Movingthrough Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Figured this would be a good discussion. We have a lot of good posters in here who have been through the ringer, and some who are starting or ending when it comes to the breakup process. I find myself wondering sometimes if the only way you can get over someone is by someone else, but i know that isnt true. I have had a rough few days, to be honest i dont even know why it just has been. What made me think of posting this is yesterday i was eating at a restaurant and my buddy texted me saying whats up, i texted him back saying i wasnt having the greatest day when it came to the ex. We talked about it for a min and that was it. I remember looking back down at the text on the screen and thinking "wow, is this really what it has come too?". I felt like a kid, always thinking about this girl, when in reality, it doesnt matter anymore. I feel like that was on of the spokes in the wheel to getting over this. So to all you break up vets, did you just wake up on day and forget about it? A special time and place where you "broke free"? Met someone else? When did you hit that point??
ResetInput Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) Well this is just happening to me i think. Quick background: 1 year and a half of unofficial relationship (started as f**kbuddy thing, got deeper), she quit it for another guy (she and all our mutual friends who she told, said she doesnt know why she did it), started contacting me all the time, admitted she made a bad mistake, left the guy instantly, made her almost beg me, i slowly let her back in my life, figured now would be the time to make it a real official relationship or nothing, asked her (which totally surprised her as we always agreed we wouldnt be "official", got a "i dont know" blahblah) and now i am here. Pissed off, got all the right red flags and i hit the point of "logic over heart" type of thing after that. Mind that i was slowly but steadily healing with NC over the period (first sadness then hate and then a sort of "indifference") in which she was with him. She told me she needed me back and is going to fix this **** (dumping him), which took quite a while as she was at home in another city prepping for exams etc. I gave her time i guess. She dumped him the same day i was ready to call it quits and remove her from my life permanently. I said ok and gave it a shot (i wasnt ready to just throw it all away back in my mind, it was just too special, the first girl i ve ever had this kind of feelings for). Now, by having a few dates which went great with her, i am slowly realizing that this is not what i really need in my life (a somewhat emotionally retarded girl). Logic overrides heart...but i learned a lot about myself in this process, i could say i upgraded my emotional awareness (or whatever you would call it.) The main point of this is that by asking her to be official with me now and not getting a clear answer, made me think and realize this isn't going anywhere. Time for a new chapter in my life. Edited February 2, 2011 by ResetInput
z00m25 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 probably took me 2+ years to get over her the first time, now we recently rebroke up 4 weeks ago and i get to start all over again, and shes handling it the same way she did the first time haha. only difference is now i live in another state and have none of my friends to hang out and help me get over it. but i do now believe she is someone with NPD and i have done my best to accept that she is not coming back yet again. I'm doing alot better than i thought i ever would but my mood is so different then how i used to feel i dont know how to explain it but i think i miss having a relationship now more than i actually miss her.
0hpenelope Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) I got bored thinking of it all the time. No, really! I got tired of thinking of the same thing over and over again. I mean, I struggled with the finality of everything. I knew he wasn't going to call, but a small part of me would wish that he would and then one day, I had the same thought about him not calling and I actually told myself "Yeah. He hasn't called. You've been feeling like this for almost a month and he really hasn't called. So what?" Yeah. He hasn't thought of me, but knowing that hasn't killed me. I feel like I'm being so silly just holding on to something that's not there anymore. I still have my days, but they're not as bad. It's really my friends who help me feel better and not the ex coming back. Even if he came back, we're just bound to make the same mistakes the first relationship and I do not want that at all. Better a long time apart than a quick fix of getting back together out of desperation, missing each other, etc. This is about the most recent ex, by the way, and not the ex that brought me to Loveshack. That one... is an entirely different creature. Edited February 2, 2011 by 0hpenelope
suddendumpee Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I think its a about regaining your confidence and repairing your bruised ego. Could be getting that job you want? Getting into shape? Setting goals and achieving them? For me it was when I was approached at a bar by a much younger/attractive girl who I then took home that evening Haha. Seems shallow, but that was the moment I realized that I'm not totally over my ex, but that I still "got it" and there are many other options out there. I'm hoping this is a sign of a fantastic Summer as a single man.
