secondname Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I see alot of threads people start on this. My wife and I are both 25 years old and have a 3 year old boy. We have been together since 19, and got married at the age of 22, and Life is super nice right now. A few days ago she has given me the ultimatum of giving her a 2nd child within the next year, or she is moving on to find someone else who will fulfill her dreams. She says she loves me, but we want 2 different things in life, and we may not be right for each other.....over a 2nd child. She is telling me we only live once and she dont want to have any regrets. I dont think we can afford another kid. Be honest, our salarys combined barley break 30,000 a year. after daycare and housepayment, our checks are small. any opinions from guys who have been in the same situation ? or girls who have done this to there guy ?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I really hope this is true... A divorce if you don't give her another kid within a year? Yikes... maybe she is already pregnant with someone else's baby and wants to pin it on you so you have to "give" her another? She seems irrational about this. You have one kid and are going fine with life, and you know you cannot afford another right now. Why bring another child into the world when you can't afford them? Ask her why she wants another kid right now when you can't afford them. Ask her why can't she wait till ya'll are making better money so's you can comfortably afford both of them. Another paranoid thought I just had is that she might be trying to get another kid out of you so when she leaves you she can pin child support on you and make a nice living off of it. I've heard that child support for 2 kids can be like $1200+ in some cases. Other LSers have more experience than I do, but I would be skeered right now if I was in your shoes, and I am a woman.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 And also from your original post with the ultimatum she gave I wondered if you signed a contract or gave a verbal agreement to have 2 kids within a certain number of years after getting married, or before a certain age? Is this the case? If so I guess it explains her position a little better... but for some reason I don't think that's it.
Author secondname Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I meant to put be pregnant by this december - Ive asked her why and she is saying "She dosent want our kid's to have to much of an age difference and shes ALWAYS wanted 2 kids. I told her we can not afford a 2nd child, and she says "We can make it work" Its a lose, lose for me. Either i have a kid who we can not afford and face possible divorce later on down the road by fighting, or I loose my wife now by not going through with the 2nd child. It sucks because she makes it seem like I'm the bad person saying I always think negative and I want different goals out of life. Then she plays the "I dont love her card because I want do this for her". If I dont give her the 2nd child, she makes me seem like the bad person and makes me feel bad.
bluebirdsfly Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I told her we can not afford a 2nd child, and she says "We can make it work" Well, then you two need to sit down and talk calmly and scientifically how how could this work. Ask her to tell you her systematic plan, if she has any, and evaluate the feasibility of her plan. The plan should at least be a "income/expense worksheet". Just like a basic business proposal. Let her know that you are thinking about the whole family's wellness, not against her dream. But make sure that when you two sit down and talk, no body's angry or having an attitude. Best of luck
Eddie Edirol Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Well, she KNOWS that you cant afford it, she KNOWS that you dont want to do this. If she is this unreasonable, then she is being this way deliberately. Sounds like the ultimatum is a guarantee that she wants out of the relationship. She doesnt want to tell you that the relationship isnt working for her. Since she is so ready to move on from you, I question whether or not she has already checked out. Plus telling you that you have to do this if you love her? Nothing is right about this. I think she is using your "no" as an excuse to break it off. Even if you gave her the child, she will find another ultimatum in the future to use to divorce you. it sounds to me like you are getting divorced no matter what.
sally4sara Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 She dosent want our kid's to have to much of an age difference and shes ALWAYS wanted 2 kids. I told her we can not afford a 2nd child, and she says "We can make it work" So too can it be worked out if the kids are a couple more years apart in age. What might not be able to be worked out is having a marriage with someone who threatens divorce every time they might not get their way. You will be divorced from her anyway; just a matter of time before you either CAN'T give her her way or would rather be divorced from her any way.
