confused8 Posted March 23, 2004 Posted March 23, 2004 I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. We hit it off almost immediately and he expressed his feelings for me within a month of us dating. He is self employed and has to work 7 days a week. On top of that he recently got a boat that needs repair and he said that he got the boat because he likes fitting boat and it helps to take his mind off his business. My problem is that we only see each other 3 nights a week and I wanted to spend more time together. I told him about my concern and he keeps saying that he has already spent all his free time with me and he doesnt understand why I am complaining. My past relationship lasted a very long time (7 years) , and I promised myself not to invest too much time and effort again on relationship that is not going anywhere. I know that 3 months maybe too early to tell about this relationship..but he did tell me that he broke off from his ex because he wanted to them to live together and she was not willing to move in with him. It is now getting to be point when I will always be the one to ask when we will be meeting next. Once I told him that he has so much going for him right now and that he doesnt need me around. He told me that he needs me and that he doesnt want to loose me. I am afraid that if I keep complaining about our lack of time together, we are not going to enjoy our time together which have been great so far. I want to move on if this is not going to work out and I dont want to waste too much time on someone who is too busy with his things. Am I being unreasonable?
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Posted March 23, 2004 Differing desires for companionship can be a big problem. Can you help him with his work or his boat? It is unlikely that he'll change his lifestyle for you if you are together; so I think you'll have to adjust to this sort of relationship or find someone who has more compatible companionship needs.
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Posted March 23, 2004 I personally think seeing someone 3 nights a week after dating for 3 months is more than sufficient. Just because someone wants to date you, doesn't mean they are ready to give up every moment to you. If you expect it or push for it.....you will probably lose that person. It's equally as important for you to also have a life away from him. You need friends and your own stuff to do. It's too much to ask someone to be your whole life. That becomes a big imposition and quite smothering. It's also not healthy. Fill your free time with some new activities....give him space....and let the relationship grow a little before trying to take more than he is willing to give.
Author confused8 Posted March 23, 2004 Author Posted March 23, 2004 Thanks Moimeme and Arabess for your opinions. Arabess, I know what you mean about smothering him. I do have my own life - I have a very responsible job which I enjoy and friends to do things with. Also, we dont really call each other on days we dont meet and even when we do talk on the phone, he is always the one to end the conversation saying that he is tired, he just got home, etc. Although, occasionally he called just to say that he missed me. He has been asking me to go with him on vacation in August this year. I have never given him an answer - always laughed it off as if he was joking. I dont really know if I can wait that long, with him giving me bits and pieces of his time. I really like him and we have quite a lot in common. Shall I wait for another few months and see if he will want to give up more of his time for me?
tattoomytoe Posted March 23, 2004 Posted March 23, 2004 i think 3 nights is good too. but it is all dependant on the specifics of each situation. like moi said, if it is not enough for you, maybe you should find someone with a compatible schedule (not always easy). but i would give it some more time. try to fix his boat with him. bring him dinner some nights(call first) little things...do ya'll talk on the phone when you do not meet up?
Author confused8 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 Just this morning I saw him online in the dating website where we first met. That means he is looking. Uptill last saturday night (the last time we met), he was telling me that I will not find anyone who loves me as much as he does...now he is looking for other women. He told me within a month of our dating that he wanted us to see each other exclusively, which I agreed to. What's up with that. I am suppose to meet him this evening. Please tell me what to do: Shall I call him to cancel the appointment and let him have his way out of the relationship if he so desire? Or shall I confront him and ask him to be honest?
Author confused8 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 Ok, you got me..I was checking on him. I have been feeling uneasy about the relationship recently.
Author confused8 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 I am already feeling like a Fool..Please make me feel worse. Just tell me what the right thing to do.
Girlie Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Ok, so you were checking in on him and you probably shouldn't have. We've all been there. If he's asked you to be exclusive, in my opinion, you have the right to ask him questions about this. If I were you, I would approach him about the subject. Perhaps he was on there to check up on you. You never know what he was doing until you ask him.
Author confused8 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 But how do I tell him without him knowing that I have checking on him. I think I should just call him and tell him that we should have a break for a few weeks with no contact - I am too afraid of being hurt again. What do you think. To think that he has been telling me that I am perfect for him, he needs me, etc..Why do people say these things within two months of knowing you? I just want to do the right thing and not look like I have been fooled. Help..
Girlie Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Well, if you're really that concerned, perhaps you are not ready for this relationship and you should let him know that, like you said. You could also approach him about the subject of exclusivity and ask him if that's what he really wants, if you don't want him to know that he was checking up on you. As for why he said you were perfect for him and he needs you....who knows. My mother is constantly reminding me that, as the Bible says, "Charm is decietful..." I've found a lot of times when a guy seems to know how to say all the right things, it's because he's said them before. Many times.
dolphinsunshyn Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 I have recently been going through kind of the same thing. After 3 months of dating, I got frustrated becuase he was busy and we didn't see each other for a couple of weeks. The more I questioned it the farther it pushed him away. Now there is a chance we'll never see each other again. As sweet and honest as they may seem, they don't like to talk about relationship stuff. If it appears that you are thinking about it too much you'll appear "needy" even though you may not be. That is what happened in my case. The fact that he is on the dating site again, tells me that he is feeling smothered. Even if things were going perfectly before (again, that was the case in my situation), he may want to just have fun now and not think about anything that resembles a "relationship". Give him some distance for a little while. Don't call him for a few days and don't ask him to spend any time with you anymore. Let him ask you from now on. Believe me, since this situation sounds like mine, I wish I would have done that. We may still be talking now. Although I never demanded any time from him, asking HIM out all the time was enough. I didn't seem like a challage anymore, becuase I was doing the pursuing. See my point? Let him chase you. Try to make things like they were when you first started dating. Good luck!
