How to deal with an argument in brand new relationship?

January 31, 2011

I don't want to post details but I had an argument with the bf over the weekend. I did something that he thought was inconsiderate. I have since apologized and tried to talk it out with him. We had a brief chat and he told me that he has forgiven me.

However, it doesn't seem like he has. He is definitely much more distant. He still called me tonight like he always does but he just sounded flat and told me he had to go after 5 minutes. During the brief conversation, he told me that he has thought about me today. I told him "me too" and he said "Really? Or are you just saying that?" I said "Really, are you just saying that?" he replied with "If I didn't think about you obviously I wouldn't have called you" in a snappy voice. Then he ended with "I will call you tomorrow unless you don't want me to" WTF.

After this conversation I sent him a text "I really did think about you today Let's chat tomorrow"

He responded with "Yeah, sorry about my mood I am just busy with work, speak soon"

Basically, I am not sure if he is genuinely busy or still pissed with me about the argument. He was busy last week too but he was never snappy with me like this

What's my best course of action?

a) Bring up the argument and try to resolve it but then again this may cause more drama...

b) Ride this out and pretend to buy the busy excuse. Then try to reconnect over the weekend (which we have plans to spend together).

January 31, 2011

I think he may be feeling detached and a bit vulnerable due to past events (i.e. the "pounding" thread comes to mind) in combination with the arguement you had this past weekend in which he felt you were being inconsiderate.

You've got some damage control to tend to, me thinks.

January 31, 2011

Put in some extra effort next time you see him to treat him well. Actions speak louder than words.

January 31, 2011

Assuming the argument was about something other than the 'bad sex' incident, he now has two instances of you being inconsiderate. Once people start to see or sense patterns of behaviour they don't like in a partner they often retreat.

'Damage control' as Jannah says. Good luck!

January 31, 2011

Just start thinking before you speak/act, it will do wonders.

Otherwise give him space and stop fussing over it.

January 31, 2011

Assuming the argument was about something other than the 'bad sex' incident, he now has two instances of you being inconsiderate. Once people start to see or sense patterns of behaviour they don't like in a partner they often retreat.

'Damage control' as Jannah says. Good luck!

No, not about sex.

As for damage control, I have tried sending him affectionate texts but it's not doing the trick this time.

I am going to just wait and see if he comes around. Being overly apologetic is only making things worse. Then I will be extra nice and giving when I see him next (providing that he doesn't cancel).

January 31, 2011

The best apologies are the ones where the offending partner says:

I thought about it and I understand why you got upset. I realized that xyz...

Whatever the argument was about, you have to grant him time to process his emotions about it.

Saying you forgive the person during an argument is often like signing a document that says "I promise that as soon as I process all my feelings, I will get over what happened".

So be patient and understanding. Understand what whatever happens, he's allowed to process things at his own pace.

January 31, 2011

Put in some extra effort next time you see him to treat him well. Actions speak louder than words.

I second this. "Affectionate texts" are not the end all be all. Real life works better.

January 31, 2011

I think you are highly perceptive, which is to your benefit and detriment. I think your instinct to let things pass and make it up to him on the weekend is smart.

Maybe you can keep your phone calls lively and conversational and not delve into relationship processing. If it comes up, you can say you'd talk about that stuff in person while looking into his eyes...and holding his hand.

I sense he has his own insecurities from what you've said. And you absolutely cannot fix or solve that. Just like he can't fix your insecurities. Hopefully, over time you will build trust and understanding. The truth is nobody is perfect and in time, maybe you both will accept the good and not so good in each other.

January 31, 2011

In my experience, some distance just happens after a fight. It's normal. How long it lasts depends on factors like the severity of feelings that were hurt and the processing time it takes. He's forgiven you; that doesn't mean he's forgotten how it felt yet, but he's expressed to you that he's making a conscious effort to get over it.

You apologized. That, and fixing the behavior that came up so it doesn't happen again, is all the active work you need to do. The next work is harder: Give it space. Don't pressure or push him to be open----that never works. It'll just happen with time and naturally. Be happy to see him, appreciative, and the person he likes so much when you see him and speak to him, and don't bring it up would be my advice (of course, sometimes there's a benefit to bringing something up, but generally not).

January 31, 2011

Assuming the argument was about something other than the 'bad sex' incident, he now has two instances of you being inconsiderate. Once people start to see or sense patterns of behaviour they don't like in a partner they often retreat.

This is absolutely true. Unfortunately, in a relatively short period of time, you're demonstrating to him that you're inconsiderate and really don't care about his feelings (i.e., selfish).

