Whatshername Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I commend you Lance. It is very difficult to see things in black and white whenever your heart is breaking. Plus, knowing how it will affect your daughter. I had already made my decision, but you have given me extra proof why I need to stay NC and let him go. There are many good books available, to help you learn, about yourself and how to heal (which helps pass time constructively, instead of thinking about "things".) I know you will have to see her, etc because of your daughter, so you have to be strong and steadfast. I applaud your really taking the time to do this right and be soft and firm, and not harsh and angry. I can see where I messed up in the past, not standing up for myself and allowing things I really did not agree with. I hate it that I let things get to the point they did before really putting my foot down, but at least I did. So did you. I am also divorced, and you are really right about your daughter. it is better for her to be loved by both parents separately, than to be in the middle where neither are functioning in a way to set an example of what marriage is, and surrounded by emotional turmoil. You also can only do your half.....and may God bless your efforts and your life Lance. One day at a time.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 We went to the counceler yesterday and I told gf it was finished because what she did was unforgivable. She sat there stoney faced with no emotion what so ever. We were at home last night and trying to work out the best way to get her out of the house asap. There was no anger, no shouting or screaming no begging me to take her back it was surreal. So I think in her mind the relationship was over a long time ago and that justified her actions. I wish she had the decency to tell me before causing this train wreck. We have not told our daughter yet and the counciler suggested we wait a few days until we had more details worked out. I feel like I have a new lease on life and a weight has been lifted. There is a small part of me that wishes, not wants, but wishes it could have been worked out but I suppose that will fade with time. At the moment I'm struggling to see how I can ever have a relationship again, part of me has been destroyed. I've decided to buy a new car to treat myself because I deserve something good for ME at the moment. I cannot thank everyone enough for all the help, advice and support through the worst time of my life. I will come back here and try to help others going through the same.
sammyd Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Hey Lance, Good for you, that must feel like a huge weight's been lifted. It takes a lot of courage, and that's a huge step forward for you:) I wouldn't even be thinking about other relationships yet. One step at a time, (and you've just taken a big one:). You're absolutely right, and now you have to think of yourself and your daughter. It's still going to be hard for a while, and keep coming and posting here when u feel the need to spout! Take care, and have a good weekend:)
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 We went to the counceler yesterday and I told gf it was finished because what she did was unforgivable. She sat there stoney faced with no emotion what so ever. We were at home last night and trying to work out the best way to get her out of the house asap. There was no anger, no shouting or screaming no begging me to take her back it was surreal. So I think in her mind the relationship was over a long time ago and that justified her actions. I wish she had the decency to tell me before causing this train wreck. We have not told our daughter yet and the counciler suggested we wait a few days until we had more details worked out. I feel like I have a new lease on life and a weight has been lifted. There is a small part of me that wishes, not wants, but wishes it could have been worked out but I suppose that will fade with time. At the moment I'm struggling to see how I can ever have a relationship again, part of me has been destroyed. I've decided to buy a new car to treat myself because I deserve something good for ME at the moment. I cannot thank everyone enough for all the help, advice and support through the worst time of my life. I will come back here and try to help others going through the same. You made the right decision, because if your gf had wanted to reconcile that would have been a strong wake-up call to her. It wasn't a wake-up call to her, and you can't have a good R unless both people are fully in it. You acted with integrity, making the decision that had to be made. Sounds like your gf would have just had the 2 of you live in limbo-hell if it was left up to her. You will heal, but it will take time. It takes time just because you are a loving, caring person who has been badly hurt by the one your loved and trusted, and all your feelings don't immediately turn off even after you know there is no hope and you make the right decision. But you will heal and be ready to love again and you can be even happier. Don't rush it. As sammy says, it is too early to be thinking of new relationships. Right now, focus on making the transition, on taking care of yourself and your daughter.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Hi again and thanks. I'm not thinking about any other relationships at the moment in fact it's the furthest thing from my mind. I simply feel that it will be impossible to trust anyone again and that I cannot bear the emotional investment being destroyed again in this fashion. I guess time will heal all wounds but it still feels raw.
sammyd Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Yep, that's perfectly natural, and it will feel raw for a longgg time. Now for the good bit. . . . it will get better, and the hurt will ease with time.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Sammy will you marry me! hahahahaha. But seriously you have been so helpful, caring and wonderful. you're a star.
