Process of mature elimination in a world where people meet once and fall in love?

[GirlnamedAngel]

Hi everyone Thank you in advance for advice or wisdom you have to offer.

 

I am one of those girls who ends up dating the first guy to come along for months and months or even years. I always run into these relationships head first and I don't ever really take time to make sure I am picking the right guy. It sort of seems like luck of the draw.... the first guy I go on a date with (unless he is a total loser) is who I end up with.

 

I am attractive, successful and intelligent so I don't need to settle and this time around I won't settle.

My last relationship ended a month ago and I am ready to date again so I put a profile up on POF. I got a hundred or so responses to my ad and I narrowed the list down to about 6 or 7 guys I might be interested in. I gave them my phone number so they could call and make plans (or text). But now it seems like each guy is assuming that he is the only guy I am talking to and I just really refuse to go that "jump in head first" route again. I think I need to go out on about 5 or so dates before I decide who I want to be with. No more falling for the first guy who drops out of the sky...

 

I need help though. I am horrible at rejecting people and these guys all seem to be pinning their wife hopes on me even though they only met me online... they are all texting me about how beautiful and wonderful I am and all that kind of stuff, and I am trying to be non committal, but this is stressing me out.

 

Why do people assume that after one date you're exclusive? And how do I make it clear to these guys that I have "options" and that I am choosing the best one without coming across as being a player or cold hearted b*tch?

 

I think for guys with online dating they get fewer responses so they don't realize that a beautiful woman on one of those sites may be talking to 10 guys??

 

I want only one boyfriend. But I am 31 and I think it's time for me to really be level headed about who I spend my time with.

 

Can anyone help me?

Edited February 3, 2011 by GirlnamedAngel

[jane100]

Hi Girlnamed Angel,

 

I don't really think you have to "make it clear" as probably all of these men understand how dating works, though they might not declare it up front as its not terribly romantic ...

 

Though all these men may appear to be pinning their hopes on you, they are quite possibly dating other women anyhow, and, unless they are very naieve, they realise that is the nature of "the game" at this stage for both parties.

 

Why not just enjoy your time with each man you meet, there is no need to "declare" anything to each other as you are just meeting and finding out about each other at the very beginning with no strings.

 

The conversation about "exclusivity" is a long way down the line.

 

However, I do understand about the difficulty of rejecting theme, I just think if its done sensitively they will hopefully understand, but I know I have struggled with this one myself.

[zengirl]

I thnk it's possible you're swinging from one unproductive extreme to another, but sometimes that has to happen to find the happy middle, so no harm in trying. I wouldn't think of it as a POE perse, but I also wouldn't date the first decent guy who comes along. I think the best way to go about it is to decide what you really want, what your exes have been lacking, and how to find those qualities in a man.

 

I don't think you want to make it clear to guys you have options. That sounds kind of cold. Just make it clear you're looking to be sure before you get into a relationship, and that you really want to make sure you choose well, rather than just get into a relationship for the sake of one. A lot of guys would appreciate that, but they don't appreciate being in some giant reality-show type pack that is being whittled away. They do appreciate being MORE than a placeholder and a woman who's honestly looking for a man she adores wholeheartedly rather than just any old BF.