Everyone else is suggesting damage control for these pasts acts. That's obviously important, but at this point I think you seriously, seriously need to work on damage PREVENTION and figure out why you're doing these mean things to begin with so you can STOP doing them.

January 31, 2011

The best apologies are the ones where the offending partner says:

I thought about it and I understand why you got upset. I realized that xyz...

Whatever the argument was about, you have to grant him time to process his emotions about it.

I'm sure this is 100% on the money. Do you actually think you were inconsiderate? Do you understand how / why? If so, let him know. And then leave it, while staying mindful of this tendency of yours and guarding against repeating it.

If somebody is upset in a relationship, the other person needs to let the upset one have their feelings. A reasonable person will process through the feelings and come back to "normal" if their partner is not repeating the offending behavior, or bugging them incessantly about whether things are OK, what's wrong, etc.

So, take care of YOUR side of the street and have faith that he will do the same.

January 31, 2011

I totally agree with Star Gazer.

Being overly apologetic doesn't make things worse. But let's imagine that someone was inconsiderate to you in multiple occasions. What would you think of their apologies after each time?

January 31, 2011

Accept his apparent forgiveness of your action, give him time to process his feelings and deal with relationship issues, like the fallout of the situation related to in the OP, in real life, face to face, and no other way. Best wishes.

January 31, 2011

The best apologies are the ones where the offending partner says:

I thought about it and I understand why you got upset. I realized that xyz...

That may be the best way to apologise to you Kamille, but it wouldn't work for me.

I like to hear something along the lines of "I'm really sorry, I was an idiot/behaved apallingly (or whatever)." As some have said, actions speak louder than words - but again, not for everyone. If a friend of mine didn't something inconsiderate and then tried to make it up to me through actions, but never actually said sorry or admitted they were in the wrong, I would stew on it 'forever'.

There are hundreds of different ways to apologise and the trick is knowing what that person wants to hear, or even see, as an apology. Of course, that's difficult when you haven't known the other person long but in this case the affectionate texts obviously aren't working.

Star Gazer is right. If he gives you the chance, you need to prove to him that you are NOT inconsiderate - prove that you are considerate, and on a regular and consistent basis. How you do that is up to you.

January 31, 2011

FTR, damage control INCLUDES pre and post...

Whichever words and/or actions are causing (in her boyfriend's view) the inconsideration, OP needs to determine for herself what those actions and/or statements are... Then she can learn how to contain and neutralize it.

Hopefully that will minimize the arguements, while realizing that no two people will ever be able to fully prevent doing and/or saying something that may be deemed offensive to the other, it does help to level things out.

Edited January 31, 2011 by Jannah

January 31, 2011

http://eqi.org/emotions.htm

Check out validation. It seems like it'll help you.

There really shouldn't be any arguments.

January 31, 2011

I like to hear something along the lines of "I'm really sorry, I was an idiot/behaved apallingly (or whatever)." As some have said, actions speak louder than words - but again, not for everyone. If a friend of mine didn't something inconsiderate and then tried to make it up to me through actions, but never actually said sorry or admitted they were in the wrong, I would stew on it 'forever'.

There are hundreds of different ways to apologise and the trick is knowing what that person wants to hear, or even see, as an apology. Of course, that's difficult when you haven't known the other person long but in this case the affectionate texts obviously aren't working.

You're right. Everyone is different. I think I prefer apologies where the offending partner demonstrates that they see the other person's point of view for a very specific reason. Those kinds of apologies make me feel like the other person isn't saying what I want to hear, but rather, has made an effort to understand me. To me, it's sincere and also something we can build on. I find the "understand" kind of apologies more transformative than the "make it up to me" kind. If bf understands why actions X makes me upset, he's much less likely to repeat it.

And I hate grovelling. Can't stand it. When bf does something that I deem incosiderate, I don't want him to grovel. I want him to apologize, say he understands why I got upset, explain what was going on in his head and then give me the time and space to get over it. If he spent the next few days being "exta nice" to me, I would probably think his apology wasn't sincere . For me, an apology is about two people reaching a common understanding, not one person disempowering themselves to (re)gain the good graces of the other.

January 31, 2011

Without going back to the history of the other argument referenced, I think you've apologized enough. Back off and give him time to process this. Let him be the first one to contact you first, no matter if you have plans for this weekend or not.

There are always multiple perspectives to everything. Another way of looking at this is that the two of you have just been together a short time and already you've had two situations where you've had to apologize. If he can't get over this quickly, are their differing levels of sensitivity involved? If so, do you want to be walking on eggshells forever?

January 31, 2011

OCG, how long have you been with this guy? a month? you should be in honeymoon stage, not arguing

It also sounds like this wasn't THAT big of an argument. Instead of dwelling on the negative here, why don't you just take him for his word.?

