choatic_angel Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Okay; me and my ex were together for just under 4 years, we broke up 2 months ago. We're both adults ( I'm 22 and he's 23) we lived together for 2 years. We had a very loving relationship, and still love each other; however, due to many things like my insecurity about his ex considering we started talking while he and his ex were breaking up and I didn't know anything about it, the loss of two babies due to problem that runs in my family, and the fact that I got too close to a male friend of mine and kissed him. I told him immediately after the fact I felt horrible for it and I thought we'd get past it considering he flirted with his ex and etc point is I know we both we're childish and when we broke up I of course did all the wrong things and some of the right ones. We're talking and he occasionally visits but he was kinda upset that I wouldn't allow my little brother to see him because and as he says " He's gone from being my husband to a tool" I told him he made that decision and when he's ready to change his title let me know. The reason I didn't allow him to see my baby brother is because when we broke up He was really hurt by it, it's like he tried to latch on to anything that was still there that was my ex he came one day to me so happy saying he learned to spell my ex's name because he found a name tag he left and one night he came in so depressed and hid under the covers to tell me he missed him and ask when was he coming back. Me and my ex where kind of like surrogate parents for my little brother and it took a lot of talks to my little brother to get him okay with the fact that we're not together and I'm okay if I get hurt again but not him. Anyways, we were talking and my basic understanding is that he felt as though we were going in different directions and that he feels that I technically cheated on him, he even jokingly said maybe I should get another bf and cheat on a new guy with him to which I responded I couldn't think that cheaply of him. He keeps talking about how much better we're doing outside of each other which is funny because I started planning these "changes" before we broke up. I went to see him the other day and nearly fainted because I hadn't been well lately; I attempted to leave because I was embarrassed to be so "weak" in front of him; but he was hurt that I didn't want to be weak in front of him. Anyway to get him to chill I laid down and when I woke found out I'd be stuck there due to the blizzard. (lol ironic) he was a gentleman as always and we just did what we normally . this morning I woke and he was holding me He even suggested we go for an ice cream "date" this weekend. I realize that I hurt him, we hurt each other; but I really want to try to work things out between us. I just don't know if I'm being strung along till he's finally satisfied in some weird twisted way and if I should move on or if I should keep going with whats happening now it's hard to go from being so close to so unsure; scary even so I guess I'm asking should I just move on or keep trying all the while knowing there's a chance I'll get hurt?
D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 ...I guess I'm asking should I just move on or keep trying all the while knowing there's a chance I'll get hurt? I don't think anyone can answer this for you. It depends on whether the great times were worth the pain of the break up, I guess. It seems like he was probably more hurt than you, because you broke up after you kissed another guy. Are you saying that you think he might hurt you to get revenge? Also, if you still talk to the other guy, or if he is not willing to stop talking to his ex, what's the point of getting back together? The same problems that caused your break up would remain. Good luck.
Author choatic_angel Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I recently stopped talking to the other guy because I realize that he's childish and still playing childish games. The relationship me and my ex had was my literally first relationship, he was my first kiss, first date, etc although he doesn't know that. everything we came across was completely new to me I never thought I would/could be so insecure and he had me on a pedestal that I just felt like I would one day fall from, which I did and I hate for it, I have no idea if he talks to his ex although come to find out I'm actually best friends with her cousin who has informed me that she's getting married. I kind of know that the person who's been through this exact situation is rare but advice from someone who isnt as new to this whole dating thing would be greatly appreciated. It's funny how I thought if I waited till I graduate high school to date then everything would fall into to place and 3/4 of the way through it, it seems as though everything is fall apart.
