GTO Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I've been married for over twenty years. My wife began cheating on me very early in the marriage, but we had a yound child so I stayed. The cheating went on several times, even with guys that I worked with. Due to my desire to be there for my children (two) I stayed in the marriage to be near them. Being in the Military, I knew that my chances of getting custody were nil. Now that my children have grown (my youngest will graduate high school in this year), I've told my wife that I wanted a divorce. I know that I'm trying to compress twenty some years into this short thread, but long story short, we're in couseling right now. I've finally decided to be happy with or without my wife. Here's my question, is it possible to get over multiple affairs and become close with her again? Right now, I'm not very optimistic. I'm very simple when it comes to relationships. I simply want to be happy....period. Sounds goofy, I know, but after holding this in for so long, it felt good to let her know that I've come to that conclusion. Are there any married folks out there that have successfully overcome this? I could understand one mistake, but several? I'm having a very difficult time with this.
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I personally couldn't overcome cheating - even a single affair, never mind multiple affairs. I simply wouldn't be able to trust the person again, and would feel that they didn't love me enough or else they wouldn't have cheated.
Author GTO Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 That's the way I'm leaning, too. Do I tell the children why we're getting divorced? Right now they think that I'm simply walking out on their mother. But, I don't want to ruin their relationship with their Mom.
kevinm1019 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I've been married for over twenty years. My wife began cheating on me very early in the marriage, but we had a yound child so I stayed. The cheating went on several times, even with guys that I worked with. Due to my desire to be there for my children (two) I stayed in the marriage to be near them. Being in the Military, I knew that my chances of getting custody were nil. Now that my children have grown (my youngest will graduate high school in this year), I've told my wife that I wanted a divorce. I know that I'm trying to compress twenty some years into this short thread, but long story short, we're in couseling right now. I've finally decided to be happy with or without my wife. Here's my question, is it possible to get over multiple affairs and become close with her again? Right now, I'm not very optimistic. I'm very simple when it comes to relationships. I simply want to be happy....period. Sounds goofy, I know, but after holding this in for so long, it felt good to let her know that I've come to that conclusion. Are there any married folks out there that have successfully overcome this? I could understand one mistake, but several? I'm having a very difficult time with this. Hi GTO... I can completely relate to this. I do not have the tenure that you do in your relationship but I have experienced a similar situation. I've been with my significant other for 13 years and there have been multiple affairs or "gushing" over previous relationships whether they were committed or open relationships. I've had to deal with a number of scenarios from hearing about why the relationship did not or may not have worked out to how special each person was in her life and to her. The unfortunate thing about her reminiscing is the men she gives the most credit to, has respect for and "gushes" over are the men she had "open relationships" with. There hasn't been a year that has gone by in our relationship where I have not heard about these men. On multiple occasions, she has reached out to her ex-boyfriend, lover, or whatever he is (the other one died from a motorcycle accident) to discuss the past and in her recent affair actions... she was talking to four separate men, sleeping with one, making arrangements to meet with another for sex, etc., talking about marriage/commitment with the third and dealing with jealousy/harassment from the fourth. She had an "agreement" with the "main guy/her #1" that they could have an "open relationship" and they would share stories about the other men she was interested in or pursuing. Her reasoning... "she enjoyed the attention and the ego boost." The defining moment for me is when she was discovered in her recent event... she decided to reach out to one of my best friends for "advice" via text messaging and phone calls because "she thought it was ok considering I shared my feelings about her infidelity with my friend." She didn't call any of her friends, family or loved ones... she reached out to "another" male and felt validated when he told her in so many words that people make mistakes and it happens. The ironic thing about all of this is whenever she feels like she is being categorized or referred to as being "promiscuous" or a "wh*re" during any discussions surrounding her poor choices or decisions... she gets very upset and becomes destructive whether verbally or physically. Despite all of my concerns I expressed about her interaction with my friend (which I addressed with him directly and advised him not to put himself in a position which could jeopardize our relationship)... during Christmas Eve she drank some alcohol and inquired about/made suggestions about having a threesome with him. When he told her it was not going to happen... her response... no one has ever rejected her and she was upset... the following emotions were she acted bummed out and pouted for the next few days with the response of "I can't believe he would sleep with my cousin but not want me." In closing, she inquired about whether or not I would be upset about someone not wanting me sexually if I had an opportunity to pursue sexual fun and I responded with "no... because I have someone I'm in a relationship with... so I don't need another woman outside of my relationship to validate me." (If you could have the look on her face) The reason I share all of this with you is this... when people cannot or will not distinguish between genuinely bad behavior and whether or not his or her significant other understands love, commitment, trust and respect... he or she cannot and will not say or do something about the genuinely bad behavior. In retrospect... I understand how you are feeling. I struggle with my significant other's past infidelities and the infidelity from a year ago for the same reasons. When I think about it... I realize I went through these trials and tribulations in my relationship with her because I accepted her behavior and continuously forgave her. As the years went on... one man became two... two men became four men. Why? Because I accepted the behavior, neglected my happiness and in turn, compromised myself, my beliefs and set an inappropriate example as a husband, father and model for my children. In numerous moments of weakness and anger... and a desperate attempt to keep her in my life because of our tenure and children... I told her she could see other men if she wanted/needed to and even suggested an "open relationship" since it appeared those are the type of men she gives the most respect, value and sense of obligation to. In turn, she wanted to speak with me and help me to understand she needed to deal with her character weaknesses and struggles with infidelity not only for herself... but because she truly loved me and was sorry for hurting me and our family. She went into a in depth discussion where she expressed her shame and disappointment in herself for her actions and disrespecting herself and not honoring herself as a woman and my mate. In closing, she stated she was going to work on this and hope that I loved her enough for us to get through it together. My advice for you is to be completely honest, speak your mind and not settle for genuinely bad behavior. "Manage your destiny... or someone will manage it for you." We are both going through a serious struggle but a person's actions speak volumes about their intentions or representation of love. I wish you luck and hope you are able to succeed with your challenges and your relationship. Best wishes and I will keep you in my prayers.
