Feel like I am having a setback,what is this about?

[flowergirl77]

So I have kept NC, going on over 2 months now (aside from my one weak moment calling him). I feel the intense obsession has subsided, and I am more grounded and sane. I think of him, but not in a way like before, like I had to find way to see him..even if "accidentally" bumping into him. I would obsess over ways I could coincidentally bump into him just to see him.

It is not as intense, but I do think of him everyday. I feel like I have regressed though, like it is on my mind more again. I wonder if this is just another phase of my healing, like one step forward, two steps back kind of thing.

 

I am still having great challenges feeling connected to my H. I am not feeling things for him yet that I hope I will eventually.

 

Anyone else have this experience? I just want to forget him!!

[Rose1977]

I do think this is a normal part of healing. I have had my heart broken, as most of us have, though not through an A. But I think the healing of a broken heart goes pretty much the same regardless of how it came about. Sometimes you go weeks and everything is great, and then something happens where you're stuck thinking about him for a couple days... a dream, a song, something triggers it. I've been there, I think it's normal.

 

As far as not feeling connected to your H, I assume you are still continuing with therapy? Maybe the reality is that you are not meant to be with your H. Maybe both of you would be happy out of your M. I think only time will tell. But I have to tell you, you seem like a completely different person from when you came to LS. You seem much more clearheaded and able to process what you're feeling and what's going on. That's a good thing . I think what you are experiencing is normal. Whether your M stays together or not, I think all you can do is continue to work on yourself and you really can't go wrong. At least you will know that whatever decision you make is based on what you are truly feeling and not beng influenced by anything else.

[issohard]

Flower I am going thru the exactly same things at the moment. LC in December and NC thru Janary. Today I feel like calling him but I know I can't. He still cross my mind every day but the addiction part of it has fade away. I can eat and smile again but I still miss him terribly from time to time. I saw him on Friday as we work together and had little coworkers gathering together and since I saw him he is again constantly on my mind. U r right saying one step ahead two backwards because I feel the same. Besides I don't think it will back to normal with my H as I feel for him as a friend.

[JaneyAmazed]

So I have kept NC, going on over 2 months now (aside from my one weak moment calling him). I feel the intense obsession has subsided, and I am more grounded and sane. I think of him, but not in a way like before, like I had to find way to see him..even if "accidentally" bumping into him. I would obsess over ways I could coincidentally bump into him just to see him.

It is not as intense, but I do think of him everyday. I feel like I have regressed though, like it is on my mind more again. I wonder if this is just another phase of my healing, like one step forward, two steps back kind of thing.

 

I am still having great challenges feeling connected to my H. I am not feeling things for him yet that I hope I will eventually.

 

Anyone else have this experience? I just want to forget him!!

 

 

Hey Flower, I know what you are going through. I've only been NC since January 8th. I do have a connection with my H though. I have good and bad days when it comes to missing xOM. I too wish I could just forget him. My husband, of all people, actually helped me. He was married before, so when I met him many years ago, he was newly divorced. He didn't tell me then, but he told me a couple of days ago that while he was dating me, he still had to struggle with thoughts and memories of his ex-wife. He said she was still "a part of him." I know a lot of people would pounce on me for saying this, but I feel like a made xOM a part of me too. It's not easy to just walk away from that and not be wounded. There are days when I think about how bad he was for me and I'm relieved I'm away from him, but then there are days when my mind will not let me think of anything but the good times and I hate it!!! I start crying like a baby and starting hating myself again for even thinking of him. I know it hasn't even been a month so I do think this is all normal. Back to my story about my husband though - - sorry, I get off topic a lot! -- He said that over time, while he was dating me, he thought of her less and less. He said the key really was NC. He refused to talk to her or see her (thank God they didn't have any kids together) while we were dating. So, can you believe that my husband who I betrayed so terribly could even relate or help me in this situation? It was probably worse for him back then because he was actually married to the woman. He doesn't see me missing xOM as an insult to him. He sees it as a relationship I was in (though it was wrong/ his wasn't) that I have to heal from as well. He knows I cared about xOM. So here are my thoughts, I think we are going to be just fine if we remain NC. I believe with all my heart that the good days will start outweighing the bad. As DonnaMaybe said, keep your eye on the prize.

[JaneyAmazed]

Flower I am going thru the exactly same things at the moment. LC in December and NC thru Janary. Today I feel like calling him but I know I can't. He still cross my mind every day but the addiction part of it has fade away. I can eat and smile again but I still miss him terribly from time to time. I saw him on Friday as we work together and had little coworkers gathering together and since I saw him he is again constantly on my mind. U r right saying one step ahead two backwards because I feel the same. Besides I don't think it will back to normal with my H as I feel for him as a friend.

 

Hi Issohard, I can only imagine what that's like. I haven't seen xOM since NC started and I have a huge fear of seeing him. When I get my car to go somewhere, this feeling of dread comes over me. He lives in the same community as I do, and it's not a big town. I hate feeling that way. I too think that if I did see him and actually spoke to him, it would be one step ahead, two steps back. I hope if I ever do see him it's a LONG time from now and I am over him! Isn't that what we all wish?!

