A O Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have recommended therapy. Consistently. You can read up any of my past posts of OG's threads. Then your best course of action is to make this mindset (seeking help) your default setting rather than continually providing an outlet for OG to unload on. Ditto many others here. .
Kamille Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Then your best course of action is to make this mindset (seeking help) your default setting rather than continually providing an outlet for OG to unload on. Ditto many others here. . So you suggest we stop responding to her threads?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am really trying not do what I did in the past. In the past when something like this happened, I would act out and cancel the weekend plans just to "one up" him. I was SO tempted to do this. I didn't do anything crazy... As for why I kept texting him, HE initiated texting this morning and then when he said that he is busy, he asked me how was my day.. I also never sent anything but 1-1 texts. I am still not sure if he is losing interest and I am not sure if he will call tomorrow. I went out tonight with bff. I asked her to have few drinks with me and see the "Black Swan" last minute and luckily she was free. I was kind of annoyed by her. She is a psychologist and she was really tough with me I explained all this to her and she was like "snap out of this self-sabotaging s%it!!! what the f..., do you want to talk about interest levels 10 years from now? Enough already!!" She was never like this with me before My honest opinion is that she went a bit crazy herself since she started working with more severely mentally ill patients. Also, sometimes I need a friend and not a therapist. But anyway...I actually got some good advice in this thread. ...may the good lord have mercy on the men you date, OG. the others called it: via self-sabotage, you'll cause this (very, very normal) man to ultimatlely question his sanity, if he doesn't dump you first (or vise versa). I agree that you're no where near ready for a romantic, adult relationship. I've witnessed 19 year old kids behave more reasonably, with more well adjusted expectations of their partners. I wholeheartedly vote that you hire an independent counselor & get to the bottom of this madness, asap. to ignore considering such is to agree to continue wasting your own time, IMO. like some of the other posters here, I too benefitted greatly from IC. I highly reccomend you do the same...
A O Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 So you suggest we stop responding to her threads? I suggest people respond with "please seek professional help". I suggest this because the help she has been getting here for a long, long time now hasn't been beneficial to her, and to those who get close to her. .
Nixx Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 To piggyback off of Mme Chaucer, I have a policy to keep things as low drama as possible during an early relationship. I pretty much try to keep the activity and laughing to a maximum and the processing to a minimum. The process of developing intimacy is very slow so it's going to feel superficial in the beginning, but that's okay. Over time the seeds of attraction and interest take root and grow into love and deep caring. I read this earlier today and it popped back into my head. Super smart. I like this.
dispatch3d Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You guys are being dramatic. She's better than when she started. She had the common sense to come on here and say at one point "What would be a normal level headed thing to reply to that text with?" Mean she realizes she's a tard, realizes on the level she won't act on her silliness, but will instead seek help, take it, and act on it. Really, being self aware of your own feelings is the first+most important step in not acting ridiculous. Once you know those feelings are there, it's possible to identify them, and then eventually quell them. I'm glad your friend is finally calling you on your ****. I think she didn't call you on your **** before because you were so dramatic/emotional that it was better to just tell you what you needed to here so you'd chill the **** out than it was to tell you the truth. Now you're calm enough that people will actually tell you what you need to hear. God that is a lot of you's. Bothers me a little. Anyhow, You could let the boyfriend know sometimes you get insecure, through no fault of his. Something like that. And you're learning to get over that tendency, but sometimes he may wonder why you're acting the way you are, and that you just need some reassurance. That doesn't mean it's okay to freak out on him though. Don't be emotionally draining (its not okay on any level), add to his happiness instead.
t0ri Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Relax and ENJOY your new relationship more, over-analyze and stress much much less, OG! Why worry about something going away rather than enjoy it while it's here? Life is too short to live that way. Also, you seem very difficult to please! No boyfriend (or person) is going to act the exact way you'd hope they would... because they're not YOU, they're not mind-readers, and they're not perfect. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I wish you luck with your new relationship!
