kourtney01 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I recently ended an engagement to someone that I am head over heels in love with. I have never felt this way about anyone before...allthough this break up is one of many...it feels very definite. And it really is completely his fault. He broke my trust, lied, cheated...and all though that behaviour stopped..he did nothing to make it up to me or earn my trust back. So we began to fight a lot and break up every other week, and now it's for good. At first he was contacting me a lot..but the other night he said I'm selfish and a waste of his time and he realizes now that I don't love him so he's going to stop trying to win me back... I wanted to tell him SO BAD that I do love him and that I do want him to keep trying so that maybe one day we can make some progress and miss each other enuff to make it work. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything.. I'm going crazy. I feel like my whole world is crashing down and all though I want to get over this, something inside me won't let me even accept it! I want him to make a change sooo bad, but I know if I chase after him he will not appreciate what he's lost...and then how can that invoke change? I know he is hurting..we have a strong connection so I can sense it...so then why did he just give up? Why won't he do something big and drastic to turn his life around and make things right? I am torn...I miss him like crazy but in the same time I am sooo hurt by a lot of his past behavior... What do I do? How do I get thru this? Will he ever come to his senses??
ByMyselfForNow Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 He broke my trust, lied, cheated...and all though that behaviour stopped..he did nothing to make it up to me or earn my trust back. ......... At first he was contacting me a lot..but the other night he said I'm selfish and a waste of his time and he realizes now that I don't love him so he's going to stop trying to win me back... Not knowing the whole story I could only speculate on this. Maybe he feels that he's tried his best to earn your trust, but for some of us that is not enough. I know if I chase after him he will not appreciate what he's lost...and then how can that invoke change? That sounds a little selfish on your part. You should never try to change someone. Just let him figure it out on his own.
Author kourtney01 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Not knowing the whole story I could only speculate on this. Maybe he feels that he's tried his best to earn your trust, but for some of us that is not enough. QUOTE] He hasn't..or I would have been a bit mor elenient..in fact I waited a long time and asked him to do many many things to earn my trust but he never followed though which is why I resorted to breaking up and NC because I honestly did not know what to do anymore to show him how much he was hurting me and that he needed to make a change! So I let him be...and if he really loves me and trully feels bad for cheating multiple times and lying multiple times in the past...wouldn't he do anything to win me back and earn my trust? Why give up after only a few weeks...when I put up with YEARS of BS!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 First of all, change your aviator. It's not going to be easy getting over a broken engagement when you are staring at a pic of a bride. Second, I know this must be hard. I can't imagine breaking up with someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I think the fact that he isn't trying to win you back is for the best. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Imagine what your marriage would be like! Make a list of all his negative attributes and put it on your fridge. Look at it everyday and every time you have the urge to contact him or wish that he would try to win you back. It will take some time to get over this, but you will. Hang in there. ((hugs))
cerridwen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Not knowing the whole story I could only speculate on this. Maybe he feels that he's tried his best to earn your trust, but for some of us that is not enough. ByMyselfForNow, read the whole story if you get a chance. You'll find it very illuminating. Kourtney's guy has constantly cheated and has no problem gaslighting her so she believes SHE is the problem. It truly IS a sad story. Kourtney, I agree with Lauriebelle, change your avatar. Think of who you are not in conjunction with your ex. You're the star. He just a character in your play . To answer your questions: He gave up for the same reason he cheats and lies. He is selfish to the core and secondarily, doesn't value the relationship like you do. He won't do something big and drastic to make things right because he is selfish to the core and secondarily, doesn't value the relationship like you do. What do you do? Work at accepting the fact that he wont do what's necessary--no matter what you do. This is something completely independent of you. YOU are not the issue. The issue is he wants multiple woman at a time. He will hurt his SO to have those women. Period. That SO could be anyone, and he will still chase other girls. Read up on serial cheaters. Take the mystery out of it. I bet you'll recognize a lot of behaviors and justifications. How do you get through this? Start finding all the NC guides on this site and follow their advice. I especially like this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 (Though I don't agree with #7. It can be counterproductive.) Post here for support and as you recover, help other women who are just starting their recovery from a cheater. Refuse to let yourself reminisce. What significant thing is he doing TODAY to make things right? Exercise your maturity and look at things AS THEY ARE NOT AS YOU ONLY WISH THEY'D BE. You can do it Kourtney. There's a strength in you. I can tell!
Questionis Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Pretty good advice here, I also listen to music when I can't get out or its too late to call, my friends or if I just been leaning too heavily on them. Maxwell is a good one, so is Mariah Carey and I watch Lars and the Real Girl. this cheers me up immensely, for some unknown reason. Stay strong
Author kourtney01 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 ByMyselfForNow, read the whole story if you get a chance. You'll find it very illuminating. Kourtney's guy has constantly cheated and has no problem gaslighting her so she believes SHE is the problem. It truly IS a sad story. Kourtney, I agree with Lauriebelle, change your avatar. Think of who you are not in conjunction with your ex. You're the star. He just a character in your play . To answer your questions: He gave up for the same reason he cheats and lies. He is selfish to the core and secondarily, doesn't value the relationship like you do. He won't do something big and drastic to make things right because he is selfish to the core and secondarily, doesn't value the relationship like you do. What do you do? Work at accepting the fact that he wont do what's necessary--no matter what you do. This is something completely independent of you. YOU are not the issue. The issue is he wants multiple woman at a time. He will hurt his SO to have those women. Period. That SO could be anyone, and he will still chase other girls. Read up on serial cheaters. Take the mystery out of it. I bet you'll recognize a lot of behaviors and justifications. How do you get through this? Start finding all the NC guides on this site and follow their advice. I especially like this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 (Though I don't agree with #7. It can be counterproductive.) Post here for support and as you recover, help other women who are just starting their recovery from a cheater. Refuse to let yourself reminisce. What significant thing is he doing TODAY to make things right? Exercise your maturity and look at things AS THEY ARE NOT AS YOU ONLY WISH THEY'D BE. You can do it Kourtney. There's a strength in you. I can tell! Thank you for your input...you're very good at putting things in perspective for me! I hope one day (soon) I see things with the same clarity...
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