D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Well, I'm not new to the dating thing, but new to the having my heart stomped on thing... It's good that you have stopped talking to the other guy. That's one problem down. And, since you know his ex is getting married, wouldn't that kinda solve that problem? (Also, married people tend to disappear from their friends at least at first, so he will probably talk to her less.) That leaves (1) your insecurity, (2) the losses both of you experienced together, and (3) his possible trust issues caused by you kissing the childish boy. #2 seems like something that might make you closer, not break you up. But, I've never been in that situation so I'm just guessing here. Do you think he can trust you again? It seems to me that he is open to at least being friends, if not more, because he asked you out on a date this weekend. What is it you are insecure about?
Author choatic_angel Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I don't know about him trusting me, he does seem to want to at least be friends and has made references to our past, on his visit to our old place he mentioned "that used to be my side of the bed", or " I had clothes in there but now..", that's when my lil brother came in and he made the comment about feeling like a tool; to which I replied "your title is as you choose it to be." I was insecure because I was so new. He was my first and only and I wasn't his and when I asked questions he answered them bluntly and openly. I was foolish in ways I need not have been. He would call me his goddess he thought so highly of me and I felt that because I could stand to such a title. I've been told I have a "cinderella" complex, in the since I work so hard to please other people to the point of not living myself ,but I made that choice fully of my own free will, I figured I could live as much as I wanted when I became an adult I, don't smoke,drink, use foul language, I teach Martial arts and go am going to school to learn medicine. I learned to be self sufficient when I was younger I can fix my own car, build just about anything, etc because the men in my family couldn't trusted to follow through on their word in anything. I just wanted him to understand that I'm just as human as him and I can make mistakes but thats not why I kissed that guy truthfully I still don't know what I was thinking to make that make sense. We were ying and yang in a sense because we were so different. I always had this fear that we were too perfect, that we were too happy. So stupid of me
D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 ...that's when my lil brother came in and he made the comment about feeling like a tool; to which I replied "your title is as you choose it to be." You're very thoughtful to protect your little brother like that. Many people your age wouldn't protect their younger siblings like that, much less act as surrogate parents to them. I guess you didn't tell him how upset he made your brother? It seems like if you told him, he would understand why he couldn't see your brother, ya know? ...I was insecure because I was so new. He was my first and only and I wasn't his and when I asked questions he answered them bluntly and openly. I was foolish in ways I need not have been. I get that. I felt the same in my first LTR. It seems like you already know it was unnecessary for you to be insecure. The insecurity of being new was probably multiplied by 100 by him putting you on a pedestal. No one can live up to perfection... and if you are so worried about pleasing others, it seems natural that it would lead to insecurity. ...I learned to be self sufficient when I was younger I can fix my own car, build just about anything, etc because the men in my family couldn't trusted to follow through on their word in anything. You seem much more mature than I was when my first LTR ended How much do you think the unreliability of other men in your life affected your relationship with your ex? And, most importantly, do you want a second chance? I can't tell if you're over it.
Author choatic_angel Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I can say that the men in my family really affected my thoughts of relationships, my father always had female friends that he couldn't let go of which made my mother highly insecure and other things happened between then that shaped my thoughts on men and women in relationship, I saw my eldest brother hit a girl he was talking to with his car and then later that day talk about having sex with her even though he has a baby mama, etc I've seen a lot of men dog the women around me and refused to even have to deal with men, But he never did that he always wanted to help but never knew how. When I say we were ying and yang i meant it, I was great around the house and he was better socially. I would love to get a second chance to work things out between us but knowing that he's still hanging on to what I did bothers me but I understand in a way, I and because I just want to fix it quickly so badly an I know there is no way to do that I'm going crazy about it.
D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You may not be able to fix it quickly, but unless I'm completely misinterpreting your post, he's giving you a chance to fix it. Maybe he understands how your view of men might have caused you to kiss Mr. childish? I dunno... it's a strange situation you got yourself in, chaotic
Author choatic_angel Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Yea I'm so lost as to what to actually do what steps to actually take toward working things out. This is seriously new territory for me and I'm getting advice left and right to just disappear out of his life then he'll come back, or just be there for him because he's going through somethings, etc and I'm just like how do they know if it will work or not and just frustrated and confused about it all.
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