JaneyAmazed Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I was just curious about something. Now that I've had an A, my idea of when the cheating began changed. I told myself that e-mails/phone calls, but no sex is not cheating, but I know it is now. Some people say that a kiss isn't cheating. Now that I've experienced what I have, I would have to say that the only way it's not cheating is if my husband could be there with me and the other man and be ok with what is said or done. I say this because I remember when there was a "shift" in the nature of my friendship with xOM. Maybe I'm being too extreme because of what I've gone through. So anyway, what do you consider cheating or not cheating? Have you always felt that way or didn't something happen to change that?
liverpool fc Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 i think cheating is from physical contact like you mentioned definately but to me the texting saying i love you and stuff like that to another person is cheating because really your only supposed to be saying that to your partner (you can say it to your family members of course though) and if you got caught out saying it to another person it would still have big consequences
carhill Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 IMO, the best way to determine it is to have one's spouse standing right next to one as the interactions are going on. Their reaction is a good indicator of how appropriate the interaction is. There are many interactions other than sexual/emotional infidelity which de-prioritize and/or undermine the intimacy and fidelity of a mutually agreed monogamous relationship. One's spouse should be the final arbiter of appropriateness. For example, if my wife tells her girlfriend about my performance in the bedroom and that girlfriend, armed with that information, later acts inappropriately sexually with me, where is the boundary? Alternatively, for example, the girlfriend doesn't betray the relationship, but looks me in the eye, embraces me as her friend's husband and knows some or all of my private business. Is that OK? Some men might get turned on by that. I do not. So, YMMV. When in doubt, ask your spouse
woinlove Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I was just curious about something. Now that I've had an A, my idea of when the cheating began changed. I told myself that e-mails/phone calls, but no sex is not cheating, but I know it is now. Some people say that a kiss isn't cheating. Now that I've experienced what I have, I would have to say that the only way it's not cheating is if my husband could be there with me and the other man and be ok with what is said or done. I say this because I remember when there was a "shift" in the nature of my friendship with xOM. Maybe I'm being too extreme because of what I've gone through. So anyway, what do you consider cheating or not cheating? Have you always felt that way or didn't something happen to change that? I completely agree with the bolded. I'm in an open M, so our boundaries are different, but I use this exact same check. If I am not certain my H would be ok with what is said and done, I don't do it. That applies to emails and phone calls too. I don't operate on any uncertain assumptions, so if I'm not sure, we discuss it. Heck, when I'm sure, we discuss it, too.
What_Next Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Perhaps I could ask my wife this question and see what she says, in fact it might prove very useful indeed. I suppose there are degrees right? Some might say flirting is a form of cheating, I don't necessarily agree with that, and it is all to easy for flirting to go too far. Also it is definitely possible for a "friendship" to go too far in terms of healthy boundaries. In my own mind cheating occurs when your SO engages in any behavior (be it physical or emotional) that must be hidden. Or perhaps if it is discovered will lead to significant consequences.
misternoname Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I believe there are levels of sevarity with cheating. For example, flirting isn't as bad as kissing which isn't as bad as heavy petting which isn't as bad as sex, etc. BUT (big but) cheating regardless of the level is still a betrayal so I humbly suggest the definition is -if you have an interaction with another person that your SO would be hurt and or offended by is indeed cheating. Let your conscious be your guide!
UnsureinSeattle Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 When there's inappropriate intimacy with someone else- emotional or otherwise.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Perhaps I could ask my wife this question and see what she says, in fact it might prove very useful indeed. I suppose there are degrees right? Some might say flirting is a form of cheating, I don't necessarily agree with that, and it is all to easy for flirting to go too far. Also it is definitely possible for a "friendship" to go too far in terms of healthy boundaries. In my own mind cheating occurs when your SO engages in any behavior (be it physical or emotional) that must be hidden. Or perhaps if it is discovered will lead to significant consequences. It's interesting because throughout my whole marriage, I never thought there was anything wrong with flirting, but I know that it can go too far. I think it depends on the person too. Like, I know some people that flirt all the time but are faithful to their spouse and it's all in fun, but then there of those that flirt that have other intentions. I think it's safe to avoid flirting if you have an SO. Now I think about how would I feel if my husband was flirting with someone, harmless or not. It wouldn't feel good.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 By the way, on my original post in the last sentence, I meant to type "did" not "didn't."
