WindyWaves Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. We still live together and will have to for at least the next month or so. The day after we broke up she approached someone else. They are in the beginning stages of dating and my ex has told me that she is in love with this person. I am so devastated by this. It's one thing to be over the relationship but to already be IN LOVE with someone else so quickly after ending an 8 years relationship? She's spent the night at the persons house twice even though we still share a bed. Although she says they haven't slept together, it hurts intensely. I am a wreck. When I think about things, I feel like my heart is going to explode. I get shakey and end up with headaches. When I try to imagine myself with someone else, I literally feel like throwing up. I can't sleep. I cry very late into the night and then wake up every hour after that. This is all new to me as she was my first everything and now she is my first heartbreak too. My questions is would having a fling/rebound/one night stand help a little bit? I seriously feel like I am going to need medication if these intense feelings don't go away soon. I feel like I am bordering on anxiety/panic attacks. Is this all normal for a breakup? I'm normally very anti-one night stands and meaningless sex (although I've never slept with anyone else), but if getting drunk one night and sleeping with someone will help me get over these feelings, then I will definitely consider it.
marqueemoon4 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 man, thats tough. I would say no, a one night stand is not a good idea in this situation. You're in a complete state of shock.. you need to take care of yourself right now. Get some IC, put yourself first and do your best to not let what she is doing affect you. I know, its excruciatingly hard.
carhill Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 My questions is would having a fling/rebound/one night stand help a little bit? It can help for some people. I seriously feel like I am going to need medication if these intense feelings don't go away soon. I feel like I am bordering on anxiety/panic attacks. Is this all normal for a breakup? IME, pretty normal. See your doctor for a physical and to discuss your emotional state. Perhaps s/he can refer you for counseling and/or prescribe a medication to help with the anxiety.I'm normally very anti-one night stands and meaningless sex (although I've never slept with anyone else) I wouldn't change a fundamental aspect of emotional/relationship style as a result of a breakup. Lastly, don't believe everything you hear about or from your ex. Things aren't always as they seem. The no contact guide in my signature line can help with healing. My sympathies ....
J0N Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 There is no way she is in love after three weeks. She is lying to put you down, unless it had been going on longer. Get out of there, don't hang around, don't talk to her. Also a ONS is not a good idea. You will just feel even worse after. Sorry man this sucks.
Jannah Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm sorry you are hurting OP. A relationship of that length just ending, please give yourself some time to adjust... I would say at the least, a solid year, if you can. If you go out and sleep with someone this soon, it will most likely delay the healing process and you will probably wind up feeling like a goober because of it.
Heartbroken_Sazzy Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 You poor baby all i can offer you is lots of support & a massive cuddle. Your x is evil to do that to you. A one night stand would make you feel worse so don't go into something on impulse you don't want more drama in your life. I really wish you had someone else to go to, so you could have some perspective on what you want to do without the toxic influence in your life.
Author WindyWaves Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Carhill - Thanks! I have bookmarked your guide and I know I will go back to it frequently. My ex was developing feelings for this person prior to our breakup. I kind of sensed it and figured that she would "handle it" but obviously we have two very different ideas of that. A few years ago I started to flirt with a coworker. I NEVER met outside work or had drinks, etc. It was only flirting and I felt SO guilty about it. I stopped it, told her about it, and we went to therapy. For her, she says it started out as an infatuation and now she is in love and wants to pursue things slowly. How is KISSING the other person 4 days after we break up taking things slowly? How is spending the night twice in two weeks taking things slowly? What really pisses me off is that she was just waiting for the perfect time to jump ship, soon after the other person was single. Now I'm left here to sort through all the s**t while she's off having a great time. I guess I will lay off of the idea of a one night stand for now. I know now that we need to figure out a different living arrangement. I don't know if I can last an entire month. On one hand, I don't want to know what they're doing because I break down. On the other hand I live with her so I can't help but wonder what's shes been up to all night. What's worse is that school is starting up and I'm afraid that all of this will really ruin my semester. This sucks.
dng Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 My ex was developing feelings for this person prior to our breakup. I kind of sensed it and figured that she would "handle it" but obviously we have two very different ideas of that. You are probably not going to take this advice because you still care too much but try to see things as if she was a stranger - which she is now, in a sense. Kick her out. Yes, you'll push her in his arms faster perhaps - but its bound to happen. If her thing doesn't work out, she'll come back to you and make everything your fault and you'll take her back - and in five years when she does this again, you'll regret wasting another five years with her. In six months time, when you think back on this, you'll regret not pushing her out.
carhill Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 How is the lease titled? If it's in your name, boot her stuff and her out. Alternatively, no harm in entertaining young ladies at your domicile. You don't have to have sex with them.
depplover_1980 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!!
dng Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!! Its also the best way to get someone you left and want back over you. It cuts on both ends...
