ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 This is going to be a very long post.... Okay, my boyfriend moved into a house last November or so. There are 3 other people living with him... 2 brothers and one of them has a girlfriend that lives there also. Lately it's been bothering me with this other girl, C.. She cooks for the entire house. She won't let anyone else cook nor let anyone do the dishes. It is her kitchen and it will be her way. She cooks almost every night for "the boys" as she puts it (she is mid20's I think.) When I came over to make dinner for my boyfriend (spaghetti), she starts to fill the pan with water and tells me how to make it. In the end, she saves leftovers for us and does all the work herself. This bothered me because I was trying to do something nice for me and my boyfriend. I was irritated that I came off as not knowing how to cook pasta. Last night I was watching tv with my bf and she asked him to come in the kitchen and asked him to taste something. I don't know whether she fed him or whether he fed himself, either way, she wanted to make sure he enjoyed it, because "would you boys prefer me to feed you all dog sh*t? I want to make sure you boys like what I make." Then this morning she offered to wake me up instead of my bf, though she didn't see me sitting on the couch. My bf and her even go grocery shopping.. mainly because he gives the most money for the grocery bill, but I have never seen her bf or her bf's brother ever tag along nor do anything for her. And she is fine with that. She told me, "I like doing it." My bf has no problem with her cooking. He has to let her know when he's not coming for dinner however. It is beginning to really piss me off that I'm his gf and he needs to let her know ahead of time he won't be there for dinner tonight. We've been dating a total of almost 2 years and this just started. I don't know what to do about this. I've asked him and he thinks it's totally fine and I should come over and eat too. I'm not going to take advantage and I really would rather cook for myself. It's not the 1950's anymore, right? If I'm going to cook it's only for me or my boyfriend. What should I do? I am in dire need of advice.
Nexus One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Do you get the idea your boyfriend is cheating on you with her? I'm not saying he is, not at all, this is probably/possibly completely innocent. What I'm wondering about is your perspective on that situation, what you're sensing. Often it's men that are territorial when it comes to "their girl". Perhaps women have something similar. Perhaps that's what you're experiencing. Edited February 1, 2011 by Nexus One
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 No I don't think he's cheating at all. I don't sense that at all, in fact, he's completely oblivious to any of what she does. I know he views it innocently... I'm just not liking her behavior towards my bf. She has her own bf.. why doesn't she do that with him? I feel like she's got eyes for him and yeah, I'm feeling pretty possessive lately. I don't even like going over there because whenever I'm around her... I feel like she is competing with me and it is ridiculous. I don't like feeling like that and I never do around anyone else. She just makes me feel uncomfortable whenever I see her--- and it bothers me she cooks like she does. Everyone takes advantage of her... I feel like she's getting off on taking care of the "boys" and she is starting to like my bf a little too much. My bf sees nothing; like I said, he's not good about that; completely oblivious. I can't tell him because he has a tendency to be a tattle tale and try to "fix" my problems for me when it comes to me disliking the way someone acts. I just don't know how to feel better... or what to say... because every conversation I have with him on the phone, she is mentioned and he tells me how she laughs because of what he says to me. It's not intentional.. he just doesn't know... and I don't know how to properly handle this. It's been going on for months and it only bothers me more.
yah Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Well if you and the BF have dated for 2 yrs I'd think you would know what to do - talk to him. Personally, I think that girl is very sweet. Odd situation but that's very nice of her to cook and feed 3 boys every night. Your guy was able to have a nice, home cooked meal for so long. I understand your frustration but I understand her side of it too. She is used to it being "her kitchen" because it doesn't seem like any of the other 3 tenants objected to it. You don't live there, so technically speaking, your bf has to get the OK from the other 3 for you to use the space and probably let her know ahead of time so she can make arrangements for the others' dinner that night. You don't have a bf's roommate problem. You have a bf problem.