2sure Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Like you, with hindsight its easy to answer. When my exH's cheating came to light I originally thought it was a "boundary" problem. I told him then and I will tell anyone now: Its cheating if your conversation or behavior would be different if your spouse was with you.
freestyle Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Any secrets being kept from one partner constitutes cheating, IMO. I view it as little more than an attempt to mislead one partner by withholding information that would allow them to make an accurately informed decision about an important part of their life. Lying by omission is still lying--it's an act of calculated deception. As far as I'm concerned, the only time it's acceptable to keep a secret from your partner is when you're buying a gift, or planning a surprise party........then by all means, be as evil as you wish......
What_Next Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Its cheating if your conversation or behavior would be different if your spouse was with you. Well said 2sure, well said! FWIW regarding flirting, I have my own personal bias, but I feel as though it boils down to a respect issue. Respect for your SO. Keep it within those boundaries and it can be fun and healthy, but so few can actually behave like that.
In Like Flynn Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I think is starts when you are doing something (texts, talking, etc) that you hide from your spouse.
Bittersweetie Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I think an important factor as well is when you start expending energy on the other person, energy that should be spent on your spouse. Energy being emailing, texting, talking, or even just thinking about the other person. All these things take away from the time and energy that should be focused on your spouse.
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I was just curious about something. Now that I've had an A, my idea of when the cheating began changed. I told myself that e-mails/phone calls, but no sex is not cheating, but I know it is now. Some people say that a kiss isn't cheating. Now that I've experienced what I have, I would have to say that the only way it's not cheating is if my husband could be there with me and the other man and be ok with what is said or done. I say this because I remember when there was a "shift" in the nature of my friendship with xOM. Maybe I'm being too extreme because of what I've gone through. So anyway, what do you consider cheating or not cheating? Have you always felt that way or didn't something happen to change that? Well, in all honesty, cheating begins when your spouse says it does! If you wouldn't say it, do it, view it with him hanging over your shoulder watching you, that's cheating. If you wouldn't want him to say it, do it, or view without you standing next to him, that's cheating. The FIRST TIME you kept a text, email, call, conversation, feeling of attraction A SECRET FROM HIM, yep, you were on your way to cheating. It is normal to feel attractions for others. In the very best marriages, the couple talks about and plans together a way to keep boundaries preserved. Imagine that! Before my spouse had his affair, I so trusted him, none of this was ever an issue for me. But now we work really hard to preserve our relationship. I visit his workplace and he visits mine. (His affair was with a co-worker.) We spend much more time together, and we never put ourselves in situations where boundaries can be crossed.
SoulStorm Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 To the point... Cheating begins when you have emotions for someone else that you keep secret from your companion. That could be in the form of calls, texts or emails. The very moment you feel a tingle of excitement to get that correspondence and keep it to yourself..that's when your cheating begins. It starts in the heart..then it manifests itself physically. When I say heart I mean spritually..your inner self..your soul. As a man/woman thinks in his/her heart..so is he/she.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 To the point... Cheating begins when you have emotions for someone else that you keep secret from your companion. That could be in the form of calls, texts or emails. The very moment you feel a tingle of excitement to get that correspondence and keep it to yourself..that's when your cheating begins. It starts in the heart..then it manifests itself physically. When I say heart I mean spritually..your inner self..your soul. As a man/woman thinks in his/her heart..so is he/she. This is the truth!!! If only everyone could just STOP at that first "tingle of excitement," so much pain could be avoided. If only I could rewind my life...
bentnotbroken Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I was just curious about something. Now that I've had an A, my idea of when the cheating began changed. I told myself that e-mails/phone calls, but no sex is not cheating, but I know it is now. Some people say that a kiss isn't cheating. Now that I've experienced what I have, I would have to say that the only way it's not cheating is if my husband could be there with me and the other man and be ok with what is said or done. I say this because I remember when there was a "shift" in the nature of my friendship with xOM. Maybe I'm being too extreme because of what I've gone through. So anyway, what do you consider cheating or not cheating? Have you always felt that way or didn't something happen to change that? I haven't read the other responses but IMO cheating begins the minute the actions of the two people involved becomes a secret. If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse(including allowing them to read the emails and texts) it is cheating.