Author WindyWaves Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Well, we talked about things. I think she realizes now how much it hurts me when she spends the night in someone else's bed then crawls into bed with me. Even though we are not having sex and she claims to not be, it still hurts. She's going get her own car and live with her mom. So she should be out in another week or two. We'll still have to see eachother every now and then to work out the bills, etc. You get very financially tied after 8 years of living together.... At least I will have some time of NC. I already feel a sense of relief (for now). I think this will make it easier for me to move on, possibly start dating, etc. I don't even know who I am without her so it will be hard. I may come back here for support from you guys. I really appreciate all the advice and kind words. LS is the reason I recognized that she really didn't want to be with me anymore and gave me the courage to break it off with her even though it wasn't what I wanted. I don't know what state I would be in without LS.
depplover_1980 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Its also the best way to get someone you left and want back over you. It cuts on both ends... Depends how much discretion you have in your life!! No one needs to know but you and the person you're under!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Well, we talked about things. I think she realizes now how much it hurts me when she spends the night in someone else's bed then crawls into bed with me. Even though we are not having sex and she claims to not be, it still hurts. She's going get her own car and live with her mom. So she should be out in another week or two. We'll still have to see eachother every now and then to work out the bills, etc. You get very financially tied after 8 years of living together.... You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed. Sleep on the couch until she moves out. As far as a one-night stand or fling goes, that is NOT a good idea. You would be basically doing that out of revenge, which would end up leaving her hurt and you even more hurt and confused. You don't get over an 8 year relationship in 3 weeks. It's going to take some time. I know it hurts, especially since it appears she is not feeling the same pain you are. Hang in there, I think you may start to feel a little better once she moves out. I would take a break from dating though (or having any kind of romantic encounter) until you have dealt with your grief. It will help not having her around as a constant reminder of your pain. Good luck and hang in there!
ccfan Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Man... i feel your pain.... First off... either you get the hell out of there or kick her out if the lease is under your name, seriously you are now in a toxic enviroment and that´s why you are getting panic attacks. If you need tips to overcome the panic attacks feel free to let me know as I suffered them for many years and overcame them totally. You might want to ask your doctor for a xanax presciption for the times you are feeling extremely anxious. As for your ex... she´s a mean person, there´s no way around it. The fact that she is playing with your mind telling you that she´s in "love" with the new guy and going out to his place just shows that she´s a bad person. period. In the future you´ll be SO glad that she´s out of your life. As for sleeping with someone else, it depends, in my case after my ex left me, i went crazy and sleep with four girls.. only to wake up missing her more the next day, so my advice is not to do it. Again, either get out of there of kick her out... right away
Author WindyWaves Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Unfortunately both of us are on the lease. I set up a blow up mattress in the living room, so at least we won't be sleeping in the same bed anymore. Right now, It's two in the morning, she is out with him. Obviously, our conversation meant nothing. I think I am starting to understand why I am so hurt. It's the fact that she's in love with someone else. I think I could handle the break up okay, but the fact that she is is in love with someone else is killing me. It makes me feel like I am worthless. It makes me feel like the past 8 years meant nothing. At first she was adamant about staying friends. Today, we got into a fight before she left and said "Go ahead and hate me. Do whatever you have to do to get over me and leave me alone. " and things like "get a life" or "too bad, that's life, Get over it". I can't believe these words are coming from the person that I was so devoted to for so many years. I said some nasty things myself but I know they didn't hurt her like she her words hurt me. I just feel so worthless right now. I don't know if I could ever be friends with her. She doesn't seem to care at all anymore. I also realize now that a one night stand would be really bad for me right now. I already feel worthless and empty. I want her to love me like she said she did. I want her to love me like she loves this new person. I don't want meaningless sex. I want to feel worthy of being loved, and right now, I don't. She has made it clear to me that she wants me out of the picture so she can start a new romance with her new love. FML. I feel so low right now. Edited February 1, 2011 by WindyWaves
D78 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 WindyWaves, I was in your shoes in November. I understand how much pain you are probably in, and I'm sorry. You're going to feel bad, regardless of whether she is with someone else or not. It sucks that she said those things to you after your fight. I think dumpers don't know how to handle the fact that they are hurting someone they care about, so they just blurt out all sorts of crazy things. Take her words with a grain of salt. Good luck and - seriously - make her move!!!
