Have sexual feelings for therapist

[searching_learning]

Ok, so I have sexual feelings for my therapist of 5 years. I started seeing him because of the death of a person I knew. I was encouaged to have a chat to a therapist about it even though I felt I didn't need it (as I was dealing fine) and when I saw him.. I think I felt a mutual attraction between us.

 

He asked me to keep coming back to talk about "other stuff" .. and for five years we've had this therapy relationship where I go chat to him if I'm stressed about something or making an important life decision I want to talk over.

 

I'd estimate about a 15 year age difference between us. I think he's attracted to me. He often comments about my appearance. Once he told me that a lot of men would want me. I asked him why and he said because of my face and my body. He says I'm very attractive. I also just get the vibe. We've also talked about orgasming and .. can I say it on here? Long word beginning with m to do with self-pleasuring? We talked about it in the context of having a healthy sexual understanding of your body. He pretty much told me what to do to myself to have a better orgasm. I think he often encourages a sexual theme to our conversation when I in the past have made it clear I didnt want to discuss that stuff. I felt more comfortable discussing it recently (cause I have the hots for him) and he certainly didn't hold back.

 

Anyway, this wouldnt be a problem except that lately I've had some really strong sexual feelings for him. I want to have sex with him.

 

That's impossible for many reasons but I can't stop fantasisng about it. Any thoughts or advice?

Edited February 2, 2011 by searching_learning

[musemaj11]

The therapist doesnt sound like he is doing his job.

[Lucky_One]

Is he married?

[utterer of lies]

Anyway, this wouldnt be a problem except that lately I've had some really strong sexual feelings for him. I want to have sex with him.

 

That's impossible for many reasons but I can't stop fantasisng about it. Any thoughts or advice?

 

Stop going to therapy to him and start dating him.

[Nexus One]

Just to add a viewpoint here. (I mean to pass no judgement here, just adding to the discussion)

 

If he's a therapist that sticks to (his) principles then he might very well have the following standpoint:

 

To him you're his (commercial) client and he probably knows the code of conduct for his job doesn't allow him to sleep with his clients in order not to abuse his authority position and your patient status. He probably also knows that doing this could damage his reputation in the field.

[searching_learning]

Thank you so much for responding, guys.

 

The therapist doesnt sound like he is doing his job.

 

So do you agree that he is probably overstepping the mark? He encouraged me to email him regularly to let him know what's going on and in the past if I've emailed him with a "crisis moment" (which has never really been much of a crisis - you know.. just a "urgh - this guy I'm dating just did this, I don't know what to do) he always calls me on his phone.

 

When I moved to another State, I told him I wouldnt be able to see him anymore and he said we could still do phone sessions until I got back. So we had lots of phone sessions - and he refused to charge me for most of them. I remember insisting with his receptionist that she charge me for the session and she'd say "no, he's told me not to".

 

He said once, when I was in a session with him and upset about something that he wished he could hug me but that it wouldnt be proper.

 

When I was living in that other State, he called me once and said he was thinking of visiting that State and maybe we could go get a coffee if he does.. but then I think he thought the better of it and we never followed through on that.

 

I remember once - at the very beginning.. I was in tears and I told him that I didn't trust him and that I felt that he was unprofessional and that I felt he was attracted to me. I said it in a really angry, accusatory voice over the phone. He listened to me.. and he wasn't angry at me or anything.. but he never once denied what I said. He never admitted it either, though.

 

But I still find it hard to believe that I'm right about this sometimes.. because - maybe I'm just reading too much into it. It's also the feeling I get. From the moment he saw me I felt like he was attracted to me. It was the way he looked at me. So maybe I'm taking that moment and reading too much into everything else?

 

It's just I know other people who have seen therapists and they say their therapists do not act like that and never make comments about their physical appearance.

 

Is he married?

 

YES - with kids.

 

Stop going to therapy to him and start dating him.

