Confusedalways Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Me: Allergic to cats and dogs. Doesn't like them anyway. 23 years old. He: major dog lover, grew up around them. 24 years old. Recently he declared when he has his own house he *IS* having a dog. It was truly said in passing in a very relevant discussion about the future. We were speaking in generalities and not necessarily about each other, but certainly were alluding to living with one another- in the distant future (1.5- 2 years). We've only been dating a short time (~5 months), but is this just one of those incompatibilities you can't get over? I love him, but I absolutely WILL NOT ever want a dog... ever- for a multitude of reasons including and beyond the simple fact that I'm allergic. I let the topic go for the time, as obviously at 5 months we're not even close to moving in with each other, but it stuck in my mind. He knows I don't like them/ am allergic to them, yet he made that comment. What does that mean? Should I have talked to him more about it? Am I reading too much into it? He makes no bones about his love toward me, etc. I'm worried I will get my heart broken if I don't nip this in the bud. I'm also worried if I "suck it up" and get a hypoallergenic dog I will eventually resent him. I feel like there isn't really a compromise when it comes to dog ownership.
yah Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I guess I just don't understand how getting a dog in the future, IF you guys end up together, is a dealbreaker right now. Feelings change. Anyone can love a dog or at least tolerate a dog. You can even try to get used to dogs before owning one. If you don't at least give it an ol' school try for him then it's your loss.
SarcasticBlonde Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Me: Allergic to cats and dogs. Doesn't like them anyway. 23 years old. He: major dog lover, grew up around them. 24 years old. Recently he declared when he has his own house he *IS* having a dog. It was truly said in passing in a very relevant discussion about the future. We were speaking in generalities and not necessarily about each other, but certainly were alluding to living with one another- in the distant future (1.5- 2 years). We've only been dating a short time (~5 months), but is this just one of those incompatibilities you can't get over? I love him, but I absolutely WILL NOT ever want a dog... ever- for a multitude of reasons including and beyond the simple fact that I'm allergic. I let the topic go for the time, as obviously at 5 months we're not even close to moving in with each other, but it stuck in my mind. He knows I don't like them/ am allergic to them, yet he made that comment. What does that mean? Should I have talked to him more about it? Am I reading too much into it? He makes no bones about his love toward me, etc. I'm worried I will get my heart broken if I don't nip this in the bud. I'm also worried if I "suck it up" and get a hypoallergenic dog I will eventually resent him. I feel like there isn't really a compromise when it comes to dog ownership. I think its a little early to be worried about something like this. If he had said he wants kids and you don't, that's different.
Phscn Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I find this thread kinda funny to me because my boyfriend and I are the same, me Im the huge animal lover major in veterinary medicine and like your boyfriend have lived with animals all my life and I cant picture living it with out a dog or a cat , my boyfriend dislikes all animals and doesn't like them because a) they are dirty b) they leave fur everywhere and they shed c) they are annoying d) they misbehave and dont listen and other reasons he has stated. The first time we talked about the possibly of living together and having a place of our own I told my boyfriend, Angel, that I wanted to have at least one dog and cat however as you can guess he disagreed . I understood where my boyfriend was coming from and respected his opinions and knowing that in the future I will be working around animals anyways I was willing to agree to not having them at home. We have now been dating for 5 plus years (we broke up once) , Angel knows and now understands how I feel about animals how I love and care for them and cant live without them in my life, after dating for so long and having a strong relationship my boyfriend (without me having to put up a major fight) agreed to having only one dog and cat at home, with of course a few rules we will have to follow. He even wholeheartedly asked me if I wanted him to buy us a puppy for Christmas . So what I am trying to tell you is that your current relationship can work out with a little effort on both your parts.
