Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I'd like to ask the forum for some advice as there seems to be a lot of experience here. Here's the story. My partner and I have been together for 16 yrs. Over the past yr or 2 things have been getting a little rocky. Recently I got that "feeling" that something was not right and so did the usual snooping around (I felt bad about that). It turns out the gf has been cheating. She spent w/e's away twice with an X both times saying she was visiting family. She says nothing happened because he couldn't get it up and I know he does have health issues. She then said she was going to jury duty and met another X from many years ago and had unprotected sex. Finally 10 days after that she spent the weekend with a guy she met on the internet and had protected sex. I am aware that in her youth she confused sex with affection and has low self esteem. I don't think she did this out of emotional attachment but rather a craving for attention and confusing sex for attention. We are in counceling at the moment and I am very much on the "rollercoaster". We are not married but do have a 13 yr old daughter. My first reaction was to run a mile and I put the house on the mkt which is soley in my name. This has all come about in the last two weeks. I'm leaning towards splitting but she wants to stay together and work it out. So the question is this, am I nuts to even consider staying together? And another for the women out there-can you explain why she did this? I'm worried I can never trust her again and thats no way to have a relationship but also feel incapable of making a rational decision at the moment.
love4me2c Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 First let me express my sorrow at hearing your story. What I have found is there are two types of people, those that can forgive, go to counseling, and move on and those who can't. I couldn't get over it and left my husband in Oct. of last year. I don't regret it a bit. I also have two children. I have to ask, what caused the relationship to be rocky in the last two years?
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Well yes you may be nuts. Personally I would run a mile from a serial cheater like that. She is not capable of being faithful. She has put your life at risk from STDs. If you really want to work things out then you need to lay down the law. What is she doing to regain your trust? What consequences is she facing for her actions? What assurance do you have that she won't do it again? And another for the women out there-can you explain why she did this? I am not a woman but I can explain why she did it. She did it because she wanted to. She did it multiple times. She chose to do it because that is what she wanted to do. There is no more reason. If she tries to blame you for her actions then she is simply blame-shifting. SHE did it, and SHE has to take responsibility. If she does not then reconciliation will never work out.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 (edited) Well to answer the question about rocky, just the normal stuff after 16 years, taking each other for granted, bickering over silly things. She said she felt trapped but I never stopped her from doing anything or complained when she needed me time. I think you hit the nail on the head about deciding if I can forgive and I;m not sure I can but gosh all this really is painful. And to PegNosePete, I guess I'm after an equal partner and not someone I have to lay down the law with so that goes someway towards answering my question. Thanks. PS and she is doing the blame shifting thing. Edited February 3, 2011 by Lance22
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Laying down the law may only be a short term thing. Short term meaning, 2 years or so. She has betrayed your trust and disrespected you in the worst way, not to mention put your health at risk. So if you want to work things out you will have to lay down some pretty strict rules, and she will have to behave like a saint. After that you should learn to trust her again, but it will never be the same as before. You will never be "equal" because of what she has done. You might forgive but you can never forget. But like I said, cheating 4 times, I'd be straight out the door (or rather, she would). Do not pass go, do not collect £200.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 There is one other thing I forgot to mention. I asked her as a starting point if she would cut all ties and contact with these people and she did not want to, said that I shouldn't tell her who her friends should be. I guess that may be the final nail in the coffin. Even if she agreed I would never know if she was in contact or not. I do not think she's done this before with me but it's been in such a spectacular fashion that it's unbelieveable. I think Facebook and mobile phones must have been the death of many a relationship.
sammyd Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hey Lance, really sorry to hear about your relationship. For me personally, i was with a guy for 8 yrs and he cheated on me for 3 months with the same woman. I did the whole i'll try and forgive you, because i still loved him (sad i know), but, i couldn't. From my experience, i have learned i will never be able to forgive a cheater. It make me miserable and to be honest, nearly destroyed me. You will never forget it. The fact that it wasn't just one guy, but several, i think, makes your situation worse. Maybe you are one of these people that can move on from it. Maybe not. Only you know that part. At least your 13 yr old daughter is at an age where she can understand. It will be hard whichever you decide, but i wish you the very best in the choice you make (just make sure that choice is yours, not your partners).