 

I can't. For the above reason. I have stopped therapy because I realised.. I'm not going to him for therapy. I never really have been. I've been going because he was someone objective to talk to .. over the years he became a friend - but a friend I was paying for - and that's ridiculous. When I .. this year.. that I've actually gone from having no sexual feelings for him (he is an attractive man, always has been - just not my type - I never had those feelings for the first few years) to having really strong ones - I knew i had to stop going.

 

But dating him is out of the question because he's married with kids.

 

Just to add a viewpoint here. (I mean to pass no judgement here, just adding to the discussion)

 

If he's a therapist that sticks to (his) principles then he might very well have the following standpoint:

 

To him you're his (commercial) client and he probably knows the code of conduct for his job doesn't allow him to sleep with his clients in order not to abuse his authority position and your patient status. He probably also knows that doing this could damage his reputation in the field.

 

I think he absolutely knows this..

 

But I'm not sure where it all leaves me because I just can't get him out of my mind. I feel fairly confident that I can keep my present state of no contact with him - but what if we bump into each other? We have bumped into each other in real life (i.e. outside of therapry) before. It's not a very big city.

 

And in any event, I just can't stop thinking about him. The thing is - it's not romantic. I don't want a relationship with him. I just really want to have sex with him and I'm not sure I understand where it's coming from.

 

And to make it clear - it's not something I'd ever do in the right frame of mind for the sole reason he is taken and has kids.

Edited February 2, 2011 by searching_learning

[Lucky_One]

If you bump into him, say hi and keep going. You know that anything more would do nothing but hurt you.

 

One huge reason why therapists are not supposed to be intimate with their clients is the huge imbalance of power that arises from a patient/doctor relationship. He knows your weaknesses, he knows your strengths, he knows your triggers, he knows how to manipulate people into thinking and believing things.

 

I am glad that you have ended therapy. Since you don't sound as though it was doing you any good, it really was just a waste of your money.

[searching_learning]

If you bump into him, say hi and keep going. You know that anything more would do nothing but hurt you.

 

One huge reason why therapists are not supposed to be intimate with their clients is the huge imbalance of power that arises from a patient/doctor relationship. He knows your weaknesses, he knows your strengths, he knows your triggers, he knows how to manipulate people into thinking and believing things.

 

I am glad that you have ended therapy. Since you don't sound as though it was doing you any good, it really was just a waste of your money.

 

Oh gosh, you are so right. I think I will do that if I bump into him. The last time I bumped into him (before I'd ended the therapy), that's what I tried to do. I was with work colleagues and it was unexpected and I felt akward and didn't want to talk. We were getting into a lift to go to a restaurant and someone touched me on my arm and said "Hi" and there he was. He got out first.. I got out and followed my colleagues, and he called my name and I spoke to him briefly before saying "I have to get back to the group". I suppose I could deal with something like that again it's just.. my feelings - the desire is so strong I'm worried I won't do that.

 

It's so weird because its been months since I stopped and months since I've had any contact at all and this desire does not get any weaker. If anything, it's stronger. And I don't understand why it's there.

 

He definitely does know how to manipulate. He's definitely suggested things about past bfs (negative things) that he had no basis for suggesting and I feel like he did it because he knows how susceptible to suggestion I am.

 

Is it the power imbalance I'm attracted to?

[Ay Diesel T]

Ok, so I have sexual feelings for my therapist of 5 years. I started seeing him because of the death of a person I knew. I was encouaged to have a chat to a therapist about it even though I felt I didn't need it (as I was dealing fine) and when I saw him.. I think I felt a mutual attraction between us.

 

He asked me to keep coming back to talk about "other stuff" .. and for five years we've had this therapy relationship where I go chat to him if I'm stressed about something or making an important life decision I want to talk over.

 

I'd estimate about a 15 year age difference between us. I think he's attracted to me. He often comments about my appearance. Once he told me that a lot of men would want me. I asked him why and he said because of my face and my body. He says I'm very attractive. I also just get the vibe. We've also talked about orgasming and .. can I say it on here? Long word beginning with m to do with self-pleasuring? We talked about it in the context of having a healthy sexual understanding of your body. He pretty much told me what to do to myself to have a better orgasm. I think he often encourages a sexual theme to our conversation when I in the past have made it clear I didnt want to discuss that stuff. I felt more comfortable discussing it recently (cause I have the hots for him) and he certainly didn't hold back.

