makelemonade1974 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I'm starting to think being a spinster and living with twenty cats would be easier and less stressful than this. Met a guy, liked him, he's really nice, polite, attractive - kisses like a fish. No chemistry. Met a guy, liked him, he's young and hot, psychologist, generally emotionally "rapes" me on the third date with his psychobabble (got me to divulge more than I would of sooner than I would have - partly due to his "true confessions" stuff). Afterwards I have to change my therapist (very disrupting) because my therapist is his supervisor (he works at the place where I go to therapy, even though I met him online). Talked to him about this after and generally got the idea he is infantile, self-absorbed, and pretty much idiotic when it comes to dating. Too bad, he is so hot. Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend works with me. THAT is fun. Lately we have had nasty mailbox exchanges over returning each other's things. I really loved him and am rather heartbroken over the whole thing. He is a narcissist and hates me (even though he dumped ME - go figure). Lalala I have a date tomorrow with a guy who works in the same field as I do, so we have tons in common, but after that I think I'm taking myself off of match. This just isn't worth the stress - and the constant emails from overweight rednecks who don't read your profile. I just want to give up. Is there anyone out there? Do we really have to try this hard? How many terrible dates before you find a good one? Edited February 1, 2011 by makelemonade1974
Emilia Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 online dating can be depressing you are right. the way to avoid having dates with psychos is by screening them beforehand - make sure you chat with them plenty before the date
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I hate dating Lemonade, it is like having teeth pulled for me. Boring schmoring, which is why i'm giving it a rest for a while and got myself a new ****buddy instead. Very handsome and witty but not the brightest.
Nexus One Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I'm starting to think being a spinster and living with twenty cats would be easier and less stressful than this. And become the neighborhood's crazy cat lady? http://tinyurl.com/luxxg4
PerpetualMotion Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Although I date with the purpose of getting into a LTR, my immediate goal when dating is to just have a good time and to get to know the person I'm dating a little better. If the person isn't what I'm looking for, I simply move on. Sometimes, I do get a little disappointed that some girl wasn't what I was expecting, but, at the same time, I find myself fortunate for realizing that sooner than later and, hopefully, there were some good moments and it wasn't a complete waste of time.
radiodarcy Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I'm starting to think being a spinster and living with twenty cats would be easier and less stressful than this. i know what you mean. the area i live in has an incredibly high ratio of women to men. which means most of the guys i come across are either married or in committed relationships. the single guys i do come across either aren't looking for anything serious or don't know what they want. there's plenty of dishonesty/uncertainty going around - - i.e. men saying they're single when they're not. or saying they're ready for a relationship and then realizing they're not or they decide they are ready for a relationship - - just not with me it's enough to make my head hurt. so yeah - - living the spinster life is looking pretty good to me too...
paleblue Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 yes, I am fed up with dating too. I have been. met some good ones, but mostly its bad ones. seems to be a lot of work with little in return. it’s just becoming a pain. I work with mine as well. lately we have been hating each other also. I don’t even care to try being nice anymore. no, im not interested in being your friend, no matter how much time goes by, so good luck, have a nice life. all this garbage has been going on almost three years. back and forth. tired. about ready to completely turn inward and focus entirely on myself. will that make me self absorbed? oh well.
Cee Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Haha, I told my roommate that I am a crazy spinster without the cats. I get fed up with dating often. Usually, I take breaks from dating and then get back into it. I have a fulfilling social life so I don't feel bad when I stop dating. It gives me more time to pursue my interests. During the summer, I got into a mode where I really wanted a LTR. That wanting led to depression and frustration. So I stopped dating for a few months. And I disabled my online profile permanently. It's not for me. Now, I'm back on the dating scene and feel much more relaxed and refreshed. At this point, I'm not looking for anything specific. I want to date people and see where it leads.
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 You just gotta keep going until you find one you have fun with.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Yes, cats must be included in the lonely old woman scenario. I think it's okay to focus on yourself and turn inwards. When I met my ex (now granted, he broke my heart, but I loved him and we were together 2 1/2 yrs) I had given up on the dating scene. I met him when I least expected to fall in love. Maybe giving up is actually the trick to meeting someone. Why is it that people have to be so dishonest? Don't make out with me for ciol if you aren't interested. You shouldn't be on a dating site if you are married and/or looking for a hookup THAT NIGHT. Gheesh. I'm gorgeous, educated, compassionate, have an interesting and fulfilling life. I. am. enough.
