niptuckfan Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Hi Folks..My sorry a** story does not start out well and does not end well and quite frankly I would be typing for hours to fill you in on the details. I will try my best to condense this into the Readers Digest version and will be asking all of you or ANYONE AT ALL for insight, input, similar outcomes and whatnot. Today is a good enough day for me to sit and write this as I know that I will not break into tears or feel the extreme profound pain in my heart and soul...today is an angry day where I sit an stew about how I feel that I was wronged and cheated...so here goes. I have young children with my Ex. We have been split up for 5-6 years and were together on and off after the birth of the kids. He was a very irresponsible and unsupportive partner and did not financially or emotionally support his children. I met and ended up living with a wonderful man who I know loved me and ended up loving my kids (or so he told them..and me). We had a good relationship, but like any relationship, it had its moments...especially since there were kids and Ex's involved. My BF has an older daughter whom he did not have a relationship with and (kinda) abandonded as he had problems with his ex. Soooo...at the tail end of October 2010, my childrens father was found dead and things progressed from bad to worse.... My focus was on my kids and getting them through this rough time...in the meantime, there was the inundation of my dead Ex's family into my life who I have not spoken to in over 5 years, there was immediate communication with the dead ex's gf who he had been living with. There was my confusion on how to greive for this man whom I had been extremely angry with (he left no financial means for the kids either)...he did not pay child support although he saw his children every other weekend...but I felt sad for my kids as any mother would...that instinctive sorrow that you feel in your heart when you know that their lives have now been changed forever! There was now the immediate worry that if anything ever happened to me...what the hell was going to happen to my children...there was many many thoughts running through my mind...and then there was my loving bf...he did not understand or try to care to understand how this whole mess was playing out. He worried about peoples reactions to our loss...he, I think, felt left out and out of place. BUT...I did something rotten..I turned my anger and the anger that I felt for my kids and turned it towards my bf! Boy ohhh Boy..I yelled and screamed at him for a week straight and told him he was worthless and that my life would be better without him in it...that type of destructive behaviour went on (and off) until December...and as I tried to look at may different aspects to what was going on...I finally kicked him out as I was not getting the emotional support that I thought I needed! Now...we spoke and I felt bad and he agreed to "hang out" during Xmas to see how things were going! He said that I am suffering from bad PMS and that I tend to get very mean around that time! ...(another story)..but I don't think that he saw things for what they were. So...we try to go to counselling..the counsellor was a bit useless and did not give us any coping mechanisms...he sat there and let us pit our feelings and words against each other...and I felt that after 4 sessions that nothing was going anywhere...and my loving bf checked out emotionally. Don't forget, I still have greiving kids and a ton of emotional issues myself in trying to peice this puzzle together after the death of my ex. So the bf moves out a couple of weeks ago and I am a COMPLETE MESS!....I have made just about every mistake to try and get him back into my life...I think that he is making the wrong decision based on what we have been going through...but he tells me that he hasn't been happy for a year??!! I have grovelled, cried, begged him and put my feelings out there. My kids are feeling the most pain...to lose their father and then another father figure who had been living with them full time for 3 years all in a matter of weeks?? Boy...my work has been cut out for me! Then I found this site! And reading what others have been saying and going through has made me realize that.... Do I really want someone in my life who abandons the people that he says he loves when the going gets tough?? Do I want to put myself and my kids in the position to have this happen again? Should I be sitting here blaming myself for feeling like I have been dealt a Sh**Y hand of cards and not looking after his emotional needs? Should I really be beleiving him that there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed?? (yes..I am seeing a counsellor so I can put my anger and frustration into perspective as I have been carrying the "fight" with my dead ex for over 6 years) Is there really not something wrong with him? Selfish, Self Centred and childish that he would worry about how all this is affecting him? So...I wanted him back! I miss him and I truly 100% loved him to bits and I ..trying to deal with everything that has been thrown at me am now feeling the loss of two people in my life...one is dead and the other walked away! I have listened to many words over the last months or so: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! You are a strong woman and this will only teach you life lessons. Things happen for a reason! And so on and so on..... But I think that what I need to look at now is.... Be Careful What You Wish For! So badly I want him to come back and to grovel and say he made a mistake and that he loves me more than life itself.....I don't think that will happen. I have gone the NC route now for 3 days...it has changed my perspective. I am feeling stronger each day and today he came to the house and removed more belongings from the garage (I changed the locks and moved everything into garage). Here is my question..we have shared property that needs to be dealt with. I have to meet up with him to sign some papers... I don't want to do it too soon...He wants to do it on Friday this week. BTW...I have gotten a hair cut...benefitted from the stress diet...got new glasses and quite frankly look awsomely hot these days! (the guys at work have asked me who the new man is!!). So I want to see him when I am at my best and when I know for sure that his eyes are gonna pop out of his head! I know..a bit nasty...but I think I deserve it!! Ok...fill me in on what you think.... Do you think he will come crawling back? Do you think I should consider it? What if moving on is what I should do?? HELP!!???
SundayGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 As for your ex, I can't say what will happen. But what I do know is that real peace can only be found inside yourself. In times of stress you need to nuture yourself. What works for me is: avoiding caffeine and sugar avoiding my cell phone avoiding the news making time to wind down in the evenings reaching out to family and friends crying when I need to but not wallowing in it exercise!! So important to clear your mind getting adequate sleep, water, and good nutritious food. We need to look after our bodies when our hearts and minds are in turmoil otherwise the physical uneasiness only adds to our stress.
Author niptuckfan Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you Sunday...I am trying my best to do what is right for me and my children. I had to meet with him this morning to sign papers on the mutual property. It is no longer mutual property. I have bee paid out and it is final. I did not look at him or talk to him. I kept my head down and signed the paper and took my cheque. The most hurt i have felt yet. But in a way...the most releiving...Can anyone see how torn I am between my heart and my head????
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