Asami Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) My bf ad I have been dating about 8 months. We met on an online interracial dating site. The relationship has been LDR from the start. When we first met, he told me about the off and on 11 year relationship that he had with his ex. He said that things ended very badly between them and the child she was carrying can possibly be his. He told me that she did this before this last baby , but it turned out that the child was not his. he decided to stay with her and raise that child as his own but things just didn't work out between them so they split up. When I asked him why hasn't he tried to get a DNA test done for the baby she just had, she flat out refused and she didn't contact him until very recently. They worked out their differences she told him that he's the father he told he that he just wants to be a father to his son, and nothing else between them. Since he told her that he's moved on, it seems like this woman is using his weekness( the fact that he wants a family) to her advantage i. e. come over and see the baby I'll fix you your favourite meal, sleep over etc...last night, we had an arguement about the ex. My bf got dropped from the program that he was enrolled in at school and he currently works part time. Because he hasn't worked very many hours, he's been strapped for cash. I offered to help him out becuase he did the same for me when I didn't have a job. He mentioned that his ex is having a bday party for her son brady, but she dosen't have the money to throw him a party and he told her that he was going to give her the money! WTF I don't understand why he's taking on responsibilities when he has enough already. He got upset with me when I shared my thoughts, and he accused me of having a problem with the child that he possibly has with her.(he beieves 100% the child is his.. Oh by the way we were both planning on ending the LDR when we both moved to the state we want to move to. am I being selffish for my thoughts? any imput advice is welcomed.. Edited February 2, 2011 by Asami
heartshaped Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I think he definitely should get a DNA test for the child. Though you can't force him to do so, I think it's a bit naive of him to just automatically accept this child as his when she did this in the past and if he is having excessive contact with her other than what is needed to be in his child's life then that is disrespectful to you. I don't think you are being selfish at all and I think you are right when you say she is using the child against him. I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted him back at all, but what can you do unless he decides to step up and demand a DNA test and set boundaries with this woman?
creighton0123 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Are you overreacting? No. You seemed to have gotten yourself involved with some people who are both overly dramatic and fail at rational communication and thought. He's your boyfriend of eight months and only eight months. You shouldn't be, in any way shape or form, supporting him. It sounds like this baby is just turning one or two years old. If the mother and your boyfriend/potential father are strapped for cash, there is absolutely no reason to throw a birthday party for such a young child. Get a whistler and a cupcake and sing happy birthday... the whole thing can be achieved spending only a few dollars for something the child isn't going to even remember.
Author Asami Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) Are you overreacting? No. You seemed to have gotten yourself involved with some people who are both overly dramatic and fail at rational communication and thought. He's your boyfriend of eight months and only eight months. You shouldn't be, in any way shape or form, supporting him. It sounds like this baby is just turning one or two years old. If the mother and your boyfriend/potential father are strapped for cash, there is absolutely no reason to throw a birthday party for such a young child. Get a whistler and a cupcake and sing happy birthday... the whole thing can be achieved spending only a few dollars for something the child isn't going to even remember. The party is for brady the child that she said was his but it turned out not to be based on the DNA test I just didnt get why he feels obligated to support Brady (who not his son) financially when he has other priorities.like finding out if baby jake is his..kwim? btw, thanks for your honest opinion.. Edited February 2, 2011 by Asami
Author Asami Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I think he definitely should get a DNA test for the child. Though you can't force him to do so, I think it's a bit naive of him to just automatically accept this child as his when she did this in the past and if he is having excessive contact with her other than what is needed to be in his child's life then that is disrespectful to you. I don't think you are being selfish at all and I think you are right when you say she is using the child against him. I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted him back at all, but what can you do unless he decides to step up and demand a DNA test and set boundaries with this woman? exactly. I told him that he shouldn't get too attached since this happened before and he was crushed the first time this happened..he said that he sees Brady as his son since he raised him ..I guess I'm questionng if this relationship can be saved. I can see baby momma drama and she's already using baby jake as a pawn and we're not even sure if baby jake is his!
Lucky_One Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Have you ever met him? When are you both moving to the different state?
Author Asami Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Have you ever met him? When are you both moving to the different state? yes we've met 6 times and we were planning to move summer next year.
Lucky_One Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Thanks. I don't see a problem with him wanting to still "father" a child that is not biologically his. There is a HUGE problem in the states with children being born to single moms and who have zero fatherly influence in their lives. Kudos to him for wanting to remain this child's dad, even though he is not his child genetically. I have a friend who strongly believes that his middle child is not his (believes oldest is, and youngest is definitely not - wife was having EMA), and still sued for (and won) full custody of all THREE children, even though wife acknowledged that baby was from her lover and child #2 was during a troubled time when my friend says they weren't having sex and child looks just like XW's lover. My friend loves all three fiercely and deeply and identically, and believes that those kids are better off with him. Anyway, where he spends his money is not your business right now, assuming that he isn't spending it on crack. You live totally apart, you haven't dated that long, and you don't have joint expenses that he is neglecting. That said, you shouldn't be sending him money. He is at least 27 or so, and is a big enough man to father 2 children. I would be worried, actually, that he isn't in school and isn't working FT. How is he going to pay for his share of expenses when he moves to this different state? Is he putting his moving plan into action NOW? What is he going to do when he moves there - school, work, both? Is he looking for a job or a school there NOW? Do you two have housing set up, and the money set aside for deposits and first month rent?
Author Asami Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thanks. I don't see a problem with him wanting to still "father" a child that is not biologically his. There is a HUGE problem in the states with children being born to single moms and who have zero fatherly influence in their lives. Kudos to him for wanting to remain this child's dad, even though he is not his child genetically. I have a friend who strongly believes that his middle child is not his (believes oldest is, and youngest is definitely not - wife was having EMA), and still sued for (and won) full custody of all THREE children, even though wife acknowledged that baby was from her lover and child #2 was during a troubled time when my friend says they weren't having sex and child looks just like XW's lover. My friend loves all three fiercely and deeply and identically, and believes that those kids are better off with him. Anyway, where he spends his money is not your business right now, assuming that he isn't spending it on crack. You live totally apart, you haven't dated that long, and you don't have joint expenses that he is neglecting. That said, you shouldn't be sending him money. He is at least 27 or so, and is a big enough man to father 2 children. I would be worried, actually, that he isn't in school and isn't working FT. How is he going to pay for his share of expenses when he moves to this different state? Is he putting his moving plan into action NOW? What is he going to do when he moves there - school, work, both? Is he looking for a job or a school there NOW? Do you two have housing set up, and the money set aside for deposits and first month rent? yes, we're both currently looking for jobs in the state that we want to move to. He's has been accepted to a school where we want to move to and he plans on school and work so yes to both.
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