 

Anyway, this wouldnt be a problem except that lately I've had some really strong sexual feelings for him. I want to have sex with him.

 

That's impossible for many reasons but I can't stop fantasisng about it. Any thoughts or advice?

 

 

Honestly? It sounds like he hustled you. Times are hard, gotta get that consumer....aaaah what's the word I'm looking for here? Dedication? You know, customers that keep coming back. Somebody help me here lol...

 

 

Anyways you get the point, I think he was just ensuring a frequent comeback for business. A little compliment here and there, feign attraction, that'll surely soften you up and make you more comfortable with him...therefore ensuring you'd return. He's a professional therapist, and he's 15 years your senior, he can read you like a book - really though, he went to school for it. It's best you treat this as it is, a fantasy.

[Duckduckgoose]

Umm... if you need a therapist in the future check into one that is the same gender you are. When I got set up with a counselor and did the personality/needs/issues assessment I was told very clearly that they only match same sex counselors and clients. I think this is a good idea. They didn't outright say for sexual reasons, but that is what I assumed.

 

Plus women with similar personalities understand each other better.. and my counselor is a lot like me, which I am happy for. There are good therapists and counselors out there... this guy is a creep

[searching_learning]

Honestly? It sounds like he hustled you. Times are hard, gotta get that consumer....aaaah what's the word I'm looking for here? Dedication? You know, customers that keep coming back. Somebody help me here lol...

 

 

Anyways you get the point, I think he was just ensuring a frequent comeback for business. A little compliment here and there, feign attraction, that'll surely soften you up and make you more comfortable with him...therefore ensuring you'd return. He's a professional therapist, and he's 15 years your senior, he can read you like a book - really though, he went to school for it. It's best you treat this as it is, a fantasy.

 

This is what I think too sometimes .. but where i live, times are not tough. We aren't going through an economic crisis like the US is - he is actually hard to get appointments with, he's always booked up (but when I call up he gets his receptionist to put me on the "wait list" because someone always cancels at the last minute - and I always get my appointment) and, like I said, when I was in another State and agreed to "phone sessions" - he refused to charge me when I pretty much begged that he take my money (I felt really akward getting his services for "free" - but he just wouldnt charge me). Would he turn down money I was really pushing he accept if he was just hustling me?

[searching_learning]

But I agree - he can read me like a book and I know he loves that he can. It's one of the things that's always annoyed me about him - because the fact that he loves he can is always really apparent on his face.

 

The weird thing is.. a large part of me doesn't even like him as a person. There are too many things about him that .. I genuinely dislike. The lack of professionalism is one. Sometimes he comes off as smug. He often gives me terrible advice. He has a completely different set of values and he makes fun of my "moral code" as he calls it sometimes. A part of me really dislikes him. But I so badly want to sleep with him. And I don't understand those feelings.

[searching_learning]

Umm... if you need a therapist in the future check into one that is the same gender you are. When I got set up with a counselor and did the personality/needs/issues assessment I was told very clearly that they only match same sex counselors and clients. I think this is a good idea. They didn't outright say for sexual reasons, but that is what I assumed.

 

Plus women with similar personalities understand each other better.. and my counselor is a lot like me, which I am happy for. There are good therapists and counselors out there... this guy is a creep

 

I think this is great advice for the future. The funny thing is - if I ever had a real problem (like depression or whatever), I'd never trust him with it. I would have seen someone else anyway. I dont actually think he's that good as a therapist - he's more the guy at the bar that you would sit down and spill your guts to - who listens and gives you his opinion - but it doesn't really come off as a therapist talking to you. One of my partners had sexual issues (an ED) and we went to see a therapist together for it (he was too scared to go alone) and - the difference between the two was enormous. For one thing, this lady from the first session set out what the goals of therapy were and told us the approach she'd take (mine never did that) and she never really imposed her views or beliefs or made judgments. She just gave us information and tried to help us get to where WE wanted to be - not where she thought we should want to be (unlike mine).