kevinm1019 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 That's the way I'm leaning, too. Do I tell the children why we're getting divorced? Right now they think that I'm simply walking out on their mother. But, I don't want to ruin their relationship with their Mom. That is a decision you will have to give careful thought. Depending on their age will determine their future and views of love, marriage, etc. Unfortunately, I had to tell my 17 year old, 18 year old and 12 year old because she was trying to blame me for her choices.
moloko Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I got over my wife's cheating. by divorcing her
seibert253 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 It's one thing is a spouse is unfaithful, then repentant, changes, and remains faithful thereafter. That may be something you can work through. It seems your WW doesn't fit that catagory. Why are you continuing to waste anymore of your time with her? If she hasn't changed in the XX years you've been married, what really makes you think that now she's gonna reverse 20 some years of behavior, and do a complete 180? Please stop fooling yourself.
Bryanp Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Seibert is absolutely correct. For 20 years she has been putting your health at risk for STD's and playing you for an absolute fool. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not have respect for yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting as you have been?
Distant78 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I got over my wife's cheating. by divorcing her And finding someone worth my time too.
Distant78 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I've been married for over twenty years. My wife began cheating on me very early in the marriage, but we had a yound child so I stayed. The cheating went on several times, even with guys that I worked with. Due to my desire to be there for my children (two) I stayed in the marriage to be near them. Being in the Military, I knew that my chances of getting custody were nil. Now that my children have grown (my youngest will graduate high school in this year), I've told my wife that I wanted a divorce. I know that I'm trying to compress twenty some years into this short thread, but long story short, we're in couseling right now. I've finally decided to be happy with or without my wife. Here's my question, is it possible to get over multiple affairs and become close with her again? Right now, I'm not very optimistic. I'm very simple when it comes to relationships. I simply want to be happy....period. Sounds goofy, I know, but after holding this in for so long, it felt good to let her know that I've come to that conclusion. Are there any married folks out there that have successfully overcome this? I could understand one mistake, but several? I'm having a very difficult time with this. Dude all I gotta say is that you should've left years ago. Even if your chances of getting custody were low, it is not worth staying in an abusive relationship. You've let her off the hook for over 2 decades. You should've left the first time she deceived you. Sexually she put your life at risk dude MULTIPLE TIMES. The military takes infidelity pretty seriously doesn't it? From your posts it doesn't even seem like she did anything to reassure you she'd never treat you like that again. Your children are grown enough to handle the truth so you divorcing your wife will not affect them. This is something you must do for yourself to keep your sanity. Something you should've did long time ago.
Stung Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 That's the way I'm leaning, too. Do I tell the children why we're getting divorced? Right now they think that I'm simply walking out on their mother. But, I don't want to ruin their relationship with their Mom. First, it's her dishonest actions that have the potential to ruin their relationship, not your honesty after the fact. Second, a father is as important to his children as the mother is. By letting them think you're walking out on the marriage/family for no reason, they feel like they're losing their father. How is that better than the truth? If your children were young I would suggest letting it lie, but the youngest is graduating high school, presumably either a legal adult or very nearly so. It will be hard for them to accept the truth, but I believe that having all the facts is important for them. They deserve to learn to have an adult, nuanced, multi-faceted perspective on their parents as human beings. You might want to post over in Infidelity, as well. Personally I believe it is possible to overcome cheating, but probably not when there is no true remorse, when the behavior has been rampant and repeated, and when there have been years of lies and resentment. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I wish you luck as you take your next steps. I hope freedom is sweet.
