newrule Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 First of all, hi! This is my first post. I'm in Malaysia and my boyfriend is in USA. Unlike most of you (from skimming through threads), I've never met him in person. We met on the internet through a P2P program when I downloaded a song from his folder and he said hi to me almost six years ago, when I was 17. Even though we've never met, we're both really committed to the relationship. We spend so much time with each other, and we try to talk to each others' friends and siblings to make it as 'real' as possible. I'm guessing some who read this would think "meh, internet relationship?". I'm used to people making fun or underestimating the relationship. My problem is exactly that. Among the people who don't "trust" this relationship are my parents. They're so against it, my mom sat down with me 3 years ago and told me she and my dad would never accept someone like him into the family. They're really conservative and frankly, racist. I'm a Malay and my boyfriend is American. Even our religions are different. But surprisingly, our views on morality are usually similar, much more than the people around me. Other than that, my parents are just concerned because we met on the internet and he lives so far away. That's quite self-explanatory. I come from a close-knitted family. It's very homogenous, all of the family members and extended relatives are Malay. My parents are loving and nurturing (for the most part). We're the sort of family who has strong values, and respecting parents is a make or break. I'm not someone who can 'go against' my parents' wish. That has resulted in me hiding my relationship from them since 3 years ago. Anyway sorry, I have the tendency of rambling. I just need some thoughts on how to approach this problem. I've tried breaking up with my boyfriend over the years, but it's so hard because he's almost everything I want in a person. He has said he will meet my parents after he graduates and gets a job, which can take about 2-4 years from now. Meeting my parents while he is still a student is equivalent to a relationship suicide. My patience is running thin, and I don't know what to do. Just writing this down has been therapeutic though. Have a nice day!
IfiKnewThen Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 hi . how are ya? I have always been of the opinion that it is harder to turn someone down while they are physically there in person, as opposed to on the phone, internet, etc. i still believe that. we learned that in sales training years ago. i think it may be time you ALL met (in person). this way you can see him (finally) and he see you. have you or your parents seen him on skype? i know it's been 6 years but have you physically seem him..live on like a skype system? i don't really think your parents would be upset because he is a student as much as he lives around the other side of the globe and seeing you would be very limited if you were to end up with him. i know you guys are young, but 6 years correspondence iS a long time and it's time you met....period. i understand family "respect". but part of that respect is truth and not to live in fear. i would let them know you have been in touch with him over the course of the 3 years and it that time still respected their wishes but not running off with him. but that it's time to meet him. you have to be strong inside. i dont know what you mean to him and him to you at this point, but i wouldnt wait for him to finish school and get a job. i would want to meet him NOW. this would be a visit and it could be chaperoned. this doesnt mean marriage and you can explain that to him. i think you owe it to each other before ever ending it completely to see each other in a safe environment. it should make your parents feel safe to meet him on your turf. again, you will need to explain to your parents this does in no way means marriage. it would have been better if you begin to date in life. but if you are committed to him and he to you...then it's time to meet. staying committed and not dating all this time while you were young and never meeting him, keeps you stagnated and in the dark and making all decisions from here based on fear. again i think it's time to meet.
aerogurl87 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 So you met 6 years ago when you were 17, which means by now you must be 23 right? What's stopping you or him from flying over to see one another at this point? Ok yeah I understand that you don't want to go against your parent's wishes, but you can make up something to come to the US can't you? Say you're going to look into going to university here or something. Also are you financially independent, is he? If the answer is yes then there's no reason one of you can't fly to go see the other after 6 years. Have him come to your country if you can't leave, but honestly you can't have a real relationship if it's just online. You need face to face contact, because anything less past a certain point is just a fantasy, especially given your age.
creighton0123 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'll echo the others. You've known one another for six years now. It's time to meet in person, even if only for a week. Also, what type of communication have you had with this young man? IM, email, video/voice?
folieadeux Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 You're an adult now...meet in person, then worry about the rest. This may be a complete non-issue that will resolve itself once you meet if things don't work out. There's no use worrying about what your friends/family think about someone you haven't met yet. If you meet and decide to give things a real chance, then go from there. Bottom line is you're an adult. Even though it's only natural to want approval from those closest to you in your life, you ultimately have to live life for you and no one else.
Author newrule Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Hey guys, Thank you so much for taking the time to share your views. You guys are such nice people lol. I'll begin by saying the reason we've never met is mostly financial constraints. I'm a master's student, and he's still doing his degree. He planned to come last year, but that didn't go too well and I won't divulge the details here. I'm saving to fly to the US but it'll take me 1-2 years before I'll have enough money. He's a struggling student himself and has saved up enough for us to meet, but I want him to keep his money first in case any emergencies happen and he has to use it. Anyway, I know this is probably hard to do, but can you guys treat this relationship like any other long-distance relatioships lol? It's not a fantasy. Like I said I'm used to people questioning it and undermining it, but it would be of help if you guys can look past that. I am not stupid, I know people can be different offline and online/real life interaction is different/he could deceive me and I'd never know. But we're frankly past that. We'll be just fine when we meet, and it's not just blind conviction. Anyway I do not plan to elope with him ever. I'm quite ready to act as if I'm single all my life and never get married if that's what it takes to make my parents relatively happy and still be with him. Yeah, respect includes not lying and not fearing, and that is exactly why I've tried to break up with him many times. But it never worked, because as mushy as this sounds, he's The One. To answer your questions, we video chat almost every day. I know almost all of his close friends and we communicate on facebook a lot, too. We chat on AIM and call each other a lot too. Have a nice day everyone! Reading your replies have made my day!
