Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 He responded just now with: "I am running around doing errands before my shift today. I just had an appointment with my home loan manager. I hate having a mortgage lol" Again, I feel like this is off. Why? Why does that feel off to you? Why don't you believe him? Fear. I am tempted to text him "Is everything OK with us?" Is this a bad idea? Yes, very, very bad idea. At this point my thoughts are: a) He is about to dump me b) He has spent a day with another girl but wants to keep me on the back burner Or c) He's having a really busy day! Why can't you just believe him? a) Doubtful. b) Would mean he's cheating. Do you have reason to believe he's being unfaithful?
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Or "I would hate having a mortgage,too-lol" Depending on your situation She has a mortgage.
Author OceanGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I couldn't help it. I texted: "Cool. Are we still on for our weekend plans?" He responded immediately "Yeah def. Sorry about my slow responses before. Can I call you later? :)"
Author OceanGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow :)" He said "K chat tomorrow then :)" I am still uncertain. He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow...
P&R Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I'm noticing a trend with you Ocean Girl, you're a chronic overthinker. I'm the same way too and it can turn mole hills into mountains. Just stepback, do the things you love and let things work themselves out.
Crow9726 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Come on Ocean Girl...he has a life outside of you...and it doesn't revolve around you like a planet to the sun. Seems like massive insecurities to me...and you are almost to the point of smothering him. Real life does mean taking care of other things...not just waiting for a phone to beep. Please get a grip. I'm not being mean or trying to criticize. I know that I send out texts that don't get returned right away...and some that are answered almost as soon as I send them. I don't obsess since I also have things to do to occupy my mind and my time...and I am important enough to myself not to need an immediate text back to validate me. Makes me long for the days before texting and all this need for immediate gratification. It's childish and belittling and I refuse to let myself get caught up in it. If someone isn't communicating with me...then it's their loss...not mine. I often leave my phone at home if running errands...and actually leave it on my desk at work when I go to lunch or go elsewhere on the property. People today need to break free of the hold that their electronic devices have on their lives. It's past the point of being ridiculous. Take a deep breath and give the guy a break. Unless you are subconsciously trying to run him off...stop screaming "look at me...look at me"...it's very unattractive...at least it would be to me. Just my 2 cents...my opinion...and like they say...opinions are like *********s...everybody's got one and they all stink!
sb129 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it sounds like he's the one initiating all of the contact. Can I ask why you're not initiating contact? Taking turns to establish that interest is mutual? Have you considered that he might be thinking about things as much as you are? Wondering why he does the majority of the initiation? maybe he is worried that you aren't interested either. whoa whoa WHOA! Let's just take a moment here. I think you're putting too much pressure on every nuance of this relationship. You've only been dating a month. ONE MONTH! You just need to have fun, enjoy your time with him, no pressure on the relationship. You're a new new new couple. If I were you, I'd just forget this whole delayed text thing ever happened, and have a great weekend with him to reset back to a good place. High 5 panda. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people text me when a phone call would be a much more appropriate form of communication. One of my pet peeves is when people text me then text or call me 30 minutes later to say "did you get my text?" My mother does this alot. He responded just now with: "I am running around doing errands before my shift today. I just had an appointment with my home loan manager. I hate having a mortgage lol" I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow :)" He said "K chat tomorrow then :)" I am still uncertain. He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow... Why should he have said "i want to call you tonight"? YOU said chat tomorrow, and he is simply following your lead. he isn't a mind reader, nor is he a puppet OG. If you wanted to talk to him tonight you should have said so. Men are pretty uncomplicated creatures who don't overthink/ analyse things nearly as much as we women do.