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Yes you're right, rule number one would be, you do not communicate with any of these guys ever again. And rule number two would be, you DO NOT communicate with any of these guys ever again! Rule 3 would be, you have access to her email, phone, IM, whenever you want it, she will have no privacy at all, so that you can check rule no. 1 is being followed. Rule 4 would be, she takes 100% responsibility for her actions. You can take some of the blame for your relationship problems if you like... 50% is normal, since she is equally responsible for the lack of communication, taking for granted, bickering etc. You are both equally responsible for that. But for her cheating, you take 0% responsibility. That was her choice and her choice alone. You didn't "drive" her to it. She did it because she wanted to. She chose those actions instead of talking to you. You absolutely SHOULD be telling her who her friends can be, because her judgement / boundaries obviously can't be trusted!!!
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 (edited) I know you are right but there are two problems with that. Firstly knowing her she will totally resent me for that and secondly that is not the type of relationship I want. I wish I could turn back time but thats impossible. Things were good for many years and I'm pinning to get that back but I'm beginning to think it's completely impossible. And why on earth is she saying she wants to work things out after what she's done? I feel like a flipping doormat. Edited February 3, 2011 by Lance22
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Firstly knowing her she will totally resent me for that She has no right to resent you. She caused the problem by banging other guys. Everything that happens now, is a consequence of her actions. If she is not prepared to face those consequences then she is not committed to making it work. secondly that is not the type of relationship I want. Yeah, but if you want it to work long term then it's how it has to be short term. If you just let her get away scot free then she'll just do it again, and you will be a doormat. And why on earth is she saying she wants to work things out after what she's done? I feel like a flipping doormat. Good that you feel like a doormat. I'm not saying what has happened is good, of course it's not! But it's good that you identify the doormat feeling. If you take her back without consequences then that is exactly what you will be. Whether you take her back or kick her out, make sure you do it from a position of strength, not fear. There are many reasons she wants to work things out. She's got a stable home. You support her both financially and emotionally. But, if she is not 100% committed to working it out, she'll just be on the lookout for her next conquest.
Fight4Me Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 There is one other thing I forgot to mention. I asked her as a starting point if she would cut all ties and contact with these people and she did not want to, said that I shouldn't tell her who her friends should be. I guess that may be the final nail in the coffin. Even if she agreed I would never know if she was in contact or not. I do not think she's done this before with me but it's been in such a spectacular fashion that it's unbelieveable. I think Facebook and mobile phones must have been the death of many a relationship. Are you saying that AFTER her infidelity was revealed, she still refused to cut ties with these men? If that's the case, not only is she unremorseful, but she's crapping all over you again. Since the house is in your name, evict her and seek custody of your daughter. I'm a woman, and there is something terribly wrong with that level of behavior. She would need to get some intense counseling, not only for her sake, but for that of your daughter. She must FIX herself before she even be considered a safe bet again. For the record, I'm pro-reconciliation as my fWH and I have successfully reconciled, but this does not look good. Be sure to get counseling yourself and see a doctor about possible meds if necessary just to get you through the worst of it so you can think clearly. If she can come back to you remorseful and whole, only then would there even be a chance, and even then, there is an immense amount of healing to be done. Separating yourselves is a healthy first step.
thomasb Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I know you are right but there are two problems with that. Firstly knowing her she will totally resent me for that and secondly that is not the type of relationship I want. I wish I could turn back time but thats impossible. Things were good for many years and I'm pinning to get that back but I'm beginning to think it's completely impossible. And why on earth is she saying she wants to work things out after what she's done? I feel like a flipping doormat. Lance sorry about how you are feeling. First off. Yes, you can regain what you had in time. But, she has to do the work to get there. Counselling and discovery of why she felt the right to do this to you. And she has to understand that this was her fault and NONE of yours. You may have had problems in your prior relationship. But, it was her choice to cheat rather than address these problems. Until she can figure out why she ran instead of facing her problems there can be no recovery. And if for one second she justifies or rationalizes you have to smack that attitude right down. YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DECISION TO CHEAT.
sammyd Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hi Lance, sorry just read your new info about her not wanting to give up her 'friends'. In light of that, i think i would finish it. She clearly has no intention of stopping her behaviour, or of attempting to save your relationship. This kind of relationship will be miserable for you if you carry on with it. You deserve better than that after the way she's treated you. If you have any self preservation, and self esteem left, i would urge you get out whilst u can! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but to not give up her male 'friends' in this situation is extremely selfish, and unacceptable.
