xSavvyx Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Hello, I am not sure if I am going to remain here or not; but I am desperately seeking some advice on a relationship issue that started with me. I am very much in love with my boyfriend, and can certainly see myself marrying him someday. He is the only one, and we wish to stay together and work things out despite this issue. That is a mutual decision. December: Well the issue at hand here is trust. It started when I met him over a year ago. I was still with someone else who was both physically and emotionally abusive. We split in November 2009 and that is when me and my boyfriend who were then talking began to get deeper and started developing deeper more romantic feelings for one another. Well in December I confided in him that my ex forced sex upon me, and that is part of why I was so anti-sex so to speak. I did not care to think of dirty things or think of sex much. He was very compassionate and understanding about it. Unfortunately he eventually stumbled onto this website I used with my ex, while looking for something else online. We had not spoken of breaking up on it. In mid November I posted things that would never have suggested we broke up. It was out of fear, I was still not quite broken-free so to speak. I feared mentioning the break up on that site, not because I wanted to pretend we were still together, but I knew my ex's family would start trouble over it. Especially his brother and brother's girlfriend. So I kept mum. Needless to say it got my boyfriend a bit suspicious. Had we really broken it off or was I too afraid to truly break it off? Well I knew I had to clear that up. So I told the website, and removed my ex from my facebook. Things were going well enough. The only problem I had then was being evasive about my sex life and sexual history. I only told him a select few things about the sheer unpleasantness of sex and things I found dirty. My boyfriend and I were starting to get deeper into those things, and it was bringing out a side of me I feared. I did not want to come across dirty or whorish. Unfortunately some things happened in my past I have not had an easy time opening up about to ANYONE. I just want to move past them and continue to improve and grow. May: In May my boyfriend however stumbled upon a forum I had joined back in 2006 when I got pregnant in my previous relationship (Again, he was just searching for other things I had given him permission to as a means of being secure that there was not anything more for me to hide...unfortunately...). I had originally joined to ask questions regarding morning sickness. I began to grow a rather sick fascination with the way a lot of these women were happily married and ready to have babies (I wasn't) with husbands they loved (I did not love mine), enjoyable fulfilled sex lives (mine certainly was not)... everything was just ideal. So I ended up making certain things up, such as being turned on by my husband, having great sex (I never had sex when I was pregnant with my daughter or my miscarried baby), even having it made financially (we lived with my momma). Well reading this was like a big blow to his system. After all I had told him about hating sex and not loving my ex he felt confused, and he confronted me right away. I told him the truth of the matter, and all I had confided in him before was indeed true. Of course I was pretty convincing on those forums. I ended up leaving them several months before I broke it off with my ex so to end the charade. This in turn brought forth the real trust issues because we were deeper into our own physical romance, and he often imagined me feeling those things before with my ex, and he got cynical about it. I was not always very good at reassuring him either due to my own shame about it and many things of before. Which did not help. He just wanted to be sure I was who I always said I was. August: In August after a series of "mini breakups" due to my own low self esteem and self worth issues.. I chose to go out one night after one of these supposed break ups.. when I could have just run back to the man I wanted and needed.. I went out and decided to prove to myself I was nothing but the lowly trash and whore I claimed to be. I went to our local trailer park needless to say, and solicited a stranger who had to have been my daddy's age or older for some alcohol (whiskey) and kind of had sex with him (kind of, as it was not penetrative or oral, but he bit me a lot.) I ended up stumbling home before dawn sick as anything. Me and my boyfriend reconciled as we always did and I became too fearful to tell him of that fateful night. I did not want to lose him at all.. but one night at work after a long argument with myself I eventually concluded if I love him as much as I say I should tell him. It would be better if I really lost him because I did not deserve him. It felt disgusting, it was awful.. I wanted him I wanted us and I had ruined it. Out of fear when I first told him I said I let the man rape me, but he knew better.. and this was not helping our trust issues as it was. so I had to admit the truth. Needless to say it certainly shattered almost all trust, even to the point I thought he would never forgive me for it. (It really emphasized the original mistrust of what i confided in him being honest, insecure I may have enjoyed what i did with the man and even still paranoid everything I had said on the forums was indeed true). Eventually he did come around though, and we agreed things would be very tough but it was up to me to help restore trust if I could by not allowing these things to happen. Now obviously I have not slept around or anything like that, but we still suffer the aftermath of what I did in August and May and I am desperately trying to rebuild this trust, but I suffer shame issues from my own history I need to open up about. We just need advice, some better approaches, things that can help rebuild and keep our bond strong in this trying time.. and how to continually show him how sorry I am for all of this.. it is not just something to say it is something I feel in my very core., I will never love a man the way I love this man, I will never marry a man outside of this man, and I know I do NOT deserve him, but if he is willing to work this out, and he is.. I want to.. so again, advice.. rebuilding, keeping strong. It is all very appreciated. Sorry this is long, I needed to do it.
Macaw Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Are you the first serious relationship your boyfriend had in his life? He sounds woefully alike me, many, many years ago. Anyway, first, you have to forgive yourself. That is the single most powerful thing you can do for both of you right now. Do not sulk in your mistakes - if you have already learned better, forgive yourself and move on - and that means about all the past lies, about the encounter you had while you were broken up (which, by the way, you were in your own right - don't feel bad about it). I see someone who's genuinely trying to improve, but being hampered by "this is still not good enough" thoughts when she starts comparing her current deeds to her old ones. We all screw up, but we can't move on if we dwell on it. Trust rebuilds little by little over time, you're already rebuilding trust just by being there for him. Flap your wings once in a while and go out with your friends, but tell him upfront about it and then call him or take pictures with your friends and show it to him later to show that you are a trustworthy person. It'll take months, maybe years, but I know for a fact it can be rebuilt as long as there is love.
Recommended Posts