Fern Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 It took a good 5 months - and I'm still not positive I won't have a relapse, but I think this upturn is real. This past week or two my healing has just speeded up SO much. It's almost exactly 6 months since I moved out and I feel like I'm just about there. I don't feel any pain when I think about him anymore but it's only in the past few days I've started to not care whether his new relationship lasts. I was obsessed with hoping it was going badly for SO long - it's odd to wake up one day and actually think 'Who the hell cares?' I think I might actually have just BORED myself of the subject. One of my best friends told me it would take me 6 months to feel better in the first week of the split and I CLUNG to that. Maybe that's why - bang on 6 months on - I find myself feeling positive and content with my lot in a way I haven't been since BEFORE I met him. :-D
cerridwen Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 So to all you break up vets, did you just wake up one day and forget about it? A special time and place where you "broke free"? Met someone else? When did you hit that point?? Having been through terrible breakups before, I knew I'd have to work for that moment. That entailed controlling my fantasies about what COULD be. I stopped indulging my dreams of him changing. Rebound relationships aren't the answer. It only made it worse for me. Instead of concentrating on the present pain, I kept looking at the future--as in what would happen if we stayed together/reconciled. What would be the reality of daily life? I didn't romanticize. Life together would have been constant stress and drama. We were caught in a loop that just kept playing over and over. Anytime I felt nostalgic or overwhelmed, I'd play out our future in my head. I let go of the "If only he'd..." and accepted that he wasn't going to. By focusing on the reality--and not on the fantasy in where I only revisited great memories--I've been moving on.
babybear Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 In my previous relationship I think I finally was "over it" when I realized that I had returned back to my normal life-loving self. He had cheated on me 1 yr into the relationship, and I took him back, but spent the next few years totally transformed into someone I am not! Jealous, suspicious, etc. I remember one day kind of just being like wow...look how far I've come...I never in a million years thought I would move on. In my CURRENT relationship, which just ended a few days ago (sigh) - I'm very much not over it yet...but I got the strength to walk away because again I stopped recognizing myself! I just wanted to stay true to myself.
babybear Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I think its a about regaining your confidence and repairing your bruised ego. Could be getting that job you want? Getting into shape? Setting goals and achieving them? Couldn't agree with you more! Setting small goals and achieving them is such a great way to start feeling good about yourself again!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I went out with a guy for a few months before I met my husband. Our relationship was somewhat volatile, we just weren't right for each other and fought constantly. I was very devasted over this breakup for some reason, even though it was only like a 3 month relationship. I was in love with him though (or thought I was?) so it hurt more because I had become emotionally attached. Anyway, I was depressed for a month or two and then met my husband. So I didn't view him as a rebound, I had already morned the loss of the relationship, cried, ect. But meeting my husband helped me "forget him" completely, and gave me that extra push I needed. Now this was a fairly short term relationship so it took me less time to get over it. My previous relationship before that was 3 years, and it was a very rough breakup even though I did the dumping. He had lied to me and manipulated me to the point where I couldn't take it. I finally broke up with him but was still in love with him and wanted to be with him. I somehow thought that he could "change." 9 months later I realized it wasn't going to happen and took about 4 more months of grieving prior to meeting 3 month relationship guy. So in short, I have always taken time after a breakup to regroup and get over the person, I have never used anyone as a rebound. But what finally gave me the completely "over the edge" was starting to talk to other guys. But I would say you need to make sure that before you go meeting someone else, you no longer have feelings for the ex and barely think about them.
Author Movingthrough Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 For me it was when I was approached at a bar by a much younger/attractive girl who I then took home that evening Haha Yeah i know...thanks for rubbing that in again It does have to do a lot to do with confidence, and thats what pisses me off so much. I have never....NEVER had problems being by myself, being confident and moving the hell on, for some reason though she really messed me up. I read once in a book though that every time that crap pops up in your head, stop, and think how realistic it is, actually helped for me a lot. Its like how many times do i have to relive the same thoughts over and over?
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 In my experience, I don't really get over one person I was in love with until I fall in love with someone else. Just dating someone else isn't enough; I actually have to love them in order to get over my previous love. The first time I fell in love, I didn't get over it for eleven years. I dated in between but never fell in love. After that it took me just over two years to fall in love again and forget about the last guy.
Trovador Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 When NC stops being a b*** he he... Well, when absence is kind of smooth, I mean it doesn't seem imposed or sought after, it's nothing you or the other party or Destiny did, it's just because this time it wasn't possible... It's when you are, if not glad, satisfied with how things turned out... And you are fine with being by yourself, not matter if you go to the gym, learn another ability or just do nothing... you are fine being without he/she... Then you stop loving and hating your ex...
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 When you stop wanting to contact him/her When you stop hoping to hear from him/her When you stop checking up on him/her, whether it's through friends, Facebook, etc. When you stop bringing up him/her in conversation, no matter how tenuous the link When you no longer feel the urge to perform yet another post-mortem on the relationship When you can smile or laugh at a mind movie without a pang of pain or regret When you stop thinking about what could have been and remember what was When you no longer trigger When you get bored talking about it When you hear/see that they're with someone else and it doesn't burn you with the ferocity of a thousand suns When you start noticing all the other opportunities When you suddenly realise that a week, month, year has gone by and you haven't thought about him/her and you don't give in to curiosity to check up on them When you ask "is he/she good enough?" rather than "am I good enough?" When your friends tell you that you are "glowing"
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