He said he's not mad and that he's been busy at work. Instead now you are prying into whether you believe him or not? Where's the trust? Let it go.

NOW he's acting distant....because your behavior is not clear and you second guessing his honesty is making him second guess your feelings and/or your sanity. He's either going to think now that you're still upset with him if you keep bringing it up, or he's starting to think you're a nut job. Truth is, the latter is pretty dead on, and unless you do something to change your behavior, attitude, and over-analyzing then he's going to dump you in the near future.

January 31, 2011

OCG, how long have you been with this guy? a month? you should be in honeymoon stage, not arguing

It also sounds like this wasn't THAT big of an argument. Instead of dwelling on the negative here, why don't you just take him for his word.?

He said he's not mad and that he's been busy at work. Instead now you are prying into whether you believe him or not? Where's the trust? Let it go.

NOW he's acting distant....because your behavior is not clear and you second guessing his honesty is making him second guess your feelings and/or your sanity. He's either going to think now that you're still upset with him if you keep bringing it up, or he's starting to think you're a nut job. Truth is, the latter is pretty dead on, and unless you do something to change your behavior, attitude, and over-analyzing then he's going to dump you in the near future.

Referring to the OP as a nutjob isn't very helpful. I sense OP comes from an environment of a mother who was/is very critical towards her and I think OP may be projecting that type of behavior towards her boyfriend. If she can acknowledge this type of behavior and attempt to correct it then she will be much better off. I hope that she can work through this and that she and her boyfriend grow closer and both are happy.

January 31, 2011

Thanks for the advice guys. I already apologized so I will not annoy him with more messages.

He IS super sensitive and pretty insecure. He has had some bad stuff happen to him in the past relationships and with family. He keeps doubting my feelings for him all the time. The problem is that when you talk to someone as much as I talk to him, you are going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time sometimes.

I always thought that I am extremely sensitive - but he is much more so than me even. For example, he said that he didn't like my online profile and my pictures that much. He thought it was all "meh"., but when he saw me in person and talked to me, that's when he started to really like me. He was so apathetic about meeting me that he nearly canceled the first date I wasn't too happy to hear this but I let it go and have never sulked over it.

So yeah, if this falls apart - it falls apart.

January 31, 2011

OCG, how long have you been with this guy? a month? you should be in honeymoon stage, not arguing

It also sounds like this wasn't THAT big of an argument. Instead of dwelling on the negative here, why don't you just take him for his word.?

He said he's not mad and that he's been busy at work. Instead now you are prying into whether you believe him or not? Where's the trust? Let it go.

NOW he's acting distant....because your behavior is not clear and you second guessing his honesty is making him second guess your feelings and/or your sanity. He's either going to think now that you're still upset with him if you keep bringing it up, or he's starting to think you're a nut job. Truth is, the latter is pretty dead on, and unless you do something to change your behavior, attitude, and over-analyzing then he's going to dump you in the near future.

Eh if you only knew the total lack of trust he has displayed towards me so far....not to mention the over-analyzing of my whereabouts during the day, people I add as friends on FB etc etc..

And beleive me, he is not that busy at all - he is pissed and being passive aggressive about it. But whatevs.

January 31, 2011

If he can't get over this quickly, are their differing levels of sensitivity involved? If so, do you want to be walking on eggshells forever?

This post encourages OG to maintain her status quo. I think that's a very bad idea.

I don't think she's walking on egg shells with this guy. Far from it. With the first incident, she hit him very low about his sexual performance. You don't have to walk on eggshells to not behave as she did there.

Also, in both instances, she owned up to being inconsiderate. He may be more sensitive at times, but the actual instances of OG being inconsiderate are very real and legitimate.

January 31, 2011

Thanks for the advice guys. I already apologized so I will not annoy him with more messages.

He IS super sensitive and pretty insecure. He has had some bad stuff happen to him in the past relationships and with family. He keeps doubting my feelings for him all the time. The problem is that when you talk to someone as much as I talk to him, you are going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time sometimes.

I always thought that I am extremely sensitive - but he is much more so than me even. For example, he said that he didn't like my online profile and my pictures that much. He thought it was all "meh"., but when he saw me in person and talked to me, that's when he started to really like me. He was so apathetic about meeting me that he nearly canceled the first date I wasn't too happy to hear this but I let it go and have never sulked over it.

So yeah, if this falls apart - it falls apart.

It sounds like you've forgotten or are ignoring your mid-sex and post-sex behavior, criticizing his performance.

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How to deal with an argument in brand new relationship?

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