Accusation!

February 1, 2011

Hi everyone

I'm currently engaged to the most wonderful woman ever but we've only been together for 8 months and are going to marry in June. It's been a whirlwind thing but I love her and she loves me. Or so I thought?

She has accused me of cheating on her and I'm very hurt. I haven't, nor would I because I just don't do that. Anyway, I'm interested in outside opinions?

On Saturday I was supposed to meet her for lunch in a very crowded shopping mall/food hall and I got lost. I only had an hour anyway because I had to be somewhere to set up for a gig (I'm a part time musician) so I cried off and said I would come home to collect her later to come to the gig. The venue is an hour away from where we live.

On the way I got low on fuel and stopped at a gas station en route and used her bank card to pay for the fuel. She goes online this morning to check her finances and asks what I was doing in this place on Saturday? I explained that it was a fuel station but she didn't believe me and said it was a coincidence that I didn't want to meet her for lunch!!!

I received a call on my phone last night from a wrong number but didn't answer it because I didn't recognise the number. I listened to my voicemail after and it was a guy I didn't know, so I correctly assumed that it was indeed a wrong number. She included this as suspicious too, even though I played her the mesage?

She has since admitted that she was wrong and being daft but I'm still in the doghouse for getting annoyed when she accused me.

She has always maintained that she is not the insecure or jealous type but this behaviour says otherwise to me. She also gave me crap the other week for an email I sent to a lesbian friend.

What do you think? I love her and don't want to be without her but it seems she doesn't trust me, even though I've never given her any reason to doubt me.

February 1, 2011

It sucks that all these things happened by coincidence and made her suspicious of you.

I think the main point is that you've only known each other for 8 months and she doesn't really fully know you. Don't get me wrong, she know you well enough, but there must be some voice in her head that's telling her that she doesn't know you WELL ENOUGH.

Do you know if she has been cheated on before? That could also cause the kind of reaction you're seeing.

February 1, 2011

That's what first came to my mind, if she had been cheated on in the past.

If she has, then you might expect more of this sort of behavior. If you do love her, reassure her and help her learn to trust you.

February 2, 2011

Thank you for your replies.

She was cheated on when she was 16, but should that really affect someone who is now in their mid-30's?

She tells me that in previous relationships she called all the shots.

I spoke with her when she came in last night and she said she couldn't understand why I got angry because all she did was ask a few questions. Well I'm sorry but it was way more than that; she'd googled the place where the gas station was yesterday morning and said my explanation didn't add up. That is more than a few questions and although after 8 months I don't know her that well I know her well enough to know when she's being funny with me, which she was. It's like she tried to play down her confrontation and make me out to be the bad guy.

I display my love to her so much, constant texts throughout the day, constant tactile affection, flowers sent to her work (although not really of late as we're saving to get married), sentimental gifts, I clean the house when I'm off work, cook for her and just generally do whatever I can for her to help. She says that she doesn't really know how much I love her??

February 2, 2011

IMHO---you have a contolling, jealous woman that you are with----You have known her for 8 months, and in another few months are gonna marry her----You might wanna rethink your whole situation----

Give it some more time---and see how the 2 of you handle the chore of daily living---basically all the 2 of you are doing is shacking-up, and she is already giving you grief----

Remember once you say I DO---you just can't walk away---this does not seem to be a woman, you just jump into a legal relationship with at this point----You need to tell her because of her overly suspicious nature, and much to, accusatory tendencies, you want the wedding postponed, till the 2 of you really do know each other, much better

Right now some of the time, you are happy, but some of the time you are unhappy, and troubled---and in most relationships where the 2 partners are really into each other and trust each other, there is little or no unhappiness---there are always everyday problems to deal with---but certainly there should be no trust problems, that come from one of the partners scrutinizing every move the other partner makes----be very careful

February 2, 2011

IMHO---you have a contolling, jealous woman that you are with----You have known her for 8 months, and in another few months are gonna marry her----You might wanna rethink your whole situation----

