D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hey Folks... For background purposes: I was dumped. Valentines Day would have been our 12 year anniversary, but instead it is the 3 month anniversary of him being gone. I'm dealing okay I think. What's up now: Today when I woke up, I realized my cat Max is sick. The kind of sick that means I'm going to have to put Max to sleep either tonight or tomorrow. I recognize this sick, because Max's father had the same thing. Max is 16 years old, so it's not a huge shock. I'm spending time with him until he is obviously in pain, and then I'm taking him. I've cared for Max since he was 1 day old. I'm really dreading watching him take his last breath, walking out of the clinic with my empty cat carrier, returning to a truly empty house... And I have no one to turn to, because I have distanced myself from my old friends (who are also my ex's friends). I'm really tempted to call my ex, and i know he would help if I asked. So, I'm here asking for any encouraging or comforting words from LS so I don't make that mistake. Please help. (And, yes, I know I'm pathetic.)
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Do not call the ex, do not call the ex, do not call the ex. You are in a very vulnerable position right now and will be for a long time. Please don't call him. Also, I can relate to having to distance myself from old friends. Even though I established my friendships with them independently, they haven't reached out to me for some time now and I'm not going to chase after them. A good friend of mine told me over dinner tonight (fresh-pressed panini!!) "Good friends are hard to come by. It really takes a lot to listen to someone. It's much easier for a person to just walk away - and you know how that feels like right now, don't you?" I knew she was referring to my ex who just gave up on fixing our issues. All I could really do was nod in agreement. Are you close with any family members at all? Other friends? Is there anyone? Church friends, friends from other venues, etc.?
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Just over three months after the breakup of my LTR, I had a very traumatic experience. I called the ex, and to his credit, he looked after me - for almost an entire week. It was the right thing to do because I had no one else geographically close at the time. If in your heart of hearts, you know it's the right thing to do, then just do it. If it's going to hurt you to be vulnerable in front of him again and you feel that you'd have to swallow too much pride, then don't do it.
Author D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 It would be nice to talk to him. I have to get used to my life without him, so I'm not going to call him. This is the first time I've had something come up that's just like something we went through together. Two years ago I put my other cat to sleep, and he was there for me. I'm not looking forward to coming home and having no one here for me. Ha - I did what everyone always says to do - post here instead of contacting your ex. I didn't realize it when I posted Actually, no one could get to my house right now. The streets are covered in ice. I don't even know how I'll make it to the vet.
cerridwen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I'm so sorry about your cat, D. Truly sorry. But please, don't call him. The last thing you need now is the feeling of a set back to add to the sadness about Max. That's my biggest fear for you. Calling the ex is momentary comfort followed by another lapsing into mourning. There is a risk the relapse will be deeper. I hate to think of you piling that on yourself. I resisted calling my ex though I'm in desperate need. I cried and hobbled around, toyed with the idea, but resisted. Two days later, things have improved. I feel stronger for weathering the issue without him. I hate to think of you feeling alone. But, I also hate to think of you in a few days, feeling the pain of the breakup fresh again.
Author D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Ha! I just remembered - I can't call him! The day after we broke up, I broke my wrist. I did this about 3 minutes after he had left the house for work in the morning. I panicked, and called his cell. He came back home. When he walked in the door, I had an "oh sh*t" moment where I realized he wasn't a person for me to call anymore. I apologized to him, said it was habit, and promised I would never do it again. So even though I would like him to be there for me (and I kinda feel bad because he cared for Max, too), I can't call cause I promised I wouldn't. I'm making myself a note, in case I forget again. Thanks everyone for your replies and kind words. Oh yeah - I never answered you 0hpenelope - I'm short on real life friends right now. It's strange, because my problem for years has been too many friends. College and law school fixed that problem, and by the end of law school most of my friends that weren't our mutual friends were gone (moved, married with kids, etc.). I RSVP'd to 5 events in Feb, so hopefully I will meet some new people and make new friends; real life friends, that aren't his friends. My parents are always there for me, but I feel like I've relied on them too much in the past 2.5 months. LS friends are sometimes better because, out of everyone I know right now, no one has gone through this sort of heartache the breakup caused. If I tried to explain to them that I wanted to call my ex, they probably would not be as understanding as everyone has been in this thread.
