how can something so wonderful turn so bad so quickly

[pasogb]

Hi everybody. Newbie to this forum. Read a lot of posts. Very interesting.

 

Here's my story...Sorry for it being so long, but a lot to tell.

 

I'm 35, was dating a girl who was 20. WAS being the key word. Met her last September in a class we had together. At first, I couldn't believe how well we got along together. She's a really beautiful girl, to me a dream girl. Spent almost some of every day together for the next 3 months. I treated her like a princess...Even taking her to New Orleans on a day trip to see her favorite football team play. Her dad told me this really impressed her. Things were going really great until she went home for Christmas break(she had asked me to go, but I told her I couldn't, since I had already made plans to spend Christmas with my folks). She was flirting with me like crazy, very attracted to me.

 

Then, very bad things started to happen when she returned. I sort of suspected something was up because I talked to her almost daily while she was gone for a month during the break. Right after Christmas, her tone changed in our conversations. From being open, carefree to guarded. Anyway, she came back, and wanted to wait a few days before seeing me. That was OK. Didn't mind that, I'd already waited a month, so what was a few more days. Finally went out, midweek, went OK. The next day, she tells me the she needs the old TIME & SPACE routine(this was the day before school started). The very same day, as she was telling me this, she wanted to know if I would visit her grandparents in Wisconsin with her on Spring break! I was like I don't think so.

 

Well, I had never had this sort of thing happen to me. Didn't quite know what to do. So I backed off a bit. Talked to her over the weekend, telling her my feelings for her. (I had fell in love with her, but couldn't tell her yet...She would have flipped out), so I told her I cared for her very deeply. I think this really surprised her, because she basically just sat there, almost shellshocked, not responding. I did 90% of the talking that night.

 

Well, the next two weeks were HELL for me. I had multiple problems to contend with, besides her. Had a 10 year old family pet boston terrier that was dying...Very painful to deal with. Plus, I was finally getting over being sick with a very severe sinus infection that had plagued me for seven weeks, trying to get back into the old work routine(missed most of December from work), plus classes starting up. She only made matters much worse. I talked to her off & on over the next two weeks(about every 2-3 days). Mostly phone, e-mail, IM chats. All went very bad. She didn't seem to care at all about my problems, only her "issues", whatever those were. She basically viewed my contacting her as me trying to win her back(of course, that's what I was trying to do), which was my undoing. She wanted no contact(Even told me at one point I didn't respect her because I tried to contact her!). Unless she initiated it. She often told me she was confused. She seemed angry, but not at me...What about, I don't know. I don't know if I pushed her further away or not. But I think I did.

 

She did contact me one time, on a Saturday about a week and a 1/2 after giving me the time & space routine. Wanted to go to lunch the next Friday. I thought to myself, great. Well, I made the mistake of going to her brother's place the next night. She was there. Let's say that blew the lunch date big time. She was very rude to me, as I had asked her to show me the picture she was drawing. At first, she told me she wasn't finished. Then when I asked later, she put it on the floor so I couldn't see it. So I asked her why she was so rude to me. Of course, you can probably guess what happened next.

 

Well, about two weeks into this, I finally decided to give her what she wanted...time & space. Didn't talk to her for like two & 1/2 weeks. Finally broke the silence one night when I saw her at school. She said I should have let her come to me, and the conversation went very badly once again. This was the Friday before Valentine's day.

 

Well, the next week, Tuesday, her brother e-mails me to tell me I was no longer invited to his place for a computer gaming party they were having on Saturday. Said she was going to be there. So I e-mailed him back, asking what was up with his sister. Not sure what went up his ***, but he calls daddy. Never replied to my e-mail, nothing, just called daddy. The next day, I was out of town on a business trip. Got a phone call, but unable to answer it. Listened to the message later. From daddy. Telling me to leave her alone, it was over. I'd only talked to her less than a dozen times between Christmas and this phone call, and just 3 times in person(since the breakup, a month)! Now, this was a shocker to me. If he'd have called right after I'd talked to her, I could understand, but half a week later??? A very puzzling family to say the least.

 

Anyway, I found out through the grapevine, that indeed, the call wasn't so much as me talking to her, as it was bothering her brother! And that she was now told not to talk to me! Well, that was a month and a half ago. Thing is, I see this girl at least twice a week...Have a class with her. Often see her around school as well. NO, it's definitely not another guy. She's become very depressed since all this happened. Become a loner. She eats in the cafeteria by herself, walks around by herself, etc. She's never hanging out with anybody even, only occassionally a girlfriend or two of hers. I just don't understand what happened. We were both the happiest we've ever been before Christmas, and now, both of us are miserable. She's always frowning when I see her, though she will try to put on a front to make it look like she's happy if she notices I'm around.

