Fern Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 It was the 2 year anniversary of my exes Mother's death yesterday and I had a moment of weakness and emailed him this: Was just thinking about you today. Hope you're okay. Your Mum was the coolest Mum ever and I'll always be glad I got the chance to meet her. Fern. x I wasn't expecting or angling for a reply - I genuinely liked his Mum a lot and I was there for him through the whole saga of her diagnosis and eventual death. It just felt like a good thing to do to reach out, I sent similar sentiments to each of his siblings. I got up this morning and found this reply from him: Hi, Thanks for your email, It totally slipped my mind to tell you the truth, just home from practice with ****, been flat out rehearsing for recording with him this weekend. I hope you're doing ok Fern, been thinking lately that I owe you an apology. I never meant to hurt you and you were right, I was a complete coward and couldn't muster the b***s to face up to what was happening and be honest with you. I never didn't like you and I'm not happy about how things happened. I hope someday we can be friends again because you really were my best friend and I have so much to thank you for. I am really sorry for how I treated you, you never did a thing to deserve it. thank you for thinking bout my mum today. He signed off with my pet name for him. Which is kind of an offensive nickname. I feel... okay. Almost indifferent. :-D To be honest I wasn't even expecting a reply, so an apology and an acknowledgement that he behaved like a f***ing sh*theel is above and beyond. I'm not kidding myself it means anything more than that he isn't a complete sociopath and recognises that he treated me pretty badly and feels guilty after all my efforts. I'm not under the impression he's decided he lurves me again or anything - nor do I want him to, our relationship was horrible at the end. I'm far happier now. It is what it is. I'm not going to reply. I'm not ready to be friends just yet. I'm not angry at him anymore and I don't want to get back together and I suppose I WOULD like us to be friendly again eventually - even if it's just for the sake of mutual friends. But I'm not sure if I'm over the fact he's still with that other girl yet. It bothers me FAR less than it did, but it does still bother me. It's just my ego, but still. I don't owe him or her anything - my ego and I spend a lot of time together. If the NG wasn't still on the scene I think I'd find it easier to just forgive and forget. As it stands I'm not going to jump into acting like I'm okay with the fact he's with her when I'm pretty sure I'm not. Not yet. It still bothers me slightly. I'm not that keen on being his mate that I'm willing to put myself through having to pretend to be nice to her. Maybe in a few months. Anyway - progress, no?
D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 ...I wasn't even expecting a reply, so an apology and an acknowledgement that he behaved like a f***ing sh*theel is above and beyond. I'm not kidding myself it means anything more than that he isn't a complete sociopath and recognises that he treated me pretty badly and feels guilty after all my efforts... Anyway - progress, no? Fern, That was a nice email to send. I think a sincere apology, recognizing that he treated you badly, and showing that he's not a sociopath is pretty cool. When you broke up, did he turn into someone else? If so, did that cause you a lot of distress? I know with my break up, 80% of my pain was directly caused by the way in which he broke up with me, and his actions shortly before and after the break up. He apologized via email, which was like, meh. But, when I knew I could handle it, I called him and asked him all kinds of questions. I confirmed that he wasn't a sociopath, and that his acting like such an ********* was just his immature way of coping with hurting me. Until that day, I couldn't say whether he (1) was coping in an immature manner, (2) hated me out of the blue, (3) was having serious mental problems and/or possessed... It made me feel a lot better to hear that he knew he was an *********. That's the thing about NC - AND ALL NEWBIES + THOSE STILL PINING FOR YOUR EXS STOP READING THIS NOW - but when you truly do not want him back, I don't think breaking NC is all that bad if you have questions or something to say. I would never have started moving on had I not called him and gotten answers. Especially in your situation - he couldn't have hurt you more by not responding, because you didn't want a response. I guess it varies with each situation... Sorry about the novel. I'm going CRAZY I haven't left my house in DAYS!!! Good luck and congrats on your apology
Author Fern Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Fern, When you broke up, did he turn into someone else? If so, did that cause you a lot of distress? I know with my break up, 80% of my pain was directly caused by the way in which he broke up with me, and his actions shortly before and after the break up. He behaved with so little regard for my feelings that I was left reeling. He was CRAZY about this other girl and everything was about her. It was like he didn't care about me at all - even as a friend. He didn't even try to be discreet. It made me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. It was very painful. Getting to the stage I'm at now was, without doubt, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. That's the thing about NC - AND ALL NEWBIES + THOSE STILL PINING FOR YOUR EXS STOP READING THIS NOW - but when you truly do not want him back, I don't think breaking NC is all that bad if you have questions or something to say. I would never have started moving on had I not called him and gotten answers. Especially in your situation - he couldn't have hurt you more by not responding, because you didn't want a response. Exactly. And I'm not going to be drawn into extending our contact. That's it done. I'm not getting into a situation where I'm sitting about waiting for him to reply to my emails. I'm not his friend. Maybe I will be in the distant future but I'm moved on enough to know I can only set myself back by trying to be friends so soon. Nor am I sure I want him as a friend after how he behaved. Sorry about the novel. I'm going CRAZY I haven't left my house in DAYS!!! Good luck and congrats on your apology No problem. Thank you for replying.