wheelwright Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I was just curious about something. Now that I've had an A, my idea of when the cheating began changed. I told myself that e-mails/phone calls, but no sex is not cheating, but I know it is now. Some people say that a kiss isn't cheating. Now that I've experienced what I have, I would have to say that the only way it's not cheating is if my husband could be there with me and the other man and be ok with what is said or done. I say this because I remember when there was a "shift" in the nature of my friendship with xOM. Maybe I'm being too extreme because of what I've gone through. So anyway, what do you consider cheating or not cheating? Have you always felt that way or didn't something happen to change that? I'd say there's looking for it and not. That it can be very subconscious. That when it's spoken about, it becomes an EA. That one person can be conscious, and the other not. That if it's not conscious, it can catch you unawares. That building intimacy always leads to this risk, and now I am wiser, I don't confuse that with something deeper even if another does.
on1wheel Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 That's easy...cheating is anything said or done that you wouldn't do right in front of your H or W. Not that Clintin BS where he said a BJ isn't cheating. Oh yeah, try that in front of Hillary then Billy!!! Anyway, think of what you would like your spouse to do while out with another, then answer that question again.
jnj express Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 You really think flirting is just fun----flirting is an invitation, to bring it on--and if you think it is anything else---then you need to change your thinking If you are inviting someone to do anything---it is cheating It is real simple of you wanna flirt, be playful do whatever---stay single When you flirt---you don't know how that other person is gonna react---and if they think you are inviting them, whether in fun or not---there is a problem Same thing with texting, talking on phone or in person---if it is with friends---keep it brief--check up on what you wanna talk about briefly, and end it---anything else becomes inapropriate----friendly conversation needs no more than a few minutes at the most---business conversation, needs to end when the business discussion is over----actually texting unless it is for necessity, shouldn't be done at all----texting is basically being secretive
HappyAtLast Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Its cheating if your conversation or behavior would be different if your spouse was with you. Yes, absolutely the truth. If both parties keep that in mind and conduct themselves accordingly cheating will not be an issue in your marriage. This philosophy has served me well for forty years now.
HeartBroken25 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi, Cheating is any physical contact. Intimate text messages will inevitably lead to cheating when he or she gets the right opportunity and it would take great self restraint not to do something. Women and men tend to cheat for differing reasons though and there perception of cheating is often different.
Spark1111 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hi, Cheating is any physical contact. Intimate text messages will inevitably lead to cheating when he or she gets the right opportunity and it would take great self restraint not to do something. Women and men tend to cheat for differing reasons though and there perception of cheating is often different. Hi Heartbroken. I have to disagree that cheating is only ANY physical contact. I think it begins much earlier than that, with the first secret you intentionally keep from your spouse: secret text, emails, flirtatious conversation, cup of coffee. It's cheating waaaaay before anything turns physical.
East7 Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Having read a lot about infidelity, what is considered 'cheating' is different whether it is a woman's or a man's perspective : - Woman relate cheating to feelings/emotions. If their H has feelings/emotions or flirts with another woman, that is considered cheating. For how surprising it may sound woman forgive more easily physical infidelity rather than emotional one. If the H says it was just a fling I never loved OW, he has more chances to be forgiven than saying I loved OW but I never touched her. - Men relate cheating mostly to physical interaction (not that they are OK with emotional cheating). Men are much more hurt if their SO had sex with someone else, rather than just exchanging ILYs. As opposite to women's perspective, they forgive more easily the emotional cheating rather than the physical one. I don't really consider flirting as cheating, BUT it is disrespectful to the SO. Also flirting is playing with the fire if you let it go too far (All the A start that way). Now Janey, I wouldn't suggest that you fall in an radical POV, having male friends is Ok as long as the interactions are healthy and friendly.
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