 

I was never anything but nice to her. Never did anything at all to harm her, but now, I think her dad & brother have convinced her I'm evil or something(she seems scared of me now). She won't even look at me anymore. And the weird part...I met her parents Thanksgiving. Had dinner with them. So they knew about the age difference. And seemed cool about it then, everything was very nice, cordial between us. And her mom still likes me. I talked to her on the phone one day after all this stuff started, and she told me it wasn't over till she was standing at the altar. But somehow, the dad & brother seem to have conspired against me, and she's a daddy's girl. In my opinion, that's at the crux of what happened here...daddy/brother talked to her during Christmas, telling her to break it off. In doing so, I don't think she wanted to end things permanently, but things didn't turn out very well, for a number of reasons. And so now, that appears to be the case, a permanent end to what was once a very promising, budding relationship.

 

I was sort of hoping that when she turns 21 the middle of next month that she might come around, but now, I doubt it. I mean, no communications is pretty much the death knell of any relationship. I still have feelings for her, but they are diminishing. Still think about her a lot, what happened, what might have been. And a tiny bit of hope that the birthday will turn things around. If not, I have resigned myself to either say it's over, or wait till the fall semester when she returns and maybe try then...Unless I find somebody else in the meantime. I'm definitely out looking!

 

Well, that's my story so far. I still have hope, albeit very faint now that things might indeed work out in the end, but I'm not betting the farm on it if you know what I mean. I was very hurt by what happened. Tore my heart up for two months now. Caused me a lot of pain, anguish, sleepless nights. Even became depressed a bit. There were days where all I could do was think about her, want to talk to her, knowing that would be the worst thing to do. And in the end, each time I gave in and did, matters only became worse.

 

But I can definitely see the positive things in my life...As well as in some of the other posts here. I've gone out with a few other girls during this time, nothing happened though. No sparks. That's what was so special about her...It was as if us being together was magical, every moment we were together, and I think she felt it just as much as I did, and that might have scared her. I'm not just sitting around whining, feeling self-pity by any means. But it has definitely affected me though. Work has become a chore to put myself into. Things I used to enjoy, now I don't. But I've replaced them with other new activities. I just wish I could rid myself of thinking about her until and if she decides to come back around. Problem is, I see her several times a week. That always brings up the memories.

 

If anybody has any good advice to give me, that would be great. About the only advice I've received so far has been bad, caused many problems(not from the message board, but from people I know...I trust them, but their advice was just not right for this situation, you have to admit, it is rather odd).

[overseas2004]

You posted really really long letter so it took a while to read. I dont think I can make you happy and tell you something good about your relationship because it does not sound like she is interested. Her sadness may not be related to losing you. It may be more related to having to see you. And you have to admit that you harrassed her so she may feel uncomfortable.

 

If I was a parent I definately would not want my daughter of 20 (if I had one) dating a 35 year old guy. So I can't blame her father and her brother. But then again she is an adult so I won't give you too much grief over this one.

 

I am sorry for your pain. It is good that you have managed to get out with other girls and that you have kept busy and the pain is lessining. It is very hurtful when someone you love and you had a good time with wont even talk to you. I have been through it myself but for other reasons than yours. In any event it seems like you are on the right track to recovery.

 

But I definately don't think you should make any moves to get her back at this point else your behavior might cross the line of stalking the poor girl....

[pasogb]

Need some advice again. I really want to send her a letter before the semester ends in a few weeks. A very short one to basically ask her if we can just become friends again. I fear if I don't, I will lose her forever.

 

She'll be back in the fall...She lives 1000 miles away. Even be in at least one class I have. I haven't talked to her in over two months now(I did text message her happy birthday, that's it). She's seemed not so ill at ease as of late, more glances my way in class, an occassional smile even now and then. But I don't think she will come right out and talk to me first. She's much too stubborn to do that.

 

Anybody got an opinion on whether or not I should send her a letter or not? The semester ends in two weeks, so I must do it soon, if I am to do it all. I'm not certain whether or not I will yet or not. She will be gone by the 15th of next month until the Fall.

 

Thanks for the advice again.

[Heartfelt]

I wouldn't send her one. But if you do, send her a letter just saying goodbye and that you never meant any harm. I wouldn't pour a bunch of feelings out for her because I'm pretty sure she doesn't like you the same way that you like her. She probably hates confrontation and that's why you never could get an explanation of what really happened. Really, I feel she owes you one since you two did spend some time together and you did meet her parents which is a pretty big thing, but it got awkward and weird at the break off. So I would just move on if I was you. She said you have to let her come to you. She might eventually, but probably not.

[Almuric]

No letter.

No notes.

No email.

No more contact WHATSOEVER.

Change class times.

Rearrange your schedule and take up someting new like yoga or Tai Chi or cooking.(great way to meet someone YOUR OWN AGE for cryin' out loud) so you are living a different life pattern. One without her in it. Ever.

She let you down hard. That sucks. She was alot of fun at the time but that time is past. She was not the one for you.

Get through it in your mind and move on.

If she comes back to you now, after all this, she's a dangerous psycho to be avoided at all costs, if you ask me. (Which you did.)

Keep dating.

Have some fun.

 

And, as Mr. Spock would say, "Forget".

 

Strength to you.