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Yep, it is a bf problem. It began with this girl, but yes, it is my bf. I do know what to do, but I also know how he is going to respond to me... I've done it before and it's always the same with him. He's going to say, "There is nothing to worry about.. you're overreacting. I love you and that's it." I don't think it's right that he can't cook for himself. I feel like this girl is only adding to the fact that my bf is incredibly lazy. Honestly, huge problem. Drives me nuts. He will miss class, he'll stay up night after night playing games, (he's going to be 26 this year), and does homework incredibly last minute (8 page papers 2 hrs before it's due). I guess I don't like this girl too much cause she is encouraging his laziness. He needs to grow up and she doesn't help that... Oh boy.. my own aha moment. What to do....
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Well if you and the BF have dated for 2 yrs I'd think you would know what to do - talk to him. Personally, I think that girl is very sweet. Odd situation but that's very nice of her to cook and feed 3 boys every night. Your guy was able to have a nice, home cooked meal for so long. I understand your frustration but I understand her side of it too. She is used to it being "her kitchen" because it doesn't seem like any of the other 3 tenants objected to it. You don't live there, so technically speaking, your bf has to get the OK from the other 3 for you to use the space and probably let her know ahead of time so she can make arrangements for the others' dinner that night. You don't have a bf's roommate problem. You have a bf problem. This woman sounds sweet? This woman sounds annoying and in need of hitting over the head with a saucepan. What is your own living situation? Can you invite him to yours? Perhaps eat out more? Stay away from theirs more often and do more things by yourself away from your boyfriend?
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) This woman sounds sweet? This woman sounds annoying and in need of hitting over the head with a saucepan. Thank you!! I find it incredibly annoying which is why I came to begin with. I live in an apartment with one other girl.. no more than 5 minutes away AND closer to campus. That's what I started doing concerning inviting him... I invite him but he says I never go over to his place, so I have to be fair to him. He was coming over all the time. But once I go over there... damn, I'm annoyed as fudge with her AND him. Edited February 1, 2011 by ladeedee
Lucky_One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Well if you and the BF have dated for 2 yrs I'd think you would know what to do - talk to him. You don't have a bf's roommate problem. You have a bf problem. I have to agree witht his. This isn't what she is doing - this is what he isn't doing. And what he is not doing is setting appropriate boundaries with her (being the only roommate who grocery shops with her?) or being protective of your R with him. You need to talk to him, and tell him that it bothers you. Tell him that you don't really like watching your BF do BF-like activities with another woman, and that you would like for him to stop the shopping trips. I am not sure where you are living, but could he come eat with you more often? Or make definite plans to cook dinner for him at his place, but after she has fed and cleaned up for the other guys.
heartshaped Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Eh, I don't think she's up to nothing except being nice. When I lived with roommates, I did all of the cooking even when I lived with female roommates as they didn't know how to cook or didn't like to cook. Some women are just the type that like to cook and clean and take care of other people. They get off on it. I don't think your real problem is with her. It's with him and that's something that you are eventually going to have to work out. It sounds like you are a little more than frustrated with his behavior towards her and towards other aspects of his life as well.
Lucky_One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I read your other response, and see that you have an apt of your own. Why not split your evenings at the apts? Sort of an every-other-night deal. Or how about suggesting to her that the two of you try some new menus and cooking techniques, and work together to do meals at the same time. Even though you feel threatened by her, approaching her to do something companionable could actually lead you to a better friendship with her as you work together. Start watching a cooking show together, and then plan the menus and divide the cooking chores. Could it be bothering you that he is wanting to spend more time at his place rather than at yours where you have more privacy (2 people vs 4), because this other girl is there?
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I feel like she does get off on it.. yeah she does enjoy it.. I even said to her, "You know you don't have to do this," and she said it's okay, she likes to do it. It drives me nuts cause I wouldn't do it. Also I put myself in the situation of being cooked for every night and I would feel incredibly weird and I'd feel bad and insist to do something for them. She cleans the whole house alone, cooks for 3 men, and will not allow anyone to do dishes. She yelled at my bf for doing them. I witnessed. Like I wrote earlier, yeah, problem is with bf but it's brought on with this girl... and I'm just in this crazy whirlwind trying to gain some footage. I'll take your advice as to what to say... but I think I'm going to wait a few days. He needs to go shopping because he pays most for the food.. he eats more than any of the others. Maybe I should plan shopping with them too? Ask when they go and join?
