green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 When a guy asks you out for tea but doesn't pay for you, that's not a date, right? We've known each other for two months. He texts me quite a lot. I don't have many guy friends that have so much to talk to me about. Yet asking me out without paying doesn't seem like a date to me. What's going on?
LifeIsGreat Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 It depends... how did you meet? Are you just friends? Are you interested in more? Has he shown any other signs of wanting more than friendship? Everybody has a different style so maybe he's not into paying for his dates. If he thinks you are just friends that could also be the reason he doesn't pay.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 It depends... how did you meet? Are you just friends? Are you interested in more? Has he shown any other signs of wanting more than friendship? Everybody has a different style so maybe he's not into paying for his dates. If he thinks you are just friends that could also be the reason he doesn't pay. We met in the local gym and started talking about the sporting activities we like. The only sign of him wanting more is that he seems to want to go out and enjoys talking to me. He's said he likes my company. But that could also be just for friendship. I'm only interested in more if he is. No point being in a lopsided relationship. The not-paying is a big sign of not being interested, no?
utterer of lies Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 When a guy asks you out for tea but doesn't pay for you, that's not a date, right? We've known each other for two months. He texts me quite a lot. I don't have many guy friends that have so much to talk to me about. Yet asking me out without paying doesn't seem like a date to me. What's going on? Maybe he's just a cheap bastard...
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Maybe he's just a cheap bastard... I'm more interested to find out whether he's interested or he sees me as a friend. Whether he's a cheap bastard is for another day.
LifeIsGreat Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 So far it sounds like he's only interested in being friends. BTW-- this may be because he doesn't think you are interested in anything more. IF you ARE interested in more, I think you should find a way to let him know. The best case is come out and say so. If you can't do that, you are going to have to give him 'romantic' signals like flirting, etc.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 So far it sounds like he's only interested in being friends. BTW-- this may be because he doesn't think you are interested in anything more. IF you ARE interested in more, I think you should find a way to let him know. The best case is come out and say so. If you can't do that, you are going to have to give him 'romantic' signals like flirting, etc. Can you specify which parts do you think he's interested only in being friends? The not-paying part or others?
Lucky_One Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 He may not have much spending money. Is he working, a full-time student, or what? And if having tea is just something that has happened once or twice after the gym, then no, it isn't a date. That is just friends having a drink after a work-out. It's a great getting to know someone activity for new friends. If you would like to see him on a more romantic basis, then ask him if he'd like to go see a movie and then get dessert after a nice popcorn dinner, and add the words "my treat" to it. There is ZERO wrong with asking a man out, and that is certainly casual enough that it wouldn't freak him out or anything. And then you can measure his interest after that invite, and get a better idea of what he is thinking.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 He may not have much spending money. Is he working, a full-time student, or what? And if having tea is just something that has happened once or twice after the gym, then no, it isn't a date. That is just friends having a drink after a work-out. It's a great getting to know someone activity for new friends. If you would like to see him on a more romantic basis, then ask him if he'd like to go see a movie and then get dessert after a nice popcorn dinner, and add the words "my treat" to it. There is ZERO wrong with asking a man out, and that is certainly casual enough that it wouldn't freak him out or anything. And then you can measure his interest after that invite, and get a better idea of what he is thinking. It's gone from tea after the gym to him asking to hang out on one or two no-gym days. But I still find it difficult to gauge his interest or lack of.
Lucky_One Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I must be old, because I don't get the concept of "hanging out". So you have seen him out in public on a non-gym day? Just for tea? Do you mean for "tea" as a meal, or "tea" as a cup of PG Tips in a Starbucks? Actually, while I do want to know the answers, my first post remains. Ask him to a movie, your treat, and see what happens then.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I must be old, because I don't get the concept of "hanging out". So you have seen him out in public on a non-gym day? Just for tea? Do you mean for "tea" as a meal, or "tea" as a cup of PG Tips in a Starbucks? Actually, while I do want to know the answers, my first post remains. Ask him to a movie, your treat, and see what happens then. LOL. "Hanging out" is a term I use when I'm not sure whether it's a date. Tea is both Starbucks and an afternoon tea in a nice hotel cafe.
Lucky_One Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I would consider an afternoon tea a date, regardless of who pays. He may simply not spending money, and he is embarrassed by the fact. Men are sometimes hung up on their earnings, and think that it is a huge measurement of their success in life. (Women, unfortunately, often get hung up on the same thing, and will only date men who make a certain amount.) I think there is truth to the basic biology about men bringing home the brontosaurus and women wanting to see how big of a bronty the man can bring, before she lets herself open her fertility for him. He also could be unsure of how to take this young R to the next level, and he isn't lucky enough to have LS to ask advice of! So, take the initiative, gently. Don't book a room at the hotel cafe for post-tea-sex, but ask him on a "real" date, and see how he reacts.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Does he at least offer? If he doesn't then he's really cheap. I've had a guy pay for everything even when I offered to go dutch. Last time we went out, I needed to go borrow a restroom from a restaurant but I had to order something. I got a $3 ice cream and the guy still paid for me.
