Meeting a guy from POF. Tons of chemistry but might cancel due to a FAT red flag!

February 2, 2011

I have a full body shot on POF. Well, it's to my knees. And it's a good shot, I mean, no one would post a pic where they looked like a fat cow.

So, I'll back up.....in the last year I've lost forty pounds. I was in a miserable marriage and really let myself go, but now I'm feeling really good. I still have about 25 lbs to lose.

I've been talking to a guy every night from POF and we're really getting along well. We're flirty, we talk a lot about work (I worked in the industry for 10 yrs, and am looking to go back). He's very supportive and sweet and funny. He's complimentary of my smile, my eyes, my hair. He even told me he feels like a high school kid when talking to me.

But there's one thing........he's my height. 5'10". And he's a soccer player, so he's really lean. My extra 25 lbs (that I'm really working on) has never been an issue with guys I've met because they're always taller and bigger than me........but he's not.

What is making me self conscience is that he continues to bring up the fact that his ex wife gained a lot of weight in their marriage. She couldn't wear a bathing suit, etc. etc. (she was also only 5'2"). He also keeps making comments about overweight women, and asking me if my pictures are recent. "You're not like three times your size in those pics, right".

Obviously weight (or size) is a really big deal to him......making him seem really shallow, and making me really uncomfortable. (however, a person cannot help what they're attracted to, I get that).

Our first date is Friday night. Like I said, we've talked every night for five nights and there really is a connection......except when he brings up weight.

So, should I tell him before we meet that his obsession with a woman's weight is bothering me......that I'm no super model (I've said that I'm not where I want to be weight wise, but that I'm working on it). He told me last night he was nervous about our meeting because he didn't want to "be sold a bag of goods" via the internet, like he'd heard of happening so many times before. I asked him specifically what he meant and he wouldn't say. That kind of thing really makes me uneasy. Is he a shallow jerk, and should I run away now??

Again....just wondering if I should let him know his comments have made me uncomfortable and self conscience......or, go on the date and see if I feel (and if he looks at me ) like I'm a sasquatch.

February 2, 2011

This is why it is best to meet people in person before building any type of attachment.

February 2, 2011

I wouldn't worry about it excessively. He has seen a recent full body shot of you, so there won't be any surprises. People tend to look heavier in pictures than in real life, anyway. (Wait, this IS a recent pic, right, and not a pic from 5 years ago when you weighed 150 rather than 180?)

I don't think that 25 pounds on a 5'10" frame is going to make you look roly-poly or like a fat cow or anything. Most guys couldn't estimate weight of a woman if they had to.

Go and have fun, with zero expectations.

While it may seem shallow, people like what they like. If fitness, activity and health are very important to hm, then it would be very hard for him to be attracted to an overweight, sedentary person. I have known women who refuse to date a guy who is less than 6', and that just drives me bonkers.

February 2, 2011

Going on a date with the guy is fine. Just make sure to let him know that his constant comments about weight are bothering you. Good communication is key. Once you meet him in person you will get a better understanding of his personality.

February 2, 2011

I suggest meeting him but make sure you ask some questions face-to-face about what sort of woman he's looking for, and if he doesn't mention it then specifically ask about what body-shape(s) he finds attractive (or "compatible" if you want a less emotive word).

If he finds you attractive then it won't matter anyway, and if he doesn't find you attractive then this might not be the issue, but listen to what he says.

February 2, 2011

This might be a bit of a red flag. If he is that obsessive/concerned about weight, would he still like you if you gained 5lbs, 10, or 20?

I think it's important to listen to how he talks about his ex-wife's weight gain during their marriage. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone having a preference, but people change appearance wise and you wouldn't want to be with someone if they suddenly didn't want to be with you if you gained some weight.

February 2, 2011

Firstly, 25lbs on your height is not that much. My current bf underestimated my weight by 30lbs (I am 5'9" tall) and he saw me in a bikini, naked and he lifted me up few times. So men have no clue.

Secondly, the way this guy talks is a bit of a worry. It would be bothersome to me. I not even thinking about the first date but would you be comfortable taking your clothes off in front this guy? I tend to avoid guys that talk like that like a plague. To the point where I shut down and never want to talk to them again.

February 2, 2011

He told me last night he was nervous about our meeting because he didn't want to "be sold a bag of goods" via the internet, like he'd heard of happening so many times before. I asked him specifically what he meant and he wouldn't say. That kind of thing really makes me uneasy. Is he a shallow jerk, and should I run away now??

