So very tired of the rollercoaster ride

February 2, 2011

Attempt to end affair - Take 19...

We got into another DEEP DEEP discussion about what this R is doing to me and how it's killing me to my core. Told him that judging by our history, it seems that this A will end one of two ways:

A) HE finally wakes up one morning and is truly sick and tired of my bitching about how I don't get to see him and grows a pair and finally ends it with me.

or

B) D-Day happens for REAL this time and we get caught and ruin the lives of both of our families.

I've tried C

C) make the decision on my own and do everything in my power (even though it feels like swimming upstream because I am still madly in love with him) and No one but me gets hurt.

like I said, I've tried C and I am not strong enough to push him away when he bulldozes every single barracade I put in place.

So he promised me he would stay away (A-GAIN) but this was only after pleading that we still remain friends and actually had the nerve to be disappointed when I told him that our friendship disappeared the day we got physical and that being friends was not something I could do.

I'm soooooo damn emotionally drained and tired and do not have any confidence that he will stay true to his word. He has never been able to do it and I am soooo damn weak and can't fight back.

Please people, if there is anything you take away from this sight, let it be the pain and suffering that comes from an affair.

still,

Half ofa Heart

February 2, 2011

I wish you nothing but healing, and am not sure what to say...to find words to make it all better, you know?

Please know you have my thoughts and prayers and know that there are many out there that love you (including me!) and want the best for you.

(((((((((hugs))))))))) BTW, I was very concerned about you, so am glad you started this thread:)

February 2, 2011

Attempt to end affair - Take 19...

We got into another DEEP DEEP discussion about what this R is doing to me and how it's killing me to my core. Told him that judging by our history, it seems that this A will end one of two ways:

A) HE finally wakes up one morning and is truly sick and tired of my bitching about how I don't get to see him and grows a pair and finally ends it with me.

or

B) D-Day happens for REAL this time and we get caught and ruin the lives of both of our families.

I've tried C

C) make the decision on my own and do everything in my power (even though it feels like swimming upstream because I am still madly in love with him) and No one but me gets hurt.

like I said, I've tried C and I am not strong enough to push him away when he bulldozes every single barracade I put in place.

So he promised me he would stay away (A-GAIN) but this was only after pleading that we still remain friends and actually had the nerve to be disappointed when I told him that our friendship disappeared the day we got physical and that being friends was not something I could do.

I'm soooooo damn emotionally drained and tired and do not have any confidence that he will stay true to his word. He has never been able to do it and I am soooo damn weak and can't fight back.

Please people, if there is anything you take away from this sight, let it be the pain and suffering that comes from an affair.

still,
Half ofa Heart

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, HoaH. From what you write, it sounds like you are going to be hurting for a while no matter what, and that is sad. You feel weak right now, but you deserve happiness and I think you have it in you to do what it takes to be happy. Maybe it will take you a bit longer to get there, but I know you don't want to spend too much of your life feeling like you do now, and you will find the strength.

February 2, 2011

Ahhh HAH......big hugs!

When I read your posts I want to go kick some ass! Your MM's ass!

I hope you see that his refusal to leave you alone is not loving behavior. What he is doing is self serving and everything but loving you. Didn't you read my post about addictive relationships? If you didn't, please do and if you did, please read it again because it seems both of you are stuck in a loop of addictive behavior. What you are describing is NOT love.

HAH.....you've got to stop seeing yourself as powerless. Find your lady balls, then do what ever it is that you've got to do to get him to leave you alone. I think when he knows you are serious, he will stop with the bs but you've got to mean it and you've got to be willing to back up your words with some threats and he has to know that you will carry them out. Let your mind go to that place where you start thinking about what consequences he will face when you do get to that point, work on a plan of action. You don't have to do it until you are ready but start putting it together.

Big hugs.......

February 2, 2011

Thanks to all of you!

I know I need to find my "girlie balls" and do what I need to do to move on. I will do what I can. I have given him all the power and need to take it back. I know it's not going to be easy. For the 6 weeks we were NC, felt like a lifetime and he never gave up trying to reach me.

I know myself well enought to know that as much as it kills me to remove him from my life, I could do this if he would keep his end of the bargain and leave me alone.

Why do these men do this???? Does he not see the pain he is putting me thru??? Is it just the sex? Can't he just go find someone else who doesn't give a **** about him and screw her????

Seriously, right now, I feel defeated. If I didn't have kids I would run away because I see no other escape from this prison I've put myself in.

Day 1 NC

February 2, 2011

Addictive relationship......for both of you and as I said before if he truly loved you and sees the pain you are in, he would stop. It is that simple.

Re: Addictive behavior......you both get the incredible high that comes with reuniting and then comes the crash, then the cycle repeats.

It's not just sex.....it's the feelings and he loves having that power over you, likes knowing that you'll bend. Maybe it gives you a sense of power also.....in thinking that he can't stay away from you?

