Crazy Magnet Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Been with my BF over a year, we live together, have made a few purchases together (furniture, etc) but otherwise are not entangled (meaning no bank accounts or mortgages together or anything). I am 31, he is 36. I've been divorced about 5 years, he's never been married but he has had a few long term relationships (2-3 years). After a recent life clarifying event, I pushed the envelope. I want marriage and I want kids, and I want all these things sooner rather than later. When we decided to cohabitate it was under the agreement that we would get engaged soon. It's now been almost 7 months and there is still no ring. When this life event happened I had one of those "OMG are you EVER going to do it moments because you KNEW the only reason I said yes to moving in was because you PROMISED there was a ring coming. Otherwise I was FINE living with my roommate (despite her terrible messiness.) and you should have left me alone." The response I got was he is "unsure" of if I am the one or not. (WTF....then why tell me I was the one before!?!) I am not perfect but neither is he. I'm willing to take him like he is, faults and all and I'm really hurt that he thinks I am so flawed that he went from being sure to unsure. Talk about an ego blow. He actually bought an engagement ring in December. I didn't know, so when he asked me what I thought about that ring later I said I didn't like it. He basically is trying to say that he's almost sure, or sure enough to buy a ring, but not sure enough to propose. Is this BS, or is it just me? Now I don't know what to do. Should I stay and see if he changes his mind again or go on an kick him out. I'm not interested in playing games or wasting my time on a man who isn't wanting forever with me. The unfortunate part for me is that my last family member finally died, leaving me all by my lonesome. I honestly have no desire for a wedding or anything anymore. What's the point, I have no one to see it? But I do think some type of formal forever commitment is necessary for me to stay with someone for life. Some kind of ring exchange or something. I don't need the piece of paper, but I need something. I'm sure I'm leaving out some details so feel free to ask for clarification.
heartshaped Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your last family member. Do you think maybe your boyfriend's problem is a fear of commitment? You say he was in some long term relationships before, do you have any idea why they ended?
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 The girls broke up with him. I think he was just really young in the first one. The second one wanted to marry him, but he didn't want to marry her and it was more of a "we hang out all the time anyway so we might as well date" type relationship. The third one they were just terrible incompatible from the beginning. He says now he has no idea why they ever dated to begin with. The most recent one lasted over three years. He said the first year was good and the next couple of years he kept hoping things would get better (hmmm....sounds familiar!). She broke up with him but he's never really articulated why. He said they both resented each other in the end because they wanted different things. He wanted to marry her she didn't want to marry him.
Woggle Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I know you have said in the past that you were very ambivalent. You were not sure if you wanted it or not so do you think he picks up on this uncertainty?
heartshaped Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Maybe he's just getting a bit of cold feet? It sounds like even though he has had long term relationships in the past, they weren't terribly serious [as in both parties agreeing that this could possibly/would lead to marriage] though the whole he's "unsure if you are the one" thing is a bit worrying.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I know you have said in the past that you were very ambivalent. You were not sure if you wanted it or not so do you think he picks up on this uncertainty? I have had moments when I have wanted to jump off a cliff because he drives me nuts. Mostly it's just over the cats, which seem to have been taken care of at this point. I'm sure he has picked up on some of it though. The longer he puts off proposing the more I probably pull back. It's hard to keep investing so much in someone who isn't willing to put as much into a relationship. Or it is for me anyway. Maybe he's just getting a bit of cold feet? It sounds like even though he has had long term relationships in the past, they weren't terribly serious [as in both parties agreeing that this could possibly/would lead to marriage] though the whole he's "unsure if you are the one" thing is a bit worrying. It's worrisome enough that I had my moment of if you don't want me then just leave me conversation. He mostly thinks my new found "get with it or get out" is just a phase brought on by death. It doesn't seem like that to me, but who knows.
MrNate Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Eh, I guess wait and see. Proposing is a pretty heavy decision for a man. Especially only after over one year. He might be wondering if this is happening too soon. I don't know, something that is supposed to be natural seems a bit forced in that OP. But I very well could be reading wrong.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Eh, I guess wait and see. Proposing is a pretty heavy decision for a man. Especially only after over one year. He might be wondering if this is happening too soon. I don't know, something that is supposed to be natural seems a bit forced in that OP. But I very well could be reading wrong. He has always said he wanted to marry me and wanted to propose. So when my last family member was dying I admit, I did a little please do it now begging. I so desperately wanted to have someone to call and tell or who would know. I don't think I'm crazy for that, for wanting someone in my family to tell. Suddenly he was "unsure" If he had already gotten so serious about it to buy a ring, why not go on and do it so someone very important in my life can see? His only answer now literally is "I'm unsure." He can't even really articulate why he's unsure or give examples of things I do that he wants me to improve or change.
