Merkaba Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I went on three really great dates with a guy. After the third date he texted me to tell me what a great time he had and we made plans for another date. He then left for vacation, texted me a few times over the weekend he was gone, and then nothing..... For the record, he didn't call because I had my kids and asked him not to, so texting in this case was appropriate. He has also only been in one relationship in his life, with his ex-wife. They divorced only three months ago. We are both 34. I don't know if this is relevant, but thought I would add it just in case. Some other details are he was posting pictures on his Facebook of the trip, and his ex was the first one to comment on them. It seemed incredibly awkward at that point. I sent him a polite email last night, asking for some clarity on the situation. Still nothing. So what gives? Why do people do this? Any insight? To have someone just *poof* really does not feel good at all!
LexiB Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Couple of questions... 1. How much time has passed between between him texting you while on vacation and you sending him the clarity-seeking email last night? 2. During that gap, have you made any other attempts to contact him that went ignored or have you just been waiting for him to initiate? Depending on the answers to those questions, his not responding to your email could be in line with him having already decided to go ''poof'', orrr, it could be the result of recently manifested confusion [...and slight panic] on his part, at your reaction.
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 He could have had a change of heart. Or he could be attempting to reconcile with his ex-wife. His poofing could be due to any number of reasons. To be fair, while I'm sure there are individual differences, I'm not sure that three months out from a divorce is enough time to 'grieve' and be ready to date again, particularly if that is his only relationship experience. As disappointing as it is, you might need to just chalk this one up to experience and move on.
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Three days had passed. I did not make any attempts to contact him. It seemed to be becoming one-sided even before that. I would enthusiastically reply any time he wrote me, but it would take him longer and longer to respond. I did not want to feel as if I were bugging him or doing all the pursuing, so I kind of chilled out and let him do the contacting. Then he quit contacting me at all. Maybe I jumped the gun? It's strange, though. He seemed to be really interested up until a few days before the decrease in contact. We really got along quite well. He opened up to me quite a bit in that time. It may have been too much too soon.
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you January. I agree with you. I just wish people had the consideration to offer a reason rather than just disappear. It's certainly not something I would do to someone!
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I thought you might have jumped the gun, but his silence in response to your email suggests he is indeed poofing. Sometimes we react too soon based on fear; sometimes it's based on intuition. I think it's likely the latter here. And yeah, I hate when they go poof too!
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 He actually just wrote. It seems there's been a huge miscommunication. I told him I was jealous that he was in Florida, and he took it mean I am a jealous person. It's weird. You'd think someone of this age would have ample experience and would know not to take things so literally. That's not the case here, and I'm certainly not used to it. But hey, at least he contacted me! It does put my mind at ease. Handling rejection via non-communication is hard for me. It probably is for everyone. Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice! It is very appreciated!
zengirl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Weird that he almost Poof!ed over that. But glad things are trending up. I try not to invest too much in anyone after a few dates (though disappearing men/women are crappy). You never know what you're getting. Something smells fishy here.... How so? I'm not disagreeing perse. Just not sure what you mean.
OceanGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Weird that he almost Poof!ed over that. But glad things are trending up. I try not to invest too much in anyone after a few dates (though disappearing men/women are crappy). You never know what you're getting. How so? I'm not disagreeing perse. Just not sure what you mean. I am just saying that his justification doesn't really compute. Sometimes, men will invent all kinds of reasons why they haven't been in contact. A guy really likes a girl. They have few great dates. They e-mail and she says something like "I am jealous that you are in Florida". He interprets it as "I am jealous" and decides never to talk to her again. Just odd
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am just saying that his justification doesn't really compute. Sometimes, men will invent all kinds of reasons why they haven't been in contact. A guy really likes a girl. They have few great dates. They e-mail and she says something like "I am jealous that you are in Florida". He interprets it as "I am jealous" and decides never to talk to her again. Just odd I really do agree with this. "I am jealous you are in Florida" shouldn't compute to "I'm a jealous person in general, BEWARE!" Then again, people have come up with odder justifications. I'd just tread cautiously.
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 A guy really likes a girl. They have few great dates. They e-mail and she says something like "I am jealous that you are in Florida". He interprets it as "I am jealous" and decides never to talk to her again. Just odd Jealousy could be a trigger for him and a reminder of his unsuccessful relationship with his ex-wife. He may be fearful that he doesn't want to "make the same mistake again" and thus he's more likely to run away from any potential relationship that brings up that same scenario or the same feelings. Granted, it's a bit of a stretch to go from what she wrote to how he interpreted it and we don't have a lot of extra information to go on but it's one possible explanation (out of a number). The additional information does make me wonder if he's actually ready to date so soon after his divorce.
zengirl Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am just saying that his justification doesn't really compute. Sometimes, men will invent all kinds of reasons why they haven't been in contact. A guy really likes a girl. They have few great dates. They e-mail and she says something like "I am jealous that you are in Florida". He interprets it as "I am jealous" and decides never to talk to her again. Just odd Well, I guess they're talking now. I agree it's likely he has some issues, but he's got a very recent exW, so I'd be surprised if he didn't have issues, I guess.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I am just saying that his justification doesn't really compute. Sometimes, men will invent all kinds of reasons why they haven't been in contact. A guy really likes a girl. They have few great dates. They e-mail and she says something like "I am jealous that you are in Florida". He interprets it as "I am jealous" and decides never to talk to her again. Just odd That needs to be emphasized. If a guy really likes a girl, come hell or high waters, he will get in contact. No need to come up with a lame excuse like that. What is he, in the 4th grade?