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 This post got me thinking about those who re-connect with their exes and somehow establish an open communication but aren't friends. It's a little confusing. I've never had a relationship like that where I casually keep in touch with people and they're not people I consider "friends." Is it more in the interaction or my feeling? I can see where it can get confusing until someone just says "Fine, I'll just say friends. It's just easier to say." Is there a way to be aware of how to act around someone who you want to stay in touch with but don't want to be friends with? I've yet to learn this. I'm not sure how I'd react to any of my exes if they somehow re-connect with me. "Oh yeah, I know of him, but I don't really know who he is. He's just... a dude." Awkward.
Author Fern Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 This post got me thinking about those who re-connect with their exes and somehow establish an open communication but aren't friends. It's a little confusing. I've never had a relationship like that where I casually keep in touch with people and they're not people I consider "friends." Is it more in the interaction or my feeling? I can see where it can get confusing until someone just says "Fine, I'll just say friends. It's just easier to say." I don't imagine I'll be establishing any communication with him. I haven't, and don't intend to, reply to that email - so as far as he's concerned we're still not friends. There will be no communication - open or otherwise. I don't think there's any reason to be 'in communication' with an ex if you're not friends - unless you're after something else. Contact with him will only hurt me in the long run. When I don't care anymore I'll be capable of being friends but I doubt I'll want to, honestly. I don't trust him not to use and take advantage of even just my friendship. Is there a way to be aware of how to act around someone who you want to stay in touch with but don't want to be friends with? I've yet to learn this. Why would you want to stay in touch with someone you don't want to be friends with. It just suggests you're not over them. Let it go. Cut them loose. Why invite drama and ambivalence into your life? I'm not sure how I'd react to any of my exes if they somehow re-connect with me. "Oh yeah, I know of him, but I don't really know who he is. He's just... a dude." Awkward. With other exes, I have had contact, but I don't care anymore. They really ARE 'just a dude'. It's simple - just like it is with an acquaintance. It doesn't matter. Eventually this one won't matter either. I look forward to that day.
0hpenelope Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 ^ most of us are looking forward to that day, Fern. I prefer no seesaw stuff, too. It's really just interesting how some are able to do that sort of thing. "Yeah, we talk but we're not friends." I won't be able to stomach that, to be honest.
Author Fern Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 ^ most of us are looking forward to that day, Fern. I prefer no seesaw stuff, too. It's really just interesting how some are able to do that sort of thing. "Yeah, we talk but we're not friends." I won't be able to stomach that, to be honest. I'm with you on that. Why talk if you're not friends?
D78 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 He behaved with so little regard for my feelings that I was left reeling. He was CRAZY about this other girl and everything was about her. It was like he didn't care about me at all - even as a friend. He didn't even try to be discreet. It made me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. It was very painful. Getting to the stage I'm at now was, without doubt, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Gosh - my ex panicked and said a bunch of stupid things, but that's nothing compared to the way your ex treated you. I can see why it was so painful. My ex also acted like he didn't care about me at all, even as a friend. Sometimes I think the way he broke up with me caused the break up to be so much more painful than it had to be. It's a total mindf*@* to be loved on Friday and be nothing on Saturday. I understand that relationships end, but I couldn't understand why all the sudden I didn't matter. Do you think your recovery would be much easier if your ex had ended things when he checked out of the relationship; rather than remaining in the relationship, lying to you, and hooking up with the other girl? Or, is the pain the same, regardless of the method of breaking up?
Heatemyheart89 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) I'm uncomfortable with this because really by sending that apology he has just made himself feel better.I don't know why you would want to contact someone who hurt you no matter what the circumstances.I'm not sure thus is progress when you are still bothered by the other girl.Sorry it's just my opinion. Edited February 5, 2011 by Heatemyheart89
Author Fern Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Gosh - my ex panicked and said a bunch of stupid things, but that's nothing compared to the way your ex treated you. I can see why it was so painful. My ex also acted like he didn't care about me at all, even as a friend. Sometimes I think the way he broke up with me caused the break up to be so much more painful than it had to be. It's a total mindf*@* to be loved on Friday and be nothing on Saturday. I understand that relationships end, but I couldn't understand why all the sudden I didn't matter. Do you think your recovery would be much easier if your ex had ended things when he checked out of the relationship; rather than remaining in the relationship, lying to you, and hooking up with the other girl? Or, is the pain the same, regardless of the method of breaking up? Yes. The feeling of being 'replaced' of 'not being good enough' was by far the worst thing about the whole experience. If he'd ended things when he knew we had no future and then met someone new 6 months or a year later - I think I'd have dealt with that much better. We'd be friendly again now if he'd done that.
Author Fern Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 I'm uncomfortable with this because really by sending that apology he has just made himself feel better.I don't know why you would want to contact someone who hurt you no matter what the circumstances.I'm not sure thus is progress when you are still bothered by the other girl.Sorry it's just my opinion. You could very well be right. Only time will tell. I won't be contacting him again.
jquest1280 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Maybe in a few months. Anyway - progress, no? Fern (nice name), yes, yes, yesss! It's progress. That you sent him the message without expecting a reply.. that his reply didn't tickle you pink and make you want for more...that's all progress.
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