zengirl Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I feel for you. That's pretty much my biggest fear in terms of ever moving in with a guy before marriage again (ironically, the only man I've lived with DID ask me to marry him, but I didn't want to, so no idea why; I guess I never want to be on the other side of that). I think what I would do --- and I'm not saying you should, as you're not me --- is start making plans to move out. I'd say I wasn't ready to live with a man who was unsure, and maybe we should take some space. No pressure. Stay together, happy, but I just need my own place. I had a roommate when I was 21 who did this with her BF and it worked. They got engaged that year. He realized he wanted to marry her after a few months of her moved-out. But I think it only worked because that wasn't WHY she did it, and she could've moved on past him, if he wasn't showing her what she needed to see. I'm not suggesting it as a game. I'm not even sure if I'm suggesting it, really. It's just what I'd do, but I'd be prepared for the relationship to end, potentially. I wouldn't want to pressure someone into being "sure" but I also wouldn't want to feel "on hold" about it. To me, being alone would be better than being with someone who made me feel "on hold." Only you know how you feel, and how much of it is him. On the OTHER HAND, your motivations aren't the greatest (feeling pressure on this because of your family member dying), and he may just not want to propose in this time, or have you accept now, because you feel vulnerable. So he may be waiting because of that, too.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I feel for you. That's pretty much my biggest fear in terms of ever moving in with a guy before marriage again (ironically, the only man I've lived with DID ask me to marry him, but I didn't want to, so no idea why; I guess I never want to be on the other side of that). I think what I would do --- and I'm not saying you should, as you're not me --- is start making plans to move out. I'd say I wasn't ready to live with a man who was unsure, and maybe we should take some space. No pressure. Stay together, happy, but I just need my own place. I had a roommate when I was 21 who did this with her BF and it worked. They got engaged that year. He realized he wanted to marry her after a few months of her moved-out. But I think it only worked because that wasn't WHY she did it, and she could've moved on past him, if he wasn't showing her what she needed to see. I'm not suggesting it as a game. I'm not even sure if I'm suggesting it, really. It's just what I'd do, but I'd be prepared for the relationship to end, potentially. I wouldn't want to pressure someone into being "sure" but I also wouldn't want to feel "on hold" about it. To me, being alone would be better than being with someone who made me feel "on hold." Only you know how you feel, and how much of it is him. On the OTHER HAND, your motivations aren't the greatest (feeling pressure on this because of your family member dying), and he may just not want to propose in this time, or have you accept now, because you feel vulnerable. So he may be waiting because of that, too. I would feel my motivations were crappy IF he hadn't already bought a ring and if there wasn't a diamond sitting there waiting to go in the ring. All parts were ready to go. Plus, I was really upfront and honest with him saying that if it didn't happen before my last family member died I was never getting married. I'm ok with that. The marriage thing was mostly for him anyway as he's the only one big on having the paper and the same last name. He got mad at me when I reminded him of that saying I should be considerate of his needs and his family's needs and get married for him anyway. Umm....so then why couldn't he be considerate of MY family?? :mad::mad: The engagement/marriage thing was more important to them than me. I've considered going on and moving out. To stay in this area though I'd need another roommate and I am currently fresh out of roommates. I guess the problem isn't so much "oh I want him to propose so we can get married" since I could care less about the marriage part. However, I do want him to either decide to commit to being a life partner or let me go. There are plenty of men interested in life long commitment without the marriage (just look as these boards!) I keep thinking, surely, of all the men in the world, ONE would like to be with me and have babies and would be cool with not getting married. Thanks for all the feedback so far. I don't want to make any irrational decisions. Once I'm gone, I'm gone for good so I try to think about it carefully before I leave.
jerbear Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I have questions: 1) Have you two ever taken a long vacation of a week or longer? I understand living together is onething, the weeklong vacation is another. How did that go? 2) Have you two ever been apart and not attached? I know sometims a short break, example business trip, can be challenging to a relationship. I hate the Lets take a break but it is one thing to be in a safe environment like "home" versus just you two on vacation where there is no safety net and no one near you. 7 months can be unsure and quite frankly that is why I'm asking about the vacation and separation.
Imajerk17 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) You've been with him only 15 months (you said a little more than a year), you're divorced already, you're ALREADY pressuring him for marriage, AND you criticized his ring choices? Wow lady, you sure sound like a catch. You're coming across, here anyway, as a Ball & Chain. Your boyfriend is probably feeling that too (and no wonder), and so he is hesitating. It's not him, it's you. Edited February 2, 2011 by Imajerk17
carhill Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Start looking at apartments You moved in after five months of dating. Milk and cows. I'm trying to imagine telling a woman I live with and have sex with often that 'I'm not sure if you're the one'. Some guys have all the luck...
Imajerk17 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Start looking at apartments You moved in after five months of dating. Milk and cows. I'm trying to imagine telling a woman I live with and have sex with often that 'I'm not sure if you're the one'. Some guys have all the luck... Sure. But most guys don't like being nagged and criticized either. Things I am picking up that the OP is doing to her bf.
carhill Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) I re-read the OP. Where is the nagging? Disclaimer: I dressed up in a Santa suit to propose to my wife. Perhaps the OP should discount my advice Edited February 2, 2011 by carhill
Imajerk17 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I re-read the OP. Where is the nagging? --Pressuring him about marriage after only 1 year together (and after she is divorced already--makes me think she is rushing into things is just "husband-hunting"). --Criticizing his ring choice. If these two (major) things came out in such a short post, chances are there are more.
