PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Dude. Sorry for your bad situations. Yes you definitely need to get rid of this manipulative cheating bitch. Your life will be much better without her. Maybe not right away, but in the long run it will.
woinlove Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Havent posted for a few days. More bad news I'm afraid. Where do I start? Ok today we sat down and talked again civilly and decided there are only 3 options, try to make a go of it, trial separation or split. She's been saying for the last few days lets make it up and then changing her mind back and forth between the three options, I could not agree. I asked her if she had to make a decision now what would she do, she answered trial separation so to me thats slowmotion split up. So it really is over well and truely. It's hard to give up the time we've had together but must be done. Still it gets better, I got done for drink driving last week (really stupid, never drive when upset and unsure how much you've drunk, I'm ashamed of myself) and will lose my licensce, luckily I've got good public transport and trains nearby however to make matters even worse my son,who is 20 and lives in america, from my first marraige just tried to kill himself, he knows nothing about any of the issues i've discussed here so it's separate. I called my gp and she was gobsmacked at how bad my luck is at the moment, it's killing me at the moment all together. I'm so sorry to hear about your son, on top of everything else. This would be exactly the time you would lean a bit on your long-time partner for support, but instead she's chosen to take up with other men. You deserve a lot better than this, so stay strong, lean on family and friends as needed, and I'm sure things will get better. When someone betrays you, you still don't fall immediately out of love, so, as you say, it is hard to give up what you've shared together. But she killed what you had and isn't offering anything to rebuild. I really don't understand how WS end up treating their partners they way they do - it certainly sounds like emotional abuse to me, to be lied and deceived and treated with such disrespect by someone you've built a life with and trust. Maybe she always had that cruel, selfish part of her or maybe she changed. Whatever it is, you don't deserve this treatment.
Author Lance22 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Well everything is falling apart for me but I know it will get better eventually. I'm struggling with the letting go bit for sure. Question: has anyone here ever tried a trial separation and had it work or is it just delaying the inevitable. I worry one or the other of us will meet someone with that "spark" that lasts 6m-1yr and that will finish it for good. Of course there will still be all the past baggage to deal with.
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 There is no such thing as a "trial" separation. You're either separated, or you're not. What is the "trial" for anyway? How do you know when the trial has succeeded or failed? Seriously dude. Ditch the bitch. The way she has treated you is disgusting. You should never even consider taking her back.
sammyd Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Oh Lance, really sorry to hear your update. I was wondering where you'd got to. Ur bad luck sounds a bit like mine at the moment, although totally different scenarios!! So sorry to hear about your son. Hope he is doing better now. Must be so hard for you being over here and hearing that. I think all you can do, is take each day one at a time. Don't look too far ahead for now. As for the 'trial seperation', i think really you need to go no contact, so both of you can find out what you really want. Personally, i wouldn't be able to forgive my partner if they did what yours had done. But, at the end of the day, it's your decision, and you could do with taking some control for you, for your sanity:) Keep posting here, it does help you know. Take care, ((hugs))
Author Lance22 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks Sammy...... This is the worst time of my life. I never thought it could get so bad. I checked on my son and he is still in hospital but ok although very withdrawn. They have put him on a antidepressants that I have never heard of but his mother will be with him today. I'm going with Pete's advice that there is no temporary separation. Waiting to see the counciler on Sat and then go to court for my drink driving on Thursday next week. It will be a long ban but I'm praying for no custodial sentence or at least a suspended one. Solicitor is confident I will be ok. Stress takes you out of your mind and makes you do things you would never otherwise do. Pete, question - what happened to you or can you link your story. thanks.
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 My story I guess is fairly simple and typical. After 9 months of marriage I found my wife was sexting another guy so I confronted her. After the usual denials she admitted she had done the dirty once already, and was planning to again that weekend. This was back in July, I had to wait until October to file for divorce (stupid 12 months rule!) and it will become final at the end of this month.
Binster Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hi Lance I'm reall y sorry about the way your luck is at the moment hope things come good soon. Just wanted to say about giving her the choice on the three options basically you cant trust her now so all a trial seperation means is she can s***w around with a clear conscience and come back to you for a while if things dont work out for her (your the safety net). My advice is just split now while your in charge of things, if she doesn't like it tough.
sammyd Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks Sammy...... This is the worst time of my life. I never thought it could get so bad. I checked on my son and he is still in hospital but ok although very withdrawn. They have put him on a antidepressants that I have never heard of but his mother will be with him today. I'm going with Pete's advice that there is no temporary separation. Waiting to see the counciler on Sat and then go to court for my drink driving on Thursday next week. It will be a long ban but I'm praying for no custodial sentence or at least a suspended one. Solicitor is confident I will be ok. Stress takes you out of your mind and makes you do things you would never otherwise do. Pete, question - what happened to you or can you link your story. thanks. Well, the good news is, if you're at the lowest low, there's only one way to go! (I'm a glass half full kinda gal!. Glad your son is being taken care of. He's in the right place. How old is he if you don't mind me asking? Once you get court out of the way next week, you can start rebuilding properly. You're gonna have a lot of bad days, mixed with better days for a while. Nothing ever seems to happen fast when you want it to! Separating, believe it or not, will be part of your rebuilding too. The start of a new life for you. It's just going to take a bit of time to sort things out.
