Lada Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Hey everyone, I was with my ex for 4 years, 2 of them online and very long distance. We lived together for the other 2 years. The situation we were in was.. wrong for me, so we both decided it would be best if I moved back home, and I did. Keeping that vague but the break up was mutual. That was 5 months ago now. My problem is, when I got home, he started no contact for like 3 months because it 'hurt to talk to me and not be with me', which was fair enough, but I messaged him weekly, pouring my heart out until I finally asked him to block me on everything so I couldn't write to him anymore. 2 or so weeks after that, he wrote to me saying we could be friends and he likes me as a person and would rather have me in his life. I was furious and told him off for ignoring me for so long and being a dick. Gah, I know, he was hurting and I should have tried to be nice, but I couldn't. Anyhow, 2 weeks after that, some of our mutual friends online were chatting and I spoke to my ex again asking if he wanted to try to be friends and he was okay with that so long as I didn't make 'narcotic assumptions'. Well, it's back to him making no effort to talk to me and I am pretty sure I'm just annoying him by making any effort. I really want to get over him but I don't want to tell him I want to stop talking to him. Do I just fade out? I want to ask him so badly if he thinks we'd ever get back together, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that. So basically, after breaking no contact and trying to be friends, how do I bow out gracefully for my own sanity? And should I try to get closure from him when he's the type of guy who just doesn't express his feelings or just leave it all as it is and appear offline to him/delete him (again). Sorry if I sound crazy, I've just had enough of caring about someone who doesn't care in return. I guess I have to start from the very beginning of the break up again but without messaging him.
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 You care less. It's the peson who cares the least, who controls the most. While you're snapping back and forth on the elastc band, he's actually got you exactly where he wants you. Pandering to his whims and desires. Go completely No Contact. The only closure you will ever get, is the one you give yourself. He won't give it to you, and even if he did, it would never be the one you want. Closure, satisfaction, peace of mind and serenity all come from you. Read the NC guide in my signature, and stick to it. 100% Don't ask "yes, but", "What if" or anything else. It's all excuses. Just do it.
TheThinker Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Hey everyone, I was with my ex for 4 years, 2 of them online and very long distance. We lived together for the other 2 years. The situation we were in was.. wrong for me, so we both decided it would be best if I moved back home, and I did. Keeping that vague but the break up was mutual. That was 5 months ago now. My problem is, when I got home, he started no contact for like 3 months because it 'hurt to talk to me and not be with me', which was fair enough, but I messaged him weekly, pouring my heart out until I finally asked him to block me on everything so I couldn't write to him anymore. 2 or so weeks after that, he wrote to me saying we could be friends and he likes me as a person and would rather have me in his life. I was furious and told him off for ignoring me for so long and being a dick. Gah, I know, he was hurting and I should have tried to be nice, but I couldn't. Anyhow, 2 weeks after that, some of our mutual friends online were chatting and I spoke to my ex again asking if he wanted to try to be friends and he was okay with that so long as I didn't make 'narcotic assumptions'. Well, it's back to him making no effort to talk to me and I am pretty sure I'm just annoying him by making any effort. I really want to get over him but I don't want to tell him I want to stop talking to him. Do I just fade out? I want to ask him so badly if he thinks we'd ever get back together, but I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that. So basically, after breaking no contact and trying to be friends, how do I bow out gracefully for my own sanity? And should I try to get closure from him when he's the type of guy who just doesn't express his feelings or just leave it all as it is and appear offline to him/delete him (again). Sorry if I sound crazy, I've just had enough of caring about someone who doesn't care in return. I guess I have to start from the very beginning of the break up again but without messaging him. Sorry if I sound crazy, I've just had enough of caring about someone who doesn't care in return. I guess I have to start from the very beginning of the break up again but without messaging him ok so first and foremost lets get this out of your head - YOU ARE NOT CRAZY You have said it yourself - You need to start at the beginning of the break up and pick everything up from there. You need to let go of this now - messaging him pouring your heart on a weekly basis out is doing nothing but pushing him further and further away. Over 5 months thats a lot of attempted contact and you have got nothing back from him. I am sorry to say this but this has gone on probably too long and its almost too late to save anything in the relationship now. Even writing that breaks MY heart ... I am so sorry but i think if you dont get the truth now then you wont be able to move on. Closure would be nice for each and every person that has their heart broken but unfortunately some people just arent willing to give that aspect to other people. You may get closure in the future but its not going to happen if you carry on as you are. You mentioned that you feel that you are annoying him, he is just probably trying to block it out. If you have contacted him every week for 5 months as you say (ok it may not be every week, i dont know) but this is bordering on the obsessive. Its time to go no contact. Its time to let him lead his life and concentrate on you living yours. Your feelings are still too strong for you to be friends yet. Maybe you can be friends in the future but its certainly not achievable the way you feel at the moment and your actions alone should be able to tell you that. If you feel like you want to contact him again then just remember that you are not ready to be friends yet. Try and get used to that feeling...Yes i know how hard that is to even contemplate, a lot of people on here are trying to come to terms with that but its part of the acceptance. So - No contact - Close yourself off from him as he has to you. Dont rely on him blocking you, block yourself. Hide his facebook profile, block his e-mail address, delete his number. None of these are going to help Get on with what you want to do with your life... throw yourself into new things. Many people recommend the gym or a class. Its time to contact your friends and involve yourself with them. They say that a true friend can pick up where you left off without any judgement of the past. Get close to them again - let them start to help you enjoy yourself and get away from these feelings ... Find something new. If you are going to go out drinking with them or anything make sure you have done what i said about deleting the phone numbers etc because you will wake up feeling worse if you do, do something If you need to use this board as a place to air your feelings, your progress, how you are feeling. Some days will be harder than others (i can certainly testify to that today) but you will get over this (I am assured by others)
Author Lada Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Thank you guys for replying. The hardest thing was that I came back home to no friends. I'd only moved here 2 years or so before I moved to the other side of the world for him. I've been trying very hard to move on, walking daily and new job. Enrolled in a college course, learning to drive etc. It's just been really hard. When I was writing my first post, I realised how bad it would have been for him, when I was messaging all the time. He told me he cried every time I wrote and that he's been trying to keep busy so he doesn't think so much about me. I've gone back and forth from talking to him and cutting him off and I think he'll be waiting for it this time again. This poor guy. It's just very hard, since we can't talk verbally as he doesn't think it would be a good idea for him. I'll really try no contact and will read your guide after I've posted this, Tara. I guess when I'm feeling bad, I'll come on here and ask you guys. I just wish I found this site earlier so I knew not to hurt him and myself as much as I did by messaging him so much initially. Thanks again you two.
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