Art_Critic Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 but he's got a very recent exW, That is 99% of the equation.. Simply put he hasn't been divorced long enough yet..
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I agree it's likely he has some issues, but he's got a very recent exW, so I'd be surprised if he didn't have issues, I guess. Absolutely. This is the biggest thing to pay attention to, IMO... not his stated reason for not calling.
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I did talk to him, but most of that time I was outside fighting the snow in the driveway with my car. We talked and made it clear we didn't want a relationship, so all is well. It was really just the no contact part without explanation that got to me. I agree, though. It's not a good idea to date anyone that's been recently divorced! Learned my lesson there!
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 AND I should mention that he thought I was jealous not only because of the Florida comment, but also because of his Facebook. Women had commented on his pictures, and I stopped talking to him as much. I guess maybe I did stop responding as much, but not because of that! Plus the 'friendship' with his ex did scare me off a little. It seemed like a whole lot of drama just waiting to happen. No thanks!
daphne Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 AND I should mention that he thought I was jealous not only because of the Florida comment, but also because of his Facebook. Women had commented on his pictures, and I stopped talking to him as much. I guess maybe I did stop responding as much, but not because of that! Plus the 'friendship' with his ex did scare me off a little. It seemed like a whole lot of drama just waiting to happen. No thanks! It sounds like a whole lot of assumptions and excuses to me. I've dated guys that had a slight jealous reaction here or there and didn't rule them out just because of that. Extreme jealousy warrants moving on but when you really like someone, I think most people get a tiny bit jealous if threatened. It depends on how they handle it.
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 It sounds like a whole lot of assumptions and excuses to me. I've dated guys that had a slight jealous reaction here or there and didn't rule them out just because of that. Extreme jealousy warrants moving on but when you really like someone, I think most people get a tiny bit jealous if threatened. It depends on how they handle it. I agree with this, too. He just stated that he wasn't jealous, at all. Everyone has the ability to get jealous. I don't care how saintly they are. It's obvious he has some issues to deal with!
GivenUp0083 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I went on three really great dates with a guy. After the third date he texted me to tell me what a great time he had and we made plans for another date. He then left for vacation, texted me a few times over the weekend he was gone, and then nothing..... For the record, he didn't call because I had my kids and asked him not to, so texting in this case was appropriate. He has also only been in one relationship in his life, with his ex-wife. They divorced only three months ago. We are both 34. I don't know if this is relevant, but thought I would add it just in case. Some other details are he was posting pictures on his Facebook of the trip, and his ex was the first one to comment on them. It seemed incredibly awkward at that point. I sent him a polite email last night, asking for some clarity on the situation. Still nothing. So what gives? Why do people do this? Any insight? To have someone just *poof* really does not feel good at all! It absolutely does suck. This kind of "break off" sent me into anxiety attacks and later therapy. All you can do is remind yourself that you wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this to you anyways. Tell yourself you're lucky it didn't go further because he's clearly not interested. I'm one who always wants closure as well but it's best just to make it clear to yourself that there just wasn't interest, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that he doesn't want to see you. I wish you the best.
Author Merkaba Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 It absolutely does suck. This kind of "break off" sent me into anxiety attacks and later therapy. All you can do is remind yourself that you wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this to you anyways. Tell yourself you're lucky it didn't go further because he's clearly not interested. I'm one who always wants closure as well but it's best just to make it clear to yourself that there just wasn't interest, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that he doesn't want to see you. I wish you the best. I'm sorry you had to go through this Given. I had been rejected in the past and it also resulted in anxiety and therapy. Luckily I was able to recall what I had learned then and use it to help me cope with this rejection much better. Because of my anxiety I do have the tendency to over-analyze things, and you're right. It doesn't help! I wish you the best as well!
GivenUp0083 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sorry you had to go through this Given. I had been rejected in the past and it also resulted in anxiety and therapy. Luckily I was able to recall what I had learned then and use it to help me cope with this rejection much better. Because of my anxiety I do have the tendency to over-analyze things, and you're right. It doesn't help! I wish you the best as well! Well since therapy dating got a LOT easier. I had dated a girl a few times after therapy and we just weren't a good match. Then a few months later I met my girlfriend and I'm very happy with her. Things are going well
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