chise Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Hi, I really need to take this out of my chest. I am really sad. I am also disappointed but with myself. And now I do not know what to do. We met last january and we got along extremely well from the beginning. We talked during hours every day and it was clear that we liked each other. As I live in Paris and he lives in the UK we never had too many opportunities to see each other. But we made it happen and we started to travel just to spend time together. From the beginning was clear we were FWB but we had too much fun outside the bedroom. Sex was just incredible and he was always so attracted to me. We crossed all the lines, cuddling, sleep overs, holding hands, texting all the time ... and I was mistaken. Lately I was very nagging mainly because of my feelings and insecurities and he was very patient. We decide to spend the last week end together despite he started a new job and he had to catch two planes to arrive. And I couldn't suck it up and told him everything I had in my mind. He said if I have expectations we should stop the sex part but that he loves me and he does not want to lose me as a friend. We sleep together cuddling and talking but we didn't have sex. He said that what we share is the important thing and we can remove the sex if we cannot handle it. That it is rare to go along so well and so on. He also admits he has been thinking less about me lately because he is very busy with his new job. Then we go out for breakfast and he was kissing and holding me as if he loved me. He kissed my forehead and hold me tight saying he does not want to leave. I cried my eyes out. I do not see us as friends. Of course I care and love him but is this the base of a real friendship ? We exchange some emails yesterday about stupid things we like but I am not sure I can continue with this anymore. And I do not want to look childish not talking to him but I need time. Sometimes I think that he is all lovely just because he feels guilty but when he arrives home he does not care that much. Maybe unfair of me. He told me that no one takes two planes to see other person if he does not care but i do not know anymore. Is it childish to stop contact foe a while ? Why is he behaving this way ? Thanks for reading this. It is long but i needed to talk to someone. Edited February 1, 2011 by chise
elastica Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 From the beginning was clear we were FWB but ... How was it clear from the beginning that it was a FWB? Did he discuss this with you, or it just happened this way, without any dicussion of the situation? I am sorry that you have to go through this sh.t.
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I had a man very similar in my life and it all came to a head around 3 weeks ago. Since then we have been negotiating how to continue as he is now determined he does not want a relationship, while I have feelings for him - he tried hard to carry on seeing me under his terms whilst acting like a wanker. I made the final decision on Sunday to walk away for a couple of reasons. The first out of respect for myself, I have already compromised considerably throughout our time together and displayed patience I didn't even know I possessed. Secondly he is well aware of all my wonderful character traits and leaving will be the only way he can ever decipher in his own head how valuable I have become in his life. Such things can be painful of course, but by protecting your own interests you have a solid esteem and respect for yourself.
elastica Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Chise, I just realized you have posted in OM/OW before. Is this the same guy? Is he married?
Author chise Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 It was my mistake because I thought that given his interest in me, how attracted we were and all the affection we shared this would progress normally. When I realized that this could not be the case I looked for reassurance (nagging) and then i preferred to speak up. I told him that I do not want to be his f*ck buddy, for me sex is important - maybe not for him - and after one year doing this I got attached. He said that i am not his f*ck buddy but if for me sex is so meaningful he is fine keeping just the affection side. I do not even know why he cares so much ....
Lishy Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 This is not a FWB situation, it is an affair with a married man. Of course he does not think about you alot as he has a wife to think about and you are in another country ... He is neither your friend nor do you get any decent benefits You just have to ask yourself if you are worth more than this???
Nexus One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Why is he behaving this way ? I'm guessing he's with you for his need for intimacy. That doesn't just include sex, but also a good time, physical contact, etc. I think it's a situation where the "friends with benefits" label no longer applies and it becomes something like "boyfriend and girlfriend without the love". If then one of you does fall in love, then that dynamic snaps. I actually feel bad for you women, because in these kind of situations if there is an agreement, then men are pretty good at following that agreement. When there's such an agreement, then men can do all the things that lovers do, but without "that" core feeling. Perhaps you women can do that too, but in a less intimate way. For example, one night stands. You have sex, but for the rest there's nothing, it's meaningless beyond the sex. Men can have meaningless sex, but they can also have meaningless relationships to quench their thirst for intimacy. (not just sex) In such cases they can say, "I care about you", as in "I care about your wellbeing as my partner for intimacy", but they can't say "I love you", because they don't feel that in their core. When men make such agreements, they tend to stick with it. They make such agreements, because they know they can stick to that agreement for the aforementioned reasons. After seeing what kind of sh*t this causes for women I will not consider doing something like this. Have never done it by the way either, I'm sure I could, but I won't, because I wouldn't want to get in such a situation myself either. Probably the worst thing about it for you(women) is that the men in such cases retract themselves from you for your own good. Because they probably know that it would be painful for you to be around someone that doesn't feel the same. So instead of keeping such a situation "alive", they remove themselves from the situation, for you. Edited February 1, 2011 by Nexus One
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Nexus you should have your own show somewhere, your perception and the way you articulate it is exceptional for me. On the thread, not sure I have seen any confirmation he is married beyond presumptions??