Give it some more time---and see how the 2 of you handle the chore of daily living---basically all the 2 of you are doing is shacking-up, and she is already giving you grief----

Remember once you say I DO---you just can't walk away---this does not seem to be a woman, you just jump into a legal relationship with at this point----You need to tell her because of her overly suspicious nature, and much to, accusatory tendencies, you want the wedding postponed, till the 2 of you really do know each other, much better

Right now some of the time, you are happy, but some of the time you are unhappy, and troubled---and in most relationships where the 2 partners are really into each other and trust each other, there is little or no unhappiness---there are always everyday problems to deal with---but certainly there should be no trust problems, that come from one of the partners scrutinizing every move the other partner makes----be very careful

I agree with this, be careful, take things more slowly and see how it goes. She does sound controlling and her suspicion is over the top given the context of what you described.

February 2, 2011

Hi everyone

I'm currently engaged to the most wonderful woman ever but we've only been together for 8 months and are going to marry in June. It's been a whirlwind thing but I love her and she loves me. Or so I thought?

She has accused me of cheating on her and I'm very hurt. I haven't, nor would I because I just don't do that. Anyway, I'm interested in outside opinions?

this is just a possibility, but in my experience, when there is no evidence or reason to suspect someone of cheating, yet you get accused of it, alot of times its because the person doing the accusing could actually be cheating. and therefore hoping you are too so the don't feel AS bad about cheating themselves. or looking for a reason to leave the relationship if they are cheating.

February 2, 2011

I don't know her that well I know her well enough to know when she's being funny with me,

then you definitely don't know her well enough to get married.

and start supporting yourself... using her card for your gas isn't evidence of a man that's ready to get married. show evidence that you can provide for yourself - then consider offering yourself as a self supporting man to another gal.

you don't even know her well enough to read her mood... much less consider marriage.

February 2, 2011

Reverse psychology comes to mind...

February 2, 2011

Reverse psychology comes to mind...

OMG I was thinking of the same exact thing. heehee:laugh:

February 2, 2011

then you definitely don't know her well enough to get married.

and start supporting yourself... using her card for your gas isn't evidence of a man that's ready to get married. show evidence that you can provide for yourself - then consider offering yourself as a self supporting man to another gal.

you don't even know her well enough to read her mood... much less consider marriage.

Yes, 8 months isn't that long of knowing someone, deeply inside and out, what makes them tick.

It's very obvious she has control issues, (she called the shots in her past relationships?? Not a healthy attitude to have) she needs to learn to COMPROMISE and trust. Not doubt all the time, and when evidence is presented, she still balks at it.

Think about getting pre marriage counselling.

February 3, 2011

I agree that this behaviour could be a red flag.

She might be controlling and insecure or she might be untrustworthy herself. I would slow things down and make sure you really know her before you take the leap to marriage. I lived with the insanely insecure guy and it was hell! Crazy accusations, hours upon hours of defending my perfectly normal day to day activities.

It went like this,

"why are you five 10 minutes late getting home?"

"because there was an accident slowing up traffic"

"That's a lie!! Tell me who you are f**king behind my back"

or "why didn't you answer the phone when I called?"

"Because I was talking to my mom on the other line and I didn't want to interrupt her"

"your lying!! What were you really doing?" and the accusations were always followed with horrible interrogations that would go on for hours if I didn't just get up and walk out.

Oh my God! It was such an insane way to live. Can you imagine having to stop at store on the way home from work and feeling a mountain of anxiety over the ****storm that you know is coming because now you're five minutes late? It's just out and out crazy so be very careful before you commit to this person.

February 4, 2011

All I know is I feel like crap right now. She keeps kicking me and she's not taking care of my love for her as far as I'm concerned and it's starting to make me feel cold.