Honest answer? Yes, you should run away.

Trust your instincts.

The bit I've bolded is what concerns me most. If somebody really likes you they are obviously going to be nervous about meeting for the first time but not because they're worried about being 'sold a bag of goods'. That just sounds 'nasty' to me. If he was good guy he'd be nervous about meeting you because he's worried you won't like him not the other way around.

If you do 'meet with his approval' and he decides to 'buy the goods', can you imagine how you'll feel? Don't you think you'll spend every minute worrying about your weight and jumping on and off the scales - so you don't risk losing him or turning him off? That isn't healthy or desirable for somebody like yourself who has obviously worked hard to get back in shape.

I would tell him straight that you don't think you're the right person for him. You'll be far happier with a guy who thinks you're just great - 25lbs heavier or not.

February 2, 2011

Honest answer? Yes, you should run away.

Trust your instincts.

The bit I've bolded is what concerns me most. If somebody really likes you they are obviously going to be nervous about meeting for the first time but not because they're worried about being 'sold a bag of goods'. That just sounds 'nasty' to me. If he was good guy he'd be nervous about meeting you because he's worried you won't like him not the other way around.

If you do 'meet with his approval' and he decides to 'buy the goods', can you imagine how you'll feel? Don't you think you'll spend every minute worrying about your weight and jumping on and off the scales - so you don't risk losing him or turning him off? That isn't healthy or desirable for somebody like yourself who has obviously worked hard to get back in shape.

I would tell him straight that you don't think you're the right person for him. You'll be far happier with a guy who thinks you're just great - 25lbs heavier or not.

Ditto.

A guy should like you for you, whether you're 10, 20, or 25 lbs overweight. You're not losing weight for him, you're losing weight for yourself. If you have to compromise your integrity to please someone else, then you're better off dating someone whom you're extremely comfortable with

February 2, 2011

Right. It's not just about your weight; his comments are a set-up for a very difficult meeting. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT be able to "go and have fun" as others have suggested.

I am not sure you need to run away, but I would probably tell this guy that all of his comments have made you uncomfortable. You are now entering into this meeting worrying about whether you will meet his criteria, rather than whether the two of you will hit it off. How can you enjoy that? Especially with your own concerns about your weight independent of this guy.

It's insulting for him to tell you that he thinks you might be "selling a bag of goods." Makes him look like a jerk. Tell him that.

My advice is to tell him all that, and cancel this meet. If he decides that he better not let a potentially good thing slip away, he can invite you another time. Or else he can walk.

I HATE this kind of talk about weight. And, I agree that it's perfectly fine to "like what you like" including only being attracted to slender people. I am not attracted to fat men myself. It's the way he is setting you up that bugs.

February 2, 2011

Right. It's not just about your weight; his comments are a set-up for a very difficult meeting. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT be able to "go and have fun" as others have suggested.

I am not sure you need to run away, but I would probably tell this guy that all of his comments have made you uncomfortable. You are now entering into this meeting worrying about whether you will meet his criteria, rather than whether the two of you will hit it off. How can you enjoy that? Especially with your own concerns about your weight independent of this guy.

It's insulting for him to tell you that he thinks you might be "selling a bag of goods." Makes him look like a jerk. Tell him that.

My advice is to tell him all that, and cancel this meet. If he decides that he better not let a potentially good thing slip away, he can invite you another time. Or else he can walk.

I HATE this kind of talk about weight. And, I agree that it's perfectly fine to "like what you like" including only being attracted to slender people. I am not attracted to fat men myself. It's the way he is setting you up that bugs.

Yup. This. All of it.

February 2, 2011

I would probably choose not to meet the guy. He sounds negative, critical and body-obsessed, traits I do not find attractive and do not feel compatible with. JMO.

February 2, 2011

Right. It's not just about your weight; his comments are a set-up for a very difficult meeting. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT be able to "go and have fun" as others have suggested.

I am not sure you need to run away, but I would probably tell this guy that all of his comments have made you uncomfortable. You are now entering into this meeting worrying about whether you will meet his criteria, rather than whether the two of you will hit it off. How can you enjoy that? Especially with your own concerns about your weight independent of this guy.

It's insulting for him to tell you that he thinks you might be "selling a bag of goods." Makes him look like a jerk. Tell him that.

My advice is to tell him all that, and cancel this meet. If he decides that he better not let a potentially good thing slip away, he can invite you another time. Or else he can walk.