AverageJoe Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 You've been with him only 15 months (you said a little more than a year), you're divorced already, you're ALREADY pressuring him for marriage, AND you criticized his ring choices? Wow lady, you sure sound like a catch. You're coming across, here anyway, as a Ball & Chain. Your boyfriend is probably feeling that too (and no wonder), and so he is hesitating. It's not him, it's you. Bingo! Its only been over a year! What is the damn hurry? I re-read the OP. Where is the nagging? It isn't nagging. This is an ultimatum. He should run for his life.
9Lives Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 she is moving too fast and pressuring him and that is what he is tell her without telling her.....FOREVER is a long time. If he is not sure, thats the answer. I dont think just because everybody in her family is not living means he needs to commit to her. You moved in with a guy after 5 months. That doesnt sound smart. He offers you a ring and then you tell him you dont like it. That may have hurt his feelings. If he is not sure and he told you, then I think if this is not acceptable to you, you need to make a move. he doesnt owe you anything.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Disclaimer: I dressed up in a Santa suit to propose to my wife. Perhaps the OP should discount my advice You did that because you wanted to get some of that ho ho ho? Just kidding! Don't kill meeee!
carhill Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 No, rather because, unlike the OP's boyfriend, I'm a romantic person who believes in showing actions of commitment to a lady I profess to love and have sex with. Nothing more and nothing less. You'll note that my advice is running counter to the male advice here and I'm also much older than those giving it. That's instructive. Their advice perhaps is more applicable to those of their generation. Most of my friends are happily married old farts
9Lives Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 You did that because you wanted to get some of that ho ho ho? Just kidding! Don't kill meeee! hahahahahahahahahahahahaha........You are so damm funny!!!!! you got me dying on the couch....no you didnt
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Apparently people keep missing the part where I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED, HE DOES. It was important to him He's the one caught up on having the same last name. He's the one who doesn't want the life-partner thing. He is the one who doesn't want to have kids without getting hitched. I'm perfectly fine with never getting married again. Getting married is a lovely fairytale but it's just that, a fairytale. I don't need that to be content with my life. He knew from the time we started dating that if I didn't have any family left I wasn't going to go there. How can I be "husband hunting" when I don't want another husband?? And for the record, I got divorced because my exH apparently had a thing for male prostitutes on the internet and was violent. I won't even start listing off the illegal activities he apparently got himself into. So save me the "you're already divorced" song and dance. HEEEELL yes I am. I'm proud to have left that man, it wasn't easy to get out. As for the ring choice I didn't know he bought it. It was the first day we ever looked. I wasn't expecting him to buy anything any time soon. He asked me what I thought and I said it was alright but it wasn't my first choice and I would prefer something that suited my personality better. I didn't know I was criticizing his choice because I didn't know he bought the thing. He never gave it to me or told me he bought it until my family member, lying there on the deathbed, started pleading with me to get engaged before they died and I had to tell them it wasn't going to happen. I left the hospital room bawling and I guess he thought telling me that in the moment would somehow be comforting. But then he followed it with "I'm unsure" so it wasn't so comforting. My problem is he went from "You are the one." to "I am unsure." with no explanation. Now I don't know what to do. Hope he changes his mind again and wants to be life partners? Move on so I can find someone who does want me? Also for the record, it was his idea to move in together, not mine. We had a long talk about how I was happy where I was and how I wasn't interested in living with a man unless he was on the forever bandwagon. He went on and on about how he I was his forever person. I had one moment of please let's do this before they die and then dropped it when he said he was unsure. I can't see how that's nagging. After my family member died I simply told my BF that I needed time to decide if I wanted to leave or not since he wasn't sure about me anymore. How is that nagging? I'm not discussing this with him constantly, I'm trying to make up my own mind.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I have questions: 1) Have you two ever taken a long vacation of a week or longer? I understand living together is onething, the weeklong vacation is another. How did that go? Yes, we have been on several long and short vacations together. They have all been wonderful. We actually love getting that alone time to focus on each other. 2) Have you two ever been apart and not attached? I know sometims a short break, example business trip, can be challenging to a relationship. I often travel for my professional life. Those are fine too. I miss him like crazy but it doesn't do anything catastrophic. . If anything he's the clingy one of the two of us.
Woggle Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 To be fair in the original post you said that you want marriage and you want kids. You seem unsure of what you actually so I don't blame him for being unsure.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 To be fair in the original post you said that you want marriage and you want kids. You seem unsure of what you actually so I don't blame him for being unsure. Marriage would have been nice, but it's not a must have. I'm not adamantly opposed, I just think about what it will be like to have absolutely no family there and it's not something I think I can stomach. Kids are a must have for me. And I have waffled on and off about the marriage thing in general since my divorce (Woggle: I'm fairly certain I married the male version of your ex-wife, so you can probably understand where the waffling comes in.) However, it was important to him, so I was willing to do it, for him. It wasn't because I was hell bent on getting a husband.
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