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Yes, cats must be included in the lonely old woman scenario. I think it's okay to focus on yourself and turn inwards. When I met my ex (now granted, he broke my heart, but I loved him and we were together 2 1/2 yrs) I had given up on the dating scene. I met him when I least expected to fall in love. Maybe giving up is actually the trick to meeting someone. Why is it that people have to be so dishonest? Don't make out with me for ciol if you aren't interested. You shouldn't be on a dating site if you are married and/or looking for a hookup THAT NIGHT. Gheesh. I'm gorgeous, educated, compassionate, have an interesting and fulfilling life. I. am. enough. The married people looking for hook ups make me want to vomit. Lowest of the low types...
GivenUp0083 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Online dating was so stressful for me it gave me anxiety attacks (didn't know what they were at the time, thought I had the flu), and it drove me to therapy. I basically learned from therapy that if it's something really great like a great girlfriend, then it is worth the time and effort to find. However, I also started looking at dating in a different light. Like a previous poster said, I took it one date at a time, and if it didn't work out I could just say "hey, it was one night, it was fun, that's it". I also found it helpful when I switched OFF of match.com and over to okcupid. This helped because I felt the monetary investment made for match.com forced me to feel like I had a limited time to get my money's worth. okcupid was free, so if I dated a girl and it went sour, I had a bad taste in my mouth and I would take a break from dating for like a month or two. I also was able to be more selective in what girls I reached out to via email to only girls I think I'd really like. This way when I did go on a date, it was a much better chance of being successful. Also, talking on the phone quite a big before meeting someone helped a lot about getting to know them.
luvflower Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 yep! I think plenty of us feel the wear and tear of dating and starting over and the whole viscous cycle. Some people try to hurry marriage whole some get to know themselves. I think I'll try to start just focusing on myself as people always try to advise when ending a relationship,lol. It's true though...Focusing on oneself can be refreshing in and of itself. Easier said than done...
EasyHeart Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Why not take a break from dating, instead of giving up on it completely? If I had just broken up with someone I'd been dating for 2 1/2 years, I would take at LEAST six month off from dating to get my head together. At LEAST! A lot of the times when we're looking for a BF/GF, we're being driven by need and insecurity, rather than a real desire for companionship. That's why we often find a good partner when we've "given up"; when you don't feel a need for another person to fulfill you, it's because you feel happy and fulfilled without a partner. Nothing scares away emotionally healthy men faster than needy and insecure women (and it draws the creeps and losers to you like blood draws a shark). In a lot of ways, the best sign that you're ready for a relationship is that you don't want one. Take a break and don't think about dating for a few months and then see if you still want to start hoarding cats.
Disillusioned Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Just live well instead. Woodworking, writing books, and making money have brought me happiness, while dating has only brought me the opposite.
SmileFace Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I really wish there was a way to fall into relationships. That would be the ideal world.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Why not take a break from dating, instead of giving up on it completely? If I had just broken up with someone I'd been dating for 2 1/2 years, I would take at LEAST six month off from dating to get my head together. At LEAST! A lot of the times when we're looking for a BF/GF, we're being driven by need and insecurity, rather than a real desire for companionship. That's why we often find a good partner when we've "given up"; when you don't feel a need for another person to fulfill you, it's because you feel happy and fulfilled without a partner. Nothing scares away emotionally healthy men faster than needy and insecure women (and it draws the creeps and losers to you like blood draws a shark). In a lot of ways, the best sign that you're ready for a relationship is that you don't want one. Take a break and don't think about dating for a few months and then see if you still want to start hoarding cats. This is beautiful. Thank you for this.