CurlyamI Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by confused8 But how do I tell him without him knowing that I have checking on him. I think I should just call him and tell him that we should have a break for a few weeks with no contact - I am too afraid of being hurt again. What do you think. To think that he has been telling me that I am perfect for him, he needs me, etc..Why do people say these things within two months of knowing you? I just want to do the right thing and not look like I have been fooled. Help.. I believe what scares you most is you're starting to fall for the guy - therefore you want an easy way out. Try and see what you feel, come to terms with it and then decide if you're gonna give him up or be a bit more patient. Seems to me he worths the effort though
Author confused8 Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 Thank you all. My gut feeling is that I dont trust him maybe because he was too smooth..you know, actually telling me I am what he is looking for in a serious relationship...and all that within a very short time of dating me. I suppose I got carried away by his talks... Now I dont know how I can face him without thinking about what I know he has been doing an hour ago..yes, I check on him again..he just called me to asked me what time I will be over, I said an hour later. Then I fired up my computer to check your messages but before that saw that he was on line!!!!! Oh...I dont think I can face him...
priscilla Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 I agree with Dolphinsunsyine Back off a bit and let him come to you. He will either wonder what the heck you are doing and begin to pursue you again, or you will not hear from him. If you don't hear from him you will have your answer. I was also in that situation and 11 months later when I finally confronted him, we weren't at the same place; he didn't want any kind of commitment. Go with your instincts on this. Each time I am in a relationship, I wished I would have gone with my instincts because I was right all of the time. The hard part is that they say all the right things and you question whether you should get out. I am not saying end it with him, but give him the space or just flat out ask him what is going on.
Author confused8 Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 I confronted him last night and he said that he only did it because he was mad with me for something I said to him the other night. I asked him what it was and he was evasive about it. I asked if we are exclusive and he said that as far as he is concerned, he has stopped seeing anyone else since he met me. I asked if he would take off his ad from the dating site and he said that he would do it as long as I say nice things to him, like telling him that he is special, etc. I checked the web site this morning and he did take it down. Do you think his excuse is lame especially when he could't tell me what it was that made him mad? Am I to believe him? He acted like it was no big deal ..in fact he laughed and asked me what was I doing there. I don't trust him especially after this. Am I wrong? A relationship should be easy not when you have to second guess each other. I am very tired of this game...why cant we all tell it like it is?
CurlyamI Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by confused8 "I confronted him last night and he said that he only did it because he was mad with me for something I said to him the other night. I asked him what it was and he was evasive about it. " This could have been just an excuse - your telling him "something". I also believe you should have pressed for an answer, just to make sure. "I asked if we are exclusive and he said that as far as he is concerned, he has stopped seeing anyone else since he met me. I asked if he would take off his ad from the dating site and he said that he would do it as long as I say nice things to him, like telling him that he is special, etc." Again, a relationship isn't working only when people tell nice things to each other. It should be about them liking each other so much that they want to be there for each other when times get ruff. This man told you he wants you as long as you pamper him... you draw the conclusions. "I checked the web site this morning and he did take it down. " Of course he did, what did you expect? When confronting a man about a matter as serious as this, you must have very clear in your head what you want from him, ask the right questions... I don't know how date sites go, but as far as I am concerned he can always post another ad and this time you shall never know. On the other hand, this could have happened anyway - looking around, I mean. To me what he did is particullary meaningful because it's not like he's checking out girls around him, at work or with his friends, he is posting 'I'm free' ads on to a site with supposedely single women looking for supposedely single men. "Do you think his excuse is lame especially when he could't tell me what it was that made him mad?" I do believe his excuse is lame... " Am I to believe him?" Sorry, you know best. Do exactly what you feel. And remember that answers like "I don't know" almost always are "no" " He acted like it was no big deal ..in fact he laughed and asked me what was I doing there. " He's a man, what did you expect him to do, break down and confess? "I don't trust him especially after this. Am I wrong? A relationship should be easy not when you have to second guess each other. I am very tired of this game...why cant we all tell it like it is? " You did try to confront him, he didn't seem to want to came clear... I am a bit more about listening to my instinct. Listen to yourself, see exactly what in his behaviour bothers you and at least you'll get some peace of mind. In the mean time my suggestion is to leave him alone, not to pressure him about the ad. And DECIDE if you want to continue or not your affair with him. If you do, than give him more space and start your conquering campaign - not your style, as I see from your posts, but it can be fun. It usually is, if you're not emotionally envolved. If you decide not to, stick to your decision. My opinion... he's not reliable, you'd better find somebody willing to start a relationship, not just dating. 'Cause that what you want, right? Be strong in the mean time!!! And tell us what happens next.
Author confused8 Posted March 31, 2004 Author Posted March 31, 2004 I still could not get over the fact that he was online checking out other women. I asked him Sunday night when we were having dinner, if he wanted to see other people. He answered, "NO! You're It. You're my girl. I don't want anyone else! I want you to be happy". After this talk, he seemed to make more suggestions that included me in the future - he showed me floor plan of a condo he bought which will be ready in June..and he asked me whether he should sell it or move into it. I said he should see it first before making a decision, and he said he wanted to see it with me. He talked about buying me a patio set for Christmas and wanted me to go on vacation with him in August. We see each other 2 to 3 nights a week. He is not very good at calling me during the days we don't meet. When I ask him to call me more often, he said why couldn't I call him instead. Yet, when he called and I was not in, he would ask where I was and who I was with. But I still cannot understand why he was online checking out others. Could it be that since we only know each other 3 months, he was not sure if he really wanted to be serious with me...until we had the talk? I am having a problem trusting him. What do you think?
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