sb129 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I went out tonight with bff. I asked her to have few drinks with me and see the "Black Swan" last minute and luckily she was free. I was kind of annoyed by her. She is a psychologist and she was really tough with me I explained all this to her and she was like "snap out of this self-sabotaging s%it!!! what the f..., do you want to talk about interest levels 10 years from now? Enough already!!" She was never like this with me before My honest opinion is that she went a bit crazy herself since she started working with more severely mentally ill patients. Also, sometimes I need a friend and not a therapist. But anyway...I actually got some good advice in this thread. Thanks for acknowledging the advice you get here OG. Your BFF sounds like someone worth listening to IMO. Perhaps she was a little abrasive, but the general message was the same as what nearly everyone else on here is saying. Stop trying to control him. He'll run. Stop overthinking things. You'll drive yourself nuts. Now you get to choose: Do I push him away with my neediness and insecurity, or do I live my life and let him live his and see if we can mesh our lives together? This is great. I hope you will take some of the great advice offered to you on this thread. If you will notice, almost all of it is in the same vein, with different styles of delivery. There is no relationship possible that can survive, much less blossom and thrive, in this kind of condition. Do you understand that? It's not too late at all, though, IF you really want to be in a RELATIONSHIP with THIS guy. A RELATIONSHIP. This does not mean an environment where all of your needs for validation are met 100% at all times and at any cost. It just does NOT mean that. An intimate relationship is a place where both people have equal rights to be exactly who they are, to get to know one another, to share a lot of things together, to decide where and how they are going to establish personal and private space within the relationship, to learn to accept the waxing and waning of intensity, attention, excitement, distance that are inherent in interpersonal relationships. And a lot more. Is this what you are interested in having? Are you interested in having it with THIS GUY, as he really is as a person? If you are, are you willing and able to step away from your own patterns? To listen to what other people tell you and acknowledge that you might be terribly wrong? (Since you reach out to other people extremely frequently) Or, maybe, did this guy just fit into your picture because he looks a certain way and behaved like he was absolutely 100% "into you"? Please, please give this some thought. You guys are being dramatic. She's better than when she started. She had the common sense to come on here and say at one point "What would be a normal level headed thing to reply to that text with?" Mean she realizes she's a tard, realizes on the level she won't act on her silliness, but will instead seek help, take it, and act on it. Really, being self aware of your own feelings is the first+most important step in not acting ridiculous. Once you know those feelings are there, it's possible to identify them, and then eventually quell them. I'm glad your friend is finally calling you on your ****. I think she didn't call you on your **** before because you were so dramatic/emotional that it was better to just tell you what you needed to here so you'd chill the **** out than it was to tell you the truth. Now you're calm enough that people will actually tell you what you need to hear. God that is a lot of you's. Bothers me a little. Anyhow, You could let the boyfriend know sometimes you get insecure, through no fault of his. Something like that. And you're learning to get over that tendency, but sometimes he may wonder why you're acting the way you are, and that you just need some reassurance. That doesn't mean it's okay to freak out on him though. Don't be emotionally draining (its not okay on any level), add to his happiness instead. MC, I really love your posts. I wish I had had you around a few years back. OG- I think someone mentioned telling your BF that you have insecurities as a result of bad previous experiences. This could be a good idea. I remember doing it early in my R with my H. Once he knew how badly I had been hurt in the past, he was awesome at making sure I felt secure.
Els Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Well, this thread survived remarkably longer than I expected. Too bad even it is reaching its death throes already. I guess now I sort of do know why OG starts threads a dime a dozen.
Star Gazer Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I guess now I sort of do know why OG starts threads a dime a dozen. Why? I haven't figured it out yet...
