JaneyAmazed Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm not sure if I should post this here or in infedelity, but I've noticed there are several members who are xWS/xOWs/xOMs that seem very content with their lives. This gives me great hope. Could you tell me when you had the affair and how long it lasted, how long it took you to get back to "normal" (whatever that is), and what your status is now? Married, divorced, remarried, single, dating?
desertIslandCactus Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 As a divorced woman, I can tell you that I think contentment comes from knowing you are where you are Supposed to be. If one doesn't like where they are, change it. Also I have noticed that the only time I temporarily lost contentment, was while looking through the window of another's life - and what I supposed their life was. Embracing and doing for your loved ones, whether they be few - or many .. Life is Good.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 As a divorced woman, I can tell you that I think contentment comes from knowing you are where you are Supposed to be. If one doesn't like where they are, change it. Also I have noticed that the only time I temporarily lost contentment, was while looking through the window of another's life - and what I supposed their life was. Embracing and doing for your loved ones, whether they be few - or many .. Life is Good. You are so right and totally agree. I was just curious about the members' stories here. I know some seem to move on and have better lives and some seem to have a lot of regret even years later due to an affair.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 You are so right and totally agree. I was just curious about the members' stories here. I know some seem to move on and have better lives and some seem to have a lot of regret even years later due to an affair. With my long life, it would be difficult not to have many regrets. In the OM/OW forum.. Regrets could be a marriage that shouldn't have had to end. And a few years wasted in an ER. In looking back, I think the main regret of an A, would be the time wasted (months, years), and with it's taking away from priorities. Other than that, there doesn't seem to be much of an investment (even emotionally) compared to that of M.
Sidtheskid Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 With my long life, it would be difficult not to have many regrets. In the OM/OW forum.. Regrets could be a marriage that shouldn't have had to end. And a few years wasted in an ER. In looking back, I think the main regret of an A, would be the time wasted (months, years), and with it's taking away from priorities. Other than that, there doesn't seem to be much of an investment (even emotionally) compared to that of M. I think people do things for a reason. I believe there is love.
East7 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm not sure if I should post this here or in infedelity, but I've noticed there are several members who are xWS/xOWs/xOMs that seem very content with their lives. This gives me great hope. Could you tell me when you had the affair and how long it lasted, how long it took you to get back to "normal" (whatever that is), and what your status is now? Married, divorced, remarried, single, dating? fOM here. Janey, going past an A is not easy. xMW did the same as you, she confessed and then wanted to end it with me, but she came back and forth for a couple of months after her confession..I was single OM so she knew I was available. While pretending reconciling with her H ...! Talk about consistence I think, as xOM, I started to move on when I stopped to nurture any hope for xMW. I think when there is no hope, you stop to hold on. My life is not very different from what it was during the A, but I think I learned a lot about relationships and I learned to appreciate more someone who wants to be 100% with me. I realized the true meaning of Trust, being faithful and not taking anyone for granted.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) I think people do things for a reason. I believe there is love. When one get's to the other side of instances, one realizes the love involved, or lack of. I think one must be completely removed from a situation* to realize the 'love' factor. *and to reflect back. Love itself, is more self sacrificing than to attach one's self to another's spouse. Also the emotion is usually not completely reciprocated. Edited January 31, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
OWoman Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Could you tell me when you had the affair and how long it lasted, how long it took you to get back to "normal" (whatever that is), and what your status is now? Married, divorced, remarried, single, dating? The A lasted about three years, at which point he left his W and our R became "normal" in its last respect. We've been M for about two years now, :love: and happier than ever.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I'm sorry - I meant to title this thread FWS, FOW, FOM, but I guess x works too! I'm still learning. Thanks for the replies so far...
Author JaneyAmazed Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 fOM here. Janey, going past an A is not easy. xMW did the same as you, she confessed and then wanted to end it with me, but she came back and forth for a couple of months after her confession..I was single OM so she knew I was available. While pretending reconciling with her H ...! Talk about consistence I think, as xOM, I started to move on when I stopped to nurture any hope for xMW. I think when there is no hope, you stop to hold on. My life is not very different from what it was during the A, but I think I learned a lot about relationships and I learned to appreciate more someone who wants to be 100% with me. I realized the true meaning of Trust, being faithful and not taking anyone for granted. Thanks East7. It really helps to get the point of view from an xOM. I haven't had any contact with my xOM since the confession. I won't go back to him or contact him ever, not only because I want to respect my husband, but my husband talked to him and there are huge consequences if he contacts me at all. He most likely would lose his job and have trouble with his estranged wife (who my sweet husband decided to leave out of this unless xOM contacts me in anyway) . I appreciate my husband setting that boundary, and not leaving it up to me. I care enough about my husband, my xOM and me to not contact him or hurt any of us anymore. Anyway, I've said this before but I do miss my xOM and wish him the very best. I'm not angry with him anymore (I was for little while) because he and I made a choice together. He didn't twist my arm to get involved with him. I too have realized the true meaning of trust and being faithful. I hope that my xOM will learn like you that a 100% relationship is the only kind to have. I took that for granted with my husband and I hope he will let me get that back. Your post has been so helpful.Thank you again.
