From a man's POV

[SkyOgre]

I need advice. I find myself in an untenable place. I'm married to someone I don't want to live with anymore.

 

I had an affair after 23 years of marriage. My wife found out and we went through the anger and hate, counseling and the mending process.

 

My wife has forgiven me for the affair and would like to move on. I can't.

 

We were HS sweethearts and married after college, both worked and had kids after 5 years. She was always going to work until the first son showed up, she started to wavier and the 2 son showed up and between the child care and work she decided to stay home. I worked very hard to provide everything for them and no one had a want for anything. She always had nice home and new cars and bought anything she wanted for herself and the kids.

 

The kids became #1 in her life and the marriage #2. My boys are the best kids you'll ever find and I owe that to my wife. The problem began when the marriage became secondary in her life we started to drift apart. Over the years the gap just got wider and wider. I travel for my job a lot at least 4 days a week and that did not help.

 

As we drifted apart our sex life faded, the last 4 years of marriage became so bad as it went from once a week to once a month to the last year of 4 time in a year. I never strayed until year 23 and it started very innocently and evolved into a full blown affair.

 

I met someone I worked with and we connected. We have terminated the relationship but I still think of her often. She has said until I finish this marriage issue we aren't anything.

 

My wife is doing the hard sales pitch to keep me home but I jut can't see us lasting for ever anymore. She says I need to move forward and start planning for the future.

 

We've had some wonderful fights and the youngest has experienced most of them, the older escaped to college. I didn't leave right away because of the kids and I am regreting that decision every day. Both kids are experiencing alcohol issues and I know it's from watching us fight.

 

I had the affair, I made the mistake but deep down inside I was crying for help as the relationship with my wife had died. We were great roommates and business partners but not as lovers. She has said it will all change now as the kids will be gone from the house in August off at college.

 

Everyone tells me to stay-counselor, friends and parents. Just fake it til you make it. Problem is I'm miserable, can't sleep and constantly churning this over in my head.

 

Do I stay and always wonder if I should have left or leave and hope for the best?

[worlybear]

Talk to her.

Be honest and tell her how you feel. You owe her that.

My STBXH totally annihilated our family (4 grown up kids and then 7 yr old) by not being honest.

The pain of an affair for a BS is horrendous but what hurt most of all was the denial to all of the family that there was something wrong.

We all thought it was our fault.

Man up and tell your wife you want to leave.

And if you have any flicker of affection left for her, give her the courtesy of space and time.... don't move a new woman in whilst the bed is still warm.

My STBXH gained a younger woman and stepdaughter.

But because of his horrendous handling of everything his 2 youngest sons consider him dead, his older daughter contacts him only for money and his now 9 yr old has refused to see him for the last year. Our oldest son seriously messed up his life, nearly killed someone (dui) and as he has to live somewhere on parole, lives with his father and stepfamily.

His brothers will never talk to him again.

I'm very sad.

Talk to her.

Our finances are in crisis and court looms ever nearer.

2 years on

[Duckduckgoose]

Worlybear summed it up nicely. It is going to throw everything into a tailspin...

 

Marriage takes two to work, both of ya'll can put in effort now that the kids are off to college.

 

I was deeply hurt when one of my close friends from high school and college, once he and his brothers were all married off... his parents divorced. I found out from him they were staying together for the kids and nothing else. They didn't try to work it out once all their boys were gone they just divorced. It hurts me now to think about it... I remember all the parties at their house I never knew they were so unhappy like that...

 

Its gonna hurt even more for your kids... it's not worth it man... its not. Get that OW out of your mind. She's not there, she's not going to wait for you, she's got her own agenda to fulfill. Your agenda should be your wife and family.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm married to someone I don't want to live with anymore.

 

I had an affair after 23 years of marriage.

 

We were HS sweethearts and married after college, both worked and had kids after 5 years.

 

I worked very hard to provide everything for them and no one had a want for anything. She always had nice home and new cars and bought anything she wanted for herself and the kids.

 

The kids became #1 in her life and the marriage #2. My boys are the best kids you'll ever find and I owe that to my wife. The problem began when the marriage became secondary in her life we started to drift apart. Over the years the gap just got wider and wider. I travel for my job a lot at least 4 days a week and that did not help.