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I don't mind spending time there... it's just when I go, he wants to play video games. It's not fun for me most of the time. When I go over, I need to bring reading material otherwise I will get bored. This other girl however, will watch him play video games. I just feel like I want to do more than just sit around... I'm a very busy person. There's not a lot to do there, it's away from anything. I didn't mind the other girl until she started cooking for me and treating me like she was my mother (just this morning it happened again. I'm an adult, I don't want to be treated like the 3 boys). Also... whenever I am there and he has his arm around me or is hugging me (he is very affectionate), she just kind of glares at me... idk. I just don't get good vibes from her :/
Nexus One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 When I was still a student several years ago I used to come over at the houses where only male students lived. I'm telling you, never in my life have I seen such sh*t holes as the ones they created. Oh they had schedules for chores alright, except nobody ever did them. Beer cans everywhere. Doing the dishes? The dishes hadn't been done for a month and long white hairy mold was growing out of their pans and there were tiny green organisms swimming around in their "dish water", wtf? Vacuum cleaner? They had one, but it has never been used before. If it were not for her. That's what that house would look like though. Especially when they're gamers that game at night and procrastinate. I also visited houses where there were some female students around and those houses were significantly cleaner. The men lived cleaner lives there.
Lucky_One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Thinking about shopping in my house - family of 3. H, teenaged son, and me. I do the cooking, unless H is grilling. I do the shopping, unless I send H or son off with a **detailed** list. Son eats the most. It seems almost impossible for "separate budget people" (like roommates) to do their own shopping but share all meals. It seems much more convenient for the person who is doing the cooking to do the shopping. I can see why he might need to be chipping in more for the purchases, but there are also 2 other men who are eating, too. They don't "have" to shop because they eat less or pay less? I dunno - I don't get the logic for him to have to shop because he eats more. It would be WAY easier for her to shop by herself and just tell your BF what he owes when she tells the other guys what they owe. I will add this, although I don't want it to actively worry you. When I was in college, I dated a guy who went to another school. My roomies and I had a "supper club" with an apt full of guys close to us. One of the guys and I always did our grocery shopping together, and it was loads loads loads loads of fun. And it was always him and me, because we were wildly attracted to each other, which actively led to both of us breaking up with our BF/GF and dating each other. The constant togetherness, the fun of planning a fun activity together and the actual cooking together was very very sexy for us both.
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 It never made sense why he went either... I realized how weird it was when the 3rd roommate stayed home while those 2 went shopping. I had to leave (or join them) by a certain time so she could go shopping when she wanted to. I didn't want to go cause I was already annoyed (and went shopping yesterday alone). I should go next time I'm invited. Your story, Lucky One, makes me worry. This may be what she is thinking though.. but my bf would never ever cheat. It's not in him, I know him pretty well and it's just ridiculous. However, I do think that he is getting female attention elsewhere when I am not there. He wants to be taken care of. Just yesterday I asked him what would he do if the woman he marries couldn't cook, he said, "well she needs to be able to because I want my wife to cook all the time." He thinks he can't cook--- more like he won't. I plan on working and not being the 50s housewife.. and I've told him this. This girl though.. she's no threat physically or intelligently... I probably sound shallow, but the contents of what this girl is, is no threat to me. It's the fact that she is the "mother." I mean for God's sake, she laughs at his jokes and he tells me? She is very pleased with her boy. He wants a mommy, I guess. I'm not his mom, I'm his girlfriend. My bf lived in a fraternity house for 2 years before he moved to that house and he was the only one that ever cleaned or did anything lol. Now he has a Betty Crocker.
heartshaped Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 It sounds like you are sort of putting yourself in competition with this girl. Remember, you are his girlfriend and she's just the roommate/other guy's girlfriend. You are not in competition with her and if you don't like the way she treats you [acting like your mother] then, I would speak with her about it. You don't have to be rude or make a big deal out of it, but I would definitely say something to her about it. As for the grocery shopping, if it bothers you a lot, I don't see why he can't just give her a list of the things he would like to eat and then give her the money for it before or after she goes. I rarely went shopping with any of my roommates because our schedules differed so much. We'd make lists and put them out the counter and whoever would go shopping would get the things on the list and then show the other person the receipt. It was simple. Also, have you ever told him that it bothers you that he plays video games when you go over? My boyfriend loves video games, but doesn't really play around me unless we spend several days together and even then he always makes sure I'm okay with it/ have something else to do since it is pretty boring for the other person just to sit there while they play games.
