FabulousLadee Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 What do I do?! Me and my "SO" have been at it for 2 years. I met him online when he was in his 2nd term of law school. Now he will be graduating in April. Its been a rough road. We've had visits..Ive met his family, he has met mine..all that good stuff. Anyway..We've been through ups and downs but we still are making it..SO I THOUGHT!!! We went through a break up where we didnt speak for almost 3 months and just started back talking this past December. But things have been going ok since we've been at it again and I will be going to visit him in April when he moves back home after he graduates. When we stopped talking in December..I went back to the dating site we met on and signed up again. Today I went on the site to DELETE my account and low and behold..HE HAS AN ACCOUNT..A NEW ACCOUNT..AND WAS ONLINE!! He is listed as wanting a serious relationship. I have been checking all day today to see if he is online...everytime I check he is ONLINE!!!! Im pissed!! WHAT IN THE HELL DO I DO?! DO I SAY SOMETHING? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 but what if he turns it on you and say why were you on the site too?
Author FabulousLadee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Right!!! My thoughts exactly!!! But the difference is..my account isnt new. Ive had it since we broke up..I didnt just sign up. His account is BRAND SPANKING NEW!! The only reason I went on there today was to DELETE it!! And to be honest..I browsed a bit just to see if anything had changed..not looking for anything...and BAM!!!! THERE HE IS!!! AND ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 man, i am so bad at this...i am not sure if i am the right person to tell you what to do cuz this happened to me also with an ex bf. what i did though was asked him nonchalantly that a friend of mine signed up on a dating website and she saw him there. he laughed and said that the guy could probably just looked like him. i made sure i took a screenshot of the profile and sent it to him. how about you observe first if there's a change in his behavior then confront him once you're sure that he's looking for another relationship online.
jenifer1972 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 He WILL turn it on you and say you are doing the same thing. Maybe send him a wink with, "do you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain..? kidding, sort of..
creighton0123 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Uhh... you were on the site as well... Either way, honey... "BAM!!!! THERE HE IS!!! AND ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You need to breathe a little bit. If the excess use of the exclamation point indicates anger, you might want to check that before you talk to him. For now, forget the online profile. If you two do end up working things out, it's just a small glitch in a breakup. Is it really any different than if he had gone out to a bar/club and was flirting with some ladies? He is single right now until a point where you both decide either to get back together or part ways. If you don't mind sharing, what were the ups and downs you both had while in the relationship?
Author FabulousLadee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Uhh... you were on the site as well... Either way, honey... "BAM!!!! THERE HE IS!!! AND ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You need to breathe a little bit. If the excess use of the exclamation point indicates anger, you might want to check that before you talk to him. For now, forget the online profile. If you two do end up working things out, it's just a small glitch in a breakup. Is it really any different than if he had gone out to a bar/club and was flirting with some ladies? He is single right now until a point where you both decide either to get back together or part ways. If you don't mind sharing, what were the ups and downs you both had while in the relationship? The ups and downs were based on communication issues like..a few days would go by without talking..a missed call..waiting on a call and never received it..just stuff like that. We have never had an instance when an issue involved another person. We are both adults..this is not a "kiddie" relationship. He is 29 Im 32 so we understand that things are not going to be perfect and being in a long distance relationship for 2 years..Im sure there are somethings that I dont know..I dont want to know. We have been very realistic. We kind of keep things that we feel are irrelevant out of the picture because it was just complicate things. We've never had trust issues because we never talk about stuff like that. Im a professional singer so I travel a lot and I get hit on all the time..Im in clubs..concert venues..Im out all the time but we dont go into stuff like that when we talk because it just makes it harder. And with him..I KNOW he has a crew of his law school friends that he kicks it with and they go out..go out of town..but when it comes to talking about that stuff..we just ask if we had a good time and relevant things. Im sure he flirts. I flirt too but it's never discussed because I know where my heart is and I THOUGHT he knew where his was. I dont know. Should I just not say anything? I did ask him earlier today after I discovered the profile if there was anything he was doing..was he talking to others..was he doing anything online. He never said no. He just always says his time is spent on school and work. He doesnt have time for all of that. ?im confused now? And I guess I wouldnt be so upset if he was listed as wanted a friendship or casual dating but SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP!! UGH! Edited February 1, 2011 by FabulousLadee
creighton0123 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 "We've never had trust issues" Then why start now? Perhaps you should raise it only if it becomes an issue. Also consider that he did create this new profile to just look around. Knowing some of these sites myself, if you simply leave the window open you appear "online". Either way, if the two of you meet up in April and do decide to work things out, would this matter then? Perhaps you should focus more on the communication barriers between the two of you. Just a friendly suggestion :-) / hug
sugarmomma Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out. I would say put your profile back up (indicate looking for a serious relationship) and keep your options open.
Author FabulousLadee Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Thanks you guys. I even made sure the April trip was still happening and he was like yeah definitely. Its just really going to be interesting how this plays out when he graduates from law school because Ive had to deal with hours and hours of studying..exams..him stressing. He will be doing his externship in his home city this summer so technically he doesnt actually walk until September but he is done with classes in April and he is going back home in April for good. He even said today that the summer will tell everything because all he is going to be doing is working..no studying..no exams..no nothing. He'll be back in the game of life again and have way more time. So we'll see...*teeth chattering*
jenifer1972 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 The parameters of this relationship are a bit hazy due to it being a Long distance relationship. Would he say you two are exclusive? Men's answers are sometimes surprising.
aerogurl87 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Ya know, FabulousLadee, no one has said this yet but maybe he went on that site to see if you had a profile up and when he saw you did, maybe he decided to create one as well. Maybe he thought "well if she can rejoin so can I". I mean it is possible.