Sweetie.......do think about the measures that you will take to keep him away when you decide that is what you have to do. Maybe start with......saying it and meaning it, refusal to take his calls or texts, refusal to respond. If he shows up at your door, tell him to go and then if he doesn't go, there will be consequences. Consequences = meaning you might have to go to the lengths of threatening him with if you don't stay away from me, I will tell your wife and if that doesn't work, you might take it so far as to telling him that you will go to court and get a restraining order. Yes........I know, extreme measures and I know you don't want to hurt him, but if the other things don't work then that is what you are left with if you are going to take your power back, but you need to think long and hard and if you are going to threaten it, you need to make sure you are ready to do it. I don't know all the details but I think if you completely ignore him, such extreme measures wouldn't be needed. If extreme measures are needed, then you've got a dangerous man on your hands, IMO. Sane people will back off when they know that you mean what you say.

February 2, 2011

Awww, hon, I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly.

When you think of how many times you've described your inner turmoil and agony to him and the fact that he continues to try to remain halfway in your life, what does that make you think? Does it make you feel loved? Cherished? Cared for? I hope it makes you very angry, as it should. Angry enough to help you find the strength and the will to do what needs to be done - for YOU!

February 2, 2011

Thanks to all of you!

Why do these men do this???? Does he not see the pain he is putting me thru??? Is it just the sex? Can't he just go find someone else who doesn't give a **** about him and screw her????

Day 1 NC

This is going to be harsh. Because those people who doesn't give a **** about him will only give him their body, but you, can make him feel like he's the most important man in the world.

I'm in the exact situation. I know it, but I couldn't get out. I wish you the best. I know exactly how you feel.

February 2, 2011

Half, I am so sorry you are hurting. I think you are stronger than you think you are. If you truly do want out, I know you do have the power to follow through with the NC. You never know if you don't try. I think it's one of those things you just have to take minute by minute sometimes... just focus on one minute at a time if you have to. I think you do know what you have to do for your own wellbeing but you're afraid and understandably so. You can always try the NC and see how you start to feel. You might surprise yourself and start feeling more like your old self by maintaining the NC. Or you might be miserable. But you won't know unless you try. I'm sorry you are in so much pain, it is not fun. But you can assert some power and take the feeling of helplessness away by trying the NC so you can have the clearheaded mind you need to focus on yourself.

February 2, 2011

Half, I am so sorry you are hurting. I think you are stronger than you think you are. If you truly do want out, I know you do have the power to follow through with the NC. You never know if you don't try. I think it's one of those things you just have to take minute by minute sometimes... just focus on one minute at a time if you have to. I think you do know what you have to do for your own wellbeing but you're afraid and understandably so. You can always try the NC and see how you start to feel. You might surprise yourself and start feeling more like your old self by maintaining the NC. Or you might be miserable. But you won't know unless you try. I'm sorry you are in so much pain, it is not fun. But you can assert some power and take the feeling of helplessness away by trying the NC so you can have the clearheaded mind you need to focus on yourself.

Rose is right, although I failed at NC/LC, but when i was able to do it for the first few days, I can already feel that I was much better. I don't have to be in this fog all the time feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately, the addiction needs took over and I fell back into that mud of water. Don't do that. Follow through. Trust me, it's much better for you.

February 2, 2011

HoaH, I think BB makes an excellent suggestion - to think about and plan what you would do to end the cycle you are in. Just making a plan can help with the feelings you describe of feeling weak, defeated, powerless,... You are the master of your own life and have a lot more control than you feel you do right now.

As to wondering why MM does what he does - one can never be certain when he is still leading a double life, lying to his W and contacting you - so I am a big believer in thinking whatever makes you feel better about that. Anger motivates some. Maybe that or something else will work for you. Chances are he doesn't even know why he does what he does. Whatever the reasons are, he is behaving selfishly. He's not helping you - he's taking care of himself. So, you are going to have to take care of yourself. And you can do it.

February 2, 2011

Have you ever quit smoking? And had "friends" try to push cigarettes on you? Or have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes, and when attempting to stop eating sugar - because it can kill you - had family members continually offer you cake or ice cream? Do you think those actions show caring and love? I've seen the above scenarios acted out in the lives of people around me. The friends and family members of the smoker or diabetic may claim that they are doing it out of love, but the reality is that there is no love of the addict involved. The love is for themselves.

The exact same thing is true for you. Your MM knows you are addicted to him. Knows you love him. Knows you are in terrible pain because of him. He knows all of these things, because you have told him repeatedly. He is not showing care for you, nor love for you. But you already know this. You know that at the root of this problem is not his love for you, but rather his desire for having what he wants. And what he wants is not an exclusive relationship with you.

I feel so badly for you. I wish I could take your pain away, but I cannot. Please take care of yourself. Addictions are difficult to break. You've tried "cold turkey" a number of times. Have you tried substitution? Everytime you think of calling him (or answering his calls) instead give yourself something you love. It could be a manicure, a facial, a brownie, something special. (watch overdoing the sweets, though... )

Good luck and know that you really do have a bunch of people pulling for your happiness.