Something happened last night that made me stop during sex. She didn't understand and she started being a bitch to me. I have had problems in the past with ED but that is fixed now because I shared the problem with her, got treatment and all is ok.

Anyway, I was hugging her in bed, I said something nice to her and she just said in an arrogant tongue "don't bother talking to me cos I'm in a foul mood and I'm just going to be a bitch!" I explained all about why I stopped and she was sorry and apologetic, but she kind of said that I can't stop during sex once we've started? WTF is that all about? If she doesn't want sex we don't have it, period!!!! And I have no problem with that, I respect it. I explained to her that if there are times in our relationship that I don't fancy sex, it will be just that and not ED. I asked her if she had ED too, because she has not fancied sex many times throughout this relationship?!!!

She was sorry again this morning but I'm beginning to not care anymore. I'm a good man, extremely giving in a relationship but I have needs myself and she doesn't seem to respect that. She will come home one day soon and find me gone, I can only take so much before I give up. :( :(

February 4, 2011

All I know is I feel like crap right now. She keeps kicking me and she's not taking care of my love for her as far as I'm concerned and it's starting to make me feel cold.

Something happened last night that made me stop during sex. She didn't understand and she started being a bitch to me. I have had problems in the past with ED but that is fixed now because I shared the problem with her, got treatment and all is ok.

Anyway, I was hugging her in bed, I said something nice to her and she just said in an arrogant tongue "don't bother talking to me cos I'm in a foul mood and I'm just going to be a bitch!" I explained all about why I stopped and she was sorry and apologetic, but she kind of said that I can't stop during sex once we've started? WTF is that all about? If she doesn't want sex we don't have it, period!!!! And I have no problem with that, I respect it. I explained to her that if there are times in our relationship that I don't fancy sex, it will be just that and not ED. I asked her if she had ED too, because she has not fancied sex many times throughout this relationship?!!!

She was sorry again this morning but I'm beginning to not care anymore. I'm a good man, extremely giving in a relationship but I have needs myself and she doesn't seem to respect that. She will come home one day soon and find me gone, I can only take so much before I give up. :( :(

I'm sorry that things are turning out crappy with this girl. But honestly just from the quote above (not even considering the whole insecurity / cheating accusations) - this girl sounds like a bitch.

Its best you know this now before you make the mistake of marrying her. Plenty of fish in the sea (and lots of them are pretty and shiny and not bitchy)

February 4, 2011

Wow, move on my friend. Move on. For heavens sakes do not marry this bird, she is; well you already know.

February 4, 2011

em

I was in a relationship like this. I had to leave it because I was getting physically sick (ulcers) because I was getting beat down so much for something I didn't do.

you gf is insecure and she will remain that way, and keep on beating you up emotionally over her insecurities. You may want to make the decision to leave her for your own health.

February 4, 2011

Gets better as well. Today we're on a good one, very happy, great sex etc and shared a nice bath afterwards. Anyway, she then announces that if the ED were ever to become a problem she couldn't cope with it. So I'd probably be single again.

February 6, 2011

Dude, run for the hills...seriously. Leave.

February 6, 2011

Dude, run for the hills...seriously. Leave.

seriously! no one should have to be around someone that disrespectful and disregarding - much less date or marry them.

she is showing you what life would be like with her. why are you thinking this is enough when it looks so awful?

February 7, 2011

Gets better as well. Today we're on a good one' date=' very happy, great sex etc and shared a nice bath afterwards. Anyway, she then announces that if the ED were ever to become a problem she couldn't cope with it. So I'd probably be single again. [/quote']

Wow, that comes across like she really wants to make sure you are on the back foot all the time, even when you have a nice time there's a warning from her that it might not last.

You'd be better off single than having this insecurity continuously.

February 10, 2011

It sounds like this relationship could just destroy you. You risk your self-esteem, self-worth and personal security by being with this woman. I know it sounds like you have some really good days but I would minimally put off a wedding to a woman who places all of her insecurities on you.