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Did I do the right thing by barely replying?


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Posted

Ok, this is about a month after the fact but here goes. My ex-whatever-you-want-to-call-her (We dated for 9 months. Yes, intimate too. Somehow we weren't "dating", though. *insert head scratch*) I've been NC since mid-October due to her screwing some other guy. Said she never did but her friends told me otherwise. She basically lied about it. Anyway, I decided to finally de-friend her around the first of December. I know, I dragged my feet a little on that one. Well, she messaged me on Christmas, saying "Well, I guess you defriended me... just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas." I kicked around on what to do and finally replied "Merry Christmas to you, too." No "How ya Doin!?" or smiley faces or any attempt to catch up with her. All I could think of is how she treated me like second hand news, but I felt bad about not replying on Christmas, plus I really fell for her when we went out so I guess there's a soft spot down there somewhere. Did I screw up and get drawn offsides? I always lean toward taking the high road, although a vindictive side of me surfaces into my thoughts from time to time. What do you think that she wanted by contacting me? Did I do the right thing? Thanks for any advice you all might be able to provide.

Posted (edited)

Okay this is going to be hard but you need to listen.

 

She contacted you because she wanted her ego stroked. Women hate feeling guilty, and hate knowing you're slipping away. So every once in a while she'll text you and if you reply she'll essentially know you're waiting around for her. I.E. she'll "backburner" you in case this new guy doesn't work out.

 

You defriended her, and that's a great step. Now from here on our you need to go straight no contact. And I mean completely none. Do not initatiate contact with her for anything. When she initiates texts with you DONT REPLY. Pretty soon she'll start calling. DONT ANSWER. Eventually she'll leave a voicemail. Depending on what it says it may be the point where you may call her, a few days later of course. This is all assuming you want to get back together with her. If you don't that's fine too, no contact is meant to heal so it'll definitly do that.

 

Read the guide to no contact in my signature, it will definitly help you. The key is to be strong. What if she texts you, don't reply. If you feel like you can't resist the urge, post on here. Let us reinforce it. If after some thinking is done, and I mean without your emotions cuz i know right now you probably still want her back, but if after you've had a chance to get over the breakup and you still want her back. She will get to the point where she will be calling and leaving voicemails if you ignore her. At this point how you play it is the most important part. Just look at my second chance thread if you don't believe me.

 

I was literally on the verge of making it back to reconciliation, but she calls from a blocked number and wakes me up. *Sigh* I answered, she had the drop on me after she'd left voicemails. I essentially lost all of the power there because there was essentially no way for me to one control the phone call at 7 in the morning and two have a good excuse to get off of the phone.

 

Fact is you need to get the power back in your hands. When you do that then in effect you become the dumper, and SHE will notice that. When she notices she will do everything in her power to get it back. And if you stay strong, what happens in the end is up to you and only you.

 

Good luck, feel free to message any time you feel weak or like you're going to break NC. Trust me we WILL stop you, lol or at least give you the strength too.

 

-Gator

Edited by gator12
typos
  • Author
Posted

Hey, thanks. I've been sooo back and forth on this one. I'm saying good riddance one second and pining for her the next. I read the thread on second chances and I believe the guy's dead on, especially about the no contact bit. It kills me wondering what she's thinking, though. I'm always playing it out in my head how I'm going to react if (and I probably will) I see her again. I'm positive the high road is the way to go, although the vindictive side always wants to ask about all the times she lied to me and why exactly she did that. Geez, what a mess I am. So replying to her message was wrong in spite of it being Christmas?

Posted
Hey, thanks. I've been sooo back and forth on this one. I'm saying good riddance one second and pining for her the next. I read the thread on second chances and I believe the guy's dead on, especially about the no contact bit. It kills me wondering what she's thinking, though. I'm always playing it out in my head how I'm going to react if (and I probably will) I see her again. I'm positive the high road is the way to go, although the vindictive side always wants to ask about all the times she lied to me and why exactly she did that. Geez, what a mess I am. So replying to her message was wrong in spite of it being Christmas?

 

No it was okay, I guess, I mean you don't want to look like a complete ass, your birthday dn christmas would make sense I guess. Well it really doesnt matter what you look like, but returning a Merry christmas or happy birthday is fine. Albeit don't do it immediately after she sends it. But I mean other than that no contact, if you guys had something real she will be back. i mean read my thread about my ex. I was pretty much hopeless, and she came back, I was playing everything right and then got blindsided. But if she was back once, she'll be back again.

