TheGrimSweeper Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Some background info: My ex left me just shy of our 2 year anniversary, because she said she wanted to be happy with herself and couldnt be that unless she felt she had lived her life (we started dating when she was 18) and that she currently isnt ready for a relationship.It was a classic case of Green grass, but I also aided it on a bit as during the past couple months I was going through a bit of a rough time and wasn't always the same confident person I used to be. Some days I put her on a higher value then myself and she for sure noticed. She also has commitment fears and fears of abandoment which only had recently started to surface. Her parents almsot got divorced when she was 5, and have now seperated (been ongoing for the past 6 months or so) which has hit her pretty hard. She told me she thinks all relationships are doomed to fail and shes constantly afraid of it ending. During the break up, she asked to stay as friends for now which I said no too, she cried quite a lot, told me will figure things out then I left. I wont be her friend, I know if I go down that path thats all will ever be. Went NC for about a month then left her a card for Christmas. She got the card and told me she was really happy to see it as she thought for sure that I wanted nothing to do with her and she was just going to "leave it at that". She wrote me a long letter saying she loved me but, how she had lost the passion the relationship and it had scared and worried her. Then said it wasnt a bad thing as passion will inevitably die with time (passing honeymoon stage, which is true). And I know the reason why this happened was cause during the past few months I put more value on her then myself. As well I think she is one of those who cant see past the honeymoon stage with all her issues. I explained that I didn't hate her at all, but she needed to figure this out on her own without me. During the letter she repeatedly said "i hope one day we can be friends" along with there is no other guys, she just wants to be her by herself for awhile. She tried to talk to me just after new years but I pretty much just brushed it off, left a quick reply then left. So basically what would you do in this sitation? Just leave it stay NC and wait for her to do anything? I feel like I need to make amends for myself, cause of how I was the past couple months and cause I dont want her to think I'm running away from her but I dont know how. I dont want her to just be waiting for me to say we can be friends.. as its never going to happen. Edited January 31, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper
ShatteredReality Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 It's hard to say what anybody would do in any situation...it's easy to speculate and say "If I were you I'd totally....." But in the reality of any situation we all react differently...sometimes differently than we think we ever would. Basically - sounds like you really need to get in touch with yourself. Figure out who you are and who you WANT to be. Figure out what you want and what you are willing to live with and deal with. Relationships are hard as hell and there's a very high failure rate out there working against the ones that are doing well, so it takes real dedication on both sides to make it work. Give her the time she needs to become herself...generally speaking women become who they are going to be from the ages 20-23. A lot happens in that time - lot's of learning and self constructing. Things that influence this are the choices she makes - who she surrounds herself with and chooses to spend her life with. If she remains single during this time she will find herself differently than if she doesn't. Women who marry young tend to lose that time and when it circles back around they either have a world of trouble in their relationship or they let it pass again. These are generalizations...it circles back in the late 20s btw if she skips the first run. Seems to have about an every 4-5 yr cycle. Anyhow - if you aren't willing to be her friend then you need to keep NC in place. Otherwise you will have to be her friend to get her back. Either you establish NC and she knows you are only there for her if she wants a relationship, or you become her friend and hope she falls for you again. You're not ready to be her friend, even if you do choose the second route...so like I said, work on you, let her work on her, leave well enough alone. Maybe shoot her a line every few months letting her know you're still around, but otherwise, if you don't want to be her friend, keep your distance.
TheThinker Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Some days I put her on a higher value then myself and she for sure noticed I dont meant to sound blunt but maybe you have done it again in this instance as you have spent the whole thread talking about her but you havent said what you actually want from this ?? Do you want her back, do you want to move on and live your life ?
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