tami-chan Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I had a 4 year emotional affair and 2 year full blown affair with an MM. We were both married at that time. I didn't have much drama in mine as our marriages were truly just marriages of convenience. My affair partner divorced his wife and asked me to marry him(actually, he bought the ring first before he divorced his wife)-I turned him downed. We broke up shortly after that for more than a year. In the mean time, I also divorced my H. Xmm and I got back together last summer. There are hiccups along the way just because I am marriage shy and he is not but all in all--it's a good state of being
thomasb Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I got smart. Dumped Ow. Confessed to my DW. Now, for the last twelve years I have been striving to be a better person. I have learned from my mistakes, and I'm determined to live in a way that makes me feel good about myself, and makes my family feel equally good about themselves.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I got smart. Dumped Ow. Confessed to my DW. Now, for the last twelve years I have been striving to be a better person. I have learned from my mistakes, and I'm determined to live in a way that makes me feel good about myself, and makes my family feel equally good about themselves. What a success story!
East7 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Thanks East7. It really helps to get the point of view from an xOM. I haven't had any contact with my xOM since the confession. I won't go back to him or contact him ever, not only because I want to respect my husband, but my husband talked to him and there are huge consequences if he contacts me at all. I think that is a good initiative. I would have been relieved to talk to BS, not only to know the other side of the story, but there could have been a clean closure. Anyway my situation was different as I was single and I was not "cake-eating". He most likely would lose his job and have trouble with his estranged wife (who my sweet husband decided to leave out of this unless xOM contacts me in anyway). I appreciate my husband setting that boundary, and not leaving it up to me. I care enough about my husband, my xOM and me to not contact him or hurt any of us anymore. Anyway, I've said this before but I do miss my xOM and wish him the very best. I'm not angry with him anymore (I was for little while) because he and I made a choice together. He didn't twist my arm to get involved with him. I too have realized the true meaning of trust and being faithful. I hope that my xOM will learn like you that a 100% relationship is the only kind to have. I took that for granted with my husband and I hope he will let me get that back. Your post has been so helpful.Thank you again. Yes I think he will learn to appreciate his wife. I guess it is very different when the OM is a MM. The expectations are not the same. Maybe he didn't want to leave his W either. I didn't have an A for fun, I had genuine feelings for xMW and as crazy at it seems we even talked marriage at some point...it sounds ridiculous now, but it hurts me when I remind it. She was really torn, depressed for months...At least we didn't build something in expense of someone else's pain. In your case, it didn't last too long and I think it is emotionally easier to recover. The more it lasts the more it gets difficult to stop.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I think that is a good initiative. I would have been relieved to talk to BS, not only to know the other side of the story, but there could have been a clean closure. Anyway my situation was different as I was single and I was not "cake-eating". Yes I think he will learn to appreciate his wife. I guess it is very different when the OM is a MM. The expectations are not the same. Maybe he didn't want to leave his W either. I didn't have an A for fun, I had genuine feelings for xMW and as crazy at it seems we even talked marriage at some point...it sounds ridiculous now, but it hurts me when I remind it. She was really torn, depressed for months...At least we didn't build something in expense of someone else's pain. In your case, it didn't last too long and I think it is emotionally easier to recover. The more it lasts the more it gets difficult to stop. The reason I call him OM rather than MM is because he lives alone. He separated from his wife and has been for two years. When we were together, he said he wished he had with his wife what he and I had together (not sure if that was sincere or not, but I believed him them). He hadn't gone back to her because he was pretty sure he wouldn't stay faithful. Ya think? I told him that was smart. No need to hurt her again. He told me that since he'd been separated (initially caused by an A - his A), he had had a few flings until our A. He said he loved me and I'm still not sure if that's true or not, and it doesn't matter anymore. Anyway, we never talked about being together long term. I knew I could never leave my family (although my stupid self didn't consider I might actually confess or get caught). He was still "hoping" to get back with his wife one day - I guess when he felt he wouldn't cheat again? Whatever that means. Two years is a long time to stay away if he "really wants to be with her." I never got that at all. Anyway, the reason it would be big deal if his wife found out about me is because she told him if she found out he was with anyone else before the divorce (if there is a divorce), she'd use it against him. Oh, and I find comfort in your words about it being emotionally easier to recover since we were only together a few months. I remember thinking, during the affair, that the longer I stay in it, the harder it will be to stop...yet then I was so messed up and weak, I couldn't face ending it. It was still hard to stop, but it was necessary at that point. I wanted to be close to my husband again, and I knew I couldn't if I was betraying him and sharing my heart with someone else.
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