 

In the end no contact is to move on. That's it nothing more nothing less. You can not be the one to break it. And if it's meant to be she will come back but you need to go into it thinking she will not come back, to move on. And if she does contact you, you can't fall for the crumbs. She will reach out trying to make sure you're still there in case whatever she's doing doesn't work out for her.

 

My ex started with just a hey. After 1 1/2 months of nothing. I didn't reply. then a hey how are you. I didn't reply. then a day or two late how come your ignoring me. then an email. Then 4 phone calls in one day. Then she got mutual friends to basically ask for her. She knew I was busy,she knew I could live without her. Women don't want a man who's weak and dependent, they want what they cannot have it is just a fact.

If it's meant to be they come back. I was going to call her the next day but. I messed up and answered the phone cause she called from an unknown number while I was asleep and I didn';t even consider it may be her. and at that moment she got the power back because I had no way out of the phone call, and it quickly turned into a fight. See if I had called her I would have kept it short and too the point, saying I was busy and had to go do such and such and that maybe I'd be in touch. At this point she'd already been missing me but I was making myself more interesting. It didn't work out like that, but i believe she will be back at some point again, but I don't cling to that. I stay NC, I move on, I live my life.

 

Anyway I only gave you that as an example fo nc getting her to contact you again, so don't go into it with the fear of what if I never hear from her agin, that's a possibility but if that's the case it was never worth it or meant to be.You going into no contact will give you the power, in the end you will be the one to decide if you guys will get back together, and that is the most important thing when it comes to reconciliation, that it be on your terms.

 

If you ever feel weak like you will break it, just write on here, or keep a journal, write everything you want to say to her without ever actually saying it to her, it does wonders. Right now you will have ups and downs, I was like that only a month ago, but now I'm on top of the world. Sure I want my ex back but I'm moved on at the same time.

 

Things only get better,

 

-Gator

Posted

Why would you think you were wrong for not replying to someone who decided to string you along for 9 months and bang other dude? As gator said, she wants you to let her off the hook...ignore. Let her live with her actions and focus on your future happiness without her.

Posted
Hey, thanks. I've been sooo back and forth on this one. I'm saying good riddance one second and pining for her the next. I read the thread on second chances and I believe the guy's dead on, especially about the no contact bit. It kills me wondering what she's thinking, though. I'm always playing it out in my head how I'm going to react if (and I probably will) I see her again. I'm positive the high road is the way to go, although the vindictive side always wants to ask about all the times she lied to me and why exactly she did that. Geez, what a mess I am. So replying to her message was wrong in spite of it being Christmas?

First of all, what's done is done. No sense in having regrets or second thoughts.

 

What makes sense is to think about how you FEEL. What did responding do to your FEELINGS.

 

Did it make you feel good? Nope.

Did it make you feel bad? Yes.

So don't do things that will make you feel bad in the future. You live. You learn.

 

And I'd stop the idea of taking "the high road"- what does that really mean anyhow?

Rather say, do what is right for you. Do what is best for you. Do what is going to help you heal. That is the road to take.

 

Someone cheats on you. Someone lies to you. Someone takes half a second to text you at Christmas. That's not exactly what I'd call signs of someone caring for you.

 

It takes a few seconds to text someone. Anyone can do that. Requires no effort, no time, no caring, no inconvenience, it's not personal, takes no courage, takes absolutely nothing.

 

So what's to analyze? It's is just a wimpy, pathetic, immature, selfish, meaningless maneuver. Recognize it for what it is, protect your heart and know you are doing what's best for you. Ignore, remove, block, delete.

Take care.

Posted
First of all, what's done is done. No sense in having regrets or second thoughts.

 

What makes sense is to think about how you FEEL. What did responding do to your FEELINGS.

 

Did it make you feel good? Nope.

Did it make you feel bad? Yes.

So don't do things that will make you feel bad in the future. You live. You learn.

 

And I'd stop the idea of taking "the high road"- what does that really mean anyhow?

Rather say, do what is right for you. Do what is best for you. Do what is going to help you heal. That is the road to take.

 

Someone cheats on you. Someone lies to you. Someone takes half a second to text you at Christmas. That's not exactly what I'd call signs of someone caring for you.

 

It takes a few seconds to text someone. Anyone can do that. Requires no effort, no time, no caring, no inconvenience, it's not personal, takes no courage, takes absolutely nothing.