Els Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 OG... until you stop reading the slightest deviation from your expectations as a 'sign that the guy just isn't into you', you will NOT succeed. It's tiring having to 'prove yourself' to someone 24/7, and your fears will only turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because no guy likes that. 5 hours without a text and you freaked out, for pete's sake... people are allowed to have a life apart from you!
utterer of lies Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 OceanGirl - chill out a bit and stop being so freaking clingy.
oaks Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I couldn't help it. I texted: "Cool. Are we still on for our weekend plans?" He responded immediately "Yeah def. Sorry about my slow responses before. Can I call you later? :)" Perfect. Nothing wrong with asking if your plans are still on (so long as you don't ask the same question every day!) and much better than what you were thinking of asking before. It sounds like he really is busy, and he even apologised for it. I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow :)" He said "K chat tomorrow then :)" I am still uncertain. He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow... Ahh. No. You offered him the "Let's chat tomorrow" line, so you shouldn't be upset that he accepted it. He thinks he's being accommodating towards your wishes to talk tomorrow rather than tonight. You could surprise him with a phone call (not a text) tonight if you like. Unless he has other plans then he'll like that you're contacting him and that you couldn't wait until tomorrow afterall. It sounds that things are going fine! Really!
bac Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am just worried that this is his way of fading out and dumping me, by never talking to me again. If it is what you are afraid of, you should not worry at all. You should relax and enjoy other things in your life because you can not change the fact that he wants to dump you. If he wants to vanish, he will do that sooner or later. Nothing can change that unless he might change his mind just to postpone dumping you for now to dump you later in time.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I generally take men at facevalue now, if they say they are busy, they generally mean they are busy. They don't secretly mean "I'm busy thinking about dumping you." It sounds like he is just busy, and is texting when he can. Thing is, you're continuing to text him despite knowing he is busy. That is ultra cling and reeks of insecurity. Trust in him, trust that he is being honest unless he gives you specific reason to doubt him. It seems like you have a secret list of criteria that a guy must meet in order for you to feel validated, or believe they are interested. He doesn't respond on time, you feel he isn't interested, and start to allow yourself to lose interest. He's never going to win in this situation, because you are finding ways to pick faults, even when there aren't any faults present. He's fighting a losing battle, because in your mind, no response is good enough. You keep saying he's responding with 'x' and 'y' and stuff, then you say that these make you uncertain, he can't win. Until you get it out of your head that he isn't interested, and believe that he is, you'll be posting these problems up for a long time to come. Change the negative to positive, think "oh he's busy right now, I'll talk with him later, but do x now." It seems like you're using these texts as a means to garner his interest level, and putting him through hoops, and he's failing because you have unrealistic ideas. Stop hinging everything on this, focus on other things, and just enjoy. It's too soon to be picking faults, go with the flow. I used to be exactly like you in this respect, I would text a guy, if he didn't respond immediately or within a given time, I'd panic. I'd then proceed to ask what was wrong, then it all spiralled downhill from there. I'm at the thought of how paranoid, and clingy I was, and how I chased the guy away with it. I now just take it easy, I initiate when I feel I have something to say, and I wait patiently and get on with other things. He WILL run a mile if you keep this up, not because he doesn't like you, but because you are proving yourself to be insecure, clingy and paranoid. Trying to be with someone like that is a job of work, and no one wants to have so much pressure on them. I've been on both sides, I've been the clingy, paranoid one, and I've been the one that was clung to, by an insecure, paranoid guy. Both sides are no fun, and I know you really want this to work, so you just have to take a step back, put things in check for a moment, and try to go with the flow.
zengirl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I do not think it's working for me anymore He is very PA in general and doesn't communicate clearly. With the way he is now treating me, I have no enthusiasm for spending the weekend with him. He's treating you like a normal person does during a busy period, after the initial sucked-into-new-relationship. The fact is, he's probably been neglecting some things since you guys got together, and now he needs to re-balance. People do this. It's not necessarily a reflection of you, or your relationship, or anything like that. The level of communication you seem to desire sounds unsustainable to me. Consider that as a possibility for a moment before making a judgment on him. However, if, in the big picture----not just this one freakout, but overall----you know he does not match up to what you need, that's a different story. And one that takes time to think about generally. I worry that you are prone to a knee-jerk decision here, though, one way or the other. Take some time to think about what the issues really are, and be open to the possibilitiy that they are yours, before you judge him. That's always my advice when making these judgment calls. He responded just now with: "I am running around doing errands before my shift today. I just had an appointment with my home loan manager. I hate having a mortgage lol" Again, I feel like this is off. I am tempted to text him "Is everything OK with us?" Is this a bad idea? Yes, that is always a bad idea. Always. Men do not like insecurity. It is not cute. It feels needy, and pressuring, and is a big turnoff. That's not to say you can never share your feelings, but here, there is no real reason for the question, and it just sounds insecure. Patience is the best course of action. I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow :)" ... He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow... Why should he have said that? I really don't get it. If my BF said, "Let's talk tomorow," that'd be that. Same if I said it. If you wanted to talk sooner, you should have said so.