carhill Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 IMO, she's young, done, found someone and it's WAW time. Accept her kind offer, get proper legal advice, and give her exactly what she wants, on your terms and your timeline. She took your super nice marriage and turned it upside down in a minute. Now it's her turn. My sympathies... Welcome to LS
hopesndreams Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I see alot of threads people start on this. My wife and I are both 25 years old and have a 3 year old boy. We have been together since 19, and got married at the age of 22, and Life is super nice right now. A few days ago she has given me the ultimatum of giving her a 2nd child within the next year, or she is moving on to find someone else who will fulfill her dreams. She says she loves me, but we want 2 different things in life, and we may not be right for each other.....over a 2nd child. She is telling me we only live once and she dont want to have any regrets. I dont think we can afford another kid. Be honest, our salarys combined barley break 30,000 a year. after daycare and housepayment, our checks are small. any opinions from guys who have been in the same situation ? or girls who have done this to there guy ? It's only been a few days! The urge to have children is very strong with a woman and she has told you something she will regret a few days from now, most likely. She's young and wants another child. Yes, she is going about it the wrong way but suppose you both come to a compromise huh? That way, she isn't led to believe you call the shots. Marriage is a partnership! You can't dictate to her when the time is right to have another child no more than she can do that to you. It's all about compromise. It's highly doubtful she will leave you since your life together has been super nice.
Author secondname Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I've brung up the compromise part as well. I told her I may want one in 1-2 years if we get better paying jobs. She will respond with "I dont want to wait 1-2 years" Also when I bring up compromising, she responds with this "Well 2 people get married because they want to same things in life. If you dont want a 2nd kid then we shouldnt be together" The more I think about it, the more I realize I dont need to be with her if she is acting like this. But its hard because she makes me seem like the bad person and its my fault, so I almost want to give in and give it to her
Goldenspoon Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 The more I think about it, the more I realize I dont need to be with her if she is acting like this. But its hard because she makes me seem like the bad person and its my fault, so I almost want to give in and give it to her You need to ask yourself, is she a good wife, a good companionship, a good friend, a good mother, etc.? How is your relationship with her other than this bizare issue?
Lucky_One Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 It's only been a few days! The urge to have children is very strong with a woman and she has told you something she will regret a few days from now, most likely. She's young and wants another child. Yes, she is going about it the wrong way but suppose you both come to a compromise huh? That way, she isn't led to believe you call the shots. Marriage is a partnership! You can't dictate to her when the time is right to have another child no more than she can do that to you. It's all about compromise. It's highly doubtful she will leave you since your life together has been super nice. Agreed. Another poster said something about $1200 CS for 2 kids? For a man making about $15,000, he won't be required to pay $14,400 in support. CS is based upon a formula, not some random figure drawn out of thin air.
Lucky_One Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 The more I think about it, the more I realize I dont need to be with her if she is acting like this. You know, this statement startled me a bit. You say that "Life is super nice right now", but you get so upset about a big argument that happened a few days ago that you decide you don't want to be with her. Isn't that EXACTLY what your wife is doing that has upset you so much? She is upset and has threatened divorce, and now you are upset and threatening (basically) the same thing? Do the two of you have a minister or pastor that you could talk to about this issue? I think that a neutral party could be a big help to you both, as you both seem pretty upset and are making rash statements. I don't know if your insurance would pay for a few sessions of joint counseling, but that is a thought, too.
Iconoclast Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 This is nuts. Stand up to her and don't back down. If she doesn't accept the totally reasonable request to wait until your finances improve, i'd tell her "go ahead then, leave, get pregnant and good luck to you. But you're not taking my child with you." She'd break up your family, become a part time parent, because she wants a baby right now? More to this than meets the eye. Two kids 30k a year? They have a word for that. Poverty, and it sucks.
coffeecat Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I think people here are being a bit harsh with your wife. I understand her thought process. It's out of a maternal desire to give her one child a lifelong playmate, a sibling, someone he can grow up with and bond with. I wanted the same things for my children. I wanted them close. Also I have head that many women don't feel "complete" until they have had two. As for money, I am in the minority when I tell you I believe it will work itself out. You have to have faith in that. It did for me. A child is worth it. Also if your wife seems unreasonable or emotional about it she's probably just ovulating.
sb129 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Isn't this something you guys should have discussed already? If not prior to marriage then prior to having your first child? This is one of the reasons why I don't agree with people getting married so young....