Silk

February 2, 2011

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, and something she said made me think of your situation. Not only was it important for her to cut ties with all her former friends who helped enable her drinking, but she had a very good friend who also went into recovery whom she had to distance herself from as well. This surprised me as I would have thought they could support each other, however she explained that spending any kind of time together conjured up those cravings, so they mutually agreed to part ways.

I realize in your case it isn't mutual, the need to part ways, but nothing speaks true love and caring for another person than to let them go for their own sake.

He may not be where you are right now... he may never be, but perhaps you can gather strength by acknowledging that by putting hefty consequences in place, you actually ARE loving him and doing what's best for him.

I really pray that Take 19 is the last for you. The sooner you let him go, the sooner true happiness and peace will find you. (((hugs)))

February 2, 2011

Everyone has posted such beautiful support. While I do not know your whole story maybe this time you truly need to go NC, although it is hard if you work together. All I can say is block, delete, and forget the best you can. Take it minute by minute. Drink water, eat, surround yourself with friends and let go of this addictive relationship. My XAP wanted to be friends too. It hurt ALOT. I finally deleted him from my life. I have not heard a peep from him since.

Don't let him contact you. Make sure all those ties are broken. It is hard but do able.

I wish you all the power and strength in the world to end this for you. So you can begin to heal.

Good luck! And big hugs to you!

February 2, 2011

I have gone NC many times and he has always broken it. I've blocked him from calls to my cell, blocked emails, IM's but let's face it, if he WANTS to get a hold of me, there are many many ways. We work for the same company so there are ways.

Like BB says, I have to mean it and once I mean it, he will have no choice but to honor it. Right now I'm trying to force the end because I know further down the road, it is what's best for me. It's much like a diet. No one WANTS to eat 100% healthy stuff all the time, or exercise all the time but we do it because we want to lose weight or maintain it. The path of least resistance is the eat what you want and sit around but no one likes the results of that.

This feels soooo good when we are together. He has told me that he understands my concerns and will do whatever I wish but... he doesn't understand how I could just throw it all away - friendship and all. In his mind, he feels that he understands that wecannot have the physical side because it is causing me too much pain but he can't stand the thought of not having his best friend. Says, "in my mind, I want it all but since I can't have it all, I will settle for just friends because I cannot stand the thought of not having you in my life!!!"

I am sooooo confused and hurt and simply put, defeated. I feel like I have lost control of my life and am on a merry-go-round and can't get off. Hate to sound like such a defenseless victim - as I read this I see how pathetic I must sound. Honestly, I just wish I could run away to clear my head and try to gain some perspective. I am burried DEEP!

February 2, 2011

This feels soooo good when we are together. He has told me that he understands my concerns and will do whatever I wish

Then ask him to leave his W and be with you.

February 2, 2011

Then ask him to leave his W and be with you.

Better yet tell him if he engages in you in anyway you will tell his wife. I do get where you're at but I don't get him. He's a weak guy and this is what you want? Settling for a man who won't move mountains for you? Well I can tell you there are men out there who will move mountains for you. I was a WS and did walk the talk and got my divorce and it's been final for a 1 1/2 year. Don't listen to what he says but look at his actions.

Even though I didn't end up with the prize I have my happiness and a full life. Trust me I've been where you have....scrap the bottom several times. So I know it can be done. Good luck and hugs.....

February 3, 2011

He has told me that he understands my concerns and will do whatever I wish but... he doesn't understand how I could just throw it all away - friendship and all. In his mind, he feels that he understands that wecannot have the physical side because it is causing me too much pain but he can't stand the thought of not having his best friend.

This is exactly what my xOM said to me which is why I decided to confess to my H first and then let xOM know what I did. I let him know right after I confessed through an e-mail (my H knew I did this) and told him I was not contacting him anymore. I got rid of that e-mail account (the only one he knew) and blocked his phone number. My situation is still a little different because my H told him to stay away from me or he'd be very sorry (lots of consequences). Even if my H had not done that, I knew in my heart that xOM is not who I want and even if I did want him, he had too many red flags for a long term relationship and technically he wasn't even divorced yet. I've been so strong. I've been NC almost a month now. It's not easy, but it does get better, give or take a few sad moments. The rollercoaster is worse than the pain during in NC in my opinion. I feel better about myself knowing I'm not cheating and I'm seeing someone else's husband. I became addicted to xOM too. That's why I was so scared to stop seeing him. I made my life a rollercoaster and I hated it - as you do. You will never regret getting off that rollercoaster.

February 3, 2011

The rollercoaster is worse than the pain during in NC in my opinion. I feel better about myself knowing I'm not cheating and I'm seeing someone else's husband. I became addicted to xOM too. That's why I was so scared to stop seeing him. I made my life a rollercoaster and I hated it - as you do. You will never regret getting off that rollercoaster.

You just gave me hope. Although I failed my nc before, knowing that the rollercoaster is worse than NC gave me hope.

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So very tired of the rollercoaster ride

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