[JaneyAmazed]

Speaking of setbacks, I thought I'd share this because I just thought about it. This is going to sound so crazy, but I was doing pretty well yesterday until last night. The Bachelor came on TV. I haven't been watching it this season but I watched the last few minutes, and they were previewing next week's episode. I'm so glad I was by myself. They showed the bachelor in a hot tub I think and he had a tattoo on his back that looked almost exactly like one my xOM had. I had to turn it off. It was like a real flashback. The pain was intense in that moment. It seems like there are days where everything reminds me of him and it's tortureous. Today has been better though, other than writing posts about him. ... which I think is therapeudic today actually.

[woinlove]

FlowerG, you've been doing so much better. I think it is natural in any kind of emotional recovery to have setbacks along the way. At least, I've never found it to be a straight line ahead.

 

I don't know if your M will survive over the long term, but you've never written anything about your xOM that makes him sound like "the one" for you. From what you've written, it really sounds like an unhealthy addiction. Also, it is clear from what you've written that your children need you now. So, you are doing the absolutely right thing, in focussing on getting yourself healthier and stronger, focussing on your family, and staying NC with xOM. This is the right thing to do now, whether or not your M survives in the longer term. Try not to worry too much right now about feelings for your H and instead just focus on being kind to him, because I think this will make you happier and make your family life better for both of you and your children. It seems to me that it is still early days in dealing with the aftermath of your affair and maybe one step at a time is the best approach.

 

Stay strong! You can do it!

 

Note to JaneyA, your H sounds very understanding and kind. Just like you have triggers, he must too. But, again, you are doing the right thing now, and that matters a lot.

[flowergirl77]

Thanks everyone...I appreciate the thoughts.

 

I wish I could just turn my thoughts off..and fall back in love with my H. I wish I could feel for him what I used to feel, only now HE is willing to do the work to make things better, and I am shut off. I miss my job..and have been feeling a bit bitter that I had to leave b/c OM works there. He gets off without any repercussions from what I can see..and I am left with this mess of a life to clean up because HE wouldn't back off from pursuing me. I feel he got me roped into the feelings I developed for him..and I fought them very hard. I was in denial for awhile that I was actually starting to like the attention!

I know, I am responsible for not maintaining appropriate boundaries to keep those feelings in check. I got carried away in the good feelings as all of us do who get involved in a new relationship-only of course, I am married!

 

Anyways, this is the time last year I started to realize I was developing feelings for him-maybe it's nostalgia...I do miss how good i felt around him though. I miss talking to him about life, and him making me laugh.

 

This has sure not been easy!

[woinlove]

Thanks everyone...I appreciate the thoughts.

 

I wish I could just turn my thoughts off..and fall back in love with my H. I wish I could feel for him what I used to feel, only now HE is willing to do the work to make things better, and I am shut off. I miss my job..and have been feeling a bit bitter that I had to leave b/c OM works there. He gets off without any repercussions from what I can see..and I am left with this mess of a life to clean up because HE wouldn't back off from pursuing me. I feel he got me roped into the feelings I developed for him..and I fought them very hard. I was in denial for awhile that I was actually starting to like the attention!

I know, I am responsible for not maintaining appropriate boundaries to keep those feelings in check. I got carried away in the good feelings as all of us do who get involved in a new relationship-only of course, I am married!

 

Anyways, this is the time last year I started to realize I was developing feelings for him-maybe it's nostalgia...I do miss how good i felt around him though. I miss talking to him about life, and him making me laugh.

 

This has sure not been easy!

 

I think most (perhaps all) people in affairs are behaving selfishly. Maybe your xOM was even more selfish or behaved even more poorly. I can see why you would resent the fact that he seems to have not suffered any consequences and you have. But, in the long term, not suffering any consequences is not the bargain it looks like right now. People usually don't change significantly without consequences or some dramatic event. And who wants to continue being selfish and behaving poorly? One's life is almost certainly less happy and content in that case.

 

So, yes, you are suffering consequences and so are your family. But there is the opportunity for you all to come out stronger and happier. If xOM continues on as before, he likely missed the chance to make a significant change for the better.

[JaneyAmazed]

FlowerG, you've been doing so much better. I think it is natural in any kind of emotional recovery to have setbacks along the way. At least, I've never found it to be a straight line ahead.

 

I don't know if your M will survive over the long term, but you've never written anything about your xOM that makes him sound like "the one" for you. From what you've written, it really sounds like an unhealthy addiction. Also, it is clear from what you've written that your children need you now. So, you are doing the absolutely right thing, in focussing on getting yourself healthier and stronger, focussing on your family, and staying NC with xOM. This is the right thing to do now, whether or not your M survives in the longer term. Try not to worry too much right now about feelings for your H and instead just focus on being kind to him, because I think this will make you happier and make your family life better for both of you and your children. It seems to me that it is still early days in dealing with the aftermath of your affair and maybe one step at a time is the best approach.

 

Stay strong! You can do it!

 

Note to JaneyA, your H sounds very understanding and kind. Just like you have triggers, he must too. But, again, you are doing the right thing now, and that matters a lot.

 

 

I actually needed to hear that he has triggers. I know he does, but I've been throwing my own pity party today. I hate that he has triggers. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that he didn't ask me many questions about the A and he asked xOM no questions at all. What's bad about it to me is that he is probably imagining the worst...not there could be a "best" in that situation, but I really do hate I did that to him. I deserve the triggers and thoughts I have because I put that on myself, but he doesn't deserve any of it. He now has to deal with thoughts that he thought he'd never have to. I'm going to stop my pity party now and focus on my H.