I do? or I don't?

[optimisticgirl]

Lets call my limbo lover Patrick.

 

Patrick and I were engaged and living together: sweet puppy, lodge home, great jobs, loving families, well educated, a strong relationship. Planning a wedding for goodness sake!

 

One evening, after a few weeks of Patrick showing signs of pulling away (that i so easily recognize, as he has done it a few times before) I decided to speak up. I spoke up in a very big way. We don't need to go into details of that. Lets just say it was a very dramatic scene...I moved out. Gave back the ring. All very, very, very hasty on my part. An over-reaction, to the max.

 

Its been about a month. He has apologized, said he was sorry for pulling away, he knows it was him. That he loves me, he needs me, he knows we could have a successful future - he's scared that he will end up pulling away again, and that he will hurt me, and that he doesn't know how everything will work out with me moving back in, but he can't picture life without me. However, and this is the kicker....he asks "this time can we take it slow?" I agreed to take it slow, relieved that he recognized that he was not making me a priority. And recognizing that it was my over-reaction that drove all of this to happen in the first place.

 

So. Friday & Saturday go off without a hitch, things are great...he's cooking for me, we're working as a team with random life responsibilites, its all fine and good. Sunday morning, he gets upset..overwhelmed with all of the emotions of "how to fix this". I calm him down...tell him its okay to feel doubt and nervousness...that we are all human. And to just take a deep breath. He does this. Thanks me for being the balance he needs in his life, and we continue on with a nice sunday.

 

Monday - I have night class, he messages me that he wants to cook for me tonight and he can't wait until i get hom..it was a cold, long, snowy day...I come home and he has made breakfast for dinner (my fav) - we eat, snuggle, do homework...laugh, converse about the world.

 

Tuesday - We wake up and eat breakfast, walk the dog, have coffee together, he cleans off the cars and shovels the walk while I pick up the house and do the dishes. It's all great, musics on, suns shining. As we a both driving in seperate cars to leave for the work day...some guy yells at me for not driving fast enough (real jerk. it was an icestorm.) Patrick...gets out of his car, screams to the guy "DONT TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT".

 

In the afternoon, he calls...after an argument with his mother, asks that I calm him down...because Im the only one who can do that. I do, we laugh, and he tells me that he can't wait to see me when I get home. I feel all warm and fuzzy, and continue my work day/school day.

 

Heres where the confusion comes in:I get out of class, go to the house, he's not there? My phone is dead to I can't call him. So I just go to my parents house (this is where I have been staying since I moved out.)

 

Turn on my phone after a shower, he messages, "this isn't taking it slow, i feel like we are married again, i love you, but i don't think you should come over tonight."

 

I call, confused. I open up the conversation very positively...he laughs at what i tell him, I act completely fine that he doesn't want me to stay over even though its eating me up inside...because LIMBO does not WORK.

 

MIND YOU - all weekend...ALL weekend...he talks about future plans, valentines day, my birthday, this summer, ski trip we were planning on making, making plans with friends for THIS WEEKEND.

 

The problem is...I just don't think its fair that I have to sit on the edge of my seat waiting just in case he changes his mind. And obviously it happens quickly ...in the morning its "dont talk to my wife like that", in the afternoon its, "babe i need ya, cant want til you get home"....and then in the evening its "dont come over."

 

WHATS A GIRL TO DO? Just wait? I love him...but when does the back and forth stop? Its killing me to know then not know, and having an effect on my family. Do I not stand for it and just let it go? I don't really want to do that. Or do I wait it out and let him realize he's being an idiot for all this limbo BS?

 

I just feel like...okay...even if tonight I go over and everythings OK - I'll just be waiting for him to pull out the rug again.

 

Or am I just over reacting...and staying at my parents for the night is not a big deal. Or is it a big deal, since we were going to get married?

 

I love him. You need to know that. This man has a direct line to my heart. Keeps me balanced as well. We've been together for 3 years.

[optimisticgirl]

I need some help loveshack!

 

I went over to Patricks last night and we had a very eye opening converstaion.

 

He said, that he has a hard time trusting people due to experiences of being let down in the past.

 

Past experiences include: being raped and being left by his ex-wife who cheated on him and had a baby with another man. Also his mother telling him that he will only amount to trailer trash no matter how much he has tried.

 

This man is WAY more than that. He was honorably discharged from the service, he has supported me through thick and thin, he graduated with honors from a top university. He lights up my world. It hurts me that he thinks of himself like this. And even when I try to pep him up it only works for a moment. (At the moment anyhow.)

 

He said that he doesn't know how to get over the anger of these experiences and that me being so close to him makes him want to push me away because he is afraid that I will let him down in some way. He says being a prick to me is easier, so that I just go away.

 

On the other side, he says he is scared that I WILL quit him and WILL give up and his fear of trusting another person who leaves him will come true. ...but that he wants me to quit so I don't get hurt. Because he doesn't know how to stop being so angry and doesn't want to take it out on me. That I should just leave him to his anger. That he is expecting me to quit.

 

The minute I go to leave, he asks me to stay.

 

Im so confused. I do not want to quit. I trust in him that things will be just fine. I believe in him. He is a good person. Ive felt his love and he doesn't deserve for another person to quit him. I want him to know that he can trust me, and that I won't quit on him. I see the good in him, even when he is acting like a jerk...

 

I've suggest therapy, he won't do it.