Author FabulousLadee Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 So last night I confronted my SO about the profile on the dating site. I told him that a friend of mine stumbled upon his profile and I just wanted to know what that meant. He admited to having it. He didnt admit to his status being "looking for a serious relationship". I have to admit that we have been on again..off again so he was like he did it because of insecurity. He said that his feelings havent changed for me at all but he just never knows when the next time we'll stop talking again...so it was sort of a defense. He also said that he really used it more for entertainment, flirting, and recreation. So I asked him what did he want to do. He told me that everything was up to me and that he just wanted me to relax.. to do what I want to do. If someone came along and I wanted to date them..that he doesnt want me to feel bad about it or feel guilty. Either way..he just wants me to be happy. He still wants to go forward with the visit in April after he gets back home. So with all that being said..Im just going to chill out and do what I want to do. I love him very much but I really wont know until after the visit and after he is totally done with school how this is going to go. I have less than 3 months...thats all I can say.
2sunny Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 So last night I confronted my SO about the profile on the dating site. I told him that a friend of mine stumbled upon his profile and I just wanted to know what that meant. He admited to having it. He didnt admit to his status being "looking for a serious relationship". I have to admit that we have been on again..off again so he was like he did it because of insecurity. He said that his feelings havent changed for me at all but he just never knows when the next time we'll stop talking again...so it was sort of a defense. He also said that he really used it more for entertainment, flirting, and recreation. So I asked him what did he want to do. He told me that everything was up to me and that he just wanted me to relax.. to do what I want to do. If someone came along and I wanted to date them..that he doesnt want me to feel bad about it or feel guilty. Either way..he just wants me to be happy. He still wants to go forward with the visit in April after he gets back home. So with all that being said..Im just going to chill out and do what I want to do. I love him very much but I really wont know until after the visit and after he is totally done with school how this is going to go. I have less than 3 months...thats all I can say. he's looking around. you are no longer his priority. i'd put my profile back up now. let him see it. if it were me - i'd dump him for the sheer fact that you are now his option... and he's wimpy to boot - he couldn't even be honest enough to tell you. he dumped it right back on you like it's your responsibility that he went behind your back. why the hell weren't you angry? and why did you agree to so much nothingness from him? he's really offering you nothing.
befreckled Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 ....So I asked him what did he want to do. He told me that everything was up to me and that he just wanted me to relax.. to do what I want to do. If someone came along and I wanted to date them..that he doesnt want me to feel bad about it or feel guilty. Either way..he just wants me to be happy. He still wants to go forward with the visit in April after he gets back home..... I see this as low-interest. Any guy that truly wants to be with you, wouldn't be able to stand the thought of another guy being with you. He is looking so it is a way to appease his guilt perhaps. Either way, meh. I wouldn't even bother seeing him in April. Concentrate the time and effort on meeting someone new, someone worth your while. Someone who wants to be with you.
Author FabulousLadee Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 I was trying to look at it differently but after I read your replies..you all are sooo right. He wants out.
2sunny Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 I was trying to look at it differently but after I read your replies..you all are sooo right. He wants out. if he were concentrating soley on you- he wouldn't have encouraged you to: to do what I want to do. If someone came along and I wanted to date them..that he doesnt want me to feel bad about it or feel guilty. these are words from a man that has detached - his mindset is no longer interested in you only. take note = move forward...
hoping2heal Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 So last night I confronted my SO about the profile on the dating site. I told him that a friend of mine stumbled upon his profile and I just wanted to know what that meant. He admited to having it. He didnt admit to his status being "looking for a serious relationship". I have to admit that we have been on again..off again so he was like he did it because of insecurity. He said that his feelings havent changed for me at all but he just never knows when the next time we'll stop talking again...so it was sort of a defense. He also said that he really used it more for entertainment, flirting, and recreation. So I asked him what did he want to do. He told me that everything was up to me and that he just wanted me to relax.. to do what I want to do. If someone came along and I wanted to date them..that he doesnt want me to feel bad about it or feel guilty. Either way..he just wants me to be happy. He still wants to go forward with the visit in April after he gets back home. So with all that being said..Im just going to chill out and do what I want to do. I love him very much but I really wont know until after the visit and after he is totally done with school how this is going to go. I have less than 3 months...thats all I can say. I get the feeling you are being used here. You are what is familiar right now and nothing better has come along yet. I am sorry FL but no man who was serious about a relationship with a woman would tell her it is all cool and copasetic for you to do whatever you want and date around if you would like. It just does not happen that way. He is giving himself an exit strategy. Not to mention, if he really WAS feeling insecure because of how things ended in the past, the last bloody thing he would be doing is making it clear it is all kittens and rainbows for you to be dating other people. No one would set themselves up to be hurt like that. I think he is full of BS sure he may like you and like that he can get sex without the effort of a relationship but I do not at all get any indication from his behavior that he is looking to be serious with you.
EnigmaRole Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I'm not on here often, but I have to agree with the others, you're his back up plan. A man who is serious about a relationship- distance or no distance would fight to keep you in his life. Him leaving the decisions up to you isn't him caring about you, its not caring enough to have anything to give to make it work. Just my opinion. Sorry x
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