Fight4Me Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 By the way, everyone who has been betrayed goes through an initial phase where you just want to turn back time, to make the pain go away. This is the bargaining part of the grieving process, and it will pass. Eventually, you will become grateful that you found out when you did and were able to become the master of your own destiny. I am so sorry. This is, by far, the greatest pain one can endure (short of losing a child). But you can get past it and become better for it. For now, just take it one day at a time. Be sure to eat, drink water, and get in some exercise. That may sound stupid, but we often neglect our health during this time which only worsens the grief and feelings of helplessness. We're here for you, for what it's worth. (((hugs)))
PegNosePete Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Also be glad you didn't marry her. If you had, she would be kicking you out of your home.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you everyone for your support. I know everyone must follow their own path of reconciliation or split and the last week or two has been spent agonising over which I would do. I've felt all along that if it was a one off, drunken night at the pub or just a case of bad judgement once I would be able to forgive and trust in time, however the scale of this as pointed out by several posters plus the health risks posed plus the unrepentance is making me realise that I'm living in a dream world if I think we can work it out. I don't want to be wondering what shes up to when shes out or away or I'm away for the rest of my life. I think my brain is finally getting through with the message my heart didn't want to hear.
sammyd Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 ((Hugs)) to you as well Lance, tough times ahead, but, you'll get through it:) Like it's been said before, there's a lot of people here for support, whichever u chose for yourself:)
Fight4Me Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you everyone for your support. I know everyone must follow their own path of reconciliation or split and the last week or two has been spent agonising over which I would do. I've felt all along that if it was a one off, drunken night at the pub or just a case of bad judgement once I would be able to forgive and trust in time, however the scale of this as pointed out by several posters plus the health risks posed plus the unrepentance is making me realise that I'm living in a dream world if I think we can work it out. I don't want to be wondering what shes up to when shes out or away or I'm away for the rest of my life. I think my brain is finally getting through with the message my heart didn't want to hear. Yes, the scale and magnitude, including the blatant lack of remorse is the crux of the issue here. She not only doesn't "get it," but she doesn't WANT to. Your heart is broken, and I know it feels like it will never heal, but it will, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Keep your focus on your daughter. A mother who would engage in such destructive behavior is not fit. At 13, your daughter could end up being exposed to some real scum bags, and I would do everything in my power to shield her from that. Speak to a lawyer right away (without your SO knowing) to determine your rights in your state. If you stay in your home where she has been growing up, that shows stability. Again, I'm really really sorry.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Ok, one other thing I forgot to mention earlier. Before she left for her last w/e away she had a huge outburst insulting me in every way possible, I won't go into details but I was shocked and didn't even know what to say. Then she was off the next day for her dirty w/e. I don't understand what that was about and I don't understand how she can say what she did and then under a month later say she wants to get back together and she feels differently about me. Was the outburst some way to make her feel less guilty?
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 It sounds like she may have almost rebelling to punish you for not marrying her after 16 years. NOT that there's ever a justificiation for cheating, but it may be WHY she did it. I'd run far, far away. She's a serial cheater and I doubt she'll ever stop.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Dude you need to run for the hills. Only have contact with her if it concerns your child. She's acting immature and keeps disrespecting your relationship. Find someone better.
Binster Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Sorry mate but this is too big to forgive, she's trying it on. If she wanted to stay together she'd be really working on things she is'nt. and simply put your going to have to stand up and take control. Get some legal advice fast to see where you stand with the house and her leaving it. Get legal advice about your daughter custody and financial arangements for her. Seperate all finances, credit cards and savings etc. Start puting cash somewhere safe - just in case. You will get back to those happy days, just gonna be with someone else.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Got the legal advice. She can't touch any of my assets and everything is in my name, so finances are not the issue. Of course I have an obligation to my daughter which I will happily honour. We have a coucelling mtg on Saturday and I will tell her then that it's over so there is a third party to help manage the fallout. It's really helped to get feedback here to open my eyes to how bad things are. Sometimes you just want to bury you head in the sand to how bad things are. For the older readers here it reminds me of the Alan Parsons lyrics from eye in the sky, "The sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believeing".
reservoirdog1 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You're doing the right thing, in my view. If her reasons for cheating are as you believe them to be, then it sounds like it'll happen again in the future, with her exposing you further to the risk of disease. And whatever her reasons were, another poster made this point well: she CHOSE to cheat on you repeatedly. Nobody had a gun to her head. It sucks that you have 16 years invested in your relationship with her. But that's no reason, on its own, to stay.
Author Lance22 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 It will be difficult to keep this to myself until Sat but I really believe thats for the best. And yes now after days of mulling it over I've been moving slowly to this decision anyway before I came here. In some ways I guess it will be a relief once it is over but until then it's gonna be hell. At least it's only 48 hrs or so until it's out in the open.
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