SunsetRed Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I don't believe behavioral therapy will work for OG. That's not how my therapist handled me. She focused on how my thoughts came to be and how to change them. When I said I was feeling a certain way and wanted to act a certain way, she zeroed in on why I was feeling the way I was, and how and why I should see it differently. We never even had to focus on my actions because thoughts control actions, not the other way around. Ok, I am completely changing the original subject of this thread..but the info may be useful to all of us. Stargazer, I'm interested in learning more about cognitive therapy, which is basically changing your thoughts and thus your actions, right? Is it necessary to know why you think certain thoughts, or can you simply work on changing negative thoughts into positive ones? For this New Year, I reread The Secret and I am using the Law of Attraction to bring more abundance into my life. The Law of Attraction is based on the thoughts you think bring what you have, good or bad into your life. I am keeping a gratitude journal and everyday I try to think positive thoughts and I try to turn my negative, self pitying thoughts around. Is that enough, or do I have to go through the drama of revisiting my childhood to know where my negative thoughts came from?
Star Gazer Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Is it necessary to know why you think certain thoughts, or can you simply work on changing negative thoughts into positive ones? Is that enough, or do I have to go through the drama of revisiting my childhood to know where my negative thoughts came from? I think these are all questions only a licensed, trained psychologist can and should answer. But for me, in therapy I had to deal with where my thoughts/emotions came from, before I could learn how to change them. I wasn't even entirely sure where they came from at first. It took quite a few sessions to unearth the true causes.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 It *is* already happening in this thread. See some of the posts on the last page that Kamille responded to. I haven't seen a single thread OG has started that hasn't been peppered with such posts. Peppered, eh? Well, every thread is going to be well-seasoned with a variety of opinions and variations in delivery. That's the nature of LS. I'm surprised you haven't realized that by now. An entire group of people responding to emotional topics isn't going to be perfect. I'll ask you again (I believe for the fifth time, without being answered): If you're so unhappy with the advice you receive and read on LS, why are you still here?
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 He texted me back just now: "My day is going OK but pretty busy. How is yours going?" No apology for 5 hour lag.... I am going to text him "What have you been up to?" I know that he isn't busy with work as he works the second shift today. OceanGirl, I've said it before and I'll say it again. You take texting way too seriously. He doesn't, get over it.
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 whoa whoa WHOA! Let's just take a moment here. I think you're putting too much pressure on every nuance of this relationship. This right here. You're over-analyzing OceanGirl. If you keep doing that you're going to form a wedge between you and him where there wasn't any to begin with.
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 + 30 minutes now and no response to my new text This is really inconsiderate. I am pissed off You scare me...
curlygirl40 Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I'm wondering how the weekend went. Any updates OceanGirl??
Jannah Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Who revived this thread off topic? OP has not been back to post....
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 Who revived this thread off topic? OP has not been back to post.... I guess I'm the one who revived it. I revisited to see if there was an update from OG (because I think her lovely weekend with BF is done now given the time difference), and saw several of NS's posts that weren't there before (I'm assuming because of being moderated).
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I'm wondering how the weekend went. Any updates OceanGirl?? I have a feeling it went really well , otherwise we would have heard about it by now!
Nexus One Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I have a feeling it went really well , otherwise we would have heard about it by now! She's going to find something to be anxious about no matter what. And it's probably going to be a text message or lack thereof, mark my words. But now that she reads this she's going to have to use reverse psychology to prove me wrong. Catch 22!
Jannah Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 I guess I'm the one who revived it. I revisited to see if there was an update from OG (because I think her lovely weekend with BF is done now given the time difference), and saw several of NS's posts that weren't there before (I'm assuming because of being moderated). Oh, I see.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 She's going to find something to be anxious about no matter what. And it's probably going to be a text message or lack thereof, mark my words. Maybe so. But in time, she'll have less and less anxiety with this guy, because she'll learn to not read something in to a 30 minute delay that isn't really there. She's scared and fearful, and that fear will lessen as she learns that he's a solid dude (which by everything she's said, sounds like he is).
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