Dan_in Pain Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Hi All, I have been with my wife for 6 years now. 6 months after we met I was having a drink with a friend and called her to see what she was doing. She said that she was shopping with her friend (nats). ....I was devastated as Nats was on the table next to me having a drink with another friend. So finally found out that she had been seeing her ex-boyfriend.... but only shopping!! I was mad at her and dumped all her clothes out of my shared house. A few days later (after many discussions) we decided to meet and have a heart to heart. So after an all day discussion she apologised and said that she loves me and don't want anyone else in her life. I said that I loved her too and wanted to be with her, but with 2 conditions.1) We are honest with each other, no matter how painful it may be. 2) We both must stop keeping in contact with ex's. She agreed and we started living together again. I was in a lot of pain but I loved her very much so I fought to get over it. I started to share everything I had with her, my living area, money, time, friends as I so wanted this to work. I wanted to build something in my life and be proud of. So, first the first 3 years we lived together in my shared house but her official address was with her mum. We had great times, went to see places, made big plans for our future etc... as you do with the one you love. Just over 3 years ago we bought a house with the money she got when she sold the house she had with her mum. I had been paying for just about everything in our relationship and hardly had any saving plus due to personal circumstances I was not able to get a mortgage. So I agreed to get the house on her name and as I earn a lot more than her we'd put the money together and do the house up as quickly as we can. I was sure that we had left the past behind, were very happy and no one could get between us. So I was not worried about sorting out any paperwork officially. House turned out to be a real test of our relationship as there was a lot to do and 3 years latter we are still working on it. 3 weeks ago we went to a party and her first boyfriend was there. Her friend had invited her so I was polite at him and thought nothing of it. As the night went on my wife started getting friendlier with him and the way she was looking at him was so hurtful. She had never looked at me like that. So I was really worried but waited till she was sober and confronted her straight on... She said that I was twisted and did not know what I was saying. I was so hurt and said some things I should have not said. But thought she was drunk and would never do anything to hurt me. I started to believe that I was twisted. But she started keeping her iphone with her at all times and would not even give it to me to make a phone call. She started having long baths and keeping her iphone with her. the fact that I was being cold was not bothering her anymore!!! She had never done this before so I was getting really worried at this point but did not say anything as still thought that I was the problem. Last Friday was my birthday party so we and some close friends went to a comedy club... I so was hopping we would have a good time be in a better mood and was going to apologise to her for being cold and making things up. Half way through the night I noticed that she was emailing constantly so and not being friendly with anyone. I went to talk to her and noticed that she changed her screen as soon as I approached her... Anyway not to bore you anymore She has been seeing his first ex that she met at the party. It took me over 2 days to get her to confess and she has finally come clean and said that she is not sure what to do.... but she is still emailing this guy. I have feelings for her still but I don't know if I can forgive her again... and what if it happens again. We just came back from our late honeymoon and were trying for kids but this has all turned up side down. Please help me.... Give me some advice on what to as I cannot think straight Thank you in advance for reading this and helping me
PegNosePete Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 First, stop trying for kids immediately. If she leaves you then having kids will be a major mistake. You will lose everything. Some people think that having kids will save your marriage... it will NOT. Unfortunately it seems she is already halfway out the door. Has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line yet? You need to initiate the 180 ASAP. You can find these "rules" by searching. You need to be strong and not clingy, whiny, or a doormat. What she is doing is unacceptable and she is treating you like dirt. If she wants to save the marriage then she needs a serious attitude readjustment.
PowerOfOne Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be. The weight of a marriage on my shoulders isn't something I can easily empathise with... Let's face it. She is the one chasing up an ex boyfriend while she's married. She was keeping it from you because she put something into it that she didn't think you would apprieciate. And rightly so! Keep your head up. You know it's not right. Do NOT accept this behaviour. If she doesn't want to listen then pack a day bag and leave. You just cannot let her think that you'll stick by her while she's doing that! She'll respect you more for walking out then by being meek. I'm struggling not to give you advice I'd give if you were just in a relationship. To tell her to gtfo and then make it on her to win you back doesn't really apply. You have to talk to her. Don't stand for a 'I just don't know'. If that's all she's giving you then you need time away from each other. Go stay at a friends for a couple of days. There is no going forward while she doesn't know what direction to follow. I can't imagine how torn up you must be... keep posting. Maybe someone who has actually been/is married will have a better perspective. Edited January 31, 2011 by PowerOfOne
PegNosePete Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm struggling not to give you advice I'd give if you were just in a relationship. To tell her to gtfo and then make it on her to win you back doesn't really apply. The advise is still valid. Having a marriage certificate does not make any difference. It's still a relationship and she is not respecting him. Go stay at a friends for a couple of days. Now this is where being married does make a difference. If he leaves the house and she decides she doesn't want to save the marriage, then moving back in could be very awkward or impossible. Moving out could impact his entitlement to the house and divorce settlement, especially if she were to discover she's pregnant. So moving out is not advised.