IfiKnewThen Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 hi again newrule, you sound so brilliant and articulate yourself so well. enjoyed reading your post. i for one take your LDR (long distant relationship) VERY seriously. i was in a LDR for 10 years. i did meet him and spent lots of time with him thru the years. prior to that i can attest to the fact that emotional relationships are very very deeply rooted and very real. in fact i think people in LDR's often put more into their relationships and spend more time together than couples who live near one another and often take each other for granted. i believe you are truly in love with him. do you know him 100% ? no. can you get to know himk even better in person...absolutely! i know you honor and respect your family...but i firmly believe that should not and you shouldn't let them control you or your psyche or emotions to this degree. call it western world thinking...call it what you may, but if you want to meet him IN PERSON and if you want a true happy life, your parents can and should adjust. dont let them or yourself guilt you into leading a life that's ran by them. i am terribly sad that youre in this position...but trust me it doesnt have to be this way. you need to communicate with them. love is a 2 way street. i know they love you but they need to accept you too for all that you are. you are not asking for anything unreasonable. and you shouldn't use good advise against your own self by your saying truth and not living in fear is what made you try to break up with him. you kinda turned that advise around : ) it was supposed to work FOR you not against you or HIM ; ) anyway...i meant you are living in fear of your parents and to be truthful with them and try to get them to share in your hopes and dreams which include him : )
creighton0123 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 "Anyway, I know this is probably hard to do, but can you guys treat this relationship like any other long-distance relationships lol? It's not a fantasy. Like I said I'm used to people questioning it and undermining it, but it would be of help if you guys can look past that." Please don't confuse us not taking you seriously with the push for the two of you to meet in person. Each and every relationship is what it is. A local relationship is a local relationship - the easiest to maintain. A long distance relationship is fundamentally different based on three conditions: 1. Both meet and one or both partners has to move away for a short while 2. Both meet and one partner has to move away indefinitely. 3. Both meet and both partners have to move away indefinitely. An online relationship is also fundamentally different from both a LDR and a relationship. Yes, what you have right now is both an online relationship and an LDR. Unfortunately, since the relationship hasn't yet materialized in person it is and only ever will be a fantasy - less real. That doesn't mean it is less important - simply that it isn't yet solidified. You don't know his smell. You don't know his lips or his hug. You don't know how sex between the two of you is. You don't know whether both of you are capable of sharing the same bed easily. All of these things are significant. While those of us in long distance relationships who have met in person simply have the hurdle of distance to jump, you have a second hurdle to clear. Does that make you less important? No. In my eyes, that makes you a stronger person since you've managed to develop and sustain love having never felt your partner's touch. I will tell you this: As you both begin to complete your studies and venture into the work force, things are going to get incredibly difficult if you do not meet in person. Also, don't forget this: You don't have to go to him and he does not have to go to you for the two of you to meet. In fact, you might both be more comfortable if you meet somewhere in the middle both emotionally and financially. At one point in time, you may have to face the decision to sacrifice the past for the future. Some men and women don't have a choice and must abandon their family in order to move on. While you have a choice, is it fair to him to place this restriction on yourself right now simply to please your parents?
IfiKnewThen Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 well said!~! i agree with everything said...but i know you didn't mean its a fantasy..it's a dream not coming to fruition but the feelings and emotions are very real.
creighton0123 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 well said!~! i agree with everything said...but i know you didn't mean its a fantasy..it's a dream not coming to fruition but the feelings and emotions are very real. No doubt. The feelings and emotions are always very real. Feelings and emotions are the only things we can't not choose and one must never tolerate someone berating any connection between the two of you. I only hope that when the two of you do meet, those very same feelings and emotions will only become stronger and more secure.
folieadeux Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 No one intends to trivialize what you have here. The biggest thing for me to get over is the fact that you haven't met in six years. You're a much stronger person than I am because I could never do that. But to each their own. I wish you both the best of luck and that you have as much success in person as you've had together thus far.