 

So what's to analyze? It's is just a wimpy, pathetic, immature, selfish, meaningless maneuver. Recognize it for what it is, protect your heart and know you are doing what's best for you. Ignore, remove, block, delete.

Take care.

 

Agreed on everything. Except for maybe block. Because if they do ever get the courage to call you and admit their fault then you will never know. The fact is the best way is to stay strict NC FOR YOU. and No one else, things will happen as they are meant too, while you ensure yourself the fastest healing process possible.

Posted

Got to agree with gator and NC as much as it is hard to implement. When I was having issues with my GF when we were still meeting, I kind of knew about this NC but not the whole 9 yards deal, how to do it to the end. I would ignore her for a week or so and then ping up would come the text from her. It is classic behaviour in that they want to feel you are still there waiting for them. Way I see it is if they really wanted you they would be bashing your door down (like my ex was) so why bother replying to petty 'make me feel better texts' and at the same time make you feel worse?

 

When we broke up (it was kind of mutual but she did flake out a bit earlier on in RL, so in effect kind of dumping me) I deleted her from FB and her number. I got caught short on chat one night she was on and burst in to say hi how's you.

 

Other than that I am slowly feeling a bit better by the day. I am kind of dreading a text from her now if she did text, what does that say? It says I do not want to feel like I did a month ago, and come crashing back to zero.

 

2011

Posted
Got to agree with gator and NC as much as it is hard to implement. When I was having issues with my GF when we were still meeting, I kind of knew about this NC but not the whole 9 yards deal, how to do it to the end. I would ignore her for a week or so and then ping up would come the text from her. It is classic behaviour in that they want to feel you are still there waiting for them. Way I see it is if they really wanted you they would be bashing your door down (like my ex was) so why bother replying to petty 'make me feel better texts' and at the same time make you feel worse?

 

When we broke up (it was kind of mutual but she did flake out a bit earlier on in RL, so in effect kind of dumping me) I deleted her from FB and her number. I got caught short on chat one night she was on and burst in to say hi how's you.

 

Other than that I am slowly feeling a bit better by the day. I am kind of dreading a text from her now if she did text, what does that say? It says I do not want to feel like I did a month ago, and come crashing back to zero.

 

2011

 

Exactly, the will throw you the littles of crumbs To make sure you're still there, you still want them. To make themselves feel better about dumping you. My ex came back after continually ignoring her, and it would've all played out the right way had I not been tricked into answering. But I let that go, and am back in no contact. If she ever had the intention of getting me back she will be back again.

 

Fact is we have to live our own lives and not play second best to anyone. I drove home with a friend of mine today who my ex had talked to to spy on me. And I mean I've learned what no contact does first hand now. My ex told my friend she missed me, wanted to talk to me. She said it wasn't fair I wasn't talking to her just because she broke up with me etc etc. No contact literally is the only possible way they will discover whether they truely made a mistake or not. And in the end you're the one in power. You either move on or if you put the effort into it you get into an even better relationship.

 

Until then, nothing to do but stay strong.

-Gator

  • Author
Posted

Well, I know I'm in the driver's seat as far as the power thing goes. As far as she knows, I've written her off as a dirty-leg whore with the de-friending and all. Plus I was the one to finally say, "enough, I'm out of here." Dropped her, regrettably, when I learned some things she was up to. That said, amazingly I still miss her and miss doing stuff with her. Am I out of my mind!? I don't think she will contact me because she probably thinks I totally despise her (I really don't). I've really got the itch to message her and smooth things over which I KNOW is the wrong thing to do. I'm afraid I'll have a few beers and think that it might be a good idea. Help me out here! I need some strength! I have to keep the leverage that I've attained. I know if I call her or contact her, I'll blow it! How do you people do it?

Posted

Some ways I've gotten around it.

 

1. Go out with friends, if drinking is involved, I give one of them my phone to make sure I don't text the ex.

2. Write anything I want to send my ex in a journal, that way I feel as if I've gotten it all out.

3. Post on here, 5 minutes on this site quickly turns into an hour and by then the urge to text or call is gone. And just reading some of the posts on breaking NC lets you know it's the wrong thing to do.

 

In your situation the fact that she may think you hate her is a good thing. No one wants to be hated lol, even your ex. It doesn't matter what she thinks regardless, you are in charge right now, and she will have to come crawling back to get you back, if now she's just not worth it.

 

I myself was personally debating messaging my ex tonight, but then I just got on here and started posting, and the feeling soon passed.

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