 

And - when I've had friends or family members need therapy - I've never recommended my guy because I just don't trust him.

 

So I don't know why I kept going back and I really don't know why I have these feelings. I don't trust him.. a massive part of me dislikes him.. and yet I have the biggest desire I've ever felt ..ever.. to sleep with him. It's on my mind WAY too often and I don't understand it.

[Duckduckgoose]

The weird thing is.. a large part of me doesn't even like him as a person. There are too many things about him that .. I genuinely dislike. The lack of professionalism is one. Sometimes he comes off as smug. He often gives me terrible advice. He has a completely different set of values and he makes fun of my "moral code" as he calls it sometimes. A part of me really dislikes him. But I so badly want to sleep with him. And I don't understand those feelings.

 

Ugh... I would slap this guy silly.

[searching_learning]

There are good therapists and counselors out there... this guy is a creep

 

Ok - I'm glad you agree he's a creep. This is my feeling too but I keep telling myself "what if its just me. What if I'm being hostile and thinking negative thoughts about him because I'm reading too much into things".

 

I find it hard to say "it's not me, it's you that's the problem with this therapist/client relationship". I have said it once in the past - at the beginning when I really felt uncomfortable after some things he'd said - I felt he'd pretty much structured it so that there were very few boundaries between us and that wasn't right for either of us - and it took a lot out of me to tell him this. I was in tears and angry when I told him how I felt.

 

It's easier to think I'm misjudging things than to think that he's the one that's out of line.

[jane100]

You could try changing from a male to a female therapist for a while and see how that feels. There is no law that says you should stick to the same one forever. I think we get different things from different people, and different therapists have their strengths and weakness (which you seem to recognise clearly actually).

 

As regards sexual attraction, it is very common. However, it usually fades rather quickly after the "honeymoon" period and then the "real" relationship begins!!!!. The fact that it is continuing after so long, is perplexing perhaps - is he encouraging it as you seem to suggest (a pretty awful thing to do to a client), I am not quite clear here if it is him or you. After 5 years of therapy, perhaps you could be trusting your own judgment / instinct - if he's doing his job well ....

[searching_learning]

You could try changing from a male to a female therapist for a while and see how that feels. There is no law that says you should stick to the same one forever. I think we get different things from different people, and different therapists have their strengths and weakness (which you seem to recognise clearly actually).

 

As regards sexual attraction, it is very common. However, it usually fades rather quickly after the "honeymoon" period and then the "real" relationship begins!!!!. The fact that it is continuing after so long, is perplexing perhaps - is he encouraging it as you seem to suggest (a pretty awful thing to do to a client), I am not quite clear here if it is him or you. After 5 years of therapy, perhaps you could be trusting your own judgment / instinct - if he's doing his job well ....

 

I guess its complicated by the fact that - there's no specific issue I was ever seeking therapy for? The very first session was about the death of someone I worked with. Work paid for the session - for many people. It's just that he quickly changed the topic to other aspects of my life and said it would be good for me to come back. Since then we just talk in the same way you would talk with a really close friend that you'd be open with. You know - what another friend did to upset you. Or.. feeling stressed about work. Or wishing you did something different for work. Or.. I've just started seeing someone - this is how I think I feel about them. etc.

 

Just irrelevant stuff - I don't know why I kept going back - I guess it's because he always encouraged email contact - and what would happen is I'd email regularly and he'd reply and every now and then he'd say in his email "I think you should come in so we can talk more about this" - and because I felt guilty (that we had so much correspondence outside of therapy that I wasn't paying for) I'd go in.. I would go in because I felt like it was a good opportunity to pay him for all the time he spent emailing me.

 

Believe me - I dont want a relationship with this man. I don't like him enough as a person for that. I just want to sleep with him - and that's not like me. And it really unnerves me.