Author newrule Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Hello again . I do want to meet him, that goes without saying actually. Thanks for pushing me though, it motivates me even more to save money. I understand that this relationship is in a way flawed because we've never met. And maybe we CAN meet somewhere in between. I've thought about that before but never really discussed it with him. My parents are not easy to communicate with. They're really strict and it's a culture thing. I'm also very conservative in this sense. Yeah, I know my life is mine, but they gave birth to me. They're also thinking of my own well-being when they said they disagree with this relationship. I'm sure I'll have to tell this to them one day but I dread that day so much. I think it won't be soon. I'll certainly feel we have better chances if my boyfriend has a stable job and can show them he is sincere and will 'take care' of me, like what is expected by my parents. i know they love you but they need to accept you too for all that you are. you are not asking for anything unreasonable. and you shouldn't use good advise against your own self by your saying truth and not living in fear is what made you try to break up with him. you kinda turned that advise around : ) it was supposed to work FOR you not against you or HIM ; ) anyway...i meant you are living in fear of your parents and to be truthful with them and try to get them to share in your hopes and dreams which include him : ) Hey you, thanks a lot for your reply. That thing you said about my not asking for anything unreasonable really means a lot to me. Yes that's good advice. I shouldn't be living in fear. But ultimately what I REALLY fear is either of these: 1) an emotional war between me and my parents, or 2) having to finally really break up with my boyfriend. I can't do any of those, but it seems like if I do come clean, one of those will have to happen. I guess I'll keep a "let's stick to this and see what happens" approach. This is a guy I truly love, someone I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and I can't always be a pessimist because that just hurts me unnecessarily. Oh and thank you creighton, I hope so too. And thanks folieadeux for the good luck wish.
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 You parents are most likely correct. You have known him 6 years and never met? That's not a relationship, that's a fantasy. You have no idea how things will really work until you meet in person. Some things just can't be done over a computer. Add to that the huge distance, and religious issues - if you are Malaysian, are you muslim? Because a muslim woman marrying outside Islam is against Islamic law and values, so you will have major problems there too unless he converts. Personally I would say make sure you meet in the next few months or at least by summer. Make it at least 2 weeks together. If things go really well, then formulate a plan for meeting more often. Really, you need to consider one of you relocating, because you can't sustain a relationship over that distance. That means visa issues, which means marriage at some point. You need to meet enough in real life to feel comfortable getting married, otherwise you are wasting your time. Time to poop or get off the pot.
Omei Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Hello again . I do want to meet him, that goes without saying actually. Thanks for pushing me though, it motivates me even more to save money. I understand that this relationship is in a way flawed because we've never met. And maybe we CAN meet somewhere in between. I've thought about that before but never really discussed it with him. My parents are not easy to communicate with. They're really strict and it's a culture thing. I'm also very conservative in this sense. Yeah, I know my life is mine, but they gave birth to me. They're also thinking of my own well-being when they said they disagree with this relationship. I'm sure I'll have to tell this to them one day but I dread that day so much. I think it won't be soon. I'll certainly feel we have better chances if my boyfriend has a stable job and can show them he is sincere and will 'take care' of me, like what is expected by my parents. I read earlier that you said he has enough money saved to to see you but you rather he not spend it just in case? I think that's being a wee bit too nice, If he saved it up to see you that's what he wants to spend the money on most likely, and why throw away the opportunity to see him? I know your being nice with the "Save it just in case" but I think you should nab it while you can I mean after 6 years you guys owe it to yourselves. To what you wrote in the above post, your boyfriend is going to school, why should he get a stable job and be willing to take care of you before you break it to your parents, Are you planning to do all this before he breaks it to his??? Why does he need to take care of you? You haven't met yet. All the same whats stopping you from going to school and saving up like he did? I have a child and sometimes weeks between jobs and manage to ruffle up money in a few months, surely it wouldn't take you 1-2 years.
Els Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) I read earlier that you said he has enough money saved to to see you but you rather he not spend it just in case? I think that's being a wee bit too nice, If he saved it up to see you that's what he wants to spend the money on most likely, and why throw away the opportunity to see him? I know your being nice with the "Save it just in case" but I think you should nab it while you can I mean after 6 years you guys owe it to yourselves. I agree with this. Saving that money is surely worth not frittering away the next few years of your life just in case it doesn't work out. To what you wrote in the above post, your boyfriend is going to school, why should he get a stable job and be willing to take care of you before you break it to your parents, Are you planning to do all this before he breaks it to his??? Why does he need to take care of you? You haven't met yet. This is just a cultural thing for Asian parents. Blame the culture, not her. She definitely doesn't agree with the need for him to take care of her, or else she wouldn't be with him. However, her parents still adhere to the old cultural norms, and that is the problem. All the same whats stopping you from going to school and saving up like he did? I have a child and sometimes weeks between jobs and manage to ruffle up money in a few months, surely it wouldn't take you 1-2 years.I'm going to put this out there: The USD is 3.5x stronger than the RM. It would take her more than 3.5x longer than he to obtain the money also, if she takes a part time job (unless she has some very required skills), because the average pay for a part time job in M'sia is RM4 per hour, whereas minimum wage in USA is, I think $10 or so. Then again, since she's a masters student she could probably do some TAship. Still, the weak ringgit is a huge disadvantage. In such a situation, if they are ever going to meet, it is more likely he who will have to pay for it, or at least the majority of it. Edited February 7, 2011 by Elswyth
Recommended Posts