denise_xo Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 + 30 minutes now and no response to my new text This is really inconsiderate. I am pissed off OG, I really don't get it. When I'm busy, it can EASILY take five hours before I respond to a text. My husband sometimes has to wait, if I'm in the middle of something and the text isn't urgent. 30 min is NOTHING. The fact that he's not at work right now doesn't mean he doesn't have things to do. I'm always busy outside of work - doing house work, seeing friends, doing grocery shopping, whatever. I think it's a good thing, especially in a long term perspective, if a guy has a life outside of me. I DON'T want to be the main/only focus of my partner's life all the time. It's not healthy for a relationship. I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow " He said "K chat tomorrow then " I am still uncertain. He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow... OG, if you're not flexible enough to accept a 'chat tomorrow' and you need to direct the situation in a way where you're dictating that he should always explicitly take the initiative and restate his commitment to you, you're setting yourself up for failure. He confirmed that you're talking tomorrow. I just don't see what the problem is with that. I agree with zengirl that the level and style of communication that you are expecting is unrealistic.
sammyd Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 It sounds to me, like he's a normal kinda guy! I have guy friends, sometimes they take hours to reply, sometimes the following day, and i would say i'm the same. Not because i don't like them, but because i've been busy/got caught up in something/got errands to run/ work, etc. The fact that he's said about the weekend being on, i'd be happy:) He's very obviously just been busy. Probably trying to get things sorted so that he CAN go with you at the weekend. Chill out, and get planning on some nice things you can do Have a good one:)
Kamille Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I couldn't help it. I texted: "Cool. Are we still on for our weekend plans?" He responded immediately "Yeah def. Sorry about my slow responses before. Can I call you later? :)" Ah Ocean girl! I'm glad it worked out - even though you don't seem to think it all worked out. I think you got upset, made up this worst case scenario in your head, tried to find proof that it was the truth and now you're still convinced that your worst case scenario is real. It's hard to switch emotional gear once we've invested so much energy worrying about something, but the facts don't match your worst-case scenario. In other words, I think you just had a bit of an anxiety-crisis. Revisit his texts tomorrow, please include the sexting and the fact he's excited about the plans he initiated for this weekend. You will feel differently about all this once you give yourself the time to step away from it. And... I'm sure you're heard of the elastic theory. As ZG said, it's normal for one of the other of the partners to eventually need to "rebalance" in their relationships. The best thing to do when your a asks for some time is be supportive and take advantage of the time to do exciting stuff for yourself. Imagine this scenario: Him: Hi honey! So happy to see you! (hug hug kiss kiss ) What have you been up to? You (feeling insecure and needing validation): not much mostly work. vs Him: Hi honey! So happy to see you! (hug hug kiss kiss ) What have you been up to? You (feeling revitalized because): I had the best time yesterday! I decided to go mountain-climbing! It was amazing! Scenario 2 has the advantage of putting you in charge of your own emotional well-being. This is something that I've found out men really dig. Just try it out. It only involves you thinking out something fun you can do and putting it into motion. If I were you, I'd just forget this whole delayed text thing ever happened, and have a great weekend with him to reset back to a good place. Great advice! I responded with "I know you will be busy with work later. Let's chat tomorrow :)" He said "K chat tomorrow then :)" I am still uncertain. He should have said "NO, I want to call you tonight" We will see what he does tomorrow... Not only was the idea to chat tomorrow yours, he had previously told you he wasn't going to be able to call until Friday. Last night, he texted me that he is not going to call again until Friday as he is finding it difficult to call from work. You chose to reject his explanation and that is what has sent you into this tailspin. I would think it a good sign that a guy told me in advance he wasn't going to be as available. I would have taken this as my cue to keep busy doing other things. You seem to have gone exactly the opposite way.