Author secondname Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 We did talk about it before marriage. We agreed on everything and as I said, We get along super great together. But Alot has changed from the time our first kid was born. When we had out first kid 3 years ago, I was making 35,000 a year and she was making 20,000 a year. I got layed off in Feb 09' and quickly got a new job, but the pay isnt that great. BEFORE we got married we agreed to have our kids about 3-4 years apart......But we also didnt plan on the economy to take a fall.
What_Next Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Yikes. I can see both sides here. As has been said the urge to have children can be so strong for a woman that they might ignore all outside factors in that desire. With that being said it does seem that a second child might place undue burden on you both, including the first child. Also a marriage is about compromise, communication and understanding. As a complete aside, I'd be UBBER careful that she is not planning on "skipping" BC if she is the one that this task falls to. I'm not saying she is, but just be careful. Dig deep, calm down, don't give ultimatums, but try and really talk to her. Explain your side of the decision. If she REALLY doesn't want to hear it and she is serious about a divorce over this, then so be it. Just don't push her to make things worse. In a word, WOW.
back_on_track Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 I see alot of threads people start on this. My wife and I are both 25 years old and have a 3 year old boy. We have been together since 19, and got married at the age of 22, and Life is super nice right now. A few days ago she has given me the ultimatum of giving her a 2nd child within the next year, or she is moving on to find someone else who will fulfill her dreams..... any opinions from guys who have been in the same situation ? or girls who have done this to there guy ? hello DO NOT DO THIS I have been you and given in, only to see the pressure of the situation bring the relationship down to it's end, and seen my woman that made exactly these threats and arguments move on because of it. (She also said "everything will be ok, we'll get through it") If you do not want it, or have reservations, those feelings will not dissapear. And they will linger there whilst your situation deteriorates to utter crazy pressure and stress. Fueling the fire even more. Say no, she is young and has plenty of time for more when the time is right. If she is willing to leave you over this, then she will leave you later anyway, just as mine did. This is a sign of her lack of respect for you. Keep things nice and go ahead with the one (it will be much easier to deal with later). I hate myself for giving in to some one that really did not care about my feelings. Because there is no avoiding the resulting situation for the rest of your life. I dont hate my second child, I love him, but I hate the woman and the financial, and emotional turmoil , and the stressful years she gave me that jacked my life up. You will meet a cooler woman later, I have, and if you only have one kid then you wont be in the same boat as me, where the prospect of more kids is terrifying financially, even though I sincerely love this new woman and she is the one person I would ever want kids with ever again. take control man or that girl will **** you over. you are both young, there is time. She does not even know yet how 2 kids will drive her insane at home and make her want to go back to work.... sorry to give you instructions, take what you want from this, you said you wanted to hear from guys who have been through the same thing and I am, as you can read, still bitter as hell about it.....
allenmj Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 First off, good for you for thinking of your financial situation! It is UNFAIR to a child to knowingly bring them into the world when you cannot fully support them like they deserve. Start documenting these demands now, and start building your resolve. Lawyer up and YOU file the divorce papers. Go for custody of your current child. I agree with the other posters, she's already made up her mind. Good luck!
worlybear Posted February 27, 2011 Posted February 27, 2011 Wow there guys! Before you all march his wife off to the divorce court ,would it not be worth considering his talking to her about why she so desperately wants another child? If her issue is concern for her existing child being an only, or missing doing the "baby bit"- would another option not be to do some child-minding/nursery work? That way she gets to be with babies/ small children, the child gets a playmate and she's contributing financially. Just an idea:)
back_on_track Posted February 28, 2011 Posted February 28, 2011 Wow there guys! Before you all march his wife off to the divorce court ,would it not be worth considering his talking to her about why she so desperately wants another child? If her issue is concern for her existing child being an only, or missing doing the "baby bit"- would another option not be to do some child-minding/nursery work? That way she gets to be with babies/ small children, the child gets a playmate and she's contributing financially. Just an idea:) Thats a constructive suggestion, but I think he should hold out for what he wants. What he truly wants and feels fine with. If he stays sure on the point that he wants to be with her and wishes to wait, since they are young and the situation is unstable. Then she will prove her love for him by listening. This such a common, panic / presssure pregnancy which leads to trouble
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