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Hi again and thanks. I'm not thinking about any other relationships at the moment in fact it's the furthest thing from my mind. I simply feel that it will be impossible to trust anyone again and that I cannot bear the emotional investment being destroyed again in this fashion. I guess time will heal all wounds but it still feels raw. You can trust again if you allow yourself to heal. Some people are broken, or become broken, and perhaps there is nothing one can do to maintain a healthy and trusting relationship with them. However, in general, I think open communication, that both partners really work at - always sharing their goals, dreams, worries, attractions, distractions, ... with each other, goes a long way toward maintaining a trusting relationship. The nice thing is that is something under our control. I don't mean to suggest that anything you could have done would have prevented the cheating, because I think each person is responsible for their own actions and behavior. However, there might be things you can learn from this experience that will help either recognize better who is capable of maintaining a lasting, loving relationship or how to keep the intimacy and closeness that makes a relationship solid. I think, in general, when one goes through a crisis like this it is useful to have counselling to make sure you come out confident and strong.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Woinlove - We had that for many years and I guess thats what made the ultimate blowup so painful. I really believed we would grow old and happy together and it's been shredded in front of my face. I know I will get through this now but even though I feel better today I can tell it will be so tough. I'm planning to go back to the councelor on my own because I need to understand my feelings better. Having been divorced before with a child I understand that it is difficult for children to speak to either parent about their feelings for fear of betraying the other parent so I hope my daughter will be able to speak to a counciler at least once about how she feels as well.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 gf now acting contrite, hugging and wanting to kiss and make up. I know I can't do it but it's familiar and feels good. I'm not too tempted but it's messing with my head again. HELP!
FryFish Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Either be a GOOD GUY and dont let her... Or be a bad guy and get some head before she goes... Either way will make you feel good and bad at the same time.
woinlove Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 gf now acting contrite, hugging and wanting to kiss and make up. I know I can't do it but it's familiar and feels good. I'm not too tempted but it's messing with my head again. HELP! So, she is realizing what she has to lose and doesn't want to let go. But, remember, she has done nothing to show that she wants just you, to be committed to you and your daughter, and be faithful and trustworthy. What she has shown is that she wants both you and her other men. Don't let her mess with your head. Keep reminding yourself what her actions have done to you and what they show about her trustworthiness. She may be very affectionate with you now, but next weekend she could be showing the same affection to some other man. She has done nothing to show otherwise.
Author Lance22 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 thx woinlove for the good advice. i guess i'm still not off the rollcoaster as much as i would like to be and she's trying to put me back on it. hugging her felt great, like the old days but they are gone now, I'lm having a hard time letting them go. So I guess I've gone from the -what do i do rollercoaster- to the - oh crap it's over and how do i feel now rollercoaster- what everone else has said is correct, this will take time. I don't want to be me right now.
fooled once Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Lance, You have really handled this in a very 'classy' way. Too bad cheaters can't show the same kind of class. Their thoughts are selfish and self centered - sneaking around, lying, etc. Be proud of who you are. Your daughter will be proud of how you have conducted yourself. She may have some curt words for her mom - and while she needs to stay respectful, she should also not be told to just ignore her feelings or not to express them. What her mother did to you was horrendous and disgusting - especially the lack of protection! Cervix bleeding is common in many women - I had this issue previously - once it was due to the man I was intimate with hitting my cervix with his penis and the other time it wa because I was pregnant. Keep focusing on you. Keep focusing on your daughter. You can forgive your G/F, but that doesn't mean you accept what she has done or think it is okay. Letting hate or anger go is best for you; but it may take time. I think a new car is a great gift to yourself What kind are you getting?
Author Lance22 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Fooled once - thank you. I don't feel very classy at the moment but have tried to be reasonable. I'm actually a nice guy and am feeling at the moment that I'm too nice and should be more of a jerk, I just don't have it in me now. Possibly the anger will come later but now it feels like someone has died, maybe thats part of me. As for the car was thinking about a Porsche but I had one once and it was disappointing so I'm going for a VW Scirocco because I like the way it looks. I still wish there was a rewind button on life because this is so not what I wanted but I could not live my life with any respect if I carried on with her. I feel better for making the decision to split but also worse at the same time, don't know if that makes any sense. This sucks.
Author Lance22 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Ok, bought a new car today and it feels better somehow. At least the car won't run off with the first thing it finds attractive or indeed anything that will sleep with it. Still soooooooo painful but the finality is settling in. I stilll cannot understand why she did it and she cannot give a rational reason. If I can understand something I can at least accept it even if its unforgivable but I cannot understand this. Our daughter knows something bad is up and stuck in limbo so we will tell her on Weds. It will be so hard on her. At least we both love her. gf and I still sleeping in the same bed I guess because it's familiar after 16 yrs but nothing else is going on. It's so hard to let go.