Author ladeedee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I probably am putting myself in a competition... though I'm not acting on it. I'm by nature a competitive person... I mean, I'm more into football than my boyfriend lol. She competes with me though actively... I tried talking to her about cooking and all she did (honest to god) was correct me and had this matter-of-factly tone. I did try to get along with her. I talked to her about phones and it became the fact that I had a blackberry and she didn't. Then if I came over wearing earrings, next day she's wearing them. It's annoying. I don't compete with her when I'm there, I ignore her lol. I haven't told him that it was annoying and you are right I probably should. Yes watching people playing vid games is very very boring lol. I wish there was more to do. He's not as active as I am. I grew up in a sports house when I was little and its hard for me to sit around. Edited February 1, 2011 by ladeedee
Questionis Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Well I think your boyfriend needs to realise he is making you feel bad. Talk to him first, knowing guys he will not have a clue what you are talking about. I think that he just thinks, food, yes, not too bothered how he gets it. This girl look like she probably won't stop till you either cave in or take her on, which make come to slamming food around the kitchen, throwing what she cooked onto the floor, walls, bin etc. Shouting at her and threatening to cram it down her throat etc. Won't be pretty. Can you get him to move maybe?
alethean Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I probably am putting myself in a competition... though I'm not acting on it. I'm by nature a competitive person... I mean, I'm more into football than my boyfriend lol. She competes with me though actively... I tried talking to her about cooking and all she did (honest to god) was correct me and had this matter-of-factly tone. I did try to get along with her. I talked to her about phones and it became the fact that I had a blackberry and she didn't. Then if I came over wearing earrings, next day she's wearing them. It's annoying. I don't compete with her when I'm there, I ignore her lol. I haven't told him that it was annoying and you are right I probably should. Yes watching people playing vid games is very very boring lol. I wish there was more to do. He's not as active as I am. I grew up in a sports house when I was little and its hard for me to sit around. Wow. This sounds reeeeally annoying. I hope you talk to your boyfriend about the whole inactivity thing though. I'm not you, but if I were you, I would probably be annoyed at the fact that he expects certain things to be done for him (like the remark he made about his wife cooking for him all the time), as well as his general way of spending spare time. I wouldn't expect a change, but maybe come to an understanding. But as for that girl, psssh. She may be irritating, but she doesn't seem like something to worry about.
Author ladeedee Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 No she really isn't, she just drives me insane every time I go over. He doesn't find her as annoying. When we first had sex over there, we didn't do it for like a week of me staying. Then the next day after I left, she told my bf, "So I guess she finally got over her shyness?" regarding having sex. Drives me bananas. I talked to my bf last night about her and he said that I was being jealous and possessive. He said I'm viewing everything wrong. I told him about why I didn't like that she needs him to go shopping with her.. she actually waited to go shopping with just him and not her own boyfriend and it has happened before. So I told him I didn't like it, especially when he pays for his own groceries. Apparently I'm jealous and possessive now. It made me so mad because... I am not jealous of this girl in any way, shape or form. It's my bf and I simply don't like that this girl needs him so badly to go shopping and not with her own bf. I tried telling him and he wouldn't listen. Isn't he supposed to? I haven't talked to him about the boringness over there, but I'm going to wait a few days because I need to cool off after yesterday still.
depplover_1980 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 "So I guess she finally got over her shyness?" regarding having sex. Drives me bananas. DRIVES ME BANANAS TOO. God I can't stand this woman on your behalf. I would love to makes a load of cheesecakes and just put her face in them all!!
tinktronik Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 "So I guess she finally got over her shyness?" regarding having sex. Drives me bananas. DRIVES ME BANANAS TOO. God I can't stand this woman on your behalf. I would love to makes a load of cheesecakes and just put her face in them all!! You're right. The roommate sounds like a catty, competitive B!tch who's sticking her nose in your private business with the purpose of inserting nastiness into your R. Time to have a serious convo with the BF and stick your ground.
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