O'Malley Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Does he at least offer? If he doesn't then he's really cheap. Agreed. He should only invite you out to dates he can afford to pay for, or just be honest that he's not particularly affluent and offer to go dutch before you decide on a place. Going out for tea isn't a budget killer, considering the fact that he's paying for a gym membership. Nothing wrong with asking him out to a movie or an inexpensive dinner. It's also a good way to gauge if his fiscal habits (will he offer to pay his share or expect you to pay for everything) are compatible with yours.
Cee Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 This sounds like an ever deepening journey into the friend zone. Friendship tends to develop gradually until a bond is formed. Him not paying indicates that tea on non-gym days is exactly like tea on post-gym days. It's a platonic get together. The sucky (or maybe I should say adult) thing to do is you have to flirt or express direct romantic interest. Then the friendship moves to a different level - either the dating level or the awkward avoid each other at the gym level. For me, I ask myself this question: Is the existing friendship more important than risking it for the low probability of a LTR coming out of this. Usually, I go for the better odds and choose the friendship. If the guy was really that into me, he would tip his hand and ask me out on a real date.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Agreed. He should only invite you out to dates he can afford to pay for' date=' or just be honest that he's not particularly affluent and offer to go dutch [i']before[/i] you decide on a place. Going out for tea isn't a budget killer, considering the fact that he's paying for a gym membership. Nothing wrong with asking him out to a movie or an inexpensive dinner. It's also a good way to gauge if his fiscal habits (will he offer to pay his share or expect you to pay for everything) are compatible with yours. But what makes you so sure it's a date when he didn't pay? I mean there are two ways of looking at it. One. He asked me out, didn't pay, and therefore is cheap. Two. He asked me out as a friend and therefore didn't pay. I still can't tell which. (I know I should ask him out and ask.)
O'Malley Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Does he flirt with you, or respond if you flirt with him? Is he regularly seeking you out, without any prompting by you? I don't see many guys wanting to spend time with you on non-gym days if they were only interesting in being pals. Unfortunately some guys don't make their intentions obvious. Some guys don't want or expect to pay for the outings or dates they initiate; which is fine, as long as they make that clear when they invite you out. Either invite him out on a date or the next time he offers to go out for tea, ask, "Are you interested in just being friends, or would you like to go on a date?" It might be uncomfortable, but you'll get your answer, and hopefully you can (at the least) still develop a friendship out of it.
Cee Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Nobody is that cheap to not pay for tea. My platonic friends will pay for a drink or dinner once in a while. I think you need to look for other signs: 1) Has he announced his availability for dating. Is he single? 2) Do the two of you flirt or show signs of romantic interest (brief touch)? 3) Has he complimented you or have noticed things about you? 4) Does he linger when you hang out? 5) Does he puff up a little at the gym when he's working out? 6) Has he asked you if you are single? Usually, I can suss out whether I'm in the friendzone by asking a man about his love life. If he pours his heart out about some girl he likes or a recent breakup, I know I'm just a friend.
Author green apples Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 He flirts, touches, compliments, tells me things he notices about me that I don't even notice about myself, seeks me out, waits for me. We have great chemistry too. Though neither of us has talked about our relationships. All that he's done, the not-paying throws me for a loop (before I ask him out and suss him out).
Star Gazer Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 My platonic male friends pay for me (or at least try) when we "hang out." I suppose they're all traditional gentlemen. Your guy either sees you as only a friend, or he's cheap. Doesn't really matte which one, as neither bode well for a dating relationship. And if he thought you thought he was just a friend, if he liked you in a romantic way, he'd still buy you a darn cup of tea.
Seamless74 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 He flirts, touches, compliments, tells me things he notices about me that I don't even notice about myself, seeks me out, waits for me. We have great chemistry too. Though neither of us has talked about our relationships. I find it absolutely ridiculous at this point that neither one of you more importantly him has at least asked or inquired about your relationship situation at this point.. what a nightmare... Ill say it once and ill say it again you must be upfront and honest about your intentions, i.e. friends, FWB, relationship or whatever because as of right now neither one of you know what the hell is going on... absurd (have been in similar situations in the past) However as for the not paying, its a weird thing. He could totally wanna nail you and still not pay. Some guys actually believe that its a chump move to pay for something like a coffee or tea on a first meeting (some women will not allow it as well) its understandable I mean if your just going somewhere as friends why should he pay? Or more importantly why should you expect him to pay? if you were "dating" sure he should pay.. If he just wanted to have a FWB setup some guys still wouldnt think its their responsibility to pay i.e. why should they have to pay to get in your pants? just different mindsets out there i wouldnt focus so much on the paying part id focus on being a big girl and actually asking questions that help clarify situations..
collegeguy_24 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Ignore all the flirting, body language, etc. Just asked him directly. Tell him you think you've received some mixed signals and you just want to clear some things up. Guys don't do the whole flirting BS. We prefer direct, every man I have talked to says the same thing.
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