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have to get used to my life without him, so I'm not going to call him. I feel exactly the same way and there have been a number of occasions now where I know I couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't call him. It's now at the stage where he's not the first person I think of when I have 'news'. Thankfully, I do have others I can count on now. And there's always LS and chatrooms. When he walked in the door, I had an "oh sh*t" moment where I realized he wasn't a person for me to call anymore. I apologized to him, said it was habit, and promised I would never do it again. So even though I would like him to be there for me (and I kinda feel bad because he cared for Max, too), I can't call cause I promised I wouldn't. I'm making myself a note, in case I forget again. I found that "oh sh*t" moment to be an important step in moving forward, especially when recovering from an LTR break-up.
Country_Girl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Awww I am sorry to hear about your kitty :-( I lost a cat growing up to cancer and it was terrible. She was so unique, just so loving, she would actually drool when you picked her up because she was so happy! She died at the tender age on 6 1/2, which was just too young in my opinion :-( My cat now, Simba, is just a big baby & I love him to pieces. If it wasn't for him, I'm not sure I would have made it through the breakup. I have been in a dark place and he's the reason I keep on trucking. I hope you feel better.
0hpenelope Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Ha! I just remembered - I can't call him! The day after we broke up, I broke my wrist. I did this about 3 minutes after he had left the house for work in the morning. I panicked, and called his cell. He came back home. When he walked in the door, I had an "oh sh*t" moment where I realized he wasn't a person for me to call anymore. I apologized to him, said it was habit, and promised I would never do it again. So even though I would like him to be there for me (and I kinda feel bad because he cared for Max, too), I can't call cause I promised I wouldn't. I'm making myself a note, in case I forget again. Ah, those reminders! They come up in the most unexpected places. Tonight, I had a moment like that. Wasn't pretty but friends... friends are good folk. Kept me away from the pit of dwelling. Thanks everyone for your replies and kind words. Oh yeah - I never answered you 0hpenelope - I'm short on real life friends right now. It's strange, because my problem for years has been too many friends. College and law school fixed that problem, and by the end of law school most of my friends that weren't our mutual friends were gone (moved, married with kids, etc.). I RSVP'd to 5 events in Feb, so hopefully I will meet some new people and make new friends; real life friends, that aren't his friends. My parents are always there for me, but I feel like I've relied on them too much in the past 2.5 months. That's so great about your events! Definitely good to get out there and interact with people. One of the things I miss about being in a centralized area where people are so accessible is the built-in support system of friends. They're there. They will announce random middle-of-the-night jaunts or shenanigans just to keep my mind off things. I do the same for them, too. Who cares if we had a test the following day?! "You're just thinking of your ex anyway, who are you kidding by 'studying' for the test?" I'm also happy that your parents have been constant. We're so fortunate to have good parents when others do not. I've been able to talk to my parents about break-up and they're really versed in enforcing tough love. Also, my dad indulged me with a story of how an ex came back to his life - but he was already married to my mom, who was already pregnant with me at the time. My aunt, his youngest sister, had no idea who the girl on the phone was and when she found out, she felt so guilty about telling the ex about my dad that she cried her apologies to my mom. Anyway, sorry about that brief anecdote. My real point is, good parents are good models of unconditional love. It's true. It's so great you have support from that. LS friends are sometimes better because, out of everyone I know right now, no one has gone through this sort of heartache the breakup caused. If I tried to explain to them that I wanted to call my ex, they probably would not be as understanding as everyone has been in this thread. It's hard. It really is. I wish you had accessible real-life support, but it's also good that we're such awesome people here on LS. I'm very grateful for this forum.
Author D78 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 ... I've been able to talk to my parents about break-up and they're really versed in enforcing tough love. Also, my dad indulged me with a story of how an ex came back to his life - but he was already married to my mom, who was already pregnant with me at the time. My aunt, his youngest sister, had no idea who the girl on the phone was and when she found out, she felt so guilty about telling the ex about my dad that she cried her apologies to my mom. See, my parents have been great, but I wish they had more stories to tell me! My mom and dad knew each other three weeks before they ran off and eloped. They've never broken up or anything! And they met in college, so they didn't have any hard luck stories to tell me. When we first broke up, my mom had a tendency to ask "Why would he do that to you?" to which I would just reply by breaking down into tears... It's hard. It really is. I wish you had accessible real-life support, but it's also good that we're such awesome people here on LS. I'm very grateful for this forum. I guess I do have real life support - just from inappropriate sources, mainly my clients. The other day I met with my favorite client, and I owed him a huge apology because I took to long to complete his work. We ended up talking for about 2 hours. Turns out, he just lost his mom, and found out his dad has Alzheimer's, and his sister stole his mother's wedding ring while his mom was in hospice. Talk about realizing what real problems are!! His advice for me was "only time will fix it." I know that's true. I also know, I probably shouldn't talk to my clients about life I would be seriously messed up were it not for this forum!
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