 

I think in the past, despite sooo many things irritating me about him - I liked keeping in contact because it was fun to have someone I could spill my guts to who i KNEW wouldnt go off and tell all my other friends. He was like the bank vault of thoughts/feelings/secrets/desires. And better than a journal - he could talk back.

 

I think when I first started to have feelings (a month or so before I stopped seeing him) - I guess he did "encourage" it. He's always asked me to open up about sexual things in the past and I've always point blank refused. So I finally began doing that.. I guess because I started to have those feelings and I just did it - and he completely went with it. He was emailing me to do things that were pretty explicit (in order to help me have a better orgasm - he wanted to know if I've had one before - I said I didn't know and I thought I had - and described what I thought was an orgasm.. and he said it sounded like I was on the verge of having a really great one.. and this is what I should do to myself to get there.. and then told me quite explicitly what he thought I should do.

 

A little while after that I knew I had to stop all contact.

 

I wrote him a really short email saying I don't think this is a good idea and I don't think this is beneficial for me - thanks for everything, goodbye.

 

So he hasn't replied or contacted me in any way since that so my feelings should have subsided, right? I think a part of why they haven't is that I feel like he's waiting for me to cave.

 

After I moved to that State.. after the phone call sessions he wouldn't let me pay for - and after he wanted to meet up for coffee.. and after he said a few things, I decided to stop therapy and the reason I gave him was that "I just don't think I need it". He tried to change my mind but I stuck to it for.. nearly 6 months. Then a guy I was dating was causing me so much heartache I felt like I needed someone to talk to and I just couldnt open up to my best friends because they had their own issues (much bigger than mine). So I called him - even though it felt a little humiliating to do so because I'd said just 6 months ago that I didn't need him anymore.

 

Anyway - he said something to me.. he said he always knew I'd be back eventually. This is one example of the smug behaviour and attitude that annoys the heck out of me.

 

So I guess in a way I feel like - he just assumes I'll change my mind. And feeling like he assumes that.. makes me doubt myself. And I think maybe that's why it's harder to stop thinking about him and let the feelings just subside.

 

But to be honest - the thing that really troubles me is WHY do I want to have sex with someone I dislike so much in so many ways? And WHY did I keep seeing him for so long? But in particular.. why would I want to have sex with someone like that? I don't get that at all.

[jane100]

Well you seem to understand that he abused his position professionally.

 

But apart from that, I cannot think of an easy answer - it is an example unfortunatley of a therapist creating more problems than they solve - very unfortunate but it does happen for a whole variety of reasons. People need to be alert when choosing a therapist that is right for them and not take it as a given; there are some poor and damaging therapists out there as well as some good ones.

 

I can't answer your very last question about being attracted to people you'd rather not be ... been there, and got the t-shirt, and am in need of advice here myself . Its just complicated by being in a supposedly therepeutic relationship.

 

Perhaps you need to see another therapist to talk about it? Sorry can't suggest anything else right now....

Edited February 3, 2011 by jane100

[searching_learning]

Well you seem to understand that he abused his position professionally.

 

But apart from that, I cannot think of an easy answer - it is an example unfortunatley of a therapist creating more problems than they solve - very unfortunate but it does happen for a whole variety of reasons. People need to be alert when choosing a therapist that is right for them and not take it as a given; there are some poor and damaging therapists out there as well as some good ones.

 

I can't answer your very last question about being attracted to people you'd rather not be ... been there, and got the t-shirt, and am in need of advice here myself . Its just complicated by being in a supposedly therepeutic relationship.

 

Perhaps you need to see another therapist to talk about it? Sorry can't suggest anything else right now....

 

lol - no I think you've all actually been very helpful. It's helped to write it all out and get responses and some affirmation of my thoughts on this.

 

Maybe it's just a combination of feeling sexually frustrated at the moment - on top of knowing, or feeling, that he's interested that way, add on top the fact that he's attractive but he frustrates and annoys me (which maybe can make sexual frustration in general worse?) .. add on top that the way I feel bothers me so I think too much about it - and that probably explains most of it..

 

Thanks to everyone - you have all been really helpful.