Author Lance22 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Sammy My son is 20 and at uni in america. No one saw this coming at all. I know the bottom is around here somewhere but it just seems like when I think I'm there I get hit with another sledgehammer. What is going to happen next? who knows, however I know I will survive all this and there was a point I was'nt so sure but I am now so I guess thats progress.
Author Lance22 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 frozensprouts - counciling, friends, family, everything i can think of. btw i think your anaylis is correct.
jnj express Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey Lance--I am new into this thread---but---no way for any type of seperation---a seperation just allows her to cheat, with you still around as a back-up plan If you take her back---she will figure you will take her back again and again, and she will cheat again---so why not try to keep you, and then cheat when she wants---as you said she still has away trips planned, so she can see other men You need to move on---and do a good hard 180---no lovey--dovey--no support---not anything---she chose to cheat---I.E. she made her bed--let her sleep in it---eventually you will meet a nice woman, who won't cheat and you will grow old together-----and story be told your XGF--will move from one loser to the next, and probably never have happiness again----in her case the grass is not greener--it is a dirty shade of brown----stand tall
sammyd Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Hey Lance, How are you doing today? Hope you're ok. How's your son doing? Hope you've had some better news today:)
Author Lance22 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Sammy - I've had no BAD news today so in a way thats good news for me. However the day is not over yet! Things are sinking in gradually and my head is slowly stopping its spinning. There is still a lot to work out but I'm gradually getting started taking care of things. tx for your thoughts.
sammyd Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 No news is good news as they say!! And that certainly seems true eh! lol Glad you're not having too bad a day:) Onwards and upwards!
Author Lance22 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Back to the counceler tomorrow.. I've begun the legal bits for the split. g/f now becoming desperate to stay together, willing to do anything. I plan to discuss all this tomorrow w/ counceler, I've never looked forward to a meeting with a counceler so much before. I think she's finally realised how serious the situation is and how much it will affect her lifestyle. Although I want everything resolved immediately I know it's going to have to be step by step and take a while which is frustrating. Finding housing, moving, costs involved etc, etc. In my situation it seems the best housing solution for them is to jointly buy a flat with my portion of the equity reverting back to me when daughter leaves school. Of course that needs to be done in a legally enforceable manner but is better than throwing money down the drain on rent. Anyone else in this situation should consider it. Both our solicitors suggested this. This is in the UK, don't know how it works elsewhere.
Binster Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I dont know the legal in's and out's Lance but I would say leave her to sink or swim it's not your problem, if she cant afford a place there's always the council waiting list. Tough luck.
Author Lance22 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 Binster - wish it was that easy but there is a child involved who I have a obligation (and want to honour) to which slightly complicates things. Still it's a lot better than if we were married. I'll keep you all posted.
woinlove Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Binster - wish it was that easy but there is a child involved who I have a obligation (and want to honour) to which slightly complicates things. Still it's a lot better than if we were married. I'll keep you all posted. You're doing the right thing. You'll never regret making sure a child is well taken care of, no matter how messed up the other parent is.
sammyd Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Sounds like you're doing the right thing Lance, and like you say step by step. Hope the meeting with the counsillor went ok. Take care.
Author Lance22 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Posted February 19, 2011 Hi - went to the councillor, and as anyone who has gone knows they won't tell you what to do but simply guide you towards finding your own answer which lies within. g/f and I have gone through all the finanaces and proved to her she can make it on her own. Now that she realises this it will be interesting to see what she says. As I write shes looking at apartments online. It seems we can work most things out amicably which is good for our daughter. The weight is slowly lifting, been through shock, denial, wanting the past back and now acceptance. I think she now knows it's over, but I guess thats what she originally wanted that anyway, given her actions which were unforgivable. btw my son is doing better, on meds and taking a semester off. He will be ok in the end. Hopefully this is the bad ending to a good new beginning fingers crossed.
sammyd Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 That's great new Lance. If you can sort it out amicably, that can only be a good thing. At least the ball is rolling. If it's amicable, surely it's quicker too and less stressful! So pleased to hear your son is doing better. What a relief for you:) Here's to new beginnings!
Author Lance22 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Went to look for a new house/flat today. I felt so depressed realising the finality of it. I've found a couple of promising things but it feels weird to think of living on my own again. Maybe a playboy bunny will live next door?
ComputerJock Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 Better yet, nympo sisters with a well stocked liquor cabinet. Hang in there, it will get better...from my own experience.
2long Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Lance: I just got through the whole thread, and something struck me about her behavior 2ward you. Considering how long you've been 2gether, she doesn't seem remorseful enough 2 me that this is likely 2 have been a 'recent' change in her. My W had an 11-yr affair that I didn't discover until over 9 years ago. And because it lasted so long (she never left, and he lived 2 states away most of the 11 years), it 2k her years 2 really show true remorse, versus upset for having been caught. It seems more likely 2 me that this has been a lifestyle of your gf's for most of your relationship, or her desires for working on the relationship with you would be combined with a willingness 2 cut off contact with the OMs immediately and permanently - not her telling you she's got another weekend planned and she's not canceling! It 2k me years 2 come 2 recognize that the signs that something was wrong started a long time before I found the emails, but I got there and it's kind of embarrassing looking back and seeing the signs for what they were, knowing how oblivious I was at the time. -ol' 2long Edited February 24, 2011 by 2long
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