Cee Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I met a man in a social group last month and we had a good conversation. Then a few weeks later, we reconnected and I could tell he was interested. He told me he was almost 24. When he asked my age (I'm 41) I said "well over 30." That night he got my number, called me, and we have started dating. Anyway, he still doesn't know my exact age. I have brought up our age difference and he says it doesn't matter. And he doesn't care what other people or society thinks. So I have dropped the matter. The dating is in its early stages and we haven't gotten physical yet. We probably will on our next date this weekend. The age issue niggles at me. Age isn't a "problem" that I need to disclose. On the other hand, I suspect he will be quite surprised to find out that I'm over 40. My decision currently is not to tell him unless he asks. And he hasn't asked. Do you think that's a proper decision?
Emilia Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 if it bugs you, you should probably tell him. I would. I'm 38 (39 later this year) and I always make sure the man I'm seeing knows how old I am. biologically certain things like kids for example are out of the question so it's good for him to know that from the start.
oaks Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have brought up our age difference and he says it doesn't matter. I think this is one of those times when there isn't a hidden meaning behind what the man says.
PerpetualMotion Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 If you think your relationship with him is getting serious, then I think you should tell him.
heartshaped Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Age also isn't a "problem" that you should hide. It's best to be upfront and honest at all times with someone you are seeing.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I don't think it matters at all, unless it is something you just can't get over. He knows you're a lot older than he is. The exact age is probably not pertinent at all.
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Most men in their twenties want a family at some point. When he says your age doesn't matter, he either doesn't want a LTR, or he thinks that a few years difference is irrelevant as long as you're still within your reproductive years (which he may assume you are, if you look young). I'm not concerned about him per se, as if he wants to move on and have a family he has plenty of years to do it in. My concern is that you may invest in this relationship and expect it to last, which is unlikely unless he doesn't want kids. At age 41 do you really want to invest your time (possibly years) in a relationship which won't last, and be back on the market at 45? I think you should disclose your age just he's not wasting his time if he wants a LTR leading to children, and you're not wasting your time if he just wants a fling. Of course, if you're happy to just have a fling then that's a different story... or maybe he really does want an LTR and isn't bothered about having kids. Either way it's best to know.
Author Cee Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Yeah, I'm going to tell him. It's a piece of data that is commonly shared among people. And yes, I do trust the age difference means nothing to him. I'm making too much of this. We haven't hit the tipping point of going from dating to a relationship, but it seems to be heading in that direction. Him knowing my age will become more important as we grow closer. As for me, I have absolutely zero interest in getting married or having children. I simply want to be in a loving relationship for a while.
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 If you're heading towards a relationship, the real test will be when you meet his family. I sure wouldn't be happy if my 23yo son was dating a woman of 41 who (in my mind) would be leading him astray and depriving me of having grandchildren. It's possible that his mom is only a couple of years older than you are, so I don't expect she'll be happy about your relationship. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you should be prepared for some possible parental disapproval if you end up in a serious relationship. Even if things don't head that way, at least you can enjoy the dating
heartshaped Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 As for me, I have absolutely zero interest in getting married or having children. I simply want to be in a loving relationship for a while. I think you should make clear your wants for this relationship as well. It's important that both people are on the same page about what the relationship is and where it is headed or not headed.
O'Malley Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I think you should make clear your wants for this relationship as well. It's important that both people are on the same page about what the relationship is and where it is headed or not headed. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you should be prepared for some possible parental disapproval if you end up in a serious relationship. Both points are far more significant than the age differential. I would just bring up your age in casual conversation, as it doesn't appear to be an issue at all. Take things slow and have fun.
Author Cee Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 If you're heading towards a relationship, the real test will be when you meet his family. I sure wouldn't be happy if my 23yo son was dating a woman of 41 who (in my mind) would be leading him astray and depriving me of having grandchildren. It's possible that his mom is only a couple of years older than you are, so I don't expect she'll be happy about your relationship. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you should be prepared for some possible parental disapproval if you end up in a serious relationship. Even if things don't head that way, at least you can enjoy the dating Hmm, he doesn't seem to be too fond of his parents. He is polite about them, but has distanced himself. It never occurred to me that he'd ever introduce me to them. Now, me introducing him to my family. That would be a laugh riot. One of my sisters would love it because her husband is 9 years younger than her. But my little sister would probably never forgive me. She's 13 years younger than me and would hate that I'm dating in "her" pool.
Author Cee Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I think you should make clear your wants for this relationship as well. It's important that both people are on the same page about what the relationship is and where it is headed or not headed. That's a helpful response. At this point, we have agreed on a couple of things about what it means in the present. We haven't discussed the future at all because it's too soon. We have been taking it slow. Both of us haven't been in relationships for a period of time, so each of us is being cautious. This is off topic, but I have to say that this 24-year old has been treating me so well. And it's a lot of fun. We don't only go on dates, but we also do fun group activities together. He doesn't mind integrating into my existing social activities.
cerridwen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 (edited) Cee, you're right to tell him. Why not rid yourself of that niggling little feeling around the issue? I dated a man 11 yrs younger and at first it was light and carefree. He knew I was older but couldn't tell by how much. Age became an issue later but that had more to do with HIS maturity. This is a very interesting situation. I hope you update us after you tell him. Edited February 3, 2011 by cerridwen
ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 OP, it's official. you're a cougar. enjoy.
musemaj11 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 If you think about it, when you were 30, he was 13 ...
Titania22 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 if it bugs you, you should probably tell him. I would. I'm 38 (39 later this year) and I always make sure the man I'm seeing knows how old I am. biologically certain things like kids for example are out of the question so it's good for him to know that from the start. Sorry for the off topic post, but I wanted to respond to this post. I know at this stage you feel that kids are out of the question and perhaps they are. But my ex husband (who I hold no love towards) had a relationship with a woman a couple of years older then you are now, and she told him much the same thing. One day she fell pregnant, something she didn't even consider possible (she has ms), and decided to keep it. Now he has to pay 18yrs child support to a woman who assured him she would never have a child. So be careful, making assumption, unless of course, you literally mean that if in the unlikely event you fell pregnant you would abort it.
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