ccfan Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Unfortunately both of us are on the lease. I set up a blow up mattress in the living room, so at least we won't be sleeping in the same bed anymore. Right now, It's two in the morning, she is out with him. Obviously, our conversation meant nothing. I think I am starting to understand why I am so hurt. It's the fact that she's in love with someone else. I think I could handle the break up okay, but the fact that she is is in love with someone else is killing me. It makes me feel like I am worthless. It makes me feel like the past 8 years meant nothing. At first she was adamant about staying friends. Today, we got into a fight before she left and said "Go ahead and hate me. Do whatever you have to do to get over me and leave me alone. " and things like "get a life" or "too bad, that's life, Get over it". I can't believe these words are coming from the person that I was so devoted to for so many years. I said some nasty things myself but I know they didn't hurt her like she her words hurt me. I just feel so worthless right now. I don't know if I could ever be friends with her. She doesn't seem to care at all anymore. I also realize now that a one night stand would be really bad for me right now. I already feel worthless and empty. I want her to love me like she said she did. I want her to love me like she loves this new person. I don't want meaningless sex. I want to feel worthy of being loved, and right now, I don't. She has made it clear to me that she wants me out of the picture so she can start a new romance with her new love. FML. I feel so low right now. That´s rough man... it´s not good for your mental health you being up at 2am thinking all the stuff that your ex is probably doing with the new person, even if they are just watching a movie in a couch hurts.. i´ve been there, and I´m half way in the proccess of recovery. I too couldn´t believe how cold was my ex when she dumped me, the girl that talked to me in the sweetest way about starting a famlily, the names of our kids, and so on.... was brutal with me in the breakup and for no reason as i treated her like a total princcess... sounds like this is your case hermano. It´s normal that you self steem it´s on the floor right now, shes doing all she possibly can to do so, i can´t believe she is SO mean... but believe me you´ll stand up again stronger than ever, maybe not today or next week ... but it will happen, and keep in mind that life has a way of balancing things.. you never know if in a year she will be either broken up or cheated by this guy or knocked up and had to start a family in the worst of ways. Man, if you have a little extra cash i strongly suggest you go to a motel or a friends house right away until the end of the lease, you need to get out of the psyco.terror this girl is applying to you .. you don´t deserve to be suffering like you are, and you ex has shown horrible colours with the horrible things she said to you... right now you don´t see it but you just have eliminated a cancer from your emotional life. As for now, you should use your free time to clean your life from her: grab a plastic bag and put all the pictures of her, little presents, that t-shirt of yours that she used to sleep with, etc ..etc... and trow it to the garbage. Also do a "virtual" cleaning of hers: block her in FB, erase all her pics in your laptop, eliminate her from your cell phone... this will keep your mind occupied and will make you be ready to heal by the time she´s moving out. And please.... please..... DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL NEVER, EVER. Edited February 1, 2011 by ccfan
FRDSSTR Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 This is going to be REALLY hard to see right now, but at some point the fact that she treated you like this is going to make it somewhat easier to get over her. You'll be able to see that you deserve better, which will ultimately make it possible to move on. Don't let her make you feel worthless. I'm glad to see you are forgetting the ONS idea, since that's not you, and ultimately you would have felt worse. If you don't believe in that sort of thing, you would have felt even lower for allowing her to drive you to do it. Glad to see you are out of the same bed. Now, as some others have said, if at all possible, either kick her out or find somewhere else to go. Staying with her right now is very unhealthy for you.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you are sleeping in the living room that was a good decision. HOWEVER, that doesn't even seem to really be helping, as you are STILL pining for her and you got in a fight. I realize your names are both on the lease and she did the dumping so she should "technically" leave. She did agree to move out in a few weeks, which is fair. But I think for your own sanity, you should find a temporary place to stay until she moves out completely, as other posters have suggested. Do you have a buddy's house you can crash at? Seriously, this is NOT a healthy situation at all. You need to get away from her and fast..just for your own sanity and mental health. What do you think of that?
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