Poke_Dott Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Leave him. the sooner the better. Leave him before you stay longer and get attached and it will be impossibly hard t leave then. Do it befor ehe does it an dou will be heart broken then
elastica Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Nexus you should have your own show somewhere, your perception and the way you articulate it is exceptional for me. On the thread, not sure I have seen any confirmation he is married beyond presumptions?? I am not sure. If this is the same guy she wrote about before, he is/was either married or in a LTR. But until OP comes back, we will not know.
Author chise Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Thanks for your replies. Nexus, I think you are right but the funny thing is he wants to keep the intimacy and remove the sex because he thinks both together are painful for me. BUT what is painful now is the intimacy too. Elastica, he is in a LTR but i knew about this late last year. During most of the time I thought he was single.
Nexus One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Elastica, he is in a LTR but i knew about this late last year. During most of the time I thought he was single. Well that is a different situation from the one I was talking about. What you're talking about is an affair. If I were you I would be pissed at him, he tricked you. Also, no woman should ever want to be "that extra woman on the side", if that's what you were thinking about settling for. One shouldn't come between two lovers and as a person you deserve more than being some fling on the side. Edited February 1, 2011 by Nexus One
Questionis Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Yes, the problem is always about getting attached. Just use this as your learning curve and don't compromise in the beginning anymore. For whatever reason he doesn't want to address the fears/issues that he himself is causing. Yes he took too planes for you, but sometimes it is not enough! Look at it like that, if your car as over heated and you need water in the radiator, it won't matter that the tank is full of gas/petrol. Let him go, its far more difficult to build up self respect when you've lost it than to find a new man when you have "lost" one. Gather your friends round and be prepared to cry your eyes out for a while, it will probably hurt really bad. Fill your time with the things you have always wanted to do, if you don't know what they are then you've been neglecting yourself. Make ammends!
9Lives Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 sounds like he was cheating on his gf with you and now he is done cheating. Take responsibility for your own actions. YOU said you knew you were fwb so whats the problem? Cha Cha dont make men change their minds. Alot of times the REASON you are the fwb is because they ALREADY know you are not going to be their woman. Good enough to poke but not to commit to. Women have to be smarter and count up all all all the cost. Got to be more careful
Mad Max Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 It was my mistake because I thought that given his interest in me, how attracted we were and all the affection we shared this would progress normally. When I realized that this could not be the case I looked for reassurance (nagging) and then i preferred to speak up. I told him that I do not want to be his f*ck buddy, for me sex is important - maybe not for him - and after one year doing this I got attached. He said that i am not his f*ck buddy but if for me sex is so meaningful he is fine keeping just the affection side. I do not even know why he cares so much .... If it's so important, why did you have it casually?
harmfulsweetz Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 FWB relationships, if you can call them that, are meant to be short-term fillers until you find the real thing, not drag on for a year. It sounds honestly, like he is ok with the intimacy that you guys share, and keeping it as it all is, because he benefits from it. You don't. Remove the sex won't work, because you know that if he is going to travel to a different country, he is gonna wanna get some. Also, the line has already been crossed. The fact he is already in an LTR means your feelings are completely unreciprocated. Do you even want to have feelings for a guy who is disloyal, lies and betrays his girlfriend? I do know the feeling, rather well, and that is why I'm not about to berate you for being involved in an A. He tricked you, and this speaks volumes about his character. You are just a bit on the side. FWB situations work best when it's limited to the sex, no cuddles, kisses outside of the bedroom, do not act like lovers. I've also been exactly where you are (if you remove the cheating aspect) where the guy slept with me, told me I meant loads to him and would cuddle me in public, etc. Turns out, he was telling a lot of girls the same thing. Without the necessary commitment component, he felt free to do as he wanted. He took it across the boundaries, and broke the rules by making me think he was as into this as I was. I think that's what could be going on here. You do have to take control of this situation, you need to understand your part and learn from it, and accept it. He can uphold this situation rather well, because he's not interested in getting into a relationship with you. He has one, already. Cut contact for good, I wouldn't even want him as your friend because he is not that.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Troll, as much as I do find trolls amusing, you could try and hide your identity for a little while...i.e. not call yourself a troll, and come up with something funny! Amateur, I'm disappointed, really, really disappointed in you.
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