Author OceanGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I am really trying not do what I did in the past. In the past when something like this happened, I would act out and cancel the weekend plans just to "one up" him. I was SO tempted to do this. I didn't do anything crazy... As for why I kept texting him, HE initiated texting this morning and then when he said that he is busy, he asked me how was my day.. I also never sent anything but 1-1 texts. I am still not sure if he is losing interest and I am not sure if he will call tomorrow. I went out tonight with bff. I asked her to have few drinks with me and see the "Black Swan" last minute and luckily she was free. I was kind of annoyed by her. She is a psychologist and she was really tough with me I explained all this to her and she was like "snap out of this self-sabotaging s%it!!! what the f..., do you want to talk about interest levels 10 years from now? Enough already!!" She was never like this with me before My honest opinion is that she went a bit crazy herself since she started working with more severely mentally ill patients. Also, sometimes I need a friend and not a therapist. But anyway...I actually got some good advice in this thread.
EasyHeart Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I went out tonight with bff. I asked her to have few drinks with me and see the "Black Swan" last minute and luckily she was free. I was kind of annoyed by her. She is a psychologist and she was really tough with me I explained all this to her and she was like "snap out of this self-sabotaging s%it!!! what the f..., do you want to talk about interest levels 10 years from now? Enough already!!" She was never like this with me before My honest opinion is that she went a bit crazy herself since she started working with more severely mentally ill patients. Also, sometimes I need a friend and not a therapist..Listen to you BFF.
Imajerk17 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I always thought that your relationship with this guy was Too Much Too Soon, in that how the &$%# could you possibly keep up this pace? What most couples work up to in 6 months you were there within 2 weeks. Now either/both of you is getting bored.
donnamaybe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am really trying not do what I did in the past. In the past when something like this happened, I would act out and cancel the weekend plans just to "one up" him. I was SO tempted to do this. I didn't do anything crazy... As for why I kept texting him, HE initiated texting this morning and then when he said that he is busy, he asked me how was my day.. I also never sent anything but 1-1 texts. I am still not sure if he is losing interest and I am not sure if he will call tomorrow. I went out tonight with bff. I asked her to have few drinks with me and see the "Black Swan" last minute and luckily she was free. I was kind of annoyed by her. She is a psychologist and she was really tough with me I explained all this to her and she was like "snap out of this self-sabotaging s%it!!! what the f..., do you want to talk about interest levels 10 years from now? Enough already!!" She was never like this with me before My honest opinion is that she went a bit crazy herself since she started working with more severely mentally ill patients. Also, sometimes I need a friend and not a therapist. But anyway...I actually got some good advice in this thread.Your friend is doing the same thing many people on LS do - getting frustrated. Stop trying to control him. He'll run. Stop overthinking things. You'll drive yourself nuts. What is going to happen is going to happen. You have absolutely NO control over what he will and will not do. However, you DO have control over what YOU do. Now you get to choose: Do I push him away with my neediness and insecurity, or do I live my life and let him live his and see if we can mesh our lives together?
Kamille Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am really trying not do what I did in the past. In the past when something like this happened, I would act out and cancel the weekend plans just to "one up" him. I was SO tempted to do this. And you haven't! Good job! It's important to resist the urge to put the whole relationship on the line whenever something comes up. Putting the relationship on the line will only contribute to raising anxiety and validating insecurities. So congrats on not only managing to allow your negative emotions without acting on them, but also for getting out of the house. Dispatch3rd's links to the validation-invalidation pages had me doing a lot of deep-thinking lately. As a kid, I wasn't allowed to express any negative emotions, from anger, to stress, to fatigue, to sadness. My parents' reaction to my negative emotions was always to invalidate them by telling me whatever negative emotion I had wasn't real or that I should overcome it. Yep, even being tired (or sick) wasn't a valid feeling for them - and that is why today I have a propensity to ignore my own well-being and burn myself out. This has also meant that I got into the pattern of having to fight to prove that my negative emotions are based in reality ("but this, but that"). If you're not allowed to just sit with a negative emotion and observe it, you're much more likely to want to act on that emotion to get rid of it. So, I guess my question is this: were you allowed to express negative emotions as a kid? If not, how do you think it's affected how you respond to those emotions as an adult? You don't have to answer here. It's just a question I think could help you identify why you respond with all or nothing thinking when confronted to a situation which provokes a negative emotion in you.
iJester Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Spare this poor guy your drama, and just break up with him.
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