Imajerk17 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I'm starting to think being a spinster and living with twenty cats would be easier and less stressful than this. Met a guy, liked him, he's really nice, polite, attractive - kisses like a fish. No chemistry. You met someone and wrote him off for something that can definitely get better with time. Maybe he's selective and doesn't kiss many women, so he doesn't have much practice. I'm wondering: Maybe you didn't give things a chance? Met a guy, liked him, he's young and hot, psychologist, generally emotionally "rapes" me on the third date with his psychobabble (got me to divulge more than I would of sooner than I would have - partly due to his "true confessions" stuff). Afterwards I have to change my therapist (very disrupting) because my therapist is his supervisor (he works at the place where I go to therapy, even though I met him online). Talked to him about this after and generally got the idea he is infantile, self-absorbed, and pretty much idiotic when it comes to dating. Too bad, he is so hot. Not sure what you mean here by "emotionally raped", or what made you think he is "infantile, self-absorbed, and idotic about dating". Isn't that the point of dating--to emotionally open up to the other person? If there's something you don't want to talk about, can't you change the subject? I'm wondering if again, you're writing guys off for stupid stuff, and then blaming them for it. I have a date tomorrow with a guy who works in the same field as I do, so we have tons in common, but after that I think I'm taking myself off of match. This just isn't worth the stress - and the constant emails from overweight rednecks who don't read your profile. Oh wow, I envy the guy you're seeing tomorrow. A date with a woman who is this jaded. This poor guy is probably naive enough to think that you're looking forward to tomorrow night just as he is, and you're actually open to something happening. As far as what you wrote about the guys you're not interested in writing you: This is online dating. They're on match and paid their monthly fee too, so they have a right to take their one shot at you. If I had a nickel for every creepy gal who showed interest in me... I just want to give up. Is there anyone out there? Do we really have to try this hard? How many terrible dates before you find a good one?ML, I don't sugarcoat things. From what you've written, I'm suspecting that you're writing off your share of good guys because they're not meeting some unrealistic/unimportant standards you have. So I'm not really seeing what your issue is, see my above comments. Sorry. Edited February 1, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Um, first off, your screen name is right on. I was venting out of frustration today. In retrospect, I know I sounded bitter. I do give men a chance. Chemistry is something that is either there or not. I've dated and been with enough men to know that. Sometimes the way someone smells just turns you on (or off, whatever the case may be). The psychologist guy was definitely emotionally too intense for me. And the fact that I had to change my therapist to protect his privacy and then he never even answered my email indeed sparked some animosity. I am looking forward to the date tomorrow night. I've dated people who worked in my field before and that seems to be something that helps me connect. And my standards are never "unimportant." I don't just date anyone and I shouldn't have to.
zengirl Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Dating got much easier for me once I was comfy being alone. Once I found myself truly and wonderfully fun, and complete as I was. After that. . . a lot of the trouble I had melted away. Not all of it (I mean, everyone has ups and downs and issues occasionally) of course, but the big roadblocks and frustrations did. That's all the advice I have to give. Though, really, I'm sure you're fine. Ranting and all. Everybody feels the need to rant. I've seen studies that it actually does more harm than good (in prolonging bad feelings), so I'm not really for it, but I get the desire. Hopefully you can start thinking happy thoughts again soon. Think of good things you get from even bad dates. I've gotten loads of good stories from bad dates, for instance.
Imajerk17 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) Thank you ML. I have a reputation to live up to and I don't like to let anyone down. Yes, you indeed have a right to not see someone if they don't meet your standards, but look at them for what they are. Chances are you passed up a lot of good guys whom you would have been quite happy with in the long-run, if you only could have looked past "first-date chemistry". That's your choice, but see it for what it is, your CHOICE. You at least are getting to do the choosing. Whether you're making the smart choices or not is unclear though. Most people aren't really themselves on first dates, and the ability to spark an intense connection with someone who is a complete stranger doesn't have much to do with whether they'd make a good boyfriend or girlfriend or not. Your favorite romance comedy notwithstanding. So you're no worse off than many other people, and so you have NO reason to whine as you did. Edited February 2, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 So you're no worse off than many other people, and so you have NO reason to whine as you did. True dat. Thank you for the input.
9Lives Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Just live well instead. Woodworking, writing books, and making money have brought me happiness, while dating has only brought me the opposite. Interesting post! I feel like when i was the most unhappy in my life, I was in a relationship. I need to think about that!
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