PowerOfOne Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Probably better advice there PegNosePete. I'd find it very hard to stay in the same house with a SO who was constantly on the phone to an ex. Expecially if she wasn't willing to talk about it. I shudder at the thought to be honest. I think having a marriage certificate would make a pretty big difference to me. I would walk right out the door if my girlfriend was acting like this. House or not! But if i were married... I just don't know.
Author Dan_in Pain Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Thank you all for your reply, I cannot bear to go anywhere near her sexually but I cannot hate her. I am still talking to her, although I know she is still emailing him. I feel that she is waiting for him to make his mind up and hopefully say that he will get back with her. He is 35 and still living with his mum and dad. But red some of the emails they'd exchanged and, man, he is good at words. I wish she had spoken to me told me that she was feeling lonely before she actually did anything. There is a lot to loose... I have proof that she is cheating but I don't know what to do.... Do I want to stay with her? Do I want to move out now and possibly loose everything I worked for on the last 6 years? Do I go and see a solicitor? But they can make things more complicated as they want to earn their living. I am soooooo confused...........
PegNosePete Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I wish she had spoken to me told me that she was feeling lonely before she actually did anything. Yeah join the club dude! I think all BS here would say the same thing. Do I want to stay with her? Do I want to move out now and possibly loose everything I worked for on the last 6 years? Do I go and see a solicitor? But they can make things more complicated as they want to earn their living. I'll tell you what I would do. Tell her that if she wants the marriage to work then she will do the following: 1) She will commit 100% to the marriage and she will commit NOW. No thinking for a few days. No discussing it with her friends or the other man. Her choice, in or out, she has 5 minutes to decide. 2) No contact ever again with the other man, starting now. She will call him right now with you listening, and tell him this. Then she will never email, phone or text him again. If he contacts her, she will inform you, and not reply. 3) She will become a window of transparency, everything she does will be shown to you. All emails, texts, phone calls, etc will be available for you to see if you want. She will not hide anything. She will give you all her passwords etc. You will know where she is, what she is doing and who she is with 100% of the time. 4) You will go to MC ASAP. If she refuses any of these rules then go see the solicitor.
Author Dan_in Pain Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I never knew these sort of sites existed. I feel that I can say exactly how I feel without being judged. All your replies are helping make my mind up what to do. Thank you so much She said that she does not want to hurt me anymore and has to be sure that I will be her choice as is willing to do anything to save our marriage. I told her that life will be more difficult that it was prior to this and that. I want her to come forward to what she wants to do to make this work as if I tell her then she might just go for it as she feels guilty.... Am I making sense??? She said that she has emailed him to say that she needs to sort her head out and asked him not to contact her. I am not sure so I will ask to see the email in the morning.... we will see.... I hope she does not fail the first test!!!! I also told her that I am moving with a friend for a few days as I also need to think things through.... I arranged to go to London and see a friend for a few days to clear my head, but you are absolutely right. As soon as I come back it will be decision time.... this is if the morning goes well!!! [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 She said that she has emailed him to say that she needs to sort her head out and asked him not to contact her. I am not sure so I will ask to see the email in the morning.... we will see.... I hope she does not fail the first test!!!! Sounds perfect. You will be able to tell what she's thinking, by how she worded the email. And that will be the last time she'll ever contact him, no need for any more "goodbye" calls or emails or texts. And if she doesn't want to show you the email then she clearly is not prepared to do anything to fix the marriage. Good luck dude.
Chi townD Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 How many times are you willing to let her walk all over you? She knows there are no conseqences to her actions. She broke her promise to foresake all others. Then, she promised never to contact ex's again. That promise broken. She doesn't have respect for you. She'll probably tell you that she's broken it off with this other guy but I would say it's safe to say; you check in a week, and they'll still be e-mailing each other. Just how far has she gone with these guys? The reason I ask is you have yourself checked out for STD's before you even consider get close to her again. You have to put your foot down, my friend. And show her you have a spine. And don't stand for that, "I don't know what I want!" crap. Tell her she can move out with this guy and his parents (sounds like a winner) until she can figure it out.
z00m25 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 yeah man def stop trying to have kids, and also in my limited experience people do not change so easily so if its happening now yeah you may work it out, but its bound to happen again later on down the road. i say kick her to the curb but im having a hard enough time doing that myself, easier said than done.
Author Dan_in Pain Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I think I have made my decision............ Tomorrow after work we are going to sit down, I am going to listen to her, and tell her that I am leaving her. It is going to be so hard as I have never loved anyone like I love her. My heart tells me to give her another change but my head agrees with you guys. She does not deserve me..... I can do much better and I will be better off without her in my life. But what about the house and other financial assets?? Shall I go and see a solicitor? What do I say? Should I move out of my home or shall I try and stay till we sell it!!! I wish I had never met her................................
Chi townD Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 DON'T MOVE OUT! You didn't do anything wrong. Plus, it gives her the freedom to continue to have the affair IN YOUR HOUSE!!! You don't think this guy doesn't want out of his parents basement? If she wants to continue to see this guy she can see him outside the martial home. Remember, you didn't have the affair, she did.
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