 

As we drifted apart our sex life faded, the last 4 years of marriage became so bad as it went from once a week to once a month to the last year of 4 time in a year. I never strayed until year 23 and it started very innocently and evolved into a full blown affair.

 

My wife is doing the hard sales pitch to keep me home but I jut can't see us lasting for ever anymore. She says I need to move forward and start planning for the future.

 

We've had some wonderful fights and the youngest has experienced most of them, the older escaped to college. I didn't leave right away because of the kids and I am regreting that decision every day. Both kids are experiencing alcohol issues and I know it's from watching us fight.

 

I had the affair, I made the mistake but deep down inside I was crying for help as the relationship with my wife had died. We were great roommates and business partners but not as lovers. She has said it will all change now as the kids will be gone from the house in August off at college.

 

Everyone tells me to stay-counselor, friends and parents. Just fake it til you make it. Problem is I'm miserable, can't sleep and constantly churning this over in my head.

 

Do I stay and always wonder if I should have left or leave and hope for the best?

 

 

I can barely fathom how unrealistic you are being/sounding. In what traditional and sensible environment aren't the kids a greater priority to the woman than the marriage???

 

(oh, wait, I know... it's the ones where the children are horribly abused by stepfathers as their mothers act out of desperation and selfishness and shack-up with any lout who will take on the whole brood)

 

In divorce court, no woman ever puts up a strong fight to give the kids to the other partner.

 

"Alcohol issues" don't arise of merely watching one's parents fight. You're either genetically predisposed to alcoholism/addiction, or you're not. If you're not, then you really don't have much to worry about save for the one, rare night when you might ride with your drunk buddy behind the wheel.

 

You really, really are not applying yourself to that marriage, and I wouldn't even want to venture a guess as to how many years it has been since you did.

 

Sounds like you did well at providing for them, so give yourself high marks there, but that "4 days a week" of travel was a costly expense.

 

Instead of the constant fighting with your wife, why not take a real chance and show her some vulnerability?? A marriage of this duration is a lot like a 401K plan where its longevity is a huge factor in its worth.

 

You might divorce your wife tomorrow and go out and find a princess who will be absolutely perfect... but even if you marry her in 2 days, after 60 months you'll still only have something of 5 years duration.

 

Finally, if "after 23 years of marriage" you had an affair, then you strayed in "year 24".

[whichwayisup]

Can you walk away after 23 years of marriage without both you and your wife REALLY trying to reconnect again? or is it easier to walk away.. Do yourself a favour, do not contact the OW that you had the A with until you are offically divorced and ready to date again. Your sons are having huge issues, and even though you and your wife more than likey seem to be on the path of a divorce, your kids need both of you, so DO continue with MC and family counselling too.

 

Have you told your wife you want a divorce?

 

What have you done to try to reconnect with your wife. Obviously you did love her, to marry her, and have a family with her. Just a shame that you both let life get in the way and grew apart.

 

What if you walk away and realize you DO love her and wish you had a chance to really work at things with her, to try to recapture that passion and love again. Choice is yours, but don't leave without givnig it your best. Seems so far you haven't done much, effort wise.

[Distant78]

I need advice. I find myself in an untenable place. I'm married to someone I don't want to live with anymore.

 

I had an affair after 23 years of marriage. My wife found out and we went through the anger and hate, counseling and the mending process.

 

My wife has forgiven me for the affair and would like to move on. I can't.

 

We were HS sweethearts and married after college, both worked and had kids after 5 years. She was always going to work until the first son showed up, she started to wavier and the 2 son showed up and between the child care and work she decided to stay home. I worked very hard to provide everything for them and no one had a want for anything. She always had nice home and new cars and bought anything she wanted for herself and the kids.

 

The kids became #1 in her life and the marriage #2. My boys are the best kids you'll ever find and I owe that to my wife. The problem began when the marriage became secondary in her life we started to drift apart. Over the years the gap just got wider and wider. I travel for my job a lot at least 4 days a week and that did not help.

 

As we drifted apart our sex life faded, the last 4 years of marriage became so bad as it went from once a week to once a month to the last year of 4 time in a year. I never strayed until year 23 and it started very innocently and evolved into a full blown affair.