Olivia1966 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Only you can say what's a dealbreaker and what isn't. However, if you really can see yourself resenting him for getting a dog, that sounds like a pretty big indicator to me.
zengirl Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 If living together were that far in the future, I'm not sure I'd worry about it. . . . really, depends how serious you are. For me, it would be a major affront if a partner wanted a pet that I was allergic to (and he knew that) or afraid of, and announced it once we were in a LTR. It wouldn't be the dog that was the issue, but the fact that he knew it was something that would cause you physical pain (allergies) and took no consideration of that. Of course, it was said in passing, so I don't know. I would have said something like, "Oh, man, then I can't come over, because I'm so allergic" or something and seen his reaction. But too late for that.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 If it were me, I'd sit down and have an honest conversation. Facing it head on is the way to go, because he's made his future intentions clear and when/if it comes to the time when you do move in together, it could become an issue. Do you want to get to 2 years down the line and find out that him having a dog is a dealbreaker? Or would you rather find out now, and cut your losses? I, personally, would find it an absolute dealbreaker if my partner didn't want animals. I will always have a dog, I love them, so someone requesting I do not own one for them, would be something I wouldn't consider. I know that sounds sad, because it's giving up human affection for the affection of an animal, but I honestly can't see myself without a pet. It would be an incompatibility for me, and I would severely resent anyone who took that away from me. Similarly, wouldn't you resent having to put up with a dog because he wanted it? Of course, you may find a comprimise, say a small, lap dog, or a rabbit, and you could always ask your doctor for the most effective allergy treatment. It's just about communicating your worries, and issues and him his.
oaks Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I feel like there isn't really a compromise when it comes to dog ownership. I've been in a similar position (but with cats) and you're right that it's hard to compromise and resentment is a real possibility. I didn't find a workable resolution to this, but would either of these work as a compromise: Get a different animal that you aren't allergic to, like a fish or a reptile. Obviously you can't take a fish for a walk, but if it's about having to care for an animal then dogs aren't the only option. Rats and some birds are just as intelligent as dogs and can make good pets, but not sure about your allergies to those.Get an animal that lives outside and doesn't come in the house. That might be compatible with your allergies, and potentially could still be a dog. Or, have a difficult conversation with your SO along the lines of "you do realise that this means we can't be together long-term" and see where that goes. Sorry.
Eeyore79 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I have a dog, and I once dated someone who was allergic to dogs. When he initially mentioned his allergy I was unsure whether I wanted to date him, but he assured me it would be fine, that he would take medication, etc. Well, it turned out that he was constantly sneezing and moaning about my dog, and I was totally turned off by his attitude of dislike towards her - when he rejected her it was like he was rejecting me. We argued constantly, and I wasn't willing to budge because my dog is the most important thing in the world to me. In the longer term, I didn't want to subject my dog to living with someone who hated her, and I was concerned that if we had kids they might inherit his allergies and force me to get rid of my beloved dog. So after about three months I dumped him. With hindsight, I should have dumped him as soon as he mentioned his allergies. My dog is in my life already and isn't going anywhere, so it's imperative that my partner likes her. Since then I always question potential dates about whether they like or are allergic to dogs, and if someone confessed to a dog allergy or even to disliking dogs I'd decline to date them. The OP is in a slightly different situation because her boyfriend doesn't have a dog yet. Perhaps there's room for negotiation; maybe he would consider a different pet, especially if they've been together a long time before the issue of dog ownership arises. OP, I think you really need to discuss this issue with your boyfriend; as I have learned from experience, dog ownership and allergies are not compatible in an LTR.
Eeyore79 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Get an animal that lives outside and doesn't come in the house. That might be compatible with your allergies, and potentially could still be a dog. As a dog lover I would never agree to my dog living in the yard; it just seems cruel to me. I want my pet to live in the house as a member of the family. So if the OP's boyfriend is genuinely a dog lover I can't see him going for this solution.