I HATE this kind of talk about weight. And, I agree that it's perfectly fine to "like what you like" including only being attracted to slender people. I am not attracted to fat men myself. It's the way he is setting you up that bugs.

I agree with this as well. You are already left feeling inadequate and uncomfortable via the internet, don't take yourself out to be made to feel that way IRL.

February 2, 2011

My advice is to tell him all that, and cancel this meet. If he decides that he better not let a potentially good thing slip away, he can invite you another time. Or else he can walk.

Hmm. I'm not so sure. If the same man came here and described his 'version' of events up to the point where the woman cancels the date without suggesting a replacement day/time he would probably get the advice in this forum that he shouldn't invite her to another date because she flaked on him.

February 2, 2011

Is the pic he has seen a recent one? I personally find it a bit deceptive when people use old pictures of themselves whilst online dating and can see where he is coming from. If you were selling something on ebay you have to show the product in its true light according to the T&C to avoid misselling. Same applies here.

But he does sounds like he's banging on about it a little too much, so dump him and move on, there are so many more online guys!!

February 2, 2011

Its online dating.... U know, so yeah weight physical appearance sight unseen is a big deal.. I would say from all the comments Ive read that it sounds like your on the borderline in your most recent pic of what he would consider ideal or "within range" so yeah a fluctuation of say 10-20 pounds could make a difference. Sounds kinda like a flag to me and the fact that he hasnt asked you to send some more recent pics to him confirms to me that hes on the fence trying to figure out if its something he should proceed with given the info he has at this point.

It be one thing if this was just sort of working out to be a random come over and hook up type deal.. But if you two are talking public meetup in order to evaluate relationship material or not id say its a big deal..

My prediction..... Is that before said meetup hes gonna ask for another picture "recent" and youll see how into your personality he is at that point.

February 2, 2011

Thanks everyone. I have to agree with the majority of the posts on here. It just seems weird that he would be putting so much emphasis on body size.

We were talking about how many men post pictures of themselves on POF - half naked, standing in front of the mirror with a camera and a serious "i'm a stud" face ......and how stupid that is.

So, this morning, he sent me one. I knew it was a joke, but still.......I responded with just "better post this on POF".

We've chatted back and forth since about other things, and I just got a message from him that read "hope I didn't scare you with the picture as it was sooo in a joking manner and not in arrogance.......i just thought of this".

I responded, "I know it was a joke.....at least I HOPE it was a joke".

Him, "yeah, but u see I'm not a fat hairy b*stard. I am in shape slightly and my gut isn't round".

This just makes me so unconfortable. Even if he IS joking.....why constantly bring it up? Is HE self conscience??? Insecure???

I responded "If you think you're going to get a half naked "joking" picture of me, you're sadly mistaken ;)"

He said "absolutely not, and that's not what i was going for. maybe there will be that physical attraction to share the real deal".

I think I have to pull the reins on this.......

February 2, 2011

He's probably well-intentioned, but clueless as to how the dance really goes between men and women in dating.

Example: You probably don't want a guy who is unemployed and lazy, but you don't grill him on his career and ambitions right off. You might be looking for a serious relationship, but you don't press him for commitment right away. It's too soon for that. You can pick up where he is headed in life from talking with him, and save the serious discussions for later.

Edited February 2, 2011 by Imajerk17

February 2, 2011

He sounds obnoxious and self absorbed.. I would not bother to meet this guy

February 2, 2011

He sounds like an idiot!

February 2, 2011

I responded, "I know it was a joke.....at least I HOPE it was a joke".

Him, "yeah, but u see I'm not a fat hairy b*stard. I am in shape slightly and my gut isn't round".

This just makes me so unconfortable. Even if he IS joking.....why constantly bring it up? Is HE self conscience??? Insecure???

I responded "If you think you're going to get a half naked "joking" picture of me, you're sadly mistaken ;)"

He said "absolutely not, and that's not what i was going for. maybe there will be that physical attraction to share the real deal".

I think I have to pull the reins on this.......

I think you're right to pull the reins. It would make be very uncomfortable as well, and I don't have your weight history. I think your reaction is perfectly normal.

I think what he's trying to do is almost like laying down expectations and ground rules. "I'm fit, so you better be too. And if someday you're not, you're on notice that I'll leave you so fast you won't even see my dust."

It's that latter part that would make me cancel the meet up.

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Meeting a guy from POF. Tons of chemistry but might cancel due to a FAT red flag!

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