tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 C and I have been talking on and off for weeks. The dynamic is much the same as it ever was. We still get each other's dander up like no other, but instead of falling into an argument where I know he'll never let me have the last word in, I just let him bluster until he's done, smile and nod, taking satisfaction in how idiotic he looks and sounds. I told him I've been in his neck of the woods every other weekend or so and he wants to get together (we do have tentative plans for next weekend). He told me one of his friends relocated to North Carolina and invited him down and he asked if I wanted to go. I casually mentioned my friend's wedding in July, how excited I am for it, and he said if I didn't have a date lined up I should call him. The (worst? or maybe just shocking? I don't know) part is that I'm actually considering all of it. I'm not starved for male attention. The last thing in the world that I want is to get back together with him because it would make me miserable. I don't know why I'm doing this. I've ignored all my other exes after burning bridges. Why not him too?
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm not starved for male attention. The last thing in the world that I want is to get back together with him because it would make me miserable. I don't know why I'm doing this. I've ignored all my other exes after burning bridges. Why not him too? Good question to ask yourself rather than us - Why not him too? What do you think is the difference between him and all your other exes? What is the difference between your relationship with him and your relationship with all your other exes?
Emilia Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 it's not about him, it's about you. there is something in his personality that makes you hooked in an unhealthy way. you would do yourself a big favour if you worked out what it was
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 it's not about him, it's about you. there is something in his personality that makes you hooked in an unhealthy way. you would do yourself a big favour if you worked out what it was Agreed! Which is why you need to ask yourself a lot of questions, tigress, about how this particular relationship is different from any other. There is something significant about him, and/or the way you interact with him, that you think you need. Otherwise you wouldn't be drawn back in so easily. If you can pinpoint what it is, you can set yourself free.
Author tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 It's like a game for me, I think. It's a twisted role-reversal game. I'm now the one keeping him on his toes, dangling on strings. I could've laughed out loud last night when I told him I was going to be in his area this weekend. He said to give him a call and I said, "Eh, I'll see...whatever happens." He said, "Just let me know before..." I said, "Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll see what's going on" with a supremely bored look on my face. It was, by rote, the very thing he'd done to me numerous times. I feel an unhealthy need to put him through this. To be the one who's indifferent. I even decline his Skype calls and then he's bombarding me with IMs asking me why I don't want to talk. Then, naturally, I sigh and deign to give him a bit of my time. I don't bother to reach out to him first because like I'm sure he knew about me when we were together, I know he'll come around at some point like a stray puppy looking for scraps. I had a feeling even after I dumped him that he would eventually come back for whatever reason. And he did.
Cee Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I totally get the thrill of the flirting game. But this game might end up hurting you. You think you have the power, but imagine yourself going NC right now, forever. Does the thought of that make you sad or anxious. Or imagine that he mentions that he met a woman and he thinks she's cute and wants to ask her out. Would that bother you? He's single and probably out there dating. He tells you he doesn't have a girlfriend, which may be true, but I doubt he's celibate. I think you are pretending that he is pursuing you and that you are getting even for him hurting you. But in his mind, he is the one getting the gratification. He sees that you are still into him & that attention is feeding his ego. I think you are level headed enough to not lose your mind and fall in deep. But this is a complete waste of your time. There's no future on either a friendship or romantic level.
Author tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I've assumed he's been dating this entire time, despite whatever he says. I've been dating too--as I said in the OP I'm not starving for attention. I edited his OKC profile and he's shown me profiles of girls he thinks are hot. I've pretty much crafted messages for him to send. I'm sure in his mind he's making me ridiculously jealous, but I'm not bothered by any of it. I know we each see the dynamic between us as favoring ourselves. There's no way to tell objectively who's getting more or less out of it.
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 How would you feel if he suddenly disappeared again?
Author tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 If I suddenly ceased to hear from him I'd be okay with it. I'm entertaining him now but that doesn't mean I would mourn the loss of him once he disappeared. I know that at the most, this is temporary. I don't see the two of us having our future children play together (or beat the hell out of each other, as seems more likely what with our own temperaments).
Mad Max Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 So after how he treated you initially, you're still in contact with him?
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 If I suddenly ceased to hear from him I'd be okay with it. So, if the contact you're having now bothers you on some level, which it clearly does or you wouldn't have started the thread, what's stopping you from going NC?
Author tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 So, if the contact you're having now bothers you on some level, which it clearly does or you wouldn't have started the thread, what's stopping you from going NC? My ego. It's terribly petty, but I do like having him beg for my time after I had to do the same with him, to an extent. I was fine with the status quo when we weren't talking at all, and I don't see any reason why I wouldn't be fine with it once it happens again. I'm just taking advantage of the situation at hand.
pandagirl Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I feel like this is a battle of egos right now.
mo mo Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I feel like this is a battle of egos right now. Yea this thread is really funny.
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 My ego. It's terribly petty, but I do like having him beg for my time after I had to do the same with him, to an extent. I was fine with the status quo when we weren't talking at all, and I don't see any reason why I wouldn't be fine with it once it happens again. I'm just taking advantage of the situation at hand. Yes, I get that. It's a game and currently you seem to have the upper hand, so it's good for your ego. Are you seriously trying to tell us (and yourself) that, if he suddenly disappears again, your ego won't take a hammering? What do you envisage being the outcome of this little game? That once you've reeled him right in again, you can suddenly drop off his radar like he did yours? If that's your plan you'd better get your timing spot on because he obviously has more practise at that type of behaviour than you do.
Author tigressA Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Maybe this weekend. I've got him thinking we're going to firm up the vague plans we have, but I'm tempted to leave him hanging.
LittleTiger Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Maybe this weekend. I've got him thinking we're going to firm up the vague plans we have, but I'm tempted to leave him hanging. It's your decision of course but I don't think two wrongs make a right. Revenge is not pretty. You've described your behaviour towards him as being twisted, petty, feeding your own ego, taking advantage and playing games - is that the sort of woman you want to be? You've had your fun. Wouldn't you prefer to be grown up about it now and tell him straight that you have no future as either friends or lovers? Then it call it quits and move on.
mo mo Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Yea, please be a grown up. I know, and you know, you're much better than this.
OceanGirl Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 why are you engaging with this guy after he cheated on you? He's scum. This is very low-self-esteemy. I'm surprised. I had the same reaction. TigressA, you would have shown him what you were really made of if you refused to engage with him in any way.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 why are you engaging with this guy after he cheated on you? He's scum. This is very low-self-esteemy. I'm surprised. I agree. If this is ego-related, you're basically handing him your pride to smash even further.
Citizen Erased Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 He's a loser and you're better than this.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 AND, it's a waste of your valuable time which you could be spending doing things that are meaningful to you. Or going on dates with guys who you could potentially have a relationship with, since I believe that is what you'd like to find.
Author tigressA Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Yeah, you guys are right. I guess I just needed a swift kick in my hind parts. I'm done with this. Not even going to give him an explanation.
LittleTiger Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Yeah, you guys are right. I guess I just needed a swift kick in my hind parts. I'm done with this. Not even going to give him an explanation. That just sounds like part of the game. Making sure you end it with the upper hand. You don't owe him anything of course, but it's common decency to at least say you think you're both wasting your time. JMO
threebyfate Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 tigress, I have ZERO sympathy for C the Loser. Do whatever you want, just make sure your feelings aren`t engaged and if you get even a twinge of softer emotions, drop him like a hot rock with no explanations.
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