and hard to please. relationships need hardwork but when it becomes a task its time to go.
bolase Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You sound like a cool (and smart) girlfriend. He seems a bit superficial. Find someone who appreciates your deeper levels, and whose you can enter yourself, and you will find a fulfilling relationship. When it comes to waht he said about fashion, some guys actually like you for who are and even consider lack of fashion sense cute, others like a project (to tweak a few simple superficial traits) but as other posters have said, his attitude sucks. You don't need luck I'm sure in finding another guy, but I hope the breakup is smooth. Take up a new hobby that gets you outside like tennis or photography or if you enjoy a spiritual side, pray in a different setting.. wish you the best
LexiB Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Arasae, did you go through with it? Hope you're coping well either way.
welikeincrowds Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) "she has a long way to go before she earns the crown of becoming my queen" JESUS ****, I couldn't keep reading after this. BLAHGHHHHH :sick::sick: But I did, and I will tell you that this struck me: how do you learn to be happy?as a great question, and a perfect opportunity to listen to myself talk -- which, incidentally, is what makes me happy, OP! In particular it's a healthier phrasing of the question that compels all the world. "How do I find happiness?" Everyone is searching, even when they forget they're doing it. That's the problem: it's so easy to forget. That's why I say your phrasing is healthy. It takes effort -- study -- to find happiness. And in a way, you're your own subject -- because your happiness belongs to you. Whenever you find it within others, it's because you put it there. So the question isn't "How do I become happy?" It's "what makes me happy?" Or, more specifically: "What is it about that which makes me happy?" Then, you can crystallize a goal. But I hate to call it a goal. Happiness is something you pursue, but that tricks us into thinking that happiness is something you can write down on a sheet of paper or hold in your hand. It's the trick that has funded every advertising budget in the western world since the beginning of the modern era. Ironically, happiness is not a thing, so much a thing as it is an absence of things. The happiest people are the ones who have learned to forgive. Edited February 7, 2011 by welikeincrowds
Author Arasae Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Arasae, did you go through with it? Hope you're coping well either way. No. I didn't. I hung out with a close guy friend of mine the night of this post, and we talked about things. He made me realize that it's not a "fear of being alone" problem--if I'm alone, it's because I'm choosing to be, not lack of prospects. What my guy friend made me realize is that the problem with breaking up with him is that, even though some of the things he said were totally asinine, I love him. Really and truly. I can't just walk away from someone I love, especially when we ultimately have a very good relationship. Also, it would be hypocritical. Were he to read my diary (or even posts on this website, might I add), he'd probably feel very hurt, for there have also been times when I felt the need to walk away for various reasons. But I didn't in the past. And it turned out to be the right decision, against what many LS-ers had advised. Since that night, I talked to him about hanging out with my friends, and he apologized and will make a point to be more engaged in the future. I've also carefully addressed some of the topics that hurt me from what I've read (he still doesn't know I read that entry), and it's clear that he's thought about them some more based on what he's told me--and things are better. I've decided to never examine that book again... Because I don't need to know his private thoughts unless he cares to share them with me. What I did was wrong (and, um, really, really stupid) and won't be repeated. So.. that's what's up. =)
Ay Diesel T Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) No. I didn't. I hung out with a close guy friend of mine the night of this post, and we talked about things. He made me realize that it's not a "fear of being alone" problem--if I'm alone, it's because I'm choosing to be, not lack of prospects. What my guy friend made me realize is that the problem with breaking up with him is that, even though some of the things he said were totally asinine, I love him. Really and truly. I can't just walk away from someone I love, especially when we ultimately have a very good relationship. Also, it would be hypocritical. Were he to read my diary (or even posts on this website, might I add), he'd probably feel very hurt, for there have also been times when I felt the need to walk away for various reasons. But I didn't in the past. And it turned out to be the right decision, against what many LS-ers had advised. Since that night, I talked to him about hanging out with my friends, and he apologized and will make a point to be more engaged in the future. I've also carefully addressed some of the topics that hurt me from what I've read (he still doesn't know I read that entry), and it's clear that he's thought about them some more based on what he's told me--and things are better. I've decided to never examine that book again... Because I don't need to know his private thoughts unless he cares to share them with me. What I did was wrong (and, um, really, really stupid) and won't be repeated. So.. that's what's up. =) Glad you made that decision. He just feels you could step it up a notch you know. I'm sure there's things about him you think, and wouldn't want him to know. "Gosh why can't he find my G-Spot? Time to fake another orgasm.." Type of deal. Let's not throw away decent relationships over dumb ****, please? Lol. Reminds me of that Kat William's skit "throw away a 98% n***a over two ****ing percent!" Edited February 21, 2011 by Ay Diesel T
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