PeachyPink Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Me: Allergic to cats and dogs. Doesn't like them anyway. 23 years old. He: major dog lover, grew up around them. 24 years old. Recently he declared when he has his own house he *IS* having a dog. It was truly said in passing in a very relevant discussion about the future. We were speaking in generalities and not necessarily about each other, but certainly were alluding to living with one another- in the distant future (1.5- 2 years). We've only been dating a short time (~5 months), but is this just one of those incompatibilities you can't get over? I love him, but I absolutely WILL NOT ever want a dog... ever- for a multitude of reasons including and beyond the simple fact that I'm allergic. I let the topic go for the time, as obviously at 5 months we're not even close to moving in with each other, but it stuck in my mind. He knows I don't like them/ am allergic to them, yet he made that comment. What does that mean? Should I have talked to him more about it? Am I reading too much into it? He makes no bones about his love toward me, etc. I'm worried I will get my heart broken if I don't nip this in the bud. I'm also worried if I "suck it up" and get a hypoallergenic dog I will eventually resent him. I feel like there isn't really a compromise when it comes to dog ownership.Dog lovers usually consider their pets a part of family. So really, it's in a way like saying you don't want kids and he does. Dealbreaker as far as I'm concerned. I would never date anyone who didn't like my dogs and I'd never date anyone who my dogs didn't like.
Truane71 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 If at 5 months, you're thinking about breaking up with him over a comment he made about wanting a dog years down the road, then save the guy the trouble and just end it now because I GUARANTEE you are going to have more serious issues down the road.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Dog lovers usually consider their pets a part of family. So really, it's in a way like saying you don't want kids and he does. Dealbreaker as far as I'm concerned. Animal lovers consider their pets part of the family. Its like the kids discussion, either you want kids or don't. If you don't want a pet and they do, you are probably not compatible. Whoever I date in the future needs to be accepting that I have two cockatiels and 5 tarantulas. Some people don't like birds... and a lot of people don't like tarantulas. Of course the Ts are more of a display/show pet... it's the cockatiels that are interactive. Still... I imagine there will be at least one person that will be completely put off by my Ts. Never mind that they don't do anything and definitely don't lunge at you like in the movies. Some people just have the irrational fear. If a potential boyfriend told me I had to get rid of the birds and the Ts or he was leaving, I would hope the door hit his ass on the way out.
tinktronik Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 OP I completely understand. i am allergic to cats, even with medication I have allergic symptoms and I also have the side effects of the medication to deal with and it makes life very unpleasant; like having a mild flu all the time. The cost I have to pay is too large. I simply can not have cats in my home. I've heard a lot from people who do not get what having an animal allergy is like and they tell you to take a pill or that you are disregarding your spouses feelings. Poppycock, they just do not understand the price to be paid by the person who ends up suffering the allergy. My BF likes cats and feeds the strays in the neighborhood; so in effect we have tons of outdoor cats that show up to eat. But as long as they are not in the house or all over me outdoors I can tolerate and avoid them. I don't dislike them but it would seem so to an onlooker because I avoid them and shoo them away when they come close. A dog is a different matter. You can't very well have stray dogs lining up at your doors or living exclusively outdoors. I would have a chat with your BF, a serious one about your allergies and the future. If he can not get your side I would call it a deal-breaker.
O'Malley Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Only you can say what's a dealbreaker and what isn't. However, if you really can see yourself resenting him for getting a dog, that sounds like a pretty big indicator to me. Agreed. People do have serious allergies to certain animals and others simply aren't interested in the care and maintenance that goes with having a pet. Having known people with terrible allergies (to cats), it's completely understandable, but I know I would never be compatible with them in a relationship. Have an honest conversation about your future. However, there probably isn't a way to successfully compromise, unless one of the people involved is ambivalent about having a dog.
GorillaTheater Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I think its a little early to be worried about something like this. If he had said he wants kids and you don't, that's different. I'm having trouble deciding whether this is "sarcastic" or "blonde".
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I am mildly allergic to cats and dogs, but if a SO had one I wouldn't mind too bad. Yes he would have to clean up after the pet almost all the time, from vacuuming furniture to running a hepa filter and all that fun stuff. I don't mind taking allergy meds or shots, since I have to have them anyway. I would be more worried that a cat especially wouldn't try to eat my pets. Don't get it twisted. I don't like cats one bit, but I would respect my partner's pets and try to be nice to them. Needless to say there would be a sit down and some rules drawn up about pets and where they can and cannot be (no cats in the bedroom like no birds in the bedroom etc)
threebyfate Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I'd take advantage of the next opportunity to discuss pets, say when the two of you are together and you see a dog, and once again express allergies and distaste. Then I'd bring up his comment about getting a dog and in some way express it as a dealbreaker.
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