Woggle Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 NO. Once that trust is broken it can never be fixed.
kevinm1019 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 First, it's her dishonest actions that have the potential to ruin their relationship, not your honesty after the fact. Second, a father is as important to his children as the mother is. By letting them think you're walking out on the marriage/family for no reason, they feel like they're losing their father. How is that better than the truth? If your children were young I would suggest letting it lie, but the youngest is graduating high school, presumably either a legal adult or very nearly so. It will be hard for them to accept the truth, but I believe that having all the facts is important for them. They deserve to learn to have an adult, nuanced, multi-faceted perspective on their parents as human beings. You might want to post over in Infidelity, as well. Personally I believe it is possible to overcome cheating, but probably not when there is no true remorse, when the behavior has been rampant and repeated, and when there have been years of lies and resentment. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I wish you luck as you take your next steps. I hope freedom is sweet. Let me share a story about a frog and a scorpion... one day a scorpion was at the edge of a pond and needed to get to the other side. The scorpion saw a frog relaxing on a lily pad and asked the frog to carry him to the other side of the pond. The frog said "I would but you might sting me." The scorpion replied, "I would not sting you because I need your help and your kindness will not go unnoticed." The frog decided to help the scorpion and said "Ok... crawl on my back." The scorpion crawled on the frog's back and the frog hopped from lily pad to lily pad until he reached the other side. As soon as the frog landed on solid ground, the scorpion moved his tail into striking position and stung the frog. The frog asked in a weakened voice, "Why did you do that?!!!? I thought you weren't going to sting me and reward me for my kindness??!!" The scorpion responded with, "I'm sorry froggy... it's in my nature." (Evil laugh)
moloko Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 NO. Once that trust is broken it can never be fixed. patched up maybe, but totally fixed? never
sammyd Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 patched up maybe, but totally fixed? never Agree. You'll always be wondering . . .
Distant78 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 patched up maybe, but totally fixed? never Exactly. The scars of betrayal never fully heal. The pain just goes down to where you barely feel it.
jnj express Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Why would you stay one more day with a serial cheater---- she can claim all she can she loves you, and will change---I doubt it---she will cheat on you again, and again Yes you tell your kids why the mge., is ending let them know what kind of a person their mother is---stop defending her----she could care less about you, and her own kids---if she cared about you there would have been no cheating---the kids need to know what their mother is If for some strange reason you do stay, at least make her sign a POST--NUP--AGREEMENT--with a DURESS CLAUSE
Author GTO Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 To all of you who posted advice on this situation, I say thank you. Kevinm1019, I'm sorry you had to endure a very similar fiasco. I was raised to honor my commitments, and this decision has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I can tell that my wife is trying to change and is beginning to see that she has deeply injured my trust and our marriage. But after much thought, anguish and maybe even some tears, I've come to the conclusion that, even if she altered her course and changed, I don't believe I would ever fully trust her nor feel the affection that I long to share with a woman. I've been shot at, blown up, and subjected to artillery and mortar fire. Nothing, and I'm very serious about this, nothing has been as scary or as painful as this decision. I won't go into the details with my children, but I do think that some of you are right and they need to know that I'm not simply leaving the marriage for no reason. I love them too much to have them hate me. Having said this, I will not try to turn them against their mother....I steadfastly refuse to do that. Again, thank all of you for your thoughts and advice. I pray that you all have more success in your relationships than I. Maybe someday, I, too, will find someone to be happy with. God Bless. GTO
sammyd Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 GTO, what you feel is completely understandable and normal. Some people can move on, some can't. I'm one also, that can't. Good luck with your decision, and there's always support here. Take care now.
kevinm1019 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 To all of you who posted advice on this situation, I say thank you. Kevinm1019, I'm sorry you had to endure a very similar fiasco. I was raised to honor my commitments, and this decision has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I can tell that my wife is trying to change and is beginning to see that she has deeply injured my trust and our marriage. But after much thought, anguish and maybe even some tears, I've come to the conclusion that, even if she altered her course and changed, I don't believe I would ever fully trust her nor feel the affection that I long to share with a woman. I've been shot at, blown up, and subjected to artillery and mortar fire. Nothing, and I'm very serious about this, nothing has been as scary or as painful as this decision. I won't go into the details with my children, but I do think that some of you are right and they need to know that I'm not simply leaving the marriage for no reason. I love them too much to have them hate me. Having said this, I will not try to turn them against their mother....I steadfastly refuse to do that. Again, thank all of you for your thoughts and advice. I pray that you all have more success in your relationships than I. Maybe someday, I, too, will find someone to be happy with. God Bless. GTO GTO... good luck to you and I hope you are able to heal from this in a positive and constructive manner. Yes I agree, these are very difficult situations for both of us. Make sure you take the time to filter through your feelings and decide your future. I wish you the best for you and your family. Take care my friend.
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