Bryanp Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Lance, This is B.S. that she did not know why she did it. She did it because she wanted to do it and was willing to risk destroying your relationship in the process. Did someone put a gun to her head forcing her to do this? She knew what would probably happen when you found out. It was her choice and she wanted to do what she wanted to do. What more do you need to know?
Author Lance22 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Bryan - she did destroy the relationship and I guess you are right, she did it because she wanted to. It's all over but I seem unable to get pissed off about it, I'm just trying to deal with my own pain. Before this happened if you asked me what my reaction would be I would say I'd smash the house up, but thats not how I've felt at all and it has surprised me. I suppose I just don't understand why she wanted to because she had everything she could possibly want.
woinlove Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Bryan - she did destroy the relationship and I guess you are right, she did it because she wanted to. It's all over but I seem unable to get pissed off about it, I'm just trying to deal with my own pain. Before this happened if you asked me what my reaction would be I would say I'd smash the house up, but thats not how I've felt at all and it has surprised me. I suppose I just don't understand why she wanted to because she had everything she could possibly want. Some people have everything they want, but they take it for granted, and think they can do what they want without giving up anything. Perhaps your gf has always had a selfish and dishonest side or perhaps she took things for granted to such an extent that it made her selfish and dishonest.
Author Lance22 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 (edited) She went for legal advice this morning and I think finally reliased what a weak position she is in. No rights to the house, cash or anything else. Of course she has full rights to our daughter and I have none and understand that. So it's money for love. Now she's saying please don't leave me - but hang on, she left me by doing what she did. Sorry to keep going on about this but it's like a record that keeps skipping it's track over and over. I live in the UK and thats the way it works here if you are unmarried. Edited February 8, 2011 by Lance22
sammyd Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Hi Lance, Hope you're doing ok. I'm afraid, yep, she probably will try and get back now, but that's not to do with you, it's to do with the fact she will lose everything else! Be careful not to fall for it. "gf and I still sleeping in the same bed I guess because it's familiar after 16 yrs but nothing else is going on. It's so hard to let go. " If you're broken up, why are you sleeping in the same bed? This will make her think she can still walk over you. Again, beware. If the relationship is over, as you say it it, this can't continue, and will just make you feel worse. You'll go through sadness first, the anger part will probably come afterwards. If you're lucky, it won't. Take care of yourself:)
PegNosePete Posted February 8, 2011 Posted February 8, 2011 You have taken legal advice of your own right? Don't trust advice that she tells you... it will be given to her with her interests in mind. You do have access rights as the father. Yes being unmarried is an advantage for you at the moment... but they are trying to change that! It's quite ridiculous really because choosing not to get married is the only way you can keep your own affairs separate. They are trying to remove that choice. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1353117/Top-judge-Sir-Nicholas-Wall-Give-cohabitees-rights-married-couples.html
Author Lance22 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Yes I have taken my own legal advice several times. The way it works here is that if you are unmarried then I keep everything owned in my name, there is no split financially. So basically I keep everything. The downside is I have absolutley not rights over my child. There are agreements we can reach and sign to recifiy that and so far she is not using the child as a bargaining chip. So fingers crossed we can work out the best for our daughter who is the most important person in all this.
PegNosePete Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I find it hard to believe that you have no access rights to your child. If a solicitor has told you this then I think you need a new solicitor! If your ex will not agree reasonable contact, or uses contact as a blackmailing tool, then you can almost certainly apply for a Contact Order or even a Residence Order. Here's some sites that may be helpful: http://www.separateddads.co.uk/YourRightsAsASeparatedFather.html http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/the-children-act-1989
Author Lance22 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Havent posted for a few days. More bad news I'm afraid. Where do I start? Ok today we sat down and talked again civilly and decided there are only 3 options, try to make a go of it, trial separation or split. She's been saying for the last few days lets make it up and then changing her mind back and forth between the three options, I could not agree. I asked her if she had to make a decision now what would she do, she answered trial separation so to me thats slowmotion split up. So it really is over well and truely. It's hard to give up the time we've had together but must be done. Still it gets better, I got done for drink driving last week (really stupid, never drive when upset and unsure how much you've drunk, I'm ashamed of myself) and will lose my licensce, luckily I've got good public transport and trains nearby however to make matters even worse my son,who is 20 and lives in america, from my first marraige just tried to kill himself, he knows nothing about any of the issues i've discussed here so it's separate. I called my gp and she was gobsmacked at how bad my luck is at the moment, it's killing me at the moment all together.
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