Still not over 1986 boyfriend, need a man's perspective on what happened

[lisapisa]

Hi,

 

I broke up with someone 18 years ago and I am still not over him. Throughout the years, I've located him and sent a birthday card or a note and sometimes I can almost forget him, then I have weeks where I'm obsessed with him again. I've been married for 14 years.

 

Here's what happened. When I was 26, I took out a personal ad because I was tired of dating drunks and guys with problems. Wanted to find someone with similar interests--18 people applied, I met with 7 of them and really connected with one. We dated for three months. He called me throughout this time. We had normal dates, dinners, plays. I didn't chase him. He was an established professional, age 29. Physical therapist, golfer.

 

We were having a good time (and also having sex, which I should not have done but I was so attracted to him). One night he said we needed to talk. Upshot...he was moving to Georgia to start a new business. Maybe I should move with him. I joked, said No but days later said yes. He shot me down. It got messy fast. We had an ugly break up. The next day he told me he cried all the way home, went out and got drunk. Then he agreed to see me again. I cooked him dinner. He said something about "everyone you know is rich." (Not true at all). That's the last time I ever saw him.

 

This guy played me, I think (or know). He told me he was falling in love with me and didn't want to. At times he would mumble "I have a problem." He hinted needing to move to Georgia to care for his father. Nothing was ever clear and I think I was in a fog because I never pushed for information.

 

After he moved, I found him and sent a letter. He responded immediately and for a year, called me. Told me he missed me, we should meet for a visit, etc. One year later, he was supposed to come to Chicago to see me. His choice, not my suggestion. He came, but I never saw him. He called my office once and the receptionist recognized his name. I think that scared him. After that, I was so angry, I sent an angry letter or two. Have never spoken to him again that he knows of. I interviewed him once for an article under an assumed name. I 've called his answering machine, stuff like that.

 

I got married in 1990 and really thought/hoped he'd show up a la The Graduate and rescue me. He married in 1995 I believe. So he was pretty old by then and he married someone 13 years younger.

 

Anyway, I don't want to keep thinking of this guy forever. I have left out a lot of intimate details about our relationship, but let me say, it was intense and mostly on his side. I was nuts about him but I wasn't chasing by any means. He seemed to think I was going to "hurt" him. He was intimidated, I think, by my looks and my family's home.

 

Any thoughts?

[FreeMe]

I'm sorry but I think you're being utterly ridiculous and obsessive. You went with the guy for 3 months almost 20 years ago and you're not "over him"? You're both married and barely had contact all this time. You're obsessed. After all this time I think you can pick the answer you want to believe, accept that, and move on.

 

Sorry - I'm not a man but since no one else answered yet, I figured I'd post.

[The flower girl]

gosh dont worrie so much i think you are not thinking of this man but more of what you could of had.

 

youa re not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of him.

 

I had an ex i was with for two years, he worked away and i was way to young for it to work so we broke up.

 

I knew i had made a mistake and it took a long time for me to stop thinking about him.

 

But i was really thinking to much about me and the guilt that I could of done more and been someone eles. But more then anything i was unhappy at the time and he was a focus point.

 

I dont think you have an obbession but i do think you have some issues in your life right now and thats why you are looking to teh past.

 

hope this helps.

 

flower

[The flower girl]

oh ps) sorry about my typing in that last post its cold here and im not typing so good in these gloves! lol

[orlando_bloom_is_hot]

i know just how you feel... my bf left me 10 months ago....and im still in love with him... can we ever get our men back?