 

I met someone I worked with and we connected. We have terminated the relationship but I still think of her often. She has said until I finish this marriage issue we aren't anything.

 

My wife is doing the hard sales pitch to keep me home but I jut can't see us lasting for ever anymore. She says I need to move forward and start planning for the future.

 

We've had some wonderful fights and the youngest has experienced most of them, the older escaped to college. I didn't leave right away because of the kids and I am regreting that decision every day. Both kids are experiencing alcohol issues and I know it's from watching us fight.

 

I had the affair, I made the mistake but deep down inside I was crying for help as the relationship with my wife had died. We were great roommates and business partners but not as lovers. She has said it will all change now as the kids will be gone from the house in August off at college.

 

Everyone tells me to stay-counselor, friends and parents. Just fake it til you make it. Problem is I'm miserable, can't sleep and constantly churning this over in my head.

 

Do I stay and always wonder if I should have left or leave and hope for the best?

 

Dude just leave. It's obvious all you care about is some new booty with some other chick than showing how you can be more faithful to your wife. All that is here is justifications for your affair and nothing you can do to make your wife and marriage better.

[SkyOgre]

Talk to her.

Be honest and tell her how you feel. You owe her that.

My STBXH totally annihilated our family (4 grown up kids and then 7 yr old) by not being honest.

The pain of an affair for a BS is horrendous but what hurt most of all was the denial to all of the family that there was something wrong.

We all thought it was our fault.

Man up and tell your wife you want to leave.

And if you have any flicker of affection left for her, give her the courtesy of space and time.... don't move a new woman in whilst the bed is still warm.

My STBXH gained a younger woman and stepdaughter.

But because of his horrendous handling of everything his 2 youngest sons consider him dead, his older daughter contacts him only for money and his now 9 yr old has refused to see him for the last year. Our oldest son seriously messed up his life, nearly killed someone (dui) and as he has to live somewhere on parole, lives with his father and stepfamily.

His brothers will never talk to him again.

I'm very sad.

Talk to her.

Our finances are in crisis and court looms ever nearer.

2 years on

 

I haven't had contact with the OW since the affair ended 6 months ago.

 

I've been through counseling with her and endured a lot of hateful things said about me. Yes I had an affair but was accused of never being there for her to help with the kids and had non-sense drug up from as far back as high school on fidelity issues. I have even been accused of financial infidelity because of travel expenses.

 

She has access to all my email/laptop/home computer and checks my browser history constantly. She reviews every credit card expense, I told her I went shopping at WalMart in the city which the OW lived because WalMart was close to the airport. Bill showed up and we debated the shopping trip.

 

Every time I get a phone call, email or text I always get the 'who was that' look and have gotten to the point of showing her my phone anytime I receive any message alert.

 

I'm not running off to the OW (that's over) and abandoning her and the boys. I have talked with the boys and explained what is going on. Hardest thing I've ever done but both said thank you for being honest with me about this.

 

I realize I had the affair and I ended it. I went to counseling to repair things and have worked on this. Go to counseling after an affair and have everything laid out in the open and then tell me I haven't tried. We've tried date nights, day trips to local museums and weekend getaways.

 

I have discussed separation/divorce with my wife and she responses we just need to try harder. She wants me to call her yet when I do if I don't create the conversation we have the long pauses.

 

I realize having the career that I do does not lend to a stable home life but I was there for the family. When I was at home I got up everyday to get the kids out the door for school, volunteered at school, did the cooking and did all the sports/events to relieve her and give her time off. We went 15 years before we spent a night alone together, I asked but it was always what if the kids need us? Yes, the children are important but you can't abandon the marriage for that long and assume it will all fall back in place.

Edited February 3, 2011 by SkyOgre

[xxoo]

We went 15 years before we spent a night alone together, I asked but it was always what if the kids need us? Yes, the children are important but you can't abandon the marriage for that long and assume it will all fall back in place.

 

Oh, come on. "Abandon the marriage" because she doesn't want to leave the kids overnight? Millions of couples figure out how to be intimate without the option of leaving their kids overnight.

 

I see a lot of blame in your posts, and not a lot of personal responsibility. Your wife put the kids first. Your relationship drifted because your wife put the marriage second.

 

Well, did YOU put the marriage first? How did you put the marriage first when you were traveling 4+ days a week???

 

This is real life. The marriage doesn't always come first. Grown ups deal, and don't need to be first all the time.

 

It is great that you worked hard and supported your family. But let's face it--SOMEONE had to raise those kids, day in and day out, while you were traveling for work. Just like SOMEONE had to earn the money. Each of your roles made the other's work possible, and it isn't fair now to lambast her for putting the kids first now that they are older and no longer need the constant childcare.

 

You say sex faded in the last 4 years. That means sex was regular for the first 19 years, while raising kids and you were traveling 4+ days a week. Doesn't sound like she had abandoned the marriage. So what is the REAL reason sex faded at that point? What is the REAL reason things changed at that year? Who really abandoned the marriage, and when??

[What_Next]

Distant78 and I rarely agree, but in this case I 100% agree with him. This is going to very harsh, but I say it like it is. Be a MAN and divorce her. You obviously do not love her anymore and you are acting like a coward. You had the affair, well accept the consequences for it or divorce. There is no middle ground here.

 

Move on. You have an unrealistic expectation and you re-writing the history of the marriage. Classic walk away spouse. You think the grass is greener? Have fun with that.

 

My heavens what has society come to, a bunch of selfish, self centred whining babies. Get over yourself and commit to the marriage 110% or man up and divorce.

[robf1971]

My heavens what has society come to, a bunch of selfish, self centred whining babies. Get over yourself and commit to the marriage 110% or man up and divorce.

 

Second that.

 

OP's just blaming his wife for all woes. I think he should take a pen and paper and write down everything wrong with himself, instead of moaning about his poor wife. Then actually try to change himself for the better.

[sally4sara]

I haven't had contact with the OW since the affair ended 6 months ago.

 

I've been through counseling with her and endured a lot of hateful things said about me. Yes I had an affair but was accused of never being there for her to help with the kids and had non-sense drug up from as far back as high school on fidelity issues. I have even been accused of financial infidelity because of travel expenses.

 

She has access to all my email/laptop/home computer and checks my browser history constantly. She reviews every credit card expense, I told her I went shopping at WalMart in the city which the OW lived because WalMart was close to the airport. Bill showed up and we debated the shopping trip.

 

Every time I get a phone call, email or text I always get the 'who was that' look and have gotten to the point of showing her my phone anytime I receive any message alert.

 

I'm not running off to the OW (that's over) and abandoning her and the boys. I have talked with the boys and explained what is going on. Hardest thing I've ever done but both said thank you for being honest with me about this.

 

I realize I had the affair and I ended it. I went to counseling to repair things and have worked on this. Go to counseling after an affair and have everything laid out in the open and then tell me I haven't tried. We've tried date nights, day trips to local museums and weekend getaways.

 

I have discussed separation/divorce with my wife and she responses we just need to try harder. She wants me to call her yet when I do if I don't create the conversation we have the long pauses.

 

I realize having the career that I do does not lend to a stable home life but I was there for the family. When I was at home I got up everyday to get the kids out the door for school, volunteered at school, did the cooking and did all the sports/events to relieve her and give her time off. We went 15 years before we spent a night alone together, I asked but it was always what if the kids need us? Yes, the children are important but you can't abandon the marriage for that long and assume it will all fall back in place.

 

The grilling sessions are probably no fun at all but are the byproduct of your actions. You've shown yourself to be untrustworthy. Not liking the situation I can understand, but looking at it as part of why you are not enjoying your marriage now and wish to leave is a bit backwards. Might as well say you just don't want to deal with the mess you made.

 

And holding up the lack of sex for why you cheated - well she wasn't getting laid either and didn't excuse herself from fidelity over it. The fact is you had the opportunity and chose to take it. Now she has to wonder about every opportunity you might come across until you show you're different. How is that going to happen if you're only 6 months out of the affair and already tired of being held accountable for it?

 

I think you're still in the fog. That, in combination with being watched like a hawk is making it hard to feel at ease. Being ill at ease is making you want to seek a safe harbor from your actions elsewhere - you know, like the arms of someone else who cares not at all about your kids or the years of investment already put into your marriage. Life is tough after an extended vacation